[kf88]

Hello, i have been with my bf for nearly 6 years, i have 2 children of my own but he has none. When we first met i was so set on making sure the next person i was with was going to be “perfect”, he was! I waited about 4 months b4 introducing my daughters to him but when i did they loved him and he loved them it was fantastic. After about a year we moved into a house together and for about 4months it was great, then i noticed him drinking more, disappearing out of the house for half an hour, and coming back seeming more “drunk” and glazy eyed. I brought it up with him and he told me everthing.. he has been bad on cocaine for years his mum and dad have had to pay off dealers. He told me he now has somthing to stop for (our little family). And from then it has been a vicious circle, me finding out him promising to stop, he started his own business over 2 years ago which i thought would help but its just got worse, i have found out he has been to a prostitute, messaging other girls on fb wanting to “meet”, i even found him on my sofa with one of my work colleagues that was staying over.. i threw him out after that and he lived in his parents campervan for 2 months and to my knowledge actually stopped using and was so committed to me and the girls. I beleived EVERYTHING he said and stupidly let him bk in, now it is worse than ever he lies, blames me, foul tempered, running his business into the ground. I feel so stupid and naive but i cant leave ive tried he either doesnt let me or ive give in. He had a phone call tonight with aspire to sort mettings and help but then 10 mins after i cud see in his eyes he had used!!!! As i asked him he blew up saying i am insane and cant beleive i have said that but i know he had. I feel like giving up, walking away but ive tried and he makes it impossible.

He says im no help for him but i have no idea how to help him. My life feels like shit i feel like im letting everyone down. My daughters are well looked after and loved so much but i feel like im on egde all the time trying to hold everything together.

[reuth]

Hi Kf88

I am going through exactly the same scenario with my partner of 4 years, cocaine addiction,using prostitutes and speaking to other women online, he lied about it but I found messages, we had it out the other night and he’s promised me he’ll stop and get help. I’m like you, I don’t want to leave him because we have had lots of happy times together and I desperately want to help him even though I’m hurting like I’ve never hurt before. I want to believe he can do it, for his sake more than mine. Its a hard road to walk down, hope you’re ok.

[kf88]

Thankyou for your reply, its just so hard, i love it when he is himself and we are a happy little family but it seems the bad days are now out waying the good. I have the worst self esteem ever, im constantly paranoid or worried, being forever let down, hurt and argued with. I just wish he cud see things from my side and feel the hurt and upset i feel, but its always about him and my emotions and feeling never get considered. Its so hard, ive said i hate him when he uses but deeply love him when hes him, i feel thats why i dont just leave but im not sure how much more i can take. I understand its an addiction and its not as easy as to say just stop, but i feel i cant help him but also cant walk away.

[reuth]

It’s so very hard because you wonder what it is that you’ve done wrong because it always gets turned round to be your fault. My self esteem is at an all time low just now, thinking I’m not good enough for anyone or anything. Wondering what he’s doing all the time I’m not with him. I’m determined though to make him see sense and own his shit but he has to be the one that wants to stop. Addiction is such a selfish thing because it affects the people that love them the most and I don’t think they realise the hurt and chaos they cause. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. This forum is a life saver, you don’t feel so alone and its good to talk to people who are going through the exact same situation.

[kf88]

Oh it is, this is the first time ive really spoken about everything, im quite closed off and dont really talk about how im feeling. Its good to know that other people feel the same and even though its shit they can also see a happy ending like me. I beleive that we cud be beyond happy if he just stopped. He is a completely different person when hes on it, and thats just not who he is. I hope u are ok. I always question is it easier to be the addict or be in love with the addict.

[reuth]

It is harder being in love with an addict for sure. You are the one trying to keep everything together while they are selfish and think it’s ok to do what they want.

My ex husband was a heroin addict and I went through hell with him because he was violent. I was so glad when I got out although t took me years. I can’t believe I’m going through the same thing again but there’s no violence and when he’s not using he is the most loving, kind person I know. That’s why I’m trying my hardest to make him see sense and stop. I know we can have a wonderful life together, he’s my soul mate and I can’t imagine life without him.

When he uses he’s full of bravado and thinks he’s cock of the walk. The hardest thing for me is the prostitutes, that has hurt me to my core and I wonder if I’ll ever get over that.

Much love to you, you know your not alone in this nightmare xx

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