[anom1111]

I found out yesterday morning that my boyfriend has been using cocaine throughout the week secretly, as I woke up to a message from a random man threatening my boyfriend to pay the money he owes. He told me he owes money from cocaine and that he buys it at least 4 times a week.

I confronted my boyfriend, and he began telling me this man was lying until finally he broke and admitted it was true. I gave birth to our baby boy 2 weeks ago, and was in hospital almost a week before giving birth due to having pre eclampsia. I found out he had been doing it whilst I was in hospital, and he broke down telling me he was so scared and everything got too much, that he didn’t care what would happen to him.

He has also had a gambling problem – he is banned from using any gambling websites and all his cards have been blocked to stop him from using them. Whilst he was having this downwards spiral he used his mums bank card and details to log into a gambling website and spent £150 of her money to desperately try and win back some money to make up for his cocaine binge.

As you can imagine, my whole world feels like it has come crashing down. We are currently living with a family member of his so that we can save for a mortgage, so things have not been easy for us but I love him so much, that’s what keeps me going. I have been saving every last penny to go towards the baby and our savings for a deposit, but all my money is gone as I have had to bail him out with his bills and debts. I have had a strange gut feeling for months and months that something wasn’t quite right as my boyfriend earns a lot more money then me, yet he never seemed to have any money spare and would even ask to borrow money from me for his ‘bills’ which I never got back. Whilst I was pregnant I was the one that bought everything for the baby, he didn’t buy one single thing despite the fact I earn a lot less money than him – I still managed to save and buy our babies things.

I feel so alone as I can’t talk to anyone about this as I’m too embarrassed of what my friends would think and if I told my family they would tell me to leave him.

I love him too much to leave and I’m scared of what he would do if I did, I just don’t know where to turn or what I can do.

He’s told me he hasn’t done it since our son was born and that him being born was a huge reality check but I don’t know how I can ever trust what he says. I just want to do what’s best for our son and be a family.

I’m just so torn as I’m so so angry with him that he would do this to me, I shouldn’t have to deal with random men messaging threatening things to me a couple weeks after giving birth – I already have so much to deal with trying to save so that we can have a home of our own. But after him telling me he didn’t care what would happen to himself and he was pretty much suicidal, I feel like I can’t be angry with him and I feel so sorry for him.

So many little things all add up now, the sneaking out to his car and being on the toilet constantly, but now every time he goes to do something in the back of my mind I’m wondering if he’s going off to do it – I know that I’m never going to be able to trust him again.

I just need some advice on what he can do to stop and how we can move forward from this, he’s told me he’s stopped but I don’t know if I can believe his word alone and I know that he needs help.

[lookingforhope]

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in this situation and that you feel you have no one to talk to.

I was in a similar situation to you in March this year, when I was 4 months pregnant and found out that my partner had been abusing cocaine in secret for 5 years.

Firstly, I would say that finding someone you can confide in for yourself is vital. Addiction thrives in secrecy.

You also need to ask if he is willing to get help. Cocaine is an awful drug which messes with your brain chemistry and it’s hard to give up. Suggest he try Cocaine Anonymous or counselling as a lot of drug use stems from unresolved childhood trauma.

We currently attend couples therapy also, which helps me talk about what’s happened, without it blowing up into a massive argument.

And decide what your boundaries are and be prepared to stick to them. I have said that if there are any drugs in the house that I will leave. I would suggest not bailing him out financially anymore, and set out a timeline for him to start saving again.

There are also really helpful people you can speak to through Adfam for more practical advice and emotional support for you.

I hope this helps and you can come to this forum for help and support whenever you need it

[Author]

Posts