[Aimzz2023]

<p class=”MsoNormal”>Hiya, my partner of 8 years has recently turned to cocaine and the addiction is getting out of hand to the point where it is destroying our relationship and creating huge mental strain on me and I am sure him. I am really worried about his physical and mental health as a result of the drug abuse. He has lied about a lot and I am sure it is much worse than the small amount I am aware of. He is sneaking off and buying drugs every weekend and then denying to the point of threatening me when I know the truth. I feel as though I don’t even know him anymore. He has always been very into drugs and still smokes tobacco, weed and drinks on a daily basis. I was already against the daily drug use, as it changes him as a person and knew he would occasionally do cocaine and other stimulants with his friends. But the cocaine use has now started to negatively impact me. Before I knew of this he willing went to the doctors as I was so worried about his congestion and hayfever like symptoms for months. I had suspected cocaine, but he would always deny and reassure me. Or just shout at me and say how dare I accuse him. It got to the point where I started to believe his eyes were just naturally dilated all the time- even though I constantly had the nagging feeling he was lying- I trusted him. He took advantage of my long work hours and being away from home, he would lie about facetime not working to avoid me seeing his face. I started a new job in London in January and it seems this is when the habitual cocaine use started behind my back. He has since employed his drug dealer to his business and has no intent to cut off his supply. He blames me for his business failing and for bring his work into personal matters. He is doing it 3-4 times a week after work and in secret on his own. It has gotten to the point where he will do it when we are out for meals in the toilets and he is shaking if he doesn’t do some sort of drug. He will scream and shout and can only physically calm down if he smokes weed or drinks excessively. It is a vicious cycle that is now ruining every single moment together. To the point where the drugs are more important than me and our dog. His aggression has gotten severe and he has almost daily outbursts of rage causing him to resort to drugs and drink even more. He has started hurting himself and threatening to kill himself, I don’t how how much of this is a cry for help or serious. In these manic episodes he has what seems to be no understanding of reality and it is like he cannot hear what is being said to him and just spirals into a further rage. I have tried everything to help him. I have told his family but they don’t seem to see how serious it has got. I know I need to leave but I am scared he will hurt himself. His drug dealer has also threatened to come after me he gets caught.  I am basically looking for someone to talk to to help my own mental well being as I don’t think there is anything else I can do if he is refusing to change. I love this man to pieces and I know it is all a result of the drugs. But i know i cannot stay in this environment much longer, however I am trapped trying to keep him safe and I don’t want to lose the life I have spent 8 years building over something that could be solved.</p>

[paw_x]

Hi Aimz,

I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said, especially the not wanting to give up on the life you’ve built for yourself. I found myself thinking, what if I let go after trying so hard to fix him, and then a few months later he manages to stay sober finally and he settles down with some other girl who reaps the benefits and gets the man I knew was in there all along? But it’s mental to think like that – put yourself through hell for years with no guarantee he’ll change, just because you’ve spent time building a life with this person.

You won’t be able to change him. He needs to do that. I supported my partner for a year through relapses and slips and did everything I seen online – support them, don’t upset them as they feel bad enough, etc. It didn’t work and I was lied to constantly. What has worked a little was him losing his job and me finally kicking him out of the house so he couldn’t just keep pretending to himself his addiction wasn’t a problem. And even at that, he’s had issues balancing recovery and done stupid things and made a mess of things at times – so he won’t be coming home anytime soon. You need to find your own peace as much as you can try, you will drive yourself insane trying to fix someone who you can’t control. Your partner currently can’t control his addiction so there’s zero chance you can.

Tell him to get to CA meetings and to immerse himself in recovery, but focus on yourself and rebuilding your life. He seems a long way off of even accepting he has a problem and you don’t deserve to be put through this anymore. You’ll end up a shell of your former self if you keep going through this while he does whatever he likes and disrespects you. Good luck x

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