[skat]

Hi,

I wanted to comment on this as I’ve been going through something, and I’m really struggling with what to do with it all.

My boyfriend of almost 8 years recently confessed to me that his cocaine use has gotten out of control and he is addicted. I encouraged him to speak to a counsellor, and I went with him.

Earlier in 2020, I told him I was leaving him because he had become verbally (not physically) abusive for a period of 2 months earlier this year and he damaged a wall at our house. He was acting like a strange distant person and I felt I no longer loved him. He snapped out of it and apologised. I have never really recovered my feelings of love towards him after this.

My boyfriend did recreational drugs through out relationship, which I tolerated because I thought it was infrequent. He always minimised my feelings telling me that I was wrong to tell him to stop taking drugs when it’s his body and his choice.

Late 2019, I was often home alone on a Saturday night while he was partying till 6.00am on Sunday, or I was dragged to these parties with his friends where everyone was on cocaine all night except for me. He said he would stop in 2019 but didn’t.

In 2020 he went out less because of Covid but when he did he continued using cocaine and told me I had no right to be angry as this was infrequent use and he hadn’t used drugs throughout 2020 in lockdown.

However, he recently confessed to secretly doing cocaine in our bathroom alone during lockdown while I made cocktails and dinner for us.

I have now also discovered that he has spent around 11,000 GBP on cocaine over 2 years. He had a pay cut during the pandemic and he asked for money from his mother some of it applied to cocaine. He also took out small loans for cocaine.

Whilst I don’t care about the money itself, I care about the life that I missed out on because he spent our money on cocaine instead of our joint life.

My family keeps telling me to support him but I am really struggling to support him, and I still want to leave him. Is that wrong?

Any advice or shared experiences would be appreciated.

[debc]

Hi Skat,

Welcome to the Forum, a good place to share your story and read other people’s stories in the same situation.

It’s great that your boyfriend has actually told you he is addicted and gone to see a counsellor. Is he going to try and carry on and do something to help himself? There are lots of AA and NA meetings on line done through Zoom.

My Son is an addict, alcohol and cocaine, doing ok at the moment, but it’s a real trial living with them, putting up with their mood swings and just wondering if they will ever get back to the person that they used to be.

It’s ok your Family telling you to support him but they don’t know what people have to go through, it’s like living in hell is the only way I can describe it.

I don’t think your wrong to want to leave him, you have to think of yourself first, a thing I find hard to do, but you cannot let them keep dragging you down and in a constant state of worry, because I’m sure they don’t worry.

Keep in touch on here, take care.

Dx

[skat]

Dear Debc

Thank you for your kind words. I feel discussing this has really helped me calm down – I’ve taken this really badly.

Yes, he has been doing AA meetings on Zoom every so often and he has been distancing himself from his friends, which I know has upset him.

I notice my partner has alcohol then seeks out the cocaine after his inhibitions have been reduced. Is this the same for your son?

I also agree with you about the mood swings – he would become very aggressive and we were having these wild arguments. He also started to tell me I am boring, and I have no interests other than my career, which I admit keeps me quite busy.

I know as a mother it must be so hard to remove yourself! Despite our 8 years and the home we purchased, I am really contemplating leaving him which is really a hard decision for me to make. But I feel like have no control over his behaviour and it’s up to him, which really gives me anxiety. I also wonder if he will go down this path once we have children.

I also don’t like the person I have been. I’ve not been very supportive because I’ve been hysterical and didn’t even ask him how he feels for a while after he told me. However, I think I am starting to relax so I can help him and talk to him. Before his confession I was often going through his phone and always suspicious, which I hated doing too.

I need to talk to his mother with him or alone about this because all he told her was that he was doing cocaine and drinking every other weekend but now he is fine. She doesn’t know the extent of it. I want her to support him especially if I have to remove myself even if this takes a month or so to get him to a bit more stable/settled so I can live with myself. He hasn’t used cocaine in 3-4 weeks so far. Any tips for talking to her from a mother’s perspective?

Skat

[debc]

Hi Skat,

I think being an addict is an illness, but there are meetings that they can join, counsellors that they can talk too, sometimes you have to pay, but if they really want help they will do anything.

Definitely starts with the alcohol then goes on to the cocaine, so to stop this they have to have total abstinence, which is obviously the hard part for them.

My Son is a Dad with a little girl of 4, he’s a good dad, but when he was at his worst he was awful, and played at being a Dad really. He has her in the week for tea and every other weekend, I suppose it helps because he lives with me.

About talking to his Mum, at least she knows that he has been taking cocaine, so she won’t be so shocked to hear that he is still taking it, although you said he’s been ok for 3/4 weeks which is great and so much better to live with, but you are always waiting for that time when they do it again, some people never do and have a great recovery. I would just say it as it is to his Mum, you can’t really sugar coat cocaine, I’m sure she will be upset but at least she will be prepared if she has to support him and you could always introduce her to Adam.

I hope this helps. Keep in touch.

Take care.

Dx

[skat]

Hi Debc,

Thank you for your message and your tips.

It’s good that he gets weekend time and dinners with his little one. Your son and grandchild are lucky to have you around as well.

I really hope he stays away from the drugs and we can even try get our relationship back. Will have to wait and see what he does next.

Keep in touch, and take care of yourself x

[Author]

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