[rabbito]

I met my boyfriend a year ago. I initially had no idea he used cocaine. I am pretty naive when it comes to drugs I found out he was a user and was pretty shocked and unsure if I want the relationship to continue but he reassured me he only used it occasionally. It’s taken me months to really figure out what is going on but now o can see a definite pattern. He uses, 3 or 4 nights a week. He is chatty, intense, really loving and affectionate, often to a point that feels over the top. The next day he is tired, moody, often snappy with me. If o tell him that he says I’m being too sensitive. He can often stay in a bad mood until he uses again, then he returns to bubbly and loving. Sometimes it’s ok but often it is just too much. He chats AT me intensely, he wants to stay up late and often guilts me into staying up with him (even when I protest because I am working next day). I find the come down so upsetting – he is moody, sarcastic, sometimes paranoid. I try and talk to him about it, occasionally he is open to this conversation but frequently I feel gaslit. He tells me I am too sensitive or dramatic or even worse, that things didn’t really happen how I recall them. I feel anxious a lot of the time and like I am walking on eggshells. I’m almost relieved when he is using. It’s not much fun for me but at least he isn’t moody or angry.
I really don’t know what to do. I feel scared to bring it up with him but I really can’t continue like this as it’s having a massive impact on my own MH.
To be honest, I think I just want someone to tell me this is a real problem and not all in my head.

[emma123]

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, you’re not going mad & the situation isn’t in your head – although your boyfriend will go out of his was to make you feel like you’re the problem. You sound like you’ve got a really good understanding of things & you’ve taken your time to learn about & understand the behaviour/patterns. Your boyfriend is an addict. And by the way you’re describing the situation he’s got no intention of admitting there is a problem or will be willing to change his behaviour any time soon. If he is not even prepared to discuss it & makes you feel like you’re the issue when you try to address things so you simply don’t just for a quiet life then he’s manipulating you & it’s working (and he probably beloved that himself at this stage as that’s what the drug will be telling him) An addict can make you feel like you’re losing your mind – will have you questioning your own reality & it’s an awful thing to be put through. The lies, the deceit, the manipulation, the gaslighting – I ended up on anti-depressants myself after coming out of a relationship with an addict because he smashed my mental health to pieces. He blamed all his odd behaviour on me to the outside world making out I was abusive at home & he had an awful home life (nothing could have been further from the truth!!!) but it bought him almost a year on cocaine before I and others started to cotton on. I unearthed thousands of debt, sex workers, the list goes on, it was absolutely horrific. My advice to you – get out. Leave. Run as fast as you can or you’ll be stuck on a merry go round of hell for years. Read some of the stories on here – is that the life & the future you want for yourself? It gets worse before it gets better – IF it ever gets better.
Sorry if I sound negative but that’s my experience of the drug & what it does to people & as much as you love them – you have to love yourself more & do what is best for YOU. No one deserves to be treated the way an addict treats you, it’s mental torture & at the end of the day – only they can get themselves out of the mess they have created, no a lot of love in the world from someone else can fix them. Hope you’re okay & always happy to talk if you need to x

[rabbito]

I know I need to leave. I honestly can’t explain why I don’t. I bring the subject up and by the end of the conversation I’m not even sure what I was trying to say. I end up feeling like I’m being unreasonable because he says I am not being patient or understanding enough. He also draws comparisons between coke and me taking anti-depressants. He said we both manage our mood in different ways, I just think my way is ok because it is prescribed. I was speechless. How is this the same thing? I’m not spending thousands of pounds on anti-depressants. It doesn’t change my character. It helps level my mood not send it spiralling. It helps my sleep, not disrupt it. I just felt like such an idiot by the end of the conversation. He told me he had done a week of minimal use and I stupidly got my hopes up. Then I arrive at his house and I see his dealer pull up outside his house and him run out to get his drugs. He had text me about 20 minutes before saying don’t rush over as he was still working. But that was obviously a lie. He just wanted to collect and take some drugs before I arrived. And like an absolute mug, I didn’t even say anything. I just pretended I hadn’t seen this happen because I didn’t want to upset him and have to deal with an argument about it. I am so frustrated, mainly with myself for putting up with this.

[gimmestrength]

I feel like I’m reading my own words before I ended my last realtionship.

I dealt with it because I truly loved him when he was “good” and he was a really great guy with so much potential. We had so much fun together. I didn’t see the extent of his problem. It’s come to my attention that he was lying about his cocaine use while I was with him. Your “don’t rush over” story triggered me a bit as he said that to me all the time – was he picking up? Another probably to add to the long list of days he claimed to be straight. He was a top class liar as I thought I recognised when he was high and when he wasn’t – but clearly not.

I promise what you see is the tip of the iceberg. And if I have any advice it’s to get out before you get in too deep – or worse – like I did – start using too.

It’s so difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone you love is lying to you. I think that’s been why breaking up with him was the worst heartbreak of my life. I know he’s worse too – saw a pic of him on a mutual friend’s social media and it looks like he’s not eaten all month. This gives me huge amounts of guilt.

If he had even admitted to having a problem and wanted help, I totally would have helped. But he didn’t…

It took for him to seriously let me down and prioritise an opportunity to take drugs, when I needed him most, to actually end things.

[gimmestrength]

About the conversation – you need to be super clear. I tried once and he found a way to squirrel out of it/keep me sweet for a few more weeks. Another thing addicts are really good at as they’re really well practiced…

[rabbito]

Thanks for your reply. I know I need to get out. It’s helpful to hear that from people who get it.

[rabbito]

Everything has been so awful for the last couple of weeks. One moment he is telling me he wants to marry me and have a baby with me. Next, he is accusing me of lying to him, flirting with other people, being cold and cruel. I can’t argue with him. He is so good at arguing that by the end, I am second-guessing myself. What am I staying for? This life is a rollercoaster. I don’t want this.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Rabbito

 

Everything you are saying is from the same rule book many of us have experienced…I promise you you are not alone and this is not your fault xx

I 100% echo what gimmestrength and Emma123 have said , please get out!

I was a fiery , confident fit and healthy person 11 years ago before I met my husband.

I have ended up depressed, overweight and talk with a stammer… He’s shredded my self confidence to nothing.

 

He has gone through MANY “fresh starts “… Will pull out all the stops to keep me sweet… Seek mental health help , recover   go to self help groups, pretend he’s fine for a few months , join me at family events go on holidays…the stuff normal couples do! It makes the falls feel so much harder each time .

 

I’m slowly coming to realise I have to get out (not for the first time) and I’ve been advised I probably need help for myself to understand why I am co-dependent. I am going to be reaching out to domestic violance groups like women’s aid… I suggest you do the same , as they will truly understand and be able to help provide the right support we need to break free.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I wish you all the very best , please take care of yourself and take this advice here so you don’t have to go through the same misery over the coming years…don’t waste your own life. Feel free to DM me if that’s an option on here.  Xx</p>
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[rabbito]

Thanks for replying Lozzy. I am constantly thinking about getting out of this relationship but can also completely see how easy it would be to watch a decade slip by. I agree, it’s those brief moments that things are good that give you some hope for what things could be like and make you want to hang on.

It is always helpful to hear someone say it’s not all in my head.

 

[Lozzy80]

Some tools that might help you at this stage :

The cycle of abuse wheel

FOG – fear , obligation, guilt

The two tools above might help you understand a bit more about the behaviours and feelings you are going through. They’ve definitely helped me..

 

If you search for them along with the term “abuse ” online they will easily be found.

 

I also started keeping a journal.evrry day of how I’m feeling , how my day went etc… I realised I’m happier and relaxed on days that don’t involve him… Helps to relfect and give you that motivation needed to leave.  Also helps when they try gaslight you a d deny certain events ever happened.

Do not store any of this where they can find it though, as they may escalate their manipulation/possibly be violent if they think they are losing their hold over you… I’m not trying to scare you…just sensing some red flags and want to make sure you are aware of the possible escalation that can happen especially when they are coming down off cocaine

 

 

 

[rabbito]

Thanks – I will look into those.

There are plenty of red flags. I don’t think physical violence is a risk. He is very good at staying calm and collected, I will then snap and get angry and shout. He then says it is me that is the problem. I don’t really have any comeback to that – I have shouted, lost my temper, stormed out. I know why, it’s because I reached the end of my tether. He then references my ‘outburst’ frequently for weeks afterwards as if we have concluded that I am the problem, not him and definitely not his drug use.

[gimmestrength]

I came back to say that I recently contacted a charity about my ex’s drug use. Even though I’d left the relationship they were really great and I will be eligible for support which surprised me! If you’re in England the charity is Drugfam. I contacted them initially and they were super nice but can’t help me as I’m in Scotland. Scottish equivalent is SFAD. I would encourage anyone battling with this to get in touch with either charity – whether you stay in the relationship or leave.  It’s important to speak to people who understand addictions and won’t judge you or your partner.

[eddie123]

Get in touch with ADAPT Charity in Oxford, they also provide family support which is nationwide and online as well as free treatment for the addict, if they want it. have a look at their website http://www.adaptoxford.org.uk

[rabbito]

That looks really helpful. Thanks guys – have had such a full-on weekend of it, totally exhausted and really appreciate the support.

[gimmestrength]

I feel you, sending big hugs. Know that you have to do what’s right for YOU long term and there’s nothing to feel guilty about if you need to step away from him.

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/
They also provide free treatment if an addict wants to get clean, have a look at their website

[rabbito]

Finally walked away this morning.
Started the new year with lots of promises. Getting rid of phone and dealers number, stopping completely, keeping busy to try and stay on track. None of those things have happened. He may have made some effort to cut down but it’s been minimal. Still multiple all-nighters, come downs for days, moods, generally shady behaviour. I stayed with him for the last week. In some ways, I have come to expect the drugs at the weekends, he has some kind of ingrained belief that you have to stay up and party all night on a Friday or Saturday. Seeing him sniffing on a Wednesday afternoon after a country walk and a pub lunch was just the final straw. I’m not an addict so I know I’m never going to ‘get it’. But I am sure I don’t want that for my life. Anyway. I asked him and he lied to me. So, I walked. I love him so much and would be willing to support him if he took any tangible steps towards getting help and stopping. But he isn’t. So I am done and very much looking toward to weekend of being on my own, going to bed at 10pm and being extremely boring!

[fayzey]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Rabbito, I was just reading this thread and thinking I know exactly what you’ve been going through and how horrendous it is, and I was really hoping you find the strength to finish it with him. And then I got to the end and you have! It’s so hard to make the decision as they make you doubt yourself at every turn so just wanted to say that’s a massive step and stay strong as I’m sure it won’t be easy. These relationships we have been dealing with aren’t normal and it’s not ok. Even though they try to convince us otherwise…</p>

[gimmestrength]

I’m so glad you managed to find the strength to end things and took your self worth seriously.

I hope you’re doing well now, I’m sure there will be a lot of complicated emotions to work through.

Personally I’m on a massive healing journey after all I experienced. I’m doing therapy, rebuilding my self esteem, learning my values and boundaries so that I’m well equipped for future relationships.

Good luck 🙂

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