[AnonJ]

I honestly wish to never need to come to this forum again, cause things were so good. Everything was smooth, perfect, easy.
He didnt use since April, and dare I say even then it was a “small” hiccup. you can probably see that in my post history.

I can write such a long detailed story about what happened each day this past week, but i feel its a bit redundant and long winded.
The bottom line is that he has started using cocaine again on Tuesday, it is no Monday and he is still high. 

My initial response on Tuesday was to let it storm through, I let him try and run its course, no judgement, no anger. Reminding myself “I did not cause it,  can not control it, and I can not cure it”. But ofc his promises of “I’ll take valium and come to bed” were empty promises.
Granted, he had a day o so in between when he was sober, slept a lot, even tried going to the gym. I also did coke with him Friday in a cowardly move to somehow put an end to it and so he doesnt storm off to do it with a friend or get a hotel (please don’t judge me, I feel like everything i do is wrong already).

I know relapse is bound to happen sometimes, this is forever after all, and i know it is stronger than him. But it feels like it’ll never end when we’re in it.

He lied yesterday night when I asked if he did coke again. that’s the first time (as far as I know) theres powder all over the bathroom. bloody tissues and needles for when his nose is too fucked already.
He is so mean when he is high / on a comedown. So argumentative. it tears me apart from the inside, I love him so much.

I left for work this morning, and told him I will stay with a friend until he is done. Because I can not deal with it any more.

Maybe I need to be harsher with him, to show him how it affects our relationship. But I do not want this to fall apart, I can not imagine my life without him, he is my soulmate and I will do whatever I can to help him and us, but he doesnt seem to see it as a problem anymore.

I am so scared.

I only keep thinking about “normal” couples, and what “normal” adversities they might face? How easy must life be .

[paw_x]

Hi AnonJ,

I don’t know if it’s trying to change the font that messes these posts up, but I’ve managed to read what you’ve said anyway.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And don’t be hard on yourself, as nobody knows what to do in these situations.

Yes you can’t control his actions or his addiction. But you can put in place boundaries that might help him see that what he’s doing isn’t going to be tolerated by you. Standing by and saying “I’ll love you and stand by you regardless” for me, led to nothing but more lies, more cocaine, more money being blown, more destruction. It was enabling him to continue with what he was doing while the demon in his head told him “she’s fine with it, she’s stayed with you, it’s all okay”. I can’t speak for everyone but that’s how it was for me. I had to leave my partner, let him hit rock bottom, and let him have no choice but to get clean and sober before I seen him really try to get better.

Mines is my soulmate as well but best believe if he goes down this path again, I’ll be saying my final goodbyes. I know my limits and I can’t sacrifice any more of my life for him. Think about your own limits and try to put in place some boundaries that will help you. Sometimes that means time apart for you to focus on what you want.

There is no right or wrong way but he needs to be at CA meetings every day, and properly in the recovery process, or this is all pointless as you’ll be in a neverending cycle of mental torture and you deserve better. Best of luck x

[Author]

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