[naz]

Hi there, I’ll say now that any form of advice and support would be appreciated, as this has been stressing me out and bringing me down, so thank you in advance 🙂

I’ve been seeing my boyfriend since September of 2019 and we fell in love hard and quick. He’s my second ever serious relationship and after the end of my 10 year relationship in 2018, we decided to take things slow and steady. We currently live apart however, but are still able to see one another every weekend from Fri-Sun, often seeing each other Weds evenings too.

He told me, a month or so into dating, that he had a cocaine issue. He was very honest, said that he uses to numb himself and only ever takes by himself, in his bedroom. He’s been through a lot of loss, 5 years ago his 20 year relationship dissolved, a year later his mother passed away and a year after that (about 2 years ago now) his grandmother who he lived with also died. Her death almost ended with him being homeless and as a way of coping, he took to cocaine.

Before we met, he explained, he was spiralling and taking almost every day. I regularly ask him, directly, how much he is taking now and I would say it averages out at about twice a week on the nights I don’t see him. How much exactly each time, I don’t know. He’s assured me and I trust him on this, that he never takes it when he’s spending time with me – I live with my best friend and we’ve both noted his behaviour is pretty consistent, no weird changes or mood swings etc. I’ve taken the drug a few times previously prior to the relationship and don’t see any signs of its effects when I’m with him.

He is on the whole, an amazing man. I can see a future with him and care for him deeply. I have stated that my hard line/boundary is that he must get professional help of some sort, as I understand this is beyond my scope and he has to do this himself. I myself have been attending therapy for the past year for anxiety/depression and I really believe in giving it proper effort, as I feel like it helps me.

2 weeks ago he contacted a local service, who he was originally in touch with just over a year ago, and they’ve said they’ll have a therapist call him back but with COVID, there are understandable delays.

I accept that this will be a long hard road with possibly multiple relapses, but I really can deal with that, as long as he’s trying and getting help. I’ve said that to him, clearly. And he’s said he hates taking it and wants to stop and believes he will; his logic being, he used to take it everyday and now manages on twice a week.

I see him for 4 nights a week and it doesn’t (currently) affect the kind of partner he is. He remains calm, joyful and loving, with an occasional argumentativeness which normally correlates with a comedown on the first day/evening he’s here, but nothing to write home about. He has however borrowed a considerable sum from me to get a tyre clamp removed (all real, he sent pictures of the ticket etc), but his habit means he didn’t have the money in the first place, despite his well-paid job, and he’s paying me back but far slower than he could be.

So I guess my question is, what do I do? Is this a case of getting out now while I can? Will this only get worse? How do I set my boundaries with him in this? Can me and him discuss timeframes?

Any advice is appreciated x

[billy]

I can only speak of my experience of my 31 year old son. He was in a relationship and got married last year, he has a 5 year old daughter. In less than a year he has lost all that. His wife left him, he’s losing his house and he has drug dealers chasing him for the £1,000’s he owes them for cocaine. All because he started taking cocaine. I’m only telling you this as this is what taking Cocaine can do to people. My son is a shell of himself now. Please be mindful of your own well-being

[helenl]

Hey Naz

I feel sorry for you and it is really sad that you are experiencing any of those bad emotions. I hope the story am going to tell will help you to open up your eyes and to make the only and good decision.

I met the guy 4 years ago, same scenario: first serious relationship after being single (and trust me very successful, happy and independent) for a year or so. After dating with him a month, he confessed that he was selling & sniffing cocaine but not any more and he has nothing to do with this all. He said that he is looking for family and person like me. That was a beginning of true love. I got pregnant, he was so happy, but some time later after I told him this news he started to disappear, calling and saying that he is with friends at 2am, etc.. i clicked that he is sniffing…badly, after 3 and a half month I’ve lost my girl because of stress and shock realising who actually is next to me…I knew that it won’t be any good to stay with him.. but that time I decided “to help and save

him”. After 6 month KNOwing each other and experienced miscarriage we moved together and that is how my worse nightmare became a reality. He started to act! He was sniffing 2 or 3 times a week, drinking about 11 12 cans of beer, getting loud ,aggressive chatting with mates about prostitutes etc. Finally started to abuse me, calling slut, dirt, filth, rat, cu**t ( well, I am highly educated person, with good manners,coming from the very respectful family and family oriented person)..well, he ended up with a great idea that the baby I’ve lost was not his and he said that if I will ever get pregnant again he will take me for DNA. Things got worse after another year, and another and another year. I had about 4 attempts to leave him, but every time when my stuffs were packed and ready to go, he was bagging me to stay! And I was keep giving him a chances…please Note he was on cocaine twice a week and could not wait to get the line in to him. Aggressive, arrogant, rude almost all the time..because of cocaine.. I did not sleep nights for a weeks, month and years..crying, praying getting depressed.he was wasting OUR money, I took a loan for the house improvement 10k…in the end of the story I left, I got myself free from all it. Cocaine alcohol prostitutes betrays lies, lies lies again, promises. I am now renting on my own ( ran away literally), having a debt of 10k with the bank, paying myself for my mistakes, grief for my baby girl never been born, attending councillor…the cocaine IN Him destroyed my self esteem, my personality, my piece, my highest me. Now I need to invest in myself to get back to myself, to be back to normality. Have you ever heard about emotional violence? Do you like to experience it and to waste your treasure time and yourself on some scumbag? Love for…no girl…the people who uses cocaine don’t know what is it..they are numb!!! No heart, no sense no morals, no feelings…only they think about is a fat fat line. Now, after my story is over..think again what kind of life you wish for yourself. If you need to talk, just message me. Girl, run!!!!! It not a love, it’s worse nightmare ahead..unfortunately for you, not for him. He is grand with his best friend! Cocaine….

[kel1]

Wow I just read this and was completely gobsmacked! How are things now? I’ve been thru hell myself over the years, particularly the last six months. Something about your story resonates with mine. My story is on here somewhere!

I am so sorry that you’ve been through all this, and to think you stayed to try to help him over the years. You mentioned you used to be happy and independent, and now all of that you now have to build back up. Well, that’s what I think has clicked with me reading your story, as I feel like a completely different person. Self esteem and confidence is at an all time low and I’m so scared I’ll be this person now. I am literally scared of everything, and because of all the lies, Betrayals and treatment I have just gone silent. The pain of it all is ridiculous.

I hope things are better for you now.

I agree life with a cocaine addict is no picnic. It will literally destroy you in every which way. I had to leave also and what’s left behind is a trail of destruction and pain.

They are manipulative, so all this about giving up bla bla is all in the action. If they want to give up then they will do something about it, however that drug always seems to drag them to the hell they put their loved ones thru.

Run miles away and never look back. People have said to me before that cocaine is the devil drug, it changes people into monsters.

Makes me sick even thinking about what I’ve been thru

[zesty]

hi Naz,

im in a similar situation myself – all i can say is that it is a good sign he is open with you about his addiction and is willing to speak about it with you. cocaine is a disgusting drug that makes you forget about all the things you love dearly and you basically become an animal. i know how you feel when you say you’re completely in love with the guy and he’s so special to you because thats my situation too. trust me when i say – if he truly cares he will listen to you and change his ways. you need to give him a wakeup call and talk to him about how you feel and what you want for you both (when he’s sober of course), after a particularly bad episode i did this with my boyfriend and i had every right to kick him out, break up with him and make him homeless. but i know he has a good heart, he’s just destructive and makes bad decisions. he vowed to me that he would change and if he was ever caught touching the stuff again he’d end it with me because he knows he cant put me through it again, he even cried seeing how heartbroken i was and said he never wants to see me in that way again. he admitted he needs help and said he will prove to me that he can be better and overcome it. im giving him a few weeks to prove to me with his actions and after that i’ll decide whether i can be with him or not – i say give him a chance, if he truly does care and wants to change he will get the help he needs to be better for you.

[zozo]

All I can say is Lord help us all.

Currently living with a cocaine addict, we ve been together and living together for 9 months, started off as love at first sight.

Until lady cocaine took over.

He told me he s been using for 25 yes but is in the process of quiting because he is getting tired of it… He also said I am the main reason behind it, as I clearly stated, I do not want to be with him if he keeps using. Sweared to me he doesn’t want to lose me and he will kick the habit, he even went to rehab, only to keep telling me lies he is not using anymore when I KNOW everytime he said used even though he denies it. Silly me.

I kicked him out the house once, he came back crying and swearing next time he uses he will leave himself because he does not want to see me hurt but guess what…. More lies…

The key is to identify the problem and realize you can’t help an addict quit if they don’t want it themselves.

I ve dealt with aggression issues, lies, more lies, mood swings, violence, being called names, diminishing behaviour, you name it because of his addiction.

I love him dearly but it has gotten to a point I’m not sure how much more I can tolerate this. I have started feeling sorry for him and do not admire him anymore like I used to. He keeps talking about marriage and having a future with me and of course I would be a dumbass to make plans with a man who is unworthy of my trust because of his addiction.

Had I known, what was lying ahead of me when I met him, I swear I would have run miles away…

I honestly believe cocaine addicts can’t really love. The only love they have is for cocaine. No matter how hard they try to trick you into believing they care about you, it s all lies. It s a disease. I ve tried to tell myself it will pass but it can only get worse and we need to stop fooling ourselves.

We, partners of addicts, need to love ourselves more and realize we will never be really loved by them. They simply don’t give a damn about us, no matter how hard we want to believe things will change.

Worst part is knowing they try to hide when we know the truth. It makes me outraged. Then they will blame you for not trusting them! Talking about manipulation…

I hope we all find the strengtg to realize we are worthy of true love and runaway from all this drama….the sooner then better…

[Author]

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