[daniela]

We’ve been dating for two years, and both in our early thirties. Somewhere in the beginning, I did start to notice that our dates usually involved alcohol. But dumb me didn’t think to flag that. You go out to dinner and have a few drinks, didn’t seem like a big deal. Eventually we moved in-together and I noticed that he drank alcohol like I drink water. And I’m hydrated AF. He also admitted that he has a problem with cocaine, but wants to stop — says he’d been doing it everyday. He even stopped hanging in crowds where cocaine is available. I was crazy in love and believed him. However, fast forward to a year later and nothing has changed. I guess he’s graduated from doing cocaine socially, to doing it by himself. We’ve been through cycles where I catch him using cocaine, and he throws it out with huge promises to quit. His family and I have all tried to get him to stop. What we have now is a guy who hides bottles, and spends way too much time in the bathroom. He’s a great guy underneath it all, but the drugs cause problems in our relationship. It’s almost like he’s checked out, but not just in the relationship, with everything. If this guy didn’t work with his family, he would have been fired a long time ago. It’s hard to rely on him, because he constantly doesn’t follow through on what he says — big and small. I’m starting to get mad at him all the time now, and the intimacy has totally faded. I’m pretty sure we’ve only had sex twice this year. We got in a huge fight again, and he’s staying with his family right now. I told him I didn’t want him to come back unless he is sober. Issue is, his attempts to get clean never stick. Is it even possible to quit on your own? I don’t think the alcohol helps either. I do want to get married and start a family one day, but even though we love each other…I’m starting to wonder what kind of life I’d be setting myself up for if I stay with him. He says that me believing in him, that he’s able to stop, helps him to not use. But are these just words? We’ve never been separated like this before, but I keep thinking that I should cut my losses now, and permanently move out. I really want to think that he can stop, but I just don’t even know if it’s possible.

[igetyou1000]

I signed up to respond bc I have the same story and wanted to tell you I understand 1000% and if my story helps you.. i wanted to share..

mine admitted a few months into dating that his coke usage was recreational/social on the weekends and he’s always hid it in past relationships but we had such an immediately strong mental connection and ease that he wanted to start the relationship completely honest with me. so I was okay with it since I’ve recreationally used in the past a few times without any issues and.. I really respected that he was honest.

However, I moved in and began to see the true extent of his need for it, with lockdown making it worse. it’s so accessible and no need to hide it from anyone.. even me bc he told me upfront abt it.. morning use to wake up, lunch to curb cravings and small bumps to make it through the work day as it made his work calls sound so much more confident and he zoned in hard until late night. And then he’d wait until I went to bed to have some alone time with his ‘friend’ and take off the edge before any come downs and then he’d sleep like 5-6am and wouldn’t be able to wake up for work at 8am and the vicious cycle would start. his boss would get on his case for not waking up and I hated playing alarm clock. Every night he would come up with a grand plan for the next day to fix his schedule or tone it down, or we tried to come up with game plans to keep him distracted. and every morning I was disappointed because he couldn’t even wake up for work bc he stayed up til 6am again and those actions he always talked abt never followed. How can you trust him as a life partner with children and adulting when you can’t even trust him to get to work on time?

I loved my guy and gave up a vibrant city life to adjust and accommodate to his and I didn’t mind doing that because he was super sweet when he was on his highs and I believed there is a good core person inside.. but I forgot for a while that I have to love me because I was always #2 at best.

It was hard, but I moved out especially as I saw his anxiety, paranoia, irritability, and other ugly things start to peep out even though I know he tried really hard to hold it in. if he wants to stop, only he can make up his mind and take action. Don’t listen to the words bc I feel like they’re really empty; he means well and he wants to, I’m sure.. but coke lies all day, so you gotta let the actions talk.. you’ll be strung along because you can’t change him. Only he can change himself. if he wants you bad enough, he’ll make those efforts to save the relationship. I haven’t talked to my person in a few weeks and I feel like that’s my answer. He chose coke. I chose me. it cuts the heart to go through that loss but better now than years later.. good luck

[heartbroken-and-exha]

I’m pleased you found the courage to leave him…. I feel the same way… he chose coke and I need to choose me but it’s just so hard to leave as it’s hit me from out of the blue. I’ve moved out…. he says he’s going to rehab but even so…. I can’t forgive all of the lying and sneaking about doing stuff behind my back.

[kel1]

Sadly, I understand only to well also which upsets me because there are so many families/relationships destroyed by this substance.

Cocaine turns people into monsters that becomes obsessed with themselves and the behaviours associated to it.

It very nearly killed me, so leaving was my only option also. You say about “choosing you” – I like that and it’s a good way to look at things because “I chose me too”. But, it was the hardest decision of my life.

I felt wounded, heartbroken and lost. Imagine being second, third or whatever best over No 1 aka cocaine.

I doubt I’ll ever understand what happened and how quickly that drug destroyed my ex partner.

I think I’ll always be numb and hurt over what I went through – I can’t even think about it. I now suffer with PTSD so if you’re thinking of staying then think again.

Don’t end up like me. X

[brooke714]

Im in the same situation except that I have a child with my guy which makes it even harder. He’s so good when he is good but the lying that comes with cocaine addiction is something else. Do you ever feel like you are second guessing yourself?

[daniela]

The lying can really mess with your head. I think I was too naive in the beginning, and genuinely believed the lies. But there was a part of me that had hope, and still does. It definitely makes you second guess yourself, because sometimes I’ll start to wonder if I’m the crazy one. It’s just so hard to walk away because I still see that good person inside of him also. We talked today and I can see that he knows he has a problem. He seems to have a lot of guilt. I suggested CA and he seemed open to it, but I also told him that I didn’t want to force him to do anything, and to at least think about it. I guess I’m also testing how serious he is about quitting, so I can get a better idea on whether or not to stay. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like if there were kids involved. It seems like the parents have to be the best versions of themselves just to have the energy to raise a child.

I’m really happy that everyone here responded. You have no idea how nice it feels to read your stories as well.

[sunflower124]

Hi – I just wanted to comment as reading these is so familiar to me. I’m in the same situation – partner who says he’s going to stop and then relapses, I don’t think he really accepts he has a problem yet. He thinks it’s my problem and I’m the one with the issues… but it’s the lies that are the worst. I am questioning if it is my fault/my issues even though I know deep down it’s not. We have a baby also – he’s a great dad most of the time but I can’t deal with the relapses and mostly the lies and deceptive behaviour!!

[brooke714]

It is so hard isn’t it? Just remember it is NEVER YOU. Addicts will say whatever they can to try and make you think otherwise. I’ve been in your shoes where I have questioned if maybe I was wrong and that I was just assuming but girl, trust your gut. I have a great support system then when he relapses and tries to tell me I’m wrong and crazy, i go to them to reassure me so my mind doesn’t listen to the lies he’s saying. He clearly hasn’t accepted his problem yet and I wish I could tell you it’ll get better but it will be a long road and he will most definitely take his anger out on you and say things he does not mean. It’s up to you if that’s the life you want. I have hope mine can beat it but to be honest I really don’t know anymore.

[ele1215]

I also really relate, I was naive I knew my now husband had issues long before I married him but I always hoped he would change, I accept now he won’t. I find it hard to walk away because i am clinging on to the good, knowing it’s mainly bad and putting up with the mood swings, manipulation and blame that I’m given. I know deep down I shouldn’t be here anymore but I don’t want to give up on the man I love. If you can walk away now, I urge you to seriously consider it, not because he’s a bad person but for you, please don’t think they will change because they have to want to and if eventually they do that’s great but don’t wait to find out.

[daniela]

So we’ve been apart for two months now, and now I’m starting to see that he doesn’t seem committed to changing. He’s probably just enjoying his time staying up all night drinking and doing coke, without having to worry about me bothering him. I don’t know what to do because I feel stuck. I can’t seem to move on. I told him I wanted to move out permanently for a couple months so he can sort himself out, but he’s been avoiding the conversation. Why do I feel so trapped by him?

[sissi]

The lies are the worst for me too. I can’t stand it. The deceptive behaviours… everytime he’s about to get high, meet with dealers or other addicts, I can feel it in my bone before it happens and without him saying a word, being with me or not. Even just watching him walking to the bathroom, I can tell if he’s about to snort something or really just using the loo. It makes me sick. I caught him again recently with a straw up his nose; when he pretended he needed to “use the bathroom.” I love him and I’m staying, that’s my choice. I could leave, it would be simpler, but I decided not to. We went through too much already. He just relapsed after several months of being clean. He has been struggling for 10 years now. He was also mixing alcohol before but stopped, except for a few episodes of mixing drugs with liquour, but other than that he does usually stay on his prescribed meds; except for the occasional relapse (which usually includes a cocktail of drugs and liquour). But he has done much better. So recently he just relapsed again. And it is hard to deal with. It ain’t cocaine but it’s the same lies and same abusive behaviour. We don’t have children and don’t want any, long as he is this way.

[claire12]

Hi My partner has a serious cocaine and alcohol problem lies about it constantly I know I don’t even have to see the messages his friends on his phone I can tell when he walked through the door how his temper how he is with me he says he been clean for 5 weeks now but its a lie i had to work last Sunday night and left in the last two small children he was off his face on drugs and wait for them now if he can stop for his kids he will die He’s always done drugs since we met but I’ve never really knew the extent till now he has a lot of money I think guess he probably spent about £30,000 last year when you seen the

Money hes ernt but nothing to show how hes still alive I will never know he’s told me that he does want to help and he wants to stop but I just don’t know how to get into the doctors don’t know how to make him see that if he doesn’t stop now he will lose us he will die couple of weeks ago he started to wet himself as well not even knowing that he needed to go to the toilet I was his body started to shut down his teeth and started to fall out to look at him you probably think it was okay but for someone that loves him and sees and every day you know that person is struggling has such a bad addiction and I just don’t know what to do

[heartbroken-and-exha]

This post really resonated and I’m sorry to see so many others are going through this.

I recently found out my husband has a bad cocaine addiction. He has lied over and over to me, leaving me feeling confused and worthless. We had everything and 90% of our time together has been perfect.

I’m struggling to understand what caused him to just take coke at home and why he chose that over our life together.

I’m heartbroken and feel like the rug has been pulled from under my feet.

I want to help him but I’ve currently moved out as I can’t cope and feel like it’s over.

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