[Fiona1999]

Dear all,

Ive been spending hours on here reading all of your stories and I am so glad to hear Im not the only one dealing with a partner that has problems.

I’ve(23yo) known my boyfriend (24yo) for a year now, the first month when we met (not dating) I didn’t know he was using coke, I think around 2-3 months later I saw some bruises on his hand and asked about it, then he told me he was used coke and sleeping pills and tried to ride a scooter and had an accident. At that time I just thought he used coke on occasion and as a party thingy.

Some months later I finally realised that he was an addict because he literally told me “Im an addict”. Ive never dealt with anyone with an addition before I didnt even know people in my environment who are addicts or using coke. But when he admitted, I was already head over heels and in love with him, I didn’t see a problem and stayed with him, trying to support him as much as I could since I was aware there was no way I could change him.

Around November we started our relationship, right before we started it he already told me that he couldn’t be the best possible person/boyfriend for me as long as he’s not clean, I told him that’s fine because I will be with him no matter what.

He tried his best to stay clean but of course as we all know, addicts cannot control their brains when they are craving the drugs. So he has used multiple times during our time together, I know I couldn’t stop him from using so I made a rule for him, I never wanna be near you whenever you’ve used because Ive seen it once and it was actually really scary for me to see that. He’s not aggressive whenever he uses but just that look in his eyes is so scary to me, so cold and soulness. Not the man I fell in love with and felt safe with.

So whenever he does use and gets high, we dont talk or message each other because nothing good will come out of his mouth anyways. His dad was also an addict and he recovered, so I was wondering if being an addict is something hereditary?

Fast forward to March, he told me he kissed another girl while om coke, he told me he doesn’t deserves me and I can get better than a coke head. I was hurt by his actions of course but he was high (although not an excuse) and somehow I just knew it wasn’t the real him whenever hes on coke + he’s doing self sabotage. I forgave him and decided to give us a second chance, it went well we rebuilt trust and it made us even stronger as couple. Up until yesterday, he told me he cheated again while being high and he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. Mind you during the first time he cheated and the second time, he always tried to push me away while he was on his come downs, he has always said that he doesn’t deserve any good in his life and why I wanted to be with an addict. He also always have tried to stay clean, detox and go into rehab, but I feel like he never “really” wanted to go up until few weeks ago he did call up a rehab and they are doing screenings and stuff to see if the rehab is suited for him. If it all goes through he’ll be in rehab in August.

This is my very first healthy relationship and you might think how could this be healthy if hes an addict. Its really the way he makes me feel, communicate in healthy and open ways.

He told me he isn’t capable right now to maintain a relationship because he’s still an active addict but that he still cares about me. I know he wants to let me go, he doesn’t want to drag me into his misery because he knows its also hurting me, but I am a very strong woman I have been a lot and all I wanna do it support him and stay on his side.

If he’s open to my suggestion, I obviously don’t wanna break up and keep him and I on hold until he is out of rehab. I really wanna know how he is after rehab and the change and development he’s gonna go through but I am not sure if he wants us to be together. Once he told me that he hates his life sober but the only thing that makes his sober life better is because Im in it.

I know deep in my heart that he’s worth the hardships and struggles we are going through right now, to makes us stronger and build a life together.

He wanted to talk this week about this all but I have my education stuff as priority now so it will probably next week that I will talk with him.

If you read this far, thank you so much I really needed to get this all of my chest. Feel free to share your similar stories, experiences, thoughts or advice on my situation. (also English isn’t my first language so sorry for grammar errors)

Thank you

[Author]

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