[Fiona1999]

<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>Dear all,</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>Ive been spending hours on here reading all of your stories and I am so glad to hear Im not the only one dealing with a partner that has problems.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>I’ve(23yo) known my boyfriend (24yo) for a year now, the first month when we met (not dating) I didn’t know he was using coke, I think around 2-3 months later I saw some bruises on his hand and asked about it, then he told me he was used coke and sleeping pills and tried to ride a scooter and had an accident. At that time I just thought he used coke on occasion and as a party thingy.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>Some months later I finally realised that he was an addict because he literally told me “Im an addict”. Ive never dealt with anyone with an addition before I didnt even know people in my environment who are addicts or using coke. But when he admitted, I was already head over heels and in love with him, I didn’t see a problem and stayed with him, trying to support him as much as I could since I was aware there was no way I could change him.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>Around November we started our relationship, right before we started it he already told me that he couldn’t be the best possible person/boyfriend for me as long as he’s not clean, I told him that’s fine because I will be with him no matter what.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>He tried his best to stay clean but of course as we all know, addicts cannot control their brains when they are craving the drugs. So he has used multiple times during our time together, I know I couldn’t stop him from using so I made a rule for him, I never wanna be near you whenever you’ve used because Ive seen it once and it was actually really scary for me to see that. He’s not aggressive whenever he uses but just that look in his eyes is so scary to me, so cold and soulness. Not the man I fell in love with and felt safe with.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>So whenever he does use and gets high, we dont talk or message each other because nothing good will come out of his mouth anyways. His dad was also an addict and he recovered, so I was wondering if being an addict is something hereditary?</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>Fast forward to March, he told me he kissed another girl while om coke, he told me he doesn’t deserves me and I can get better than a coke head. I was hurt by his actions of course but he was high (although not an excuse) and somehow I just knew it wasn’t the real him whenever hes on coke + he’s doing self sabotage. I forgave him and decided to give us a second chance, it went well we rebuilt trust and it made us even stronger as couple. Up until yesterday, he told me he cheated again while being high and he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. Mind you during the first time he cheated and the second time, he always tried to push me away while he was on his come downs, he has always said that he doesn’t deserve any good in his life and why I wanted to be with an addict. He also always have tried to stay clean, detox and go into rehab, but I feel like he never “really” wanted to go up until few weeks ago he did call up a rehab and they are doing screenings and stuff to see if the rehab is suited for him. If it all goes through he’ll be in rehab in August.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>This is my very first healthy relationship and you might think how could this be healthy if hes an addict. Its really the way he makes me feel, communicate in healthy and open ways.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>He told me he isn’t capable right now to maintain a relationship because he’s still an active addict but that he still cares about me. I know he wants to let me go, he doesn’t want to drag me into his misery because he knows its also hurting me, but I am a very strong woman I have been a lot and all I wanna do it support him and stay on his side.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>If he’s open to my suggestion, I obviously don’t wanna break up and keep him and I on hold until he is out of rehab. I really wanna know how he is after rehab and the change and development he’s gonna go through but I am not sure if he wants us to be together. Once he told me that he hates his life sober but the only thing that makes his sober life better is because Im in it.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>I know deep in my heart that he’s worth the hardships and struggles we are going through right now, to makes us stronger and build a life together.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>He wanted to talk this week about this all but I have my education stuff as priority now so it will probably next week that I will talk with him.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>If you read this far, thank you so much I really needed to get this all of my chest. Feel free to share your similar stories, experiences, thoughts or advice on my situation. (also English isn’t my first language so sorry for grammar errors)</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; caret-color: #183264; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”>Thank you</p>

[lillyanne456]

Hi,

I really resonate with your story. I’m in a very similar situation although my partner refuses rehab. He is saying that when he comes to live with me next year it’ll all be gone. Whilst that is an interesting prospect – in the meantime I just feel totally lost and alone. I get so unhappy when he is on the coke.
How do you cope not talking to him or having contact with him when he is using? I’m thinking this may be better for us. At the moment I’m just arguing with him all the time. I feel unhappy and it doesn’t matter what I say or do it doesn’t change anything. I know it’s highly addictive and I thought honesty and opennness would help me feel better about it but it just makes me so frustrated and I feel really hurt by it.

thank you for sending your story.

[Fiona1999]

Hi there,

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this. I dont know if this will make you feel any better, but I know exactly what you are going through and feeling atm.

To answer your question, I cope by doing my own stuff, watch series or hangout with friends. Because worrying about him using won’t make the situation any better. Sometimes when he does use or like the morning/night of it he will text me stuff and I just know by the way he text he’s on drugs, I always asked him if he’s on coke and he would always say yes, whenever he says yes I always thank him for being honest with me because most of the time when he doesn’t wanna admit to me is because of the shame and guilt he feels. So that’s why I thank him and show him that its okay to admit to me whenever he’s using (also so he sees that Im a safe space for him)

I also feel frustrated and hurt by it, believe me but one thing, I never ever can get mad at him because I know its not his intention to ever frustrate or hurt me, same goes for you! I think you are arguing with him all the time because you turnt your frustration and hurt into your coping mechanism, I also had that for a bit but I just realised it’s not worth the fighting and saying things to him that you don’t actually mean, it only causes damage. Ofcourse what you feel is very very valid dont get me wrong, but whenever he uses try to vent to maybe a close friend? Someone you trust, or even on here to me.  I found out, if I vent it all out it creates more space in my heart and brain to think more clearer and let the emotions out.

I am all ears. x

[lillyanne456]

Thanks so much, you’re right. I know it isn’t his intentions either and he is trying so hard, some days harder than others. But I cannot help feel disrespected or cheated on in some way. We’ve spoke so much about it and he knows how hurt I get but yet there still is no quick fix. And all I want is for him to be ok and for this feeling to go away.

you’re so good to be able to remove yourself and distract yourself. I always have the best intentions but the anxiety I have is too much sometimes to ignore. Which is wasted energy because it doesn’t do anything other than make me suffer!
Are you in regular contact with him at the moment? I saw you wrote about speaking to him next week? How is that going for you?

x

[Fiona1999]

I also wanted him to be okay, that’s always been my priority, the first time he told me he cheated he also disappeared for a few days, no one knew where he was and even then, the relationship wasn’t my priority anymore all I wanted was for him to be okay and safe and (brutally honest) alive.

He texted me today about some money he owed me and when I asked him when he was available for next week he didn’t answered and that was like around 6pm, at 9pm he still didn’t answered so I tried to rang him just because of habits tbh and he also haven’t picked up the phone. He’s still sharing his location and I can see hes home so maybe he’s just ignoring me so I can have some focus on my school stuff. Not texting him all day long is quite hard on me since Im not really used to this. 🙁

Im scared that the only way this feeling we both are feeling will go away is to leave or at least wait until they are recovering from drug abuse. But my biggest fear is that he’s gonna give his best version to someone else 🙁 that’s really gonna wreck my soul. Because that means that he don’t think I deserve the best version of himself. Its night now so my thoughts and anxiety are very very pessimistic right now I apologise.

 

 

[lillyanne456]

I totally get it. My thoughts are really negative this time of night too. I really struggle to turn them off. I tend to listen to a podcast or something to take my mind away…

lack of contact is so hard isn’t it. All we want to do is message them or phone them. That’s why I haven’t suggested the no contact when he is out because I just don’t think I could do it or actually be feeling a lot worse than I do now.

I’m so sorry that you have been cheated on in all of this too. That cannot be easy. I hope that you are able to work through it and get the best outcome for both of you. It’s a hard thought to think of them with someone else and having what you so desperately wanted.
perhaps call him tomorrow?

My guy is out right now and probably won’t be in till tomorrow morning, I’m hoping I can go to sleep soon with a podcast or something you take my mind off it.

[Fiona1999]

hi there! hope you could fall asleep, may I asked how long you’ve been together with your man?

And about ringing him today… I don’t think he’s gonna pick up anyways I dont wanna have “the” talk to him while he’s high because he isn’t making sense at that moment. I will just wait for him to reach out to me I guess. He told me before, whenever he’s high he doesn’t give a fxck about anyone else, not even me. But whenever he’s sober again all he wants is me he said, so there’s this hope inside of me that he isn’t really going to break up with me. I am really so tired of these thoughts. All I can really do right now is distract myself.

[paw_x]

This is a lot to unpack but good luck to you. I doubt you’ll be saying the same things five years down the line, and I think it’s horrific you believe that this is your first healthy relationship – with a partner in active addiction, who isn’t trying to recover, who you say regularly doesn’t care about you and cheats on you. That’s really frightening.

I know that’s harsh, but speaking from experience, nothing but tough love has ever worked for me when dealing with a partner with addiction. You need boundaries or they continue to do what they want, that’s how addiction works. They won’t stop until they’ve no choice left. And by you being there as that constant support, you’ll drive yourself insane and sacrifice everything you are for them. There’s meetings and help available for him if he wanted to change for you, is he going to them? Is he putting anything into this fight, or is it just you? This isn’t a healthy relationship no matter how much you might tell yourself it is, I’m sorry x

[Fiona1999]

He’s is putting everything to fight. He told me he wanted to get better for the sake of us. But I told him that he should be doing all these stuff for himself.

He went to group sessions, N.A meetings and goes to therapy. But every now and then he relapsed and falls back, really deep deep in this dark hole. Like I mentioned, he wants to go to rehab and is doing everything now for it to go through, so I dont think he’s not not trying to recover like you’ve mentioned.

What do you think about what I’ve wanted to do, keep me and him on hold until he’s out of rehab, it also gives me time to heal myself a bit from everything that’s been happening.

No need to say sorry! I know you’ve got the best intentions

 

[paw_x]

I think you sound like a really kind and loving person and unfortunately it’s people like us who end up being taken advantage of.

I definitely think you should put yourself first. It took me time to realise that with addiction, we can’t solve their problems for them. We are completely powerless in that, it all has to come from them. I have tried standing by and supporting my partner at various points, it did nothing. His use increased and increased until it got to the point he couldn’t hide it anymore and even then, he didn’t try to change until he lost everything (both times that included me, his job, and his home). So I’m probably sounding really pessimistic but that’s just my experience, I wasted a long time being that support for him, when he only really started to change when I walked away.

You sound young with your whole life ahead of you so don’t sacrifice that for him. Put your life and your education first. I do agree you should try to put things on hold if he’s serious about recovery – you can focus on you and if he gets better, great. But just remember you can’t fix him, he has to do it for himself x

[Fiona1999]

Thank you so much for your kind words, it may sounds egoistic but yes I am indeed a very kind, loving person and I and many others can say that my heart is pure and from gold. Thats why I think that someone like him needs someone like me in his life, to show him that the world is not that bad and that life isnt against you like he thinks. But again, I have to admit that for the long term this is gonna ruin me and that my personality will definitely change into a bitter person, I cant do that to myself.

Are you still with your partner if I may ask?

Everyday is a rollercoaster to me, one day I think its the best to call this quit and move on, be happy, live life as a single fun girl who’s done it for years actually. The other days Im like no, we’ve been through too much to just throw this all away I wanna be with him.

My ex before him from 4 years ago treated me really badly, toxic and just almost evil. I stayed single for those years after him, then I met my current boyfriend (i dont even know if hes still my man tbh) and everything went so well and great until he started using more and more and on the daily. I just think that Im really hurt by the fact, I had bad experience with every possible boyfriend and when I though I had a great one it ended not the way I thought it would. Although I know that being single will not kill me.

[paw_x]

I am still with him sort of but at arms length while he goes through recovery. I see him a few times a week and we keep in touch but that’s all for now.

You can’t fix another person by just being a good person yourself, much as you might want to. I’ve been in relationships even before this one when I told myself I would help him and we’d make it work – it’s a recipe for disaster. I think it’s clear from how you’ve dealt with this that you’ve not had the best experiences before but this might be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. What I’ve dealt with over the last 6 months I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and I’m only still here as he had 3 whole years of sobriety and happiness with me before he messed it all up again, so I know he can do this. But he was an addict when we first met 6 years ago, and I left him within 8 months as I wasn’t sticking around while he messed up both our lives. He only got sober after I left – both times. I was sitting reading books on cocaine addiction and trying to help him, and he was out there absolutely full of it 24/7. You can only do so much.

It’s not even just the addiction but what comes with it. The lack of trust is one thing, but their erratic behaviour can mean you end up with enemies at your door. The financial abuse – there’s women on these forums who have an almost lost their homes because of this. Never feeling settled, never feeling like everything is okay as you’re waiting on the next bit of bad news. And if you read other ladies stories, I actually look like a lucky one as a lot of them have had so much verbal abuse, accusations and hell from their paranoid partner to top it off.

Being single will not kill you and you don’t deserve a life filled with heartache. Keep in touch with him by all means long as it doesn’t harm you, but put yourself first x

[Fiona1999]

Yes you are right, I should choose for myself and I think I will this time. I am actually so exhausted from the constant worrying and stressing. We haven’t really talked in a few days now and I must admit that I feel relieved and free.

Monday (hopefully, if he’s sober) we are gonna talk. I hurts me knowing that he really wanted us to work but simply cannot because of his addiction. The only thing that’s been keeping me a bit sane is that this all “should have happen” and who knows in the future whenever he’s recovering and I am also healed from past trauma’s we meet again, but for now I can only focus on moving forward.

I also don’t know if I should stay in contact with him? What do you think?

[paw_x]

It’s completely up to you. Sometimes keeping that contact will keep you stressed and drained even though you’ve took a step away, or sometimes you might want to just know he’s safe.

I know when I first left my partner years ago I cut all contact, for my own wellbeing as even a text message just upset me and it wasn’t doing me any good. He got sober on his own and eventually we kept in touch, when we were both a bit stronger mentally. But you’ll know what you can handle and what’s best for you.

Wishing both of you all the best x

[Fiona1999]

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to response to me, makes me feel less lonely. I have talked to friends about this but they will never fully understand and having this platform with people who are going through similar situations gives me a bit of peace.

He’s going into rehab in August and 2 weeks prior of that, he is going to work abroad to get away from every distraction, to earn money and pay off his debts.

I am really glad he’s taking it seriously this time and I have also told him that. I think its the right thing to be apart right now.

I am still meeting him Monday to talk and I will give him the option to see if he wants to put this on hold until he’s back from rehab and recovery house. In the meantime we have the space and time to breath and work on ourselves. May sounds silly but at the end of the day, it would kill me knowing we haven’t tried after he got help. If he’s open to that cool and if not that’s okay too. Will keep you updated after Monday.

Thanks again! x

[paw_x]

Hi Fiona,

That all sounds really promising. I hope that working away and then rehab works for him. CA meetings as well.

It’s completely up to you what you do but just put yourself first. That can be so hard when you’re trying to look after someone, but it’s necessary. Keep posting on here, it does help x

[Fiona1999]

Hi Paw,

A little update since him and I talked Saturday. We decided to still be together because the love between us is still very strong and we do not want to let each other go. He wants me to have all access to his bank account so he will not spend any more money on drugs.

Although we want to be with each other it still occurred to us that its a smart choice to have a break while he’s in rehab. I told him as long as i adore him to love and cherish me, id rather him loving and cherish himself more. The foundation of himself needs to be prioritised for now.

[paw_x]

Hi Fiona,

Good to hear you’re both still doing okay.

Recovery can be quite selfish as they do need to focus on themselves. I don’t really see my partner during the week as he’s at meetings or seeing his sponsor during evenings and I go to the gym. Recovery leaves very little time for much else if he’s throwing himself into it, but that’s a good thing as you can do your own thing and focus on you. For me, I had to step away as you have to choose what’s best for your own mental health, but I haven’t walked away. I’m just letting him get better for him and nothing else.

You’ll know if you need a break, just make sure you’re listening to yourself so that your feelings matter as well as his. I hope you keep us updated, rooting for you both xx

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