[lostgirl88]

Hi all, I need some insight into my situation because at the moment I’m lost. Doesn’t help that I have covid and am stuck in my house alone whilst going through a heartbreak so my brain is all over the place.

My boyfriend ended our relationship 4 days ago, he has a drug and alcohol problem (cocaine mostly) and he has said he needs to heal himself and he isn’t ready to be anything with anyone. He has assured me there is no other reason for ending it but I can’t understand why he has ended a relationship where he himself has spoken about us being forever, marriage and kids. We had even decided to get a place together when I have to move out of mine in 2 months time. We spent a lot of time together and yes I partook in the alcohol and cocaine taking but I can take it or leave it and there were times where I would tell him I didn’t want anymore, he would carry on til it was finished. Unfortunately it was me that funded most of it and now he owes me quite a lot of money as a result. I do feel like I slightly enabled him but I have told him that it needs to slow down when we live together and if we want to start a family.

Can someone please just help shed some light on why he would walk away from someone who wants him to get sober and is willing to help him anyway I can, someone he is meant to love and spend his life with?

[lindyloo]

Hi lostgirl, welcome to the forum.

Everyone on here has a loved one with an addiction and there’s also people in recovery giving advice and support.

Your bf hasn’t ended the relationship lightly. It’s good he needs to concentrate on himself at this stage to get well. My son also has alcohol and cocaine addictions. The alcohol triggers the need for cocaine and so he has to abstain completely.

He was told by his AA fellowship that he has to love himself first before he can love another.

My son also has no off switch with alcohol or drugs. He has an addictive personality I think.

We enabled my son originally, by paying his drug debts, but when he was serious about stopping, we bought his food, cigs etc.

My son is currently 70 days clean, I’m so proud of him, its been really hard for him to fight the demons in his head.

Read the other threads, adfam and Icarus trust have advice and support.

If your relationship is meant to be..im certain he will come back to you, you just need to be patient and he needs to know that despite his issues, you still care about him.

I hope this helps, im so glad he’s seeking support.

Always here to chat

Lx

[hilton]

Hi. In my experience….. they walk away from the relationship to go on huge binges. They are able to switch off regarding us whilst in that frame of mind because their pull to C is far bigger than their need for us. This has been my bf’s behaviour pattern. At the moment we are off. I never know whether this is it, or another binge.

It’s heartbreaking being with an addict. Mine has been an addict for 25yrs.

We all know that we should walk away but our need for them is greater than the need to love ourselves.

X

[lostgirl88]

I’m sorry to hear this. I know he isn’t on a binge, when he has at home (his mums) he doesn’t get on it as she doesn’t allow it and he is also waiting to hear back on a covid test. He binges when he is with me so he has no need to get away in order to do so.

He is being so cold towards me. Aside from a message on New Year’s Day asking how I was, the other messages have been very transactional about me dropping his work clothes off to him and the trainers I bought him for Xmas.

My mind is going off in so many directions, is it an excuse, is there someone else, does he really care about me or was it all fake

Argh!

[hilton]

Hi again. I’ve spent so many many days and nights wondering the same. We never know. You say he doesn’t binge at his mums. You never know. They hide it. If they are addicted, they are not able to turn that addiction on and off so easily.

I’m 52. Don’t get to my age, having wasted so much time on people that truly do not deserve your love and care. Addicts are extremely selfish. On 28th Dec, mine said he did not love me and told me to leave. On 31/12 he tells me he loves me like he tells me every day and was gutted we didn’t spend NYE together. On 1/1 he responded to my message to him with a cold response. I started chemo on 29/12. They are incapable of putting anyone before their addiction. Mine can be a knight in shining armour at times, but reality is that he is a selfish addict in tinfoil x

I honestly do hope your bf sorts himself out. Mine has been an addict for 25yrs, smoking weed daily and having C maybe 2/3 days a week, minimum xx

[lostgirl88]

Oh I am so sorry to hear about your chemo! Wishing you the very best for recovery and I hope it helps!

Thank you for your wise words, speaking to friends doesn’t help me as they say all the traditional things and I know that the situation is totally different due to addiction. You’re right he could go on a binge and just hide it, he has been doing it long enough. Seeing what you said about your partners’ contact with you recently I can now see that even they don’t know what they want.

I was going to move in with him but now that’s not happening and I will just get myself a place, this is probably a blessing in disguise.

Perhaps he is doing me a favour and removing himself from my life as he is no good. Unfortunately I have known him for a very long time and know what he can be without the drugs and it’s so hard to watch him to do this to himself. He is extremely damaged, and if I’m honest there is nothing I can do for him, or to bring him back.

He is 35 and does C 2/3 times a week minimum too. He doesn’t smoke weed as it doesn’t agree with him, but if he is on C he will take approx 4-6 heavy duty painkillers or antidepressants to get to sleep, he then lets that take hold of him for a day or 2 and just sleeps whilst not at work and then he is back on it.

My rational brain is screaming at me to see this for what it is, but my heart is missing him terribly and would do anything to have him walk in that door and tell me he made a mistake x

[lcstewart77]

I feel your pain and I sincerely hope for your situation. My bf decided after 16 months of sobriety knowing that if he started again, he had to leave my house. I had to kick him out this morning. I am devastated and heartbroken. I am scared for him cause I know he is going on a binge.

[hilton]

Hi. Hope you are okay. I was warned again and again by a friend who had also had a relationship a c addict that the drug will always come first. We just never believe it. We split two months ago. Ive cried every day. Last year he played push.n pull with me for two months too. Only last week i get the irrational texts off him, the accusations, the victimhood, telling me to delete him from my life, followed by texts of his love for me, how he cries over me, misses me, to then ignoring my responses. Always the same patterns. Knowing which days are his comedown days. Which days im likely to get a text.

I hope you stick to your boundary. It really can not get any worse than how you feel right now. The rejection and hurt is truly unbearable xxx

[hilton]

Hi. Thank you. My point is…. his jealousy and paranoia yet again meant that he hurt me without a care in the world, a day or two before I started chemo. That is how low they can be. Just pure selfishness, yet he is also the most loving man I ever knew. Pure Jekyll & Hyde character.

I have no clue if this is yet another cycle or if this is it, but I do know that I was correct in thinking he will never put me before C when it matters.

Big hugs and get out now if you can. I blame no one but me for sticking around too long xx

[lostgirl88]

So unfortunately I made the mistake of asking him to make time to speak to me when he picks up his stuff tomorrow, he sent a hostile response and said stop making this about us, it’s about me and that’s all there is to it.

Am I to take that as – he doesn’t care about us? Or us isn’t a problem and we are on pause?

Don’t think I can spend another day crying about this I’m exhausted and just want to run away

[hilton]

Hi. That was why I said they are selfish. They only see cocaine and their need and their wants. You can never second guess what they mean because of the mood swings/irritability/irrational behaviours. Sorry if I’m just describing mine here but they all seem to have the same actions. There is no consistency. Pure Jekyll & Hyde.

I’m sorry. I’m in the same position as you at the moment. Is this the final split. Is it his come down days. I never know x

[lostgirl88]

Now he has blocked me on all social media?! I haven’t bothered him hounded him been angry at him, nothing! I’ve respected his decision and played by his rules.

If I meant even a little bit to him he wouldn’t severe all ties with me would he?!

[hilton]

Hi. How are you doing? Big hugs

[lostgirl88]

Hi, I’m ok he messaged me on Friday saying he needs me so I went to him. Brought him back to mine and he left this morning. We spent some time and discussed things, he said he still loves me and he still wants to be with me but he can’t as he will destroy me and my life and he doesn’t want to do that to me. So we are just going to be friends but his issues are really deep seated and I feel so bad for him. I am absolutely gutted that we can’t be together and have that future as if it wasn’t for his problems he is so lovely, has so much to offer and would be the man of my dreams. I feel like drugs have robbed me and him of that and I’m devastated. But I feel secure in knowing that it’s nothing about me.

Drugs really are one of the worst things in this world!!!

How are you doing? Xx

[lostgirl88]

Hi, I’m ok he messaged me on Friday saying he needs me so I went to him. Brought him back to mine and he left this morning. We spent some time and discussed things, he said he still loves me and he still wants to be with me but he can’t as he will destroy me and my life and he doesn’t want to do that to me. So we are just going to be friends but his issues are really deep seated and I feel so bad for him. I am absolutely gutted that we can’t be together and have that future as if it wasn’t for his problems he is so lovely, has so much to offer and would be the man of my dreams. I feel like drugs have robbed me and him of that and I’m devastated. But I feel secure in knowing that it’s nothing about me.

Drugs really are one of the worst things in this world!!!

How are you doing? Xx

[smh1987]

Hi lostgirl88,

I have just been reading your post and it rings so true with what I’m going through, I just wanted to see how you are doing? My now ex partner left me 2 weeks ago on my birthday after letting me down with a lot of false promises, in the end I wasn’t even fussed about anything bar did he actually want to spend any time with me, he was a user 3+ times a week, hiding how bad it was, he didn’t come to see me instead he was out dealing it to try pay off the enormous amount of debt he has to what extent I don’t know, he never replied to my last text and that has been it no contact at all, has yours come back to you? This is the second time he has done this to me and I the same as you am lost, I feel like I have lost my best friend, we had an amazing relationship of mutual respect, trust and love for one another but then he just walked…no explanation, I would love it if we could talk soon if your still on here I really could do with someone to talk too xx

[lostgirl88]

Hey! Oh I’m so sorry hun, I’m here if you need to talk. Mine has but not as a boyfriend, he is currently living with me as he is homeless and still asks me for money. We had a discussion and he admitted to choosing drugs over me.

Babe I have to be honest, neither of us will ever be as important to them and that is no reflection on us, it their addiction which is a mental one not a physical one. (Depending on drug of choice)

Please please put some boundaries up, you have to protect yourself. One thing I found really helpful was watching videos on YouTube where recovering addicts explain what their addiction was like and the lengths they went to to get their fix. I don’t know if we can private message on here but please do if not comment here. Stay strong hun xxxxx

[smh1987]

Thanks so much for replying, it’s good to have someone to chat with that understands, my friends do the normal which I don’t blame them as I would do the same if the shoe was on the other foot but I love this guy, known him years and years, know what he is capable of but I just don’t understand how he could let this relationship go, yes I need to watch some videos but you know when you are scared to see the truth, how is it going living together but not together lovely? I hope you are okay as that must be so tough! I’m being strong currently haven’t reached out as I know it’s no good you are right they love that and the need for that more than anything else, honestly I’m so lost and scared for him, he has lost so many friends to this and the same could happen to him but doesn’t stop him xxx

[smh1987]

Hi Hilton,

I hope you are okay too! You sound like you are going through it too, please don’t cry, I have done the same. Do it then look in the mirror and say to yourself that you don’t deserve that treatment. I know how hard it is lovely that’s exactly right you feel totally rejected, mine doesn’t do the contact thing or change in mood he just vanishes, last time he was gone for 2 months with not one single message or phone call, I just find it hard to understand if it’s actually he doesn’t want me or is it the C taking over if you get me, I love this guy and all I want him to do is say to me “I need some help” and admit to me how bad it is as I now feel like he was with me as a meal ticket, I have a good job, lovely home and all the rest of it, I brought things for us as I knew he couldn’t and now he has thrown everything in my face and left! I feel like I meant nothing to him. But what I can say is each day gets a little easier and after a while you know you are better off that’s when you have to keep strong. xx

[lauraj]

Hi there,

Just browsing and saw your post. I am going through pretty much the exact same situation. I broke up with my partner last weekend as he lied to me about going home at a decent time (he told me he was at home and therefore not taking any cocaine and alcohol, as we were suppose to meet the following day – he’s my social lockdown bubble – whereas it was 3am and he had continued his night drinking etc elsewhere).

Because I called him out on his lies, he reacted angrily and ended things, saying he is fed up of my criticisms and needs time to work things out. I know he just lashed out and jumped the gun because he thought I was going to break up with him. At this point, I am done with it..it’s causing far too much stress and anxiety and I just can’t accept the drugs. I tried to end the relationship last week but he promised he would prove to me that he can have balance and call it a night earlier so that he is not hungover all weekend when he sees me.

I know how you are feeling and it is awful, but you are not alone. Use this time to focus on you and take back control of your life. You might end up realising that it’s just not worth waiting around for. As other people have mentioned, people with substance use issues are very selfish and will only do what they what, when they want to.

Stay strong and have a think about what you really want it life…this is what I am doing as I genuinely cannot put myself through the disappointment anymore and deserve more for my future, as do you xxx

[lauraj]

Oh and I am also blocked / removed from all social media! Probably a good thing really

[smh1987]

Hi LauraJ

I think a few of us on this particular post are going through this all together, the stories are all pretty much identical, if you knew what you know now a few years ago would you of felt differently? This is what goes round in my head constantly, we love these people and see the good in them as they are in there somewhere but I have read so many other posts where people say rock bottom before they will do anything, I really hope you reply as we can support each other in this! Wish there was a chat facility on here! Have you got support at home with friends and family? X

[lauraj]

Hi Smh1987,

Thank you for your reply!

If I’d of known what I know now, in the nicest way possible, I wouldn’t have stepped foot near this relationship. I love him dearly but he has caused me so much stress that I am now taking anxiety medication.

I live alone but I do have wonderful parents and friends who would be there in a heartbeat if I needed them. For now I am coping quite well as I have realised I need to get away from this situation before it destroys my chance of ever having a proper family and life.

I’ve also posted yesterday about my particular situation in more detail if it would be of interest to you (not sure how you search it but I titled it something like ‘Heartbroken and in need of advice’.

I hope you are doing okay and I would always be happy to chat. I’m pretty active on this forum so I will keep an eye out for any replies.

Take care,

Laura x

[lostgirl88]

Hi Ladies, well he has gone again. Hopefully to better things as he has moved in with his brother, who called him in tears because he is scared he will die. Even though I know this is what he needs to do as his brother has told him he must stay clean for at least a month, I still was very hurt as he asked me to run all of his stuff to him and not so much a thank you for putting him up myself at mine and taking care of him in every way I know how.

So now I’m left all alone, clearing up the mess and crying over my seriously bad financial situation right now. I have been referred to a psychiatrist too.

Unfortunately addiction is a selfish disease. I am not who I used to be, I look awful, have gained weight through stress eating and was using drugs myself way too much in order to just stay in harmony with him. I have completely fucked myself over only to be left out in the cold again.

I hope and pray that none of you end up at the place I’m in.

Hope you’re all ok. Xx

[smh1987]

Hey huni,

I’m so sorry to hear all this, you sound like you have been through hell and back, we all have!! You can build yourself back up, with good friends around you and external support, keep talking to people. He won’t say thank you lovely addiction takes empathy and recognition away it’s awful. You are free to get your life back on track, it won’t feel like it right now it really won’t but do everything for you nobody else ❤️ Keep talking to me as much as you like, Davetall is correct on the comment below it is easier for them to walk away as much as it hurts we cannot control that but we can control what we go through from here. Keep strong huni you got this! Xx

[davetall]

Hi Lost girl

i feel your pain as a family we have similar issues to you , my sibling has walked away from me and my other sibling , saying we are putting them under too much pressure , or we are suffocating them , basically its guilt , when they see how there addiction is affecting those around them its just easier to walk away . I hope he gets the help he needs but i suppose like us it has to be them that gets it

[smh1987]

Hey Davetall,

I couldn’t agree with you more, I have gone through this with a partner twice now, he leaves because it seems easier than to fight for the relationship, addiction is cruel and so sad it tears people apart, we always say the good in people because we are good people, hense why we are all in the same situation. Always good to talk to people in the same situation. I hope you are okay and if you need to talk we’re all here mate. X

[Author]

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