[hannah2436]

Well I know it sounds bad but please don’t judge me I have only loved or been with one person and it is hard to imagine a life without him. I will start from the beginning he started out as a boyfriend in high-school he lived in a basement with 3 other men over a hour away from me my father would send me there every weekend and I grew a bond without meaning to I was dependent on this “love” but he was always very angry fist fights with the other men there, yelling blaming silly things on me like his x box breaking or why I didn’t stop him from getting in fights with others. Eventually I discovered there was a perc addiction and he used it almost all the time. fast forward a bit he eventually moved into my father’s home I became pregnant at 19 in 2015. He actually started abusing me and would hurt me a lot for silly things my child was born and I moved into a home together he tried suboxone to quit and got hooked to those I visited the hospital a few times and people were worried for me, but I was not. one day he got drunk (also addicted to drinking) which made it easier to lose control for him and he broke my nose. I know it sounds terrible and that I should have left for good, but I felt dependent on the love I did receive from him and the feeling that I could never meet someone else or be with anyone else lurked so he went to rehab and was put on probation and almost a month after the incident I wanted him back. No clue why I feel like I can’t let go he always says he is trying to quit and I really believed him this time. Nope he just got better at lying I found a old phone of his and I looked into cash app and it turns out he was stealing money from my account and spending hundred a week on crack the newest substance abuse. I found messages to dealers and all sorts of stuff and it hurts I told him today I was proud of him for being clean to see what he would say and he took it all in thanking me and enjoying my praising to him when I told him the truth and that I knew, stating that “we needed to talk” he yelled at me and hung up. It hurts to feel this hole although I care about him like family I carry all the weight the bills the baby the daycare everything. I even keep a separate account for him to fix his car that I originally fixed for a few grand but he destroyed the car on a drunk night. He is better than he was and not doing it as much his expense is 200 a week compared to 400 to 600 a week he was spending initially but when given the ultimatum between family and drugs he says he loves us and doesn’t want to leave us and tells me he is going to quit but then lies to me and is mean when I find out the truth and want to talk about it. I care about him but loving him has made me anxiety prone stressed depressed and have panic attacks sometimes the weight is so heavy sometimes it feels awful. I don’t know what to do.

Forgot to add he stopped hurting me after the nose incident in 2018.

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