[cat93]

Hi everyone. Really contemplated putting up a post here but I think I just need to vent. Sorry its a long one so don’t blame you if you give up halfway…!

I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, absolutely love him to bits. When we first got together I knew he used drugs (cannabis daily, occasional cocaine use, alcohol) but it was relatively under control. He has underlying mental health issues which I have always tried to be understanding of and work with. About 6 months in to our relationship he suffered loss in his family which hit him really hard. He was also at the end of his uni course and had no idea what his next step was. 8 months in, he nearly died from an overdose from various substances, including diazepam, prescription meds and alcohol. After this he got some support and started to sort himself out. But that didn’t last long. After about a year and a half of being together we took a short break from our relationship as he relapsed and his drug use was taking a toll on both of us. I found out that during this break he had been using opiates and he was put on ORT shortly after.

Fast forward to now (just over 2.5 years later) and he has finally finished his ORT after tapering down slowly over the past 4-6 months. He’s also got a good therapist who understands substance misuse as well as the underlying mental health issues that he has. I have supported him through a lot of bad stuff throughout this time because I love him and really want to see him succeed and our relationship to flourish. I have supported him endlessly, put my life and needs on hold and, I guess as a self preservation measure, reduced my expectations of him as a partner to basically zero (stupid move, I know). I did all this with a blind hope that things would improve. I also believed wholeheartedly that he was ready for a fresh start.

But we’re now two weeks off ORT and he’s gone back to using opiates (smoking heroin primarily). The first time was Monday past, which he tried to hide from me/lie to me about but I caught him out and confronted him about it. He has used over this weekend too which he has been honest with me about this time but I have again made it known that I am not happy with his choice to use. He has made his therapist aware, and has spoken to her at length about it which is something I guess. I understand he has a lot of stuff going on just now with his family which I am also trying to support him with and due to childhood trauma using drugs is the only way he really learned how to cope with stress and difficult situations. He’s used all the expected excuses – ‘it’s only a tiny amount I’m using’, ‘I’m not going to get addicted’, ‘this is the last time until at least next weekend’, ‘I’ve got a lot going on’ – which I have very clearly contested every time he’s said them.

After all this time and effort I’ve put in to supporting him I’ve run myself in to the ground. I hold down a full time job, I keep the house, and I look after him. I’m depressed and tired and I feel like I don’t have any energy left to give to him, or even myself at times. I deserve to be a priority in his life and to be respected. I deserve to have my needs met and to get something back from him. I know he can do it as he’s done it before. But I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m so scared that this is going to be an endless cycle. I don’t want to leave him but I know that I can’t continue to go round and round forever. And I don’t deserve to. I’ve considered giving him an ultimatum of sorts to set out my expectations and explain that if he doesn’t make a real effort to change then I can’t continue in this relationship. But I think I’m just really afraid of walking away.

If you’ve managed to get this far, I just wanted to say thank you so much for reading. If you’ve been in a similar situation, I’d really like to know how you made it work or didn’t. Thank you all.

C x

[tokiwartooth]

I feel like it’s best for you to leave him. Even if you want to mend the relationship later. This has been a crazy difficult struggle for you and you don’t sound happy. He’s leaning on you, you said you’re working and taking care of him. That just allows him to continue this behavior. Stepping away, even if short term, may be the best thing for both of you. You should know I’m not an expert and actually just joined this site seeking help myself. But that’s my opinion. Best of luck, you’re in a difficult situation.

[fayzey]

Hi Cat93, so sorry to hear that, what a shame he started using as soon as he came off the meds – my partner has been tapering down for about 2 years now, he’s still on a low dose but has recently relapsed with coke/maybe crack but no opiates I don’t think as he’s still taking his bupronorphine – i feel exactly like you, it’s been a long draining journey and if it wasn’t for the fact we have kids I wouldn’t still be with him – I don’t know what to do either so maybe not the best person for advice lol but I totally get how you’re feeling – he’s got his routine drug test for his prescriber tomorrow so he’s been detoxing since Wednesday sleeping and being grumpy/rude – hoping he doesn’t get straight back on it after his appointment but if he does I think that’s it I can’t cope anymore…. Maybe they could put your partner back on it…..did he come off too quick? I find the constant lying the worst thing xx

[jamesb]

Hi Cat, I hope you’re okay.

Your partner is very lucky to have had you stand by him through everything and it really says alot about how loving and selfless of a person you are.

I normally post here giving advice and help people understand their partners addiction and in some ways it may seem I’m sticking up for them but I normally try to just make people understand that addicts aren’t always bad people and that it is an illness that no one sets out to fall victim to.

In your case however, you have been with him for so long and been through the process many times already so I’m sure you know all of that.

Deep down your boyfriend doesn’t want to hurt you. He’s probably hates the way his addiction effects your life and your own well being but like all addicted people, he will have this thing inside him that he battles that occasionally he falls victims to and relapses. If he wasn’t ashamed he wouldn’t make the excuse like it was only a little etc.

I too slipped into addiction from occasional use when I lost my parents both within a year of eachother and like you said about your partner, Cocaine was how I dealt with it. Well more so didn’t deal with it. I used it to make me numb.

At first yes that was true, I was using cocaine as a coping mechanism but soon the reality was I was losing my loss as an excuse to justify the fact I was addicted and just wanted to keep doing coke.

No amount of drugs will bring back anyone and all it does no matter what the drug is, is delay the greiving process and cause a whole world of pain for both yourself and everyone around you along the way.

My partner eventually left me. And if I’m honest she didn’t leave “me” she left the person who I’d become. She left a guy who she couldn’t count on anymore a guy who kept promising no more but always did again. A guy who made excuses, lied and was trying to blame everyone one and everything else for his failings.

Im now not that guy any more, I’m clean and honest and that’s why I come on here so much because what I know about what addiction does to a person and their family.

My advice to you as hard as it is, is to move on with your life and focus on yourself. You don’t deserve to be living an unhappy life because of someone else’s problems. You have done more than most and I applaud you for it but at some point you have to say enough is enough and focus your energy back into living a life that is fulfilling and make you happy.

Im not saying cut him off completely if you don’t want to but you must set clear boundaries and try to stick to them.

Deep down he will still be a good loving guy and I feel after years of you supporting him, he has to now prove to you he is worth all that love and support and earn the right to have you in his life by really taking control of his addiction.

I once had to ask myself, “if she (my partner) was a friend of mine and her boyfriend was treating her the way I am, what you’d I say to her? I’d tell her to run a mile!)

I used to blame her for everything and make it her fault saying she didn’t love me and that she never believed me but in fact I couldn’t tell you any reason why I really deserved her to give me the time of day.

I’ve had to earn that right back and I’m still doing it now.

You’re a great person and you deserve to be happy. Don’t feel guilt for putting yourself first.

If he deserves your love he will prove to you that he does and I really hope he can do that because I know deep down that’s all you want.

Hope that made some kind of sense.

I’m always here if you want to talk.

Take care.

James x

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