[unkown1997]

Hi,

It’s currently 5am and I can’t sleep over thinking everything. So my boyfriend takes drugs specifically coke. It’s more of a every so often thing. But I hate it when he does it, he changes. He’s not aggressive or anything just not himself. Best way to explain it is he becomes more detached. And I am so in love with him, but everytime he does it kills me. When I found out I confronted him about it. He told me the truth. However, when I found out the last time I basically cried my heart out. I told him that it destroys me when he does it. I have never cried so much in my life the pain I felt in that moment. I’ve never felt anything like it. I can’t take the pain of him doing it that I’m the moment I just told him to kill me. As the pain of him doing something like that is too much to bear. And I have a history with seeing alcohol addiction. And I’m so scared to lose him that he’ll end up dead because of a bad bath or because he took too much. I’m so lost pls help

[hox-26]

Hi there.

There are loads of us on here that are in the same situation or have been like myself. It doesn’t matter how much you love them when coke is involved. It is destroying you at the moment but it will destroy your relationship eventually. Every so often was my ‘husband’ until it went to every weekend, then every night. If he values you and your relationship he must try to stop, seek help. If not you will lose him to the coke and he will have no emotions whatsoever. My ‘husband’ chose the coke and its been a difficult, painful journey.

Remember he can only help himself. Mean while you need to look after yourself. Hard I know, I’ve been there. Crying, worrying, talking, arguing but it has done me no good. it made me ill and it will you. Concentrate on yourself until he comes to his senses.

[zen]

Hey. I’ve just had to end my 2 year relationship because of his cocaine abuse and all that came with it mainly psychosis/selfishness/abuse/accusations. People told me I shouldnt be in his addictive cycle many times but I had to do it in my own time. I pushed everyone away who didn’t like my choice to stay with him. I went from a very social strong woman to the exact opposite due to the manipulation now I look at my relationship and realise it was the ‘narcissist and the empath’. What I will say is don’t be naive and gullible, trust your gut instinct always – I went against it all thinking love would prevail but it didnt in my case and I realise I’ve had a lucky escape. Just be careful and gentle with yourself.

[zen]

Sorry to add I felt that pain you feel the more he hurt me the more I needed him. But the pressure of it all mentally grinds you down I can honestly say I’m 3 weeks away from him and I feel so free. We are not here to take on somebody’s burdens if they arent willing to try and help themselves. Be strong and always have someone you can talk to YOU WILL BE FINE XXX

[hox-26]

I felt that pain too like you say the more he hurt me the more I needed him, because usually I could rely on him he was my other half, my protector. He changed as a person and in turn he changed me. I too was a very strong woman and reduced to an absolute wreck. It has taken a long time to realise and get to this point in life. As Zen says, you will be fine. I am proof of that.

[zen]

Totally. I went back to him many times and tried to help him pickin him up when he was on his despair pity pot (clearly a comedown) I would drive miles ad comfort him he would promise he wanted to do it he wanted the ‘normal’ life with me 2 weeks later back to square 1. I thought I could live that life of knowing it was always a possibility because I had faith in him buts that’s cos I’m an empath, I was wrong. It’s lush waking up on a morning with no pressure and feeling free. Yes I have pangs of hurt but atm that’s because he is messaging me and trying to hurt me telling me is meeting another girl – crack on mate good luck to her. It’s uncanny how you can switch off when you need to.

[hox-26]

I’m an empath too. You have to switch off for your own sanity and self respect. I love my husband, but he is no longer that person. I have had to divide the two. The husband that I knew and loved is no longer here, he is dead. The one that emerged after the coke is a manipulative, lying monster. I now have gotten my self respect back. It’s not nice being looked upon as pathetic.

[kittenmitten]

I’ve been in this situation for too long too. It is so painful. Seeing the person you love slip away and it seems the more you try to help the more they seem to hate you. I think sometimes my husband hates me because he is ashamed and because he knows he will never have the old us back. I am trying to break free but I keep being pulled back in because I think if only he did get clean we could have our life back, my son could have a dad. But unfortunately I dont think it’s really going to happen.

[hox-26]

My ‘husband’ has been in prison for thirteen months and hopefully drug free. But I do know you can get anything in there for the right money. He has not returned to the person he was before. He still calls me when he wants something and tries to manipulate me into doing things for him even though he’s inside. I used to have the hope that the voice would be my loving husband on the phone, but it never is. He usually drops a clanger by calling me darling, what he always used to call me. Its just a slip of the tongue.

[zen]

The hardest thing to deal with is knowing you’ve been manipulated and allowed it, I am so annoyed at myself for that but I won’t let it bring me down I’ll learn from it. He is still trying now asking me to do things for him as he still thinks I will fold and get back with him…not this time!

[hox-26]

The hardest thing for me was losing my self respect. The manipulation he knows full well he cannot get away with. A previous relationship nearly destroyed me with narcissistic behaviour but that was a long, long time ago. I have a radar for it, I can detect it before it comes out of his mouth. We learn from everything that life throws at us and we do become stronger.

[kittenmitten]

Yes losing self respect and feeling like you cannot talk to others about the details as it is too shameful. I feel like I let my husband get away with things just to cope with the reality of living with an addict and trying to protect our son. My family know the husband who used to be great and cant understand why I cant just give him an ultimatum to stop. They make me feel like I could do more but I realise as time goes on that I will never have any control over his drug taking. The more I try the worse we get.

[zen]

Yes you will only take so much especially when you have your son to think about. We didn’t have kids together but we have children from previous relationships and I convinced myself that I didn’t let his problems effect my behaviour towards my kids but it did because I became so miserable and agitated and I can see this now. The only way is up. You won’t stay in this cycle forever love doesnt conquer all but we do it in our own time. X

[kittenmitten]

As my son has got older I know it effects him more. He notices the same cycle that I have seen for so long. We all get agitated when my husband is sleeping all day. We all know what’s coming and how it will make us feel. I try to hold on to truths. To not let the things my husband says to me get to me. But not having friends to see and to see some normality during lockdown has been really hard. It does feel like why me and it’s hard not to spiral into feeling hopeless at times

[zen]

That’s the thing we cling to what nor malory we find when we are in that situation. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do because I know it’s a horrible way to live. You need to remember who you are x

[Author]

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