[jadeem]

I feel silly as I write this as I cannot confide in any of my family or friends as I’m too embarrassed to tell them that it’s all happening again.

It all started about two years ago when my boyfriend decided that it would be a good idea to earn some money by driving the local drug dealer around. Obviously I was not happy about this and tried to stop him but I wasn’t listening to.

So for basically a whole year I was left at home on my own most evenings until 1 o’clock in the morning while he was out with this person.

My boyfriend prior to this did use cocaine but really and it was never a problem. But since driving around with this person it became worse he’s come home in such a state and it was obvious that he had been taking it and also drinking. Not only was I annoyed that he was doing this most nights but the fact of him driving around under the influence putting other people‘s lives at risk doesn’t sit right with me.

I would lay in bed sometimes waiting for him to come home to see what state he was in I’d call his phone he wouldn’t answer. Some nights I would fall asleep and I do wake up at say 3 o’clock in the morning and he wouldn’t be there and I to call the phone and he wouldn’t answer. So then I would go out in my car at that time in the morning and try and find him which when I think about it in a normal rational mood it’s just so sad.

Not only did this all happen but my grandad was seriously ill and passed away and he was not there for me and I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly because I didn’t have the emotional support that I needed.

Things started to look better when we move to a new house the previous house was very small there was no space so I thought with the new house it was bigger would have separate areas so I could watch television and he could play PlayStation and we kind of have our own space.

It did get better when we moved to this house but it still happens now and then so will have a few weeks good and then I’ll noticed that he is distant again and I will look for things to find him out so I will look at his phone bill to see who he’s been calling and I will look at his Facebook and I will purposely try and catch him out. And he makes me feel like I’m sort of psycho path for doing this but I just feel like I need to know I need to know what’s going on and the only way for me to do that is for me to do these things because he doesn’t tell me the truth.

The icing on the cake was a couple of weeks ago I went to bed with him and I woke up at 4 o’clock in the morning and it wasn’t there. So I called his phone and there was no answer and he was active on Facebook like 15 minutes ago so I knew that he’d gone out with who knows drug dealers. So me at that time in the morning in the snow was driving around my area looking for his car just in the hope that I would find images catch him out. But sadly this was worse I saw his car outside the house so I went up to the front door and I could see Through the glass and he was in fact in a girls house sniffing cocaine off a off her coffee table.

Since then I’ve just been so on edge with everything I cannot sleep because I have a fear that will wake up and he won’t be there I have a fear that he goes to work and he won’t come home. And I’m just constantly looking for stuff because I feel like it’s still going on behind my back.

He is on antidepressants and keeps telling me that he’s going to get counselling but he’s not. I just feel out I don’t know what to do anymore and I am usually you know really strong person but not now I can’t be I’m broken and I’ve got no one to talk to. He knows that I can’t confide in my family and friends because they found out last time and they wouldn’t tolerate it again.

And as I sit here writing this I’m thinking why am I tolerating it again why am I still here. But the fact of the matter is if he were to move out I wouldn’t be able to live here and I wouldn’t have anywhere to go and I just don’t know what to do.

Can anyone shed any light as to whether they’ve had the similar experiences and am I going insane or I don’t know

Thank you for reading sorry for any spelling mistakes x

[jadeem]

Also forgot to add that not every time this happens he tells the truth we usually spend days arguing about the fact that I think he sniffed cocaine and then find out three days later that he actually had he just didn’t wanna tell the truth. Also last year he ran up a £2000 debt with a local drug dealer for cocaine which I helped him pay.

[davidk]

Hi Jadeem,

I just read your story, sounds like a sad situation to be in,

clearly its not a good thing for you to be going through, and a shame you cannot talk to family or friends about it,

how long have you two been together and do you have any kids?

I totally relate to a lot of what you are saying, like the way it turns us into a detective because its so frustrating knowing they are lying to our faces, but even when you catch them red handed that doesn’t actually change anything sadly.

[jadeem]

Thank you David.

I have been with him for 5 years now. First 3 years were great. No kids.

That’s hit the nail on the head I do feel like a detective and 99% of the time i do find something out.

[davidk]

probably a good thing no kids involved at least,

there is always that good patch that keeps us wanting them, its this desire we have for things to return to the way they were.

and perhaps that can happen sometimes, but sadly most stories on here don’t have the fairytail ending we wish for.

and of course 99% of the time you find something out, after all we aren’t just being paranoid, they really are guilty, but they become such good liars we have to search for evidence to convince ourselves, the lies keep implanting that doubt in us so it constantly needs new evidence and proof etc.

its a shame as all the times I catch her out, I don’t take any pleasure in it, in fact quite the opposite, I wish I was proved wrong.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Jadeem,

I’m so sorry to read your post about how your boyfriend’s drug use is badly affecting you. It must be hard if you are not able to talk to your family and friends about it so I’m glad that you have found this forum.

If you would like some more support you might like to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to the families around those with addictions as we know how hard this is to live with. if you contact us you would be put in touch with one of our Family Friends who are trained ,experienced and very good listeners. Talking with one of them might help you to find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org

I hope this helps. Good luck.

[drained-and-tired]

Hiya jadeem,

I have just read your story and it is like re writing my own current situation/life.

My partner of 7 years has got so out of control, even running about for drug dealers so he can pay back what he owes, he never pays back as he’s always getting more, so the debt just builds up. I spend nearly every night on my own its just me and my son. I am awake every hour worrying where he might be, he doesn’t answer hes phone or any texts. I’m constantly in tears, but am in same situation as you as cant talk to family friends as they just wouldn’t accept it again. I’m here to talk x

[jadeem]

So sorry your in the same situation as me.

My partner has stopped running around with the drug dealers but this does still happen from time to time. And sometimes I lay awake until 4am and he won’t answer his phone. Have you tried to suggest to your partner to get help? Mine is on antidepressants now and is on the list of Counciling but i struggle to see it will change. X

[smh1987]

Hi Jadeem,

I’m reading your story and so much of it rings true, my now ex left a few weeks back now, he had got himself in such a mess that he now is dealing it but this makes the situation so much worse as they don’t get out of debt, I’m happy that yours is not doing this anymore and is seeking counselling, that’s a good step. I’m completely lost as I want to help him but I know I can’t he has to do it he just casts me aside, he has left twice before and stupidly I take him back because he convinces me I’m the best thing to happen to him but then does like what you say in your post doesn’t speak to me for a couple of days then when he is back like nothing has happened! I thought he was recreational but since the last time I spoke to him 3 weeks ago when he was out dealing it found out he is close to 20k debt! I’m in bits. I hope you are okay as this has such an effect on all the people around them, I cannot talk to family about this and my friends won’t entertain the conversation ever xx

[jadeem]

.

[smarker]

Hey,

I completely understand how you are feeling it’s horrendous and does make you feel insane at times, trying to find anything to prove that they’ve taken it. I lost myself by becoming so obsessed with trying to control everything and stop him doing it. I eventually just gave up and left him and the country! Concentrated on myself and he has actually stopped now. Read my posts and you’ll see my story. However the paranoia and lack of trust stays for such a long time. I’m still working on it. If I didn’t see this difference in him and how hard he’s worked/changed his life I’d of never gone back. Stay strong and remember what you deserve. Xxx

[jadeem]

Thank you for replying, is also feel I’ve lost myself- I try to control every single situation but reading other people’s story’s and actually talking is helping me. So your partner has changed? Did he do this himself or with help. My partner has just started CA meetings and seams to feel very positive about them. He’s currently 1 month clean

Xx

[notmyrealname]

I wanted to say thank you for being brave to write this all down as I had a google of my situation and your post came up. All of this has made me feel very lonely and this is the first time I have read of other people going through exactly the same as me, now it doesn’t feel so lonely.

[jadeem]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling the same. I was in a very very sad place and I came across this forum and related so much to other people’s situations. I decided to post as I felt I was loosing my mind slightly but it’s just the effects of being with an addict. Maybe you can share you’re experiences one day. Is your partner getting help or accepting it’s an issue at all? Stay strong x

[notmyrealname]

Well it’s been going on for some time but in the beginning it appeared to be an occasional thing he was doing on some nights out so I hadn’t realised, I had been very naive. It’s really hard to find a balance between helping and then as you said feeling like your trying to control them or feeling like your going crazy yourself. I knew he had got bad as he’s owed quite a bit of money to someone. Then I found out about the driving around for them, I felt sick I couldn’t believe it, but I’m even more shocked when yours and other posts came up saying yours has been driving them round aswell as I really thought i was the only one. I have even got back from work and found this man in my back garden with him having chat and smoking cigarettes like mates, this is where the lines seemed so blurred to me and obviously to him as he actually considered him a friend by then. He has loads of friends but of course this man is always available for a chat and a little ‘pick me up’, so sad. I can’t be there all the time and even if I was he would sneak off to do it instead. It’s not even an occasional thing now I think he’s been taking it most days. He said he’s sorry and doesn’t want to do it anymore but I think he’s just saying what he knows I want to hear as every time he leaves the house or I do, I know that what he’s going to do.

[jadeem]

Your situation is exactly the same as mine it’s scary! I used to find the person he was driving around in my house sometimes after work it was awful. This has been going on for 2 years now and probally about £5000 later he has agreed he has a problem and is now on anti depressants and getting help from CA meetings. All I can say is you are not at all crazy, the things they do make us become almost detective and trying to control everything because we’re so worried about them doing it time and time again. Talk to frank are really helpful and can give advice on places near you that can offer Counciling. I hope you feel slightly better that your not alone and I know how you feel!

[notmyrealname]

I really do feel better to be able to see that I’m not mad for having put up with this stuff. The thing is it doesn’t start out this bad and and as it gradually gets worse you’re in this situation that is just too embarrassing to start telling anyone about as it’s gone so far. I’ve even heard him telling this man our business, so if we’ve had a minor disagreement he will be telling him and you know he will meet him for a chat to cheer him up and bring him some of that. Its horrible they really prey on people.

Yes he talks like I’m going mad sometimes because he’s been caught. He’s already owed thousands a few times. The frustrating thing is there’s no limit as even if they run a big bill with one person they will always find someone else to get it off. Then by pay day they have all these different ‘bills’ they owe out.

[smh1987]

Hi Notmyrealname,

I have seen some of your comments and feel like we have the same life 🙁 how are you doing? Jadeem how are you doing too? I’m 6 weeks in now and still haven’t spoken to mine but the same as you this “new friend” he has is popping up everywhere and he is driving him round as he has lost his license! He will be adding more and more debt! I just worry I will get “that” phone call one day, I have nightmares about it most nights! How are yours doing? Any light at the end of the tunnel? And how have you both been coping and what have you been doing to keep yourselves focused and busy? Hope to talk soon could really do with a chat xx

[notmyrealname]

Well I am feeling better from reading some of the posts on here. I really thought my situation was unusual but there are other people going through each of the things I have experienced with this.

When he gets asked to drive this person round it’s like he thinks he’s a vip or something, hes the favourite being asked to chauffeur him around, I just find it cringey as this person lives around this area I feel so embarrassed and angry like he thinks he owns my husband he can just get him to do what he likes whenever he asks. If he doesn’t get involved with the driving or asking to buy anything then he will get messages asking how he is like how a friend would check up on you. The problem is as much as this man annoys me he isn’t the only one, my husband has several people he can buy it off however he seems the most pushy like a sales man. It’s quite widely available in my area but I know even if it wasn’t my husband would travel to get it when he’s at his worst. The problem is when he’s at his best and trying to stop or cut down it makes it harder for him to resist it when it’s right there. We have actually had some better days – which is good for us as I think he had been doing it most days maybe every day. I have told him this isn’t acceptable. I’ve been reading up on this more and learning how It’s like an illness or disease that can’t be cured and am trying to come to terms with the fact this will always be something he has to resist rather than the problem going away. There have been times in the past i thought it had gone away and so hadn’t kept track of him but I now know that if I want to help then I can’t just think everything’s ok if he seems alright.

[notmyrealname]

Sorry to hear you are going through some of the same.

I have just been keeping busy with work. It is hard to keep focused when you feel like someone else just makes things more difficult no matter how hard you try to get things right. There are a lot of people on here who understand the struggle though and some really good advice. The people on here who are in recovery themselves seem to have some really helpful advice on here as they can see the real situation that we don’t always see.

[smh1987]

Yeah it’s good to have people all going through the same! I hope you are okay, anything else happened with your situation? Crazy these lovely people that once were feel like strangers, that is what I’m struggling with! I will never understand the pull that it has to chose it over someone that loves, supports and protects

[notmyrealname]

Yes it is hard to understand why they do it but we have to find a balance between supporting and enabling them. The recovering people on here talk about how it can only change if the addict wants it to. For me my husband is saying he wants to change so we are working on that at the moment. How about you?

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