[jayh102]

I’ve been with my, now fiance 5years. We have alot together so I cannot take the thought of leaving lightly at all.

I have to explain first that before I got with my partner. I was shortly out of a previous relationship who was addicted to cocaine. I was young when we met and I had 3children with him so it took me a long time to leave. After 8years alot of lines were crossed, I couldn’t do it anymore I had lost myself completely. I’d also told myself I’d never go through anything like that again! What a joke!

After a while of getting to know my current partner and already falling in love we had the chat about prev relationships, we was both honest, mine broke down because of my exes problem and he was reluctant to tell me his broke down because of the same problem he had…. it was too late I couldn’t turn away from it then, but this always plays on my mind because it makes me feel like I’m just as guilty in this relationship, and stringing along all the kids into something that was potentially never going to work out.

I apologise as this will be a long one but I would apriciate any advise.

I’ve always had anxiety because of the drugs and everytime he did it, but as it was a new relationship i didnt want to bring forward my previous problems with it. He never was as bad as my ex, it was always now and then and he was always honest about it so I kept the hurt in and got on with it.

I cannot remember the point as to when I had the convo with him to say I cannot be put through it all again but we have had it many times now. I felt that as he knows my past he might of been more viaglent with avoiding doing it but seems not. I understand it is an addiction but I think I may have been too understanding? That makes him think everything will be okay. Many times he has said he would get help but hasn’t.

Recently I was ready to leave, he talked me over with getting help again, this was a few weeks ago and in the meantime has slipped up a few times, I put my foot down in saying I was done this time. he had only put one thing in place I asked for (referals to counciling etc) the other things still yet to be done. but last night he had done it again. The honesty is going as he tries to lie about it now, usually he admits it a while later, but the damage is already done. Which really don’t help the situation (I always know when he is on coke so no point in lying, I also feel he only admits it later as he knows I do know). This also makes me feel bad for doubting him or like im going crazy or something. My mental health is non existent but I have to keep going.

His appointment is tomorrow!

I dont know what to do! Things are in place for him to get help but he has already slipped up again, everytime I feel things are improving it goes right back to crap again.

Do I say I’m done or do I stay and let him get the help?

After reading through other posts I have found some things to help for me to stay (setting boundaries etc) which I must say I had tried in the past that haven’t worked.

Also leaving is so complicated, we have recently started a mortgage together on a house, he is currently the only one working, I have my 3kids living with us full time and his 2 children living here regularly with us. There is alot of us involved in this and I dont want to make the wrong decision. I have already looked into housing and I wouldnt be able to get any help with that I dont know how anything would work. I can honestly say I am scared to start my life over again for the second time but its not the reason I’ve stayed this long I am very much still in love with my partner and I want things to change before I start to hate him.

[lookingforhope]

I wish I had some advice to offer, I’m in a similar position to you and struggling.

It sounds positive that he is taking steps to get help. My partner attends CA meetings which he finds helpful. There are a few posts on here from people in recovery with links to YouTube videos and books that might help too. Ultimately your loved one needs to want to get help for himself.

It really is an awful situation to be in and I feel your pain.

[mb9345]

I am struggling with the same thing partner of 3 years has a bad cocaine addiction im trying my best im hurting so much and I have tried and tried to help but whens the right time to walk away ..

So sorry your going threw this

[jayh102]

Thankyou both for your replies im so sorry you are going through this too, the pain is unreal and knowing what to do for the best is impossible!

I will definitely read through some more posts and find the videos etc to pass onto him to help.

I cant stand these moments we are not talking, I have nothing nice to say but we have all the children here with a weekend fully planned for them. Holding it all together as I’m way too good at now lol !

Always here if youd like to reach out.

It has helped just to get it all out, its not something I would talk to family about and my friends know but I won’t open up everytime. It has caused rifts between my friends and him because they don’t want me in this situation. Feels very lonely.

[jayh102]

I have said many times to him is it what he wants otherwise we are wasting our time and he always says he wants to stop.

I think maybe we need to decide our own limitations as to whens best to leave. Although writing this I already know I have backed out from going through with it, its so hard.

[mb9345]

I also hear the same words and it is so difficult when you have to stay strong for your family..

We also have his daughter and he text me out of all things telling me he’s messed up again .. I have to hold my calm because of them

Limitations are definitely something I’m going to look at too however with the pressure and lies etc i doubt how successful it will be with my lack.of trust in him

[jayh102]

I agree the trust is a big part for the relationship to work, its not nice for us to constantly be worrying or paranoid sometimes it is just best to walk away so we don’t become a mess.

I hope things improve for you. X

[snowful2021]

Gosh I could’ve written this post about my own life. I don’t know whether to go or stay. Wish leaving, or having separate space was easier. I don’t know what I’m staying for. What did you decide to do?

[Author]

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