[mariaf]

So my boyfriend of many years is in the grips of a cocaine addiction and drinking at any opportunity he gets. Over a year ago this was something I had no clue was happening. Since then it’s been an uphill battle advising him to seek help which he did try but didn’t stick with. His circle of friends are all using aswell and the person I fell in love with many years ago has now turned into a selfish individual who lies and covers up all his actions. He is also trying to pay back massive debts which he opened up to me about unwilling. I have had numerous conversations with him about cutting his ties with his ‘so called’ friends and he has promised he will stop/seek help but has not followed through. He’s constantly saying one thing and doing another. He also is constantly drink driving another issue which I have spoke to him about thoroughly even aside from his drug use. He has everything going for him at the moment a very good job, our rented house and my support but he has decided to walk out a few weeks back and throw it all away and all he has done in the mean time is probably drink and put his job on the line. I’m heartbroken as he has such potential to turn his life around but I feel there is nothing more I can do. His family are aware of this issue but they can’t get through to him either but haven’t stood by him as much as I have. I feel so lost, that I lost my best friend to this horrible drug and I know he would never speak to me the way he has as a result of drug use. I would appreciate any guidance or support from others in the same position as myself. Many thanks

[sunny77]

I really wish I could tell you something positive Mariaf but there is no happy ending here , not where he is currently at , sadly having been here myself, unless they truly want to stop I am afraid that your words are lost on them.

I wasted 3 years of my life trying to save my husband, I have been manipulated ,lied to, blamed verbally abused called a psycho a narcissist a sociopath all by the man I loved for 19 years.

Sweetheart it changes them so much. to the point you no longer recognise them, this forum will help as you will read stories which will be like reading your own life story it all goes the same way.

My advice is this , research the illness so you understand it … this is nothing you have done… know that the man you love will not be put you before drugs, that now comes first and foremost.

You cannot save him and you will break yourself trying to do so, he won’t quit cocaine whilst he is drinking he needs to stop both it’s as you will read largely the only way.

He needs to reach rock bottom before he will stop and even then he might not. But do not let him drag you down there too especially financially .My husband swore on our sons life he would quit he relapsed time and time again. My son stood sobbing begging him to stop , it did not register he said I had brainwashed him.

We are all here to help and I bet there isn’t a single scenario that you have been through or going thorough that we haven’t .

My husband left because it was easier to use, I took him back twice and then as soon as I started asking him to do tests he would create a row and leave .

Emotional relapse is a real thing they will sub consciously cause a row so that they can go get high they don’t even know they do it. He will go get high and you will be left damaged by everything that was said , they lack so much empathy when they are in the depths of addiction they no longer care if you are hurt.

Sending love and strength x

[mariaf]

Thank you so much for sharing Sunny77 for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you have gone through such a hard time yourself. I have been speaking to both close friends and others and they have all said to not blame myself and not to regret anything, that I was the only person somewhat grounding him and that I can do no more to try save him. This is what I find so heartbreaking as I tried from the bottom of my heart to save him and keep everything afloat but both his addiction and circle of friends are his priority. All I asked for was respect and no more lies and I genuinely felt that we were making progress for all of 2 weeks and next thing the doubt started to unfold again. I’m a very caring individual and it hurts so much to not be able to help because in a heart beat I would do anything to change it all even though I have gone through mental and verbal abuse and just looked on the brightside that tomorrow is a new day even though he’d leave me in our house on my own until early hours, come home at a reasonable hour and insist on staying up or not come home at all. No matter what boundaries I tried to implement he never tried to respect any of them, he just continued to do his own thing.

[sunny77]

That resonates also , the two week cycle . Mine would have regret be okay for 2 weeks then off we would go again.

As much as we can tell you sweetheart and you can read our stories , you will try and help until you really have been broken to the core . Only then will you have the strength to keep those boundaries and you will I promise .

You will read grown men walking away from perfect lives & families and choosing cocaine over anybody else .

It’s really important that you , protect yourself now. It’s easy for me to say now , and even after making my husband of 19 years homeless currently living in his van that I knew every time I kept a roof over his head I was enabling.

I watched him beg that night say all the things I wanted to hear , when I stood my ground he went from crying to spewing venomous hate . I knew right there and then I had done the right thing .

They get taken from us, but you can’t hold on and you can’t make them quit . But you can save yourself .

The disappearing , the hanging out with new people the staying up it’s all classic behaviour. Tomorrow is a new day for you …. But until he’s ready to get real help it’s just another day of doing what he needs to to feed his habit so nothing new just an old habit .

Xx

[mariaf]

Yes I can completely appreciate what your saying. I also got the tears and promises on a few occasions that I felt were somewhat the turning point for him, but it was all empty promises that I fell for, in some respect I believed ok maybe this time he realises and we will be able to build a future and work towards what I wanted, but no. He agreed on wanting all I want but actions never proved it. As you said he’s not in a position to quit. I’d imagine more will be lost before things change. If someone told me a year ago I’d go through this heartbreak I wouldn’t have believed them. Here was me thinking I was the one going crazy, the one that went for counselling because I felt I needed to for my sanity, the one the blame was pushed onto and the one that kept apologising even when it wasn’t my fault but in order to settle an argument. It has been such a draining experience I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

[sunny77]

Yup me too , I had counselling because he made me believe I was the problem , 6 months of counselling because apparently my mood swings causes his relapses .

I had counselling which soon actually made me realise that my moods were a symptom not the cause , he was the cause.

I often took the blame just to keep things calm , thinking okay if I just take this one I can get him happy again and he will quit .

I promise you that you will get to the ping that you will find your voice and finally say ….. ENOUGH!! I no longer will listen to your transferral of blame to me, you won’t believe it you won’t accept it and pretty soon you will soon start to resent him .

Don’t get me wrong I love my husband o bits but right now , I dislike him immensely , he’s toxic to me and our son.

Honey it’s awful , and nobody apart from those of us that have walked the same path as you will ever understand how it feels.

I hope he sees sense honey, but don’t keep dragging him out of burning building that he will run straight back into 2 weeks later .

Xx

[mariaf]

Exactly taking the blame to keep the peace. I worry for where he’s going to end up. Is there any advice you would give to try help me settle my anxiety and overcome this? I know it’s no longer the weight on my shoulders but at the end of the day I still care so much for him. Would you be able to share any advice on helping building my confidence again as I keep thinking back to the nasty verbal abuse that was thrown at me. And once I’d say stop talking to me like that, his attitude towards me was that I almost deserved to be spoke to that way. Im currently taking each day as it comes and working as much as I can as a form of distraction. Anyone that knows us as couple would have said he was blessed to have me and does he not realise what he is losing, this breaks my heart because I may aswell be gone off the face of the earth to him now

[sunny77]

Firstly you didn’t deserve it … and secondly all this is coming from a person with a mind that is no longer controlled by him … it sounds like some weird science film doesn’t it . But cocaine rewrites the brain and what you are left with now is a mind that had one purpose to use cocaine , feed its ego , manipulative and lie .

He won’t care what he says of course the old him would probably be devastated but this version lacks empathy , it’s the coldest most harming part of it .

The first thing you need to do is stop your own toxic thoughts about yourself .

You are enough

You tried everything

What you are doing now is helping him although you don’t think you are .

Don’t try and understand why he says what he says or does what he does , you won’t ever so don’t try .

Surround yourself with people who build you up , write yourself a sticky with positive affirmations that you see in the morning .

I am enough

I am strong

I am a good person

I deserve better

This too shall pass .

It happened to me and it is happening to lots of other amazing women. I wish there was a way I could contact you directly it’s going to be tough but you can and will get through this we all will .

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