[kdgamergirl]

A few days ago I left our house.

I (38F) have been with my partner (44M) for about 4 years, living together for 3. He is a daily weed smoker and I have never smoked so much as a cigarette in my life. When we first started dating, I feel like I had no idea the extent of his weed use. He’s admitted he would get high in the afternoons, come visit me in the evening, and then get high when he went home.

When I moved into his house, I had concerns about how much he was getting high, but he insisted he just enjoyed it and didn’t “need” it. I have never liked anything about it – the smell, the smoke in his lungs, the daily use, how he uses to avoid facing problems or making changes… everything is an excuse to get high – because it was there, because he was stressed, because he was relaxed, because he has work to do, because he’s done with work, his back hurts, he can’t sleep without it, because he had nothing else to do…

We have a recurring fight every 3-4 months where I ask him to cut back and stop smoking in the house. I’m not asking for 100% quit (though I wish he would), but not every day, multiple times a day. He will quit for a couple days, go outside, etc, but eventually goes back to the same behaviors and he argues with me about why does he need to change because he’s not hurting anyone. I’m tired of the fighting and the feeling like I’m the only adult in the relationship.

We’ve been talking about getting married, buying a house, starting a family… but I just can’t move forward this way. I left for a few days after a pretty big fight and maybe it makes me an a-hole, but I’m making it a condition the we see a therapist if he wants me to come back. It took him 5 days to agree, but I suppose at least he DID agree.

I’m working to find us someone now and will go back tonight. I’m afraid that if I go back it’ll be that hard to leave again if I have to.

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