[river21]

Since I found out a loved one is using, they’ve turned heartless towards me. Despite being together for decades, they now say they don’t love me and indirectly blame me for their use, saying I did not show them love. I’ve decided to leave on a temporary basis to give us space from each other, and they say they can’t wait for me to go. I don’t know whether the cocaine use has caused them to feel this way, or whether they really mean it. I haven’t judged them, I have only offered love and support. I’m so confused. It feels like I’m living with a stranger.

[unsure2021]

They are cold hearted and twisted and everything is everyone else’s fault not theirs ,they are being like that because they are ashamed and angry at you finding out but they are taking it out on you , hope your as OK as you can be x

[river21]

Thank you so much for your response. It’s like being on a roller coaster ride. My emotions are all over the place. Yeah, he’s definitely ashamed. Thanks x

[jamesb]

Hi River, hope you’re okay. There’s alot more that I’d be interested to ask so I could better answer your question if that’s okay? Mainly if you could give general understanding of general life for you and your partner. How long have you been married or together, do you have children, do you both work? More importantly, has there been any negative impacts that now are obviously due to his using for example financial issues, more frequently arguing, is he dissappearing sometimes so he can use etc. You may not realise if you haven’t really spoken to him yet just how broadly life and relationships are affected if one of you are addicted to something.

As a general response to your post coming from perspective of a recovering cocaine addict who’s addiction caused my partner an unmeasured amount of pain I’ll try give you an insight.

No one ever intentionally set out to be an addict, or intentionally wants to ruin relationships or hurt people but when you find yourself one of the unfortunate ones who’s being gripped, you end up living almost a double life or with 2 versions of yourself. The science behind it has proven that a cocaine addicts brain is basically rewired to justify to themselves the reason they use. Even though its having a negative effect on their life, their addiction will genuinely make them believe that everyone else is to blame because otherwise surely they would just stop right?

I could go further into this if you like but for now I’m going to guess that your partner is in the stage where he is still gripped and when you have found out, the natural defence would be as he has done, blame you, be aggressive, say hurtful nasty things because he is not in control of his brain, I can promise you, the things he has said he deep down probably doesn’t mean but him saying he can’t wait for you to leave is because the addict in him just wants to be left alone, unchallenged so he can continue in his addiction without anyone getting in the way.

I’d also bet that deep down, the part of him that is still the man you first met wants nothing more than to get help and get clean but when addiction has a grip on you it is so hard to find strength to put recovery into action.

I posted yesterday some links to a YouTube video that I feel you would realy benifit from watching to understand addiction a little better.

Im on here most days so please ask me anything you want to know and I’ll do my best to try help in anyway way I can

Stay strong and look after yourself first before anything

[river21]

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[gardenfence]

Morning River21

How your partner has treated you mirrors very much how my ex behaved towards me. It came as a bolt out of the blue and the coldness and blame was focussed on me. It’s a cruel way to behave especially when they cut you out, and you’ve been nothing but kind, loving and non judgemental. It won’t make it easier but there are others that have and are going through similar too, so knowing you are not alone may help you in some way.

It sounds as if he’s in a period of confusion so is lashing out to the closet person in his life, which is a sad affect of addiction. Cocaine is a sneaky drug and I would suspect it’s the effects of cocaine that are talking not the real person you know and love. You’ve done the right thing moving out and don’t pressure yourself to come up with answers or solutions. Accept how you feel, speak to someone you trust and take care of you.

[river21]

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[unsure2021]

Jamesb your reply is so much helpful than mine , I’m feeling lot of anger and hurt just now but reading it from your perspective had made me feel a wee bit better because these days I just think he hates me and wants to hurt me , can I ask what it’s like for an addict the day after you’ve been on it because he gets on it and loves me to bits although don’t get much interaction because he sniffs continously till he can’t talk but then we have 2 maybe 3 days of him being moody and nasty then couple days where he seems normal then he on it and we are back to square 1

[river21]

You’re reply was really helpful, I promise. I too would like to hear Jamesb’ response. This illness is so complex. x

[gardenfence]

This is such a helpful conversation that’s being opened up. It’s so hard to know how or if you should support someone who is trying to get help with their addictions. My ex has cut me out and told me they want to do it alone and I’m not part of their life. It’s a fine line between being caring and supportive and then being viewed by them as the needy one, and them thinking it’s no wonder they ended the relationship with you. Hearing the viewpoint from the other perspective is helping, especially in reducing how hurt I feel about their actions to me. River21 I used those same words “broken” to my ex. It’s not easy to get your head around this however these forums are brilliant and it cannot be underestimated how everyones honesty makes a difference. X

[river21]

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[river21]

Sorry, I should have also said that I hope the hurt you feel gets easier as time passes. (Sorry, I’m so wrapped up in myself atm) like you say, it is great to hear perspectives from the other side xx

[gardenfence]

Don’t apologise, you’re not wrapped up in you, you’re trying to make sense of this point in your life. We’ve all been there, that’s why this Forum is so good. Helps us to connect and understand from others. X

[river21]

I honestly can’t thank you enough for your input. I’m very good with self-care, so I just need to continue doing that and focusing on me. Easier said than done I know! Thanks again x

[gardenfence]

Keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t beat yourself up if you contact him, more than once, hoping he’ll want to make things right with you. We’ve got feelings ourselves and trying to stand back and not rush back in is hard. I’ve tried numerous times to get back in touch, he’s responded which gave me hope, in reality it was me being all hopeful that the person I knew was inside him really did want me back. I now know he’s not ready to see me, he’s protecting himself by cutting me out and as painful as it is I’m keeping my distance. Still doesn’t stop the temptation of wanting to contact them though. Time will tell. X

[river21]

I really hope it works out for you, either way. My plan, right now, is to take a step back too. He’ll either decide to sort himself out or not. I’ve made it clear that I’ll support him if he decides to fight this war but I realise that he has to want to win it for himself, me pressuring him is not the answer – I’m only alienating him. Take care of yourself xx

[gardenfence]

You sound like you’ve got a good plan River21 and you are very switched on with this. Good for you, Take care of you too. X

[river21]

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[gardenfence]

Hi River21

I just wanted to see how things are going for you and if you are moving forward since we last posted?

[river21]

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[gardenfence]

Wow River21 what a lot you and your family have had to contend with.

How could you have known about the drug usage. It’s not your world so you wouldn’t be looking out for the signs. He was clever at hiding it, until he could no longer keep up the facade.

His homelessness rests on his shoulders, and naturally you’ll have concerns because you’re a caring person. You sound a very strong and resilient person, and from what you have said you are making sure you and your family are safe.

I hope you get to start your new life soon as a family in a place you feel happy and safe in.

[river21]

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[bluestar]

Hi Gardenfence – I came across this post and saw your response, and wondering how you ended up handling it.. My partner had just ended relationship with me recently, saying he can’t be a partner right now, and he doesn’t know what he want. He had admitted that one of the reasons that he can’t be a partner right now is cocaine, but I don’t think he’s at the stage where he’s seeking help for his addiction, or even admitting that he has an addiction problem. I feel that deep down he’s ashamed of what he’s doing, but maybe he just didn’t want to admit it. I sometimes still send him messages trying to encourage him, and tell him that I will support him if he wants to seek help.

However I have the same struggle – don’t know if I’m helping or making things worse. I can’t agree more with what you said “It’s a fine line between being caring and supportive and then being viewed by them as the needy one, and them thinking it’s no wonder they ended the relationship with you. ”

If you don’t mind, can I ask what did you end up doing? And did you end up keeping in touch with your ex? I hope you’re doing better now XX

[gardenfence]

I’m sorry to hear that River21, it’s painful to hear when you’re coming from a place of care. Accepting how you feel is a biggie because some of us are fixers and we just think if they get better, I’ll be better and then we can get back to being us again. There’s no magic wand with this. Time, tears, talking to trusted friends/counsellors and taking time for you/ourselves is what we can do for us. They were nasty words and I hope you can keep sharing because it stops you feeling you’re going loopy (which you’re not) it’s the situation which is loopy. X

[gardenfence]

Hi Bluestar

It’s so hard isn’t it when you love and care for someone and then they suddenly push you out, especially if it’s without warning.

We did regain contact. I tried in many different ways to ask to meet face to face so I could finally put things to rest in my head. He wouldn’t meet, he truly believed he had ended things in a good way and the two times we met in the immediacy of the ending of the relationship he had laid the blame of the relationship ending on his shoulders. Therefore there was no more to discuss in his eyes. However, that was not my reality and his words and actions to me on those occasions were painful and traumatic. Hence me wanting to lay that ghost to bed when the dust had settled.

Anyway our regained communication put us in an amicable space with each other. 9 months on he is living with someone, and engaged to someone at least 20 years his junior. However he wanted me to take the blame when she noticed an innocuous text a message from me to him. That’s then when I realised his morals were of self preservation and saving face in front of others. Now I’ve got closure, and can see how cocaine (he’s says he’s stopped taking) can alter realities and place blame on others shoulders because it’s easier to project their feelings onto others than taking and accepting self responsibility.

Hard as it’s been, that door is now shut for me and my friends have all said I’m better away from it all. All I know is I had to do what I needed to do to get it out my system and get closure and now it’s done I feel lighter, and able to see positive things ahead of me.

It’s so challenging to keep ourselves in check, what I do remind myself though is I cared and loved them, I never took drugs so I had clarity and a true sense of my feelings and their choices have been made because that’s what they want.

I hope you can find your own way too. X

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