[ceelen]

Has anyone refused to forgive their partner and just walked away cutting all ties, even with children involved?

To put some perspective around it, my partner (loose use of the word) has gone to a 28 day residential rehab today. I have supported him and stood by him through 8 years of various substance abuse and alcohol addiction. I cant even begin to list the ways he has ruined mine and my children’s lives. This week I cut the chord and said no more and now he has voluntarily entered this rehab programme and ive been asked if I’ll go to the family sessions in a few weeks?

But… I dont want to support him in his recovery, I dont want to take yet another chance that things will change/ get better/ stop. Ive gambled mine and my kids future, stability and happiness for 8 years on the promise things will change and I just dont want to do it again.

I know it sounds selfish but I want to be selfish, surely I deserve to be selfish and put us first!

Also as up until now he has managed to be relatively high functioning with his addictions will the rehab facility report a safeguarding for my children? Is the world going to crash round my ears now the secrets out? Do I tell the kids school before it sounds even worse from a social worker?

I just dont know what to do, about any of it, my life is in tatters.

[esta]

Take one day at a time and even if you only sort one problem a day it’s a step forward

You will go through a grieving process with many unanswered questions that seem so big now

I can honestly say try and let it go because you will never get the truth and it will just stop you moving forward

Do whatever you have to to get through and don’t

Life is so very short do not waste another today

Change is a good thing

Don’t be frightened everything has a way of working itself out

Be strong x

[careaboutyou]

Hi Celeen,

Firstly I want to say that I understand where you are…I was married to an Alcoholic and left him with my Son ( then 5 ) after many years of suffering. I recognise everything you say, it’s a horror story and no one knows, as we never hear about the destruction that addicts are doing to their partners and families….we only ever hear about them.

Him being in rehab gives you the window to escape and construct a life for you and your children only. An addict is not a fit Parent and can never be in charge of children. For goodness sake! You are not the selfish one!!

Why should you have to stay on the rollercoaster / live in the eye of a hurricane which is not of your making anymore. Stay strong, get strong. Tell the School, tell everyone. I know how you feel shame in this, but in hindsight I wish I’d told everyone sooner and therefore asked everyone for help.

He and he alone is responsible for his well being and safety. I’m sure that you’ve tried for all these years to help him, but he still won’t help himself. As you say, so much damage has already been done to you and your children. Cut off, get out, get away, so it’s just you and the children. Him going to re-hab ( and the family invitation ) letter are proof that he’s an addict. You are the responsible therefore primary carer. GOOD LUCK, routing for you! You sound strong, and that’s why he’s attached to you…You can do it!

[jamesb]

Hi Ceelen, I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry that you are going through this. I hope it’s okay me commenting as I’m commenting from the other side of the fence. I just logged on with the intention of making a post asking for people opinions on this exact subject because I am a recovering addict and I’m finding it really hard to one come to terms with just how much pain I have caused my partner but also the realisation that, with the recovery process, I need her more now than ever but due to my own actions she no longer wants to support me which I completely understand and honestly I can’t blame her. So…..

Im sorry if this is subconsciously one sided trying to defend addicts as I’ve learned through recovery that all addicts myself included will always try and bend situations to suit them so please bare with me and I’ll try and be as impartial and honest as I can be.

I don’t know the ins and outs of what your husband did, but if he had an addiction of any sort please know that it wasn’t (completely) his choice. No one ever says to themselves, “I’m going to become addicted to drink or drugs and royally screw my life up. I’m also going to hurt the people closest to me, lie to them, steal from them and hopefully in a few years I’ll lose everything”. No one ever intends to do that but the truth is it happens.

It happens gradually and some time an addict won’t even notice. You mentioned he was high functioning. I was too. That meant it can go undetected for alot longer, he was probably still working, still providing but secretly the illness of addiction would have been gripping tighter and tighter. Now the lies, which happen in every situation with an addict, normally start with the best intentions. They start because the addict doesn’t want anyone to know. Doesn’t want the shame and doesn’t want to worry their partner. But as time goes on things get worse the lie get bigger and its a one way street.

As an addict and get to the point you need help and you know you are powerless to your substance, the scariest thing of you are high functioning is to come clean and ask for help because you’ll be worried that job you still have will go, your Mrs who hates you but is still around will finally leave if she finds out and you’ll be left alone. So normally people try to stop on their own but it never works.

What’s important to know is that deep down the person who you once loved is still there. But that man has been fighting a losing battle within his own head daily with his addiction and its like having a split personality. I love my (now ex) partner with every ounce of my being and I would pass any lie detector test if I was asked because its true, but somehow I still did so many terrible things to her and without a second thought. The way that was abke to happen is because when the addict inside of you is in the pilot seat, you have no control over your emotions, your thoughts or your actions until the next morning when you sober up and have to deal with the guilt and heartbreak of what you have done.

Now I can’t tell you what’s right and wrong but I ask you to please at least consider a 3rd option to either just stay or leave.

Keep your distance, safeguard yourself and your kids. Maybe move out or figure out what works but please don’t give up on him. If he is really serious this time then he will be going through the toughest fight of his life and I gaurentee his motivation will be his family. I’m not saying to just forgive him, no he has to earn everything back through actions and that will take a long time. But addiction is not a choice he made and no matter what he did to you i am sure that he still loves you.

You don’t have to live with him, or see him every day but try and be a part of his recovery, let him share his struggles with you when he is having a tough day and wants to go back to the drink and I hope and pray that the man you once loved will begin to shine through again.

I wish you and him all the happiness in the world and I wish you both good luck.

All the best x

[broken2020]

Just reading your post and wanted to thank you for this insight.

I am in the position of needing to put myself first, protect myself from the lies etc but have been torn up inside knowing he is not a bad person but the drugs change him and we have had some good times. The other half of me is not sure if he is capable of change, it is all he has known his whole life and he is 46 now. Maybe it’s too late for change with very little support available unless you can pay for it.

Thank you for sharing it is always interesting to get perspective from the other side.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Ceelan,

Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you feel so confused about your partner’s addiction and your wish to get away.

If you would like to talk through your feelings please contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people dealing with addiction in their family. May be talking with one of our trained and experienced Family Friends will help to answer some of your questions and find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[ceelen]

Thank you for the different range of replies.

It’s been a funny old week. I bit the bullet and told my 7 year olds school what had been going on. They were quite shocked that I’d not told them sooner, but very nice about it. They know me very well and decided there were no safeguarding issues. They stressed the importance though of making other professionals involved in our lives aware. Today I contacted my two year olds health visitor, who while lovely, immediately made a social services involvement and also encouraged me to contact first response and complete a self referral. Talking to the social worker today for that initial conversation was soul destroying, having to admit the lies and secrecy I’ve lived with for all these years, with nothing but “I thought things would change” just felt hollow and empty. That being said they were very polite and reassuring and helped me to see that while I may have not done the best thing by hiding it, I have devoted every waking thought to limiting its effect on my children throughout. They are satisfied that my children are well cared for and they are at no risk of harm in my care. They have made it clear it is my choice whether he has contact once he comes out, and that its for me to decide what is best for them.

I have to admit I still don’t know what to do when he comes out.

For the last few years he has lived with his parents, who I don’t trust, or even particularly like. So there’s no question about him returning here. We are also financially totally separate as I’ve never been able to depend on him financially. Cutting that tie has no impact other than emotionally.

Jamesb, I really respect your honesty with your reply. More so I 4espect the fact that you can acknowledge how addicts manipulate a narrative to suit themselves, something he has done for a very long time, usually with me as the villain. With you saying you were high functioning you implied you had held down a job, still provided for your family etc and I really respect that you managed to do that, but mine didn’t. The difficulty I would have listening to his struggles trying to support him is that, intentionally or not, he doesn’t take any responsibility for any of the pain he’s caused, its just excuses all the time or someone else’s fault. Besides the addiction issues, he just never grew up either.

[jamesb]

@broken2020

I hope you’re okay, you’re right there is very little help available without paying but honestly CA is amazing if you can get your partner to give it a go I would recommend it more than anything

[broken2020]

Thank you for responding.

We tried CA and he was doing well but then lockdown came and meetings went online and it wasn’t the same for him.

He returned though.He tried 3 different sponsors the first had to stop as was having difficulties of his own, the second wasn’t really available due to work and the third lied and that was it he was done. Never been the same since

We don’t live together as I have children and cannot bring the chaos into their lives. His housing situation is a nightmare as he is placed in a block of flats where other addicts and dealers live. They all no when it’s each others “pay day”Poor credit so no private landlords will touch him.

He has tried very hard. He seems so desperate for a friend other than me. He is trying therapy for his childhood trauma but that seems to trigger use.

I think his nearest CA meeting is 5 miles away but I will try and encourage him to return.

Thank you for reading this.

[jamesb]

@broken2020

Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me, sometimes when I comment and reply to people on here I worry that because I’m coming from the point of view of the addicted person I may upset people.

Reading everything you said it sounds like it’s a really tough situation for both of you and you are clearly concerned for his wellbeing in his current situation being in housing surrounded by other people who may influence.

Just thinking outside the box here…. I know it may sound silly but what about hobbies? Is there anything you could encourage him to do in terms of say going to a gym or joining a team of any sort like football (or soccer as I’m getting the impression you’re from America lol) or absolutely anything he may be interested in. The thought process behind it is if he could make new friends that are not connected to the drugs etc it will be a huge help. I know myself the main reason that helped was actually jealousy. I made new friends who had absolutely no connection with drugs and had decent stable lives and the closer I got to them the more I wanted a peice of what they had. A stable life with no drama, loving relationships, financial security etc and that helped me stay strong. As bad as it sounds sometimes I would think to myself, which life do I want? This friend who has his life together with no real issues, or this guys who is still doing the same things that got me to rock bottom and is still having to live with the consequences of using.

Alot of us get so used to living in such a unhappy lifesthat it becomes almost normal and having people close who can show you just how good life can be if you put all the using behind you can really help

[Author]

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