[outofideas]

Hi All

I am new here and I would like to hear from anyone who can help with some ideas how to cope with a loved ones drug and alcohol use.

First, let me explain that he doesn’t use every day. Only when he has 2-3 days off in a row. Sometimes it is just a small amount to “manage” the big cravings. But sometimes he goes on a proper binge and can spend up to a quarter of his wages in one night on coke and alcohol. He is never physically abusive but can be verbally abusive and disappear for the whole night. He did have a few accidents where he had to be off work for a week or two with serious injuries, because he got himself into such a state that he wasn’t thinking straight. This causes quite significant issues between us. I personally never been drinking a lot and never tried any drugs, never been interested in either of them, therefore it is hard for me to understand his dependency.

He tried counseling but frankly his drug use just got worse during this time. He has this cycle that keeps repeating every 3-4 weeks. He goes on a mad binge of coke and alcohol, spends stupid amount of money, is out all night an well into the morning hours. When he gets back he is in a bad state, quite a few times I did think that this is it, he’s done too much and he is having a heart attack because he is clenching his heart and struggles to breath. Then the next few days he is locking himself up in the bedroom, doesn’t want to talk, or even get in the shower and feels depressed and ashamed. He promises that he will get help, he knows he has a problem, he doesn’t want to take drugs anymore, etc. Then the days go by, he is getting himself better, less depressed and is trying to convince me that he can do this by himself, he can get off the drugs alone, no need for professional help. The following week he is good, he is positive until something happens, however small issue comes up and he is back on the drugs and the alcohol. Or if nothing bad happens, well then it is time to reward himself that he hasn’t had anything for 3 weeks, so he deserves a little treat.

His body is already giving him the signals that it is time to slow down, has been to the doctors more in the past year than the last 10. High blood pressure, chest pains, infections all over his body that won’t heal for months, etc.

I had to go through pregnancy with all this added stress and I don’t want our child to see him like this and grow up seeing daddy in such a state and think that this is normal.

I know I have to look after myself and our child, but this guy is the love of my life and he is literally killing himself in front of me and I feel that there is nothing I can do. Anyone who knows him just sees him as this bubbly happy guy, even his family don’t think that he has a problem, it’s always me overreacting, “he just needs to blow off some steam”.

Thank you for reading and for any advice in advance.

[kklost]

I felt really sad reading your post.

Congratulations to you and becoming a mum. Try and cherish every bit of that, even though this is all going on.

Your partner sounds in a really bad place. No one manages drug use.

He won’t change and this is only going to get worse. I really have learnt that no one can help them but professionals.

You can’t fix him and you can’t change this. Only he can.

Al you can control is whether you sit there and watch him destroy himself.

[Author]

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