I’m new to this and just need to vent and if I can get advice then great I have been suffering with depression and decided that with what started as me living that “party lifestyle” has turned into me using it as temporary happiness and due to this I’ve pushed people away and destroyed some treated friendships because In my head that’s easier for them to hate me so they won’t be as sad when I’m no longer myself or even no longer around but I just can’t do it anymore it’s always 2 steps forward 1 step back I try so hard to be happy but I wake up everyday to this mundane life and when I socialise I put on this happy face then I start to drink and it escalates because honestly it numbs it till the next day then rinse and repeat I just want to be me again and it’s awful that I’ve become so lost I’m in a cycle that I’m struggling to break