[desperatedad]

Good morning everyone. As I write this note I do so out of desperation, fear and hope.

I found out recently that my wife is heavily addicted to cocaine. We both used it recreationally years ago when we were younger. I thought we had left all of that in the past. We have 3 wonderfull children now and stupidly I thought our life was pretty good and that she was happy. We had our 3rd child 2.5 years ago and it seems this has been the catalyst for her to start using again. Her mood and behaviour changed dramatically and I know part of this was due to post natal depression but her use has spiralled out of control. The amount of money she has been spending has been huge. There have been lots of lies and sneaking around. Unfortunately I work long hours but try to be at home as much as I can to support her.

For the past couple of months I have been watching closely and was checking her handbag where I would find she was using drugs every day. Usually when me and he children were all asleep. I could even hear her taking it when I was readying our daughter her bed time story. She also makes excuses I go out all of the time and I have ask doscovered she is regularly meeting a drug dealer when she tells me she is popping to the shop. Whenever I am at work and someone pops over to visit, she’s always asks them to look after the kids for 5 minutes while she pops to the shop. She has also been spotted doing a drug deal with the dealer in our car while our 2 year old daughter is in the back of the car. She always try’s to avoid having our older children in the car for obvious reasons. Her behaviour is so erratic lately. There have been occasions where her phones gone off and then she leaves the house in such a rush. I am worried she may owe people alot of money. I am so scared for my children’s safety and my own.

This has made me ill with worry and I was unable to eat for 3 days so I decided to try and sort it all out

About 5 days ago I confronted her and she denied everything. Eventually she admitted she had taken it and that she had a problem and it was all caused because she felt lonely as I work a lot. After telling her I knew how much she was using she agreed to get help. I already had the number ready to call. Since then she has been avoiding making the call saying she is fearful that social services will take the children away. I keep gently trying to get her to do it.

She has told me she feel ashamed and still loves me but this is I’m serious doubt as I discovered last night that she has bought drugs from someone at a firework party we attended. I have searched everywhere for the drugs but can’t find them so she ever used them all last night or they are hidden somewhere. I have also discovered she has contacted the drug deal again twice the day before when she said she was taking our daughter to a play group.

I’m not really sure where I turn to next. I want to escalate this and force her to get help but if I alert the authorities are socia services going to get involved?

I think I’m my heart of hearts I realise I may have lost my wife forever as it is clear she puts drugs before me and he children even now after she promised me to stop 5 days ago.

If anyone can give me any helpful advice or information I would appreciate it.

Yours sincerely,

A very scared Dad

[frankie]

Hi, I can sense the desperation in your post. You obviously love your wife as much as I love my husband.

I won’t lie, I thought I could stop my husband from using. I haven’t. Instead his drug use has worn me down to the point that I cannot cry anymore.

You and your children are what matters currently. All of you, your happiness & health. Concentrate on this.

I’m not ready to leave my husband, I have told him that he needs to give me his bank cards & I will provide “pocket money “. He is spending incredible amounts of money on coke. I have said to him that we need to see the gp together.

I have spent too much time on my own whilst he sleeps off the effects of his binges. I don’t stay in anymore waiting, looking after him. I go out to the gym. Have made new friends and walk my dogs. He has started to notice. I’m getting stronger in myself. Strangely this seems to worry him.

I have learnt I can’t change him until he wants to.

loving someone with an addiction is almost like a bereavement. But people do recover & im still hanging on to that.

[jem]

Hi, your situation sounds very stressful, I’m really sorry that your family are going through this. I have a son who has addiction issues and I find that hard to cope with, without having to worry about small children.

I would talk to an addiction helpline, they will be able to support you with this. I have lent heavily on Drugsfam and they’ve been really helpful. This forum is full of amazing people who will also be there for you.

Something that I have learned is to not keep it a secret between you and your wife. If you have relatives that you trust and know you both well I would probably confide in them. If you keep it a secret it adds another layer of stress and if people know what’s going on they can help. My son gets angry if anyone in our family finds out but I’ve decided that as it’s me that has to deal with the fall out I’ll decide if someone needs to know. Hopefully you may have someone who can help you with the children. I can understand why you don’t want Social Services involved and only you can decide on that. I really hope that your wife wakes up and can get the support she needs from local addiction services and Narcotics Anonymous. I guess no one chooses to become addicted to drugs/alcohol but that doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. I hope things improve for you all xxx

[desperatedad]

Good evening Frankie,

Thankyou for taking the time to reply. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I hope one day you and your family can come though all of this. That’s what I am clinging onto at the moment as I think that all I have. Just when I thought my wife was at least trying I discover she bought drugs last night. I have tried to not let it affect me today while I try and work out what to do next. I’m sure she will be trying to source more over the next day or two. She promised me yesterday she will call the local helpline tomorrow so I hope she is true to her word. Deep down I know I am going to be disappointed though.

Can I ask what help you sought or have received so far? The only time I have seen her get upset and for it to register is when I talk about the concern I have for the safety of our children.

I’m mindful that if I go too hard on her this will make it worse but I don’t know what else to do. If she refuses tomorrow I feel like I have to act or this will never be resolved.

Thanks for listening

[frankie]

It’s good to talk. I think that’s what we all need. I have no one I can talk to, maybe like yourself we need to find a place, person to just vent out. The shame and frustration hurts.

What have I done? I’ve googled everything on addiction from nhs websites to rehabs. A few things I have learned are self care & to stop enabling him. Harsh as it seems I have told him it’s his problem not mine. Unless he wants & starts getting help I have no sympathy. But underneath I feel terrible. But you need to be strong, you have your children. Put them & yourself first.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. If you would like to get some help for yourself you might want to contact us at Icarus Trust as we are a charity that supports people dealing with addiction in their families. Talking with one of our trained and experienced Family Friends would let you know what help is available for yourself as well as your wife.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you and your family.

[frankie]

All my advice & wisdom…. I’ve thrown the towel in. I’ve said I’ve had enough. 8yrs of dealing with this. I came back to this chat line because I wanted hope. I read your post & that was me some years ago. He promised me to stop… last 2 days I don’t think so. I’m sick of the lies & selfishness. He only cares about himself, not the hurt & mistrust he has caused. Life is for living don’t waste it I have. I want to leave, go but I can’t.

[desperatedad]

Hi Frankie,

I feel your pain and i really don’t know how you have managed to endure this torture for so long. mine has only been for a few months and i am ill with worry. I love my wife but i dont think i can take much more. Is there a particular reason why you cant leave or are there many?. Do you have family you can talk to?. Do his family know?. Unfortunately for me both my parents died suddenly at the beginning of the year so i have nobody and i don’t know who i can confide in.

My nightmare is only just beginning and i think i am heading for divorce, i am worried sick about my children and how this is going to ruin their lives.

i am really struggling to think straight at the moment. After all of this came out my wife eventually phoned the local drugs help line yesterday and has had an initial phone call today. I heard some of the conversation and she hasn’t been entirely honest with the truth but i felt better knowing this was maybe the start. We’ve talked to death about it over the last couple of days and she is saying all the right things but i know she is lying to me because she has still been trying to source drugs from other people. I am on night shift tonight and she told me not to worry as she would keep herself busy but i know she bought drugs earlier today. i did hear the counsellor say to her to try and cut down because you cant just turn it off so i am mindful to confront her at this stage.

I suspect she may also have had an affair or maybe still having an affair because she is still acting strange one minute and then all apologetic and loving the next. i’m sure she will be plotting something this week while i’m trying to sleep after night shifts. I can’t remember the last time i had a proper nights sleep.

Thankyou for listening and i hope you can somehow move forward.

[frankie]

I’m saying this as my experience not yours. You will know when you’ve had enough or you decide that you are strong enough & can lead your children away from this. As I said I don’t have that worry. But I do understand. You will cope because as parents & I don’t care what people say, yes responsible parents. In life we have all had to face our demons. But life is precious. A couple of friends of mine are ill & I through my own journey realise life is what you make it. If you want happiness take it, enjoy every stupid thing that tickles your fancy. My friend today made me laugh until I cried…. I’d forgotten that. Best medicine- go out there & laugh again x

[Author]

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