[annie09]

Hi all,

I’ve recently found out that my partner has been cheating on me. For the last 6 months or so he’s been constantly relapsing, he’s had a cocaine addiction for over 10 years now.

We have a daughter together and I moved out nearly 2 months ago as he had broken more promises and betrayed my trust.

During this time I have been trying to help as much as possible, he tells me he loves me and that he will get better but he needs to sort himself out before I can move back. We made plans for the summer and got excited about our daughters first birthday. I love him so much and its been incredibly difficult.

Last week he left again and I found his old phone. After some digging I found out that he had been constantly doing coke the whole time I thought he was trying to get better. He has also been seeing prostitutes. He admitted to getting sexual acts of them but insists it was whilst he was high and he only went to get coke. I’m completely heartbroken and struggling to carry on. I keep thinking about it and decided that was enough. But I’m struggling to let go, without me he has no one and I still hope he can get better. I dont know if being with him is the right thing, he wouldn’t of cheated if it wasnt for coke, but he’s done it now and I can’t help but think there’s more than he’s letting on and I’m not just a convenience for him as he knows i cant just let go.

I dont really know what i want from this but I’m in so much pain i dont know what to do

[jadeem]

Hi Annie, sounds like you’re having a really tough time. The coke is one thing but the cheating must feel a lot worse. And you’re right it’s due to the coke that he did this- sadly they make really bad choices.

Never feel like you have to stay with him because he has no one else, you need to think about yourself and your daughter. Has he made any attempts to get help? Or admitted it is an issue?

Stay strong xx

[annie09]

Hi Jadeem,

He has admitted to having a problem and intends to do CA. Which I think could save him, but we’ve been here before, and the addiction always wins.

Hes been to rehab, done CA and has had a bit of therapy. I’m not sure what will save him.

I think he still thinks it’s a party, and it’s not, he’s stealing, hanging out with prostitutes getting himself in so much debt, and sitting in a dark room, incredibly paranoid.

It’s just the cheating that’s really done it for me. I want to help him recover, I understand that it wasnt his choice to become a drug addict, but I dont understand how you can cheat on someone when they’re already in so much pain. It was drug fueled, but I never thought he would be capable of that.

Thank you so much for your message, its nice not to feel so alone and have other people who understand xx

[stan4]

I am responding to your message as a person addicted to both alcohol and cocaine.

Cocaine is an awful drug. It destroys your ability to make decisions, it removes your ability to weigh-up consequences. You become the worst version of yourself.

If your partner shows no interest in saving himself or you and your family, get out.

I have so much sympathy for those who end up as collateral damage to this condition x

[annie09]

Hi Stan,

Thank you for your reply.

He did say that it’s like having 2 versions of himself and he never meant to do it, he was in cocaine mode and didnt think about anyone else. Is that a true representation of how it works?

And he has said he has a problem, he says he will be doing CA and that’s it now. However this is just the cycle and it could be empty promises. I believe everyone can get clean, it may just take a while.

He’s never rude, or mean, and I know that he loves our daughter and wants to get better, but I think his addiction is also telling him that he wants to carry on until he cant anymore.

Thank you for your message, I really really appreciate it. It helps me to understand.

I hope you’re getting the help you need x

[stan4]

You’re right to be cautious about the cycle. It is a behaviour which repeats. I can be as tempted to use it when I’m feeling well as when I’m feeling down. The addiction sneaks up on you, before taking you hostage.

He’s got to try and break this cycle, and if he gives it 100%, and if he remains open and honest, then he possibly deserves your love and support.

Not sure where my recovery is at the moment but it’s helping to engage with the families of other abusers. It helps me see to the damage I’m inflicting on my family.

[annie09]

Hi,

What do you mean it sneaks up? As in you get the thought in your head and it suddenly takes hold? You dont have to answer as I understand its tough, I’m just trying to understand so I know how to support as I dont know why he doesn’t talk to me when it comes into his head and I could remind him why not to do it.

I think you’re taking a really positive step, it must be so hard to read how families are coping. And trying to help them as well. It’s a courageous thing to do, you seem determined and I hope you have people around to help you?

[stan4]

i can’t speak for anyone else but my addiction sneaked up on me.

I worked in London as a finance broker through my 20s. I earned a fortune and lived the high life. I have always liked a drink and I have always been a social user of cocaine. But i could take or leave it, and I often would. I certainly didn’t consider doing it when I wasn’t partying with friends.

That has changed during the last 12 months. I have become dependant on both alcohol and cocaine. This has sneaked up on me – the control has switched from me to the addiction – I just didn’t see this coming.

I am happy and healthy with the most beautiful wife and children.

Regarding associated behaviour, I haven’t been unfaithful to my wife but I have found myself gambling more than I ever half. Fortunately i realised before it was too late that i really didn’t need another addiction.

The cocaine drives you towards risk and thrill. The consequences just don’t seem real.

None of this is an excuse, my wife is trying to support me but i can see the hurt in her eyes. She’s exhausted with worry. The children too – I noticed my youngest daughter has tucked a photo of me holding her as a baby, on her bed side table.

Heartbreaking.

[notmyrealname]

I think you are doing really well to acknowledge the problem and talk about it. Being honest with yourself is surely the most important step in dealing with the problem.

[lece13]

Hi Annie

I can relate to your story. My partner has been battling a cocaine addiction for over 10 years. We have 3 children and I found out in january that he had been cheating on me for 5 months! I’ve found escort numbers on his phone too.

I know exactly how you feel. To think all the support I have given him over the years and he has done this to me. Its one thing dealing with the addiction but cheating is a whole different level.

I do question whether or not he would have done it if it wasn’t for the drugs, but then again he was conscious of what he was doing when he was picking her up, texting and meeting her when he wasn’t high. I do believe cocaine completely changes a person and he is no longer the person I fell in love with. However, this still doesn’t stop me from loving the person he was and not wanting to let go of him. It’s such a hard battle for families not just the addict. You hope that some day they will wake up but I’m still waiting and tbh I don’t think there is anyway of moving forward from the betrayal.

[annie09]

I just dont understand the escort service? It’s just disgusting how you could pay for it when you have so much love and connection at home? Being on cocaine and it completely changing you is the only excuse he has, and I sort of get that, but how can you ever trust and regain physical intimacy after that?

Prostitutes and drugs come hand in hand, so I know that’s the easiest way to get them, but it makes me become an extremely paranoid and crazy person. I dont know how you can trust them after that.

I know how you feel, they were sober when they made the plans, they must know how it would end up. I dont know if we’re fools for wanting them still or just really good, optimistic people. Drugs change people, but you hear the success stories and you hope.

I think if they changed right now and did everything in their power to change and to make it up to you then its worth it. If they show they really love you. I hope your husband does that for you. Being a single mum is scary, being in a toxic relationship is scarier. But you cant switch off from loving someone, despite everything I still want him to get better and to come back to how we were, as I’m sure you do. I dont know what we can do. But with the world changing and opening, it seems like a good time for an ending and a new beginning or a completely fresh start

[lece13]

I know me neither. When I questioned him about the escort numbers in his phone his response was its not what u think, so what is it then? He no longer opens up about how he feels. Tbh it is like he has no feelings. All his emotions and empathy have disappeared. The drug has eaten away at him. He has tried NA meetings, the 12 steps and even had a great sponsor. None of which have given him the ability to keep fighting. It is like he has completely given up now.

The last 18 months have been the hardest. Previously he managed regular cycles of staying clean for 6 – 8 wks before relapsing, and when he did he usually pulled himself together within a couple of weeks. Now he is on it either every day or every other day.

His mam barely recognises him as he is so distant with her.

What hurts the most along with the cheating is the lack of interest he now shows in his 3 children. He can go over a wk without a txt or phone call to see how they are.

If you don’t mind me asking and you sharing did your partner tell you he had been cheating or did u find out? Has he showed remorse and regret? Mine did show some remorse to an extent but not what I was expecting. Not sure if this is because he is constantly using, so it is blocking his feelings. To me it’s just like he wants to brush it under the carpet and not talk about it, yet it is all I can think of.

Every day I dont hear from him I am thinking is he with another woman. He claims he fell for this girl but its over now. He was drinking and using when he was with her something that I would never encourage or do with him. I am aware he wasn’t with her all the time when he disappeared as some weeks she didn’t see him. I understand from others that cocaine and sexual desires can come in hand with one another, so now I am constantly thinking he is with another woman when I don’t here from him or the escorts! Not just because he is using cocaine.

I wish it was easy and I could just walk away and never look back. 17 years we have been together. He is all I have know. I’ve tried so hard to help and support him, but I feel now I can do no more. Its like grieving for a person that is still alive in front of me but he is not the same person inside that body.

[icarus-trust]

Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I’m sorry to see how much your partner’s addiction has hurt you. I’m glad you have found this forum but if you want any more help please contact us at Icarus Trust.we are a charity that offers support to people dealing with addiction in their family. if you contact us one of our trained and experienced Family Friends would be in touch with you. They would listen and let you know what support we could offer you. May be that would help you to find a way forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[gcr]

Hi Annie,

I’d love to hear how you’ve been a year on.

I have been suffering so much.

My boyfriend and I have known eachother for about 15 years because we’re family friends. Over the past 5 years we were more than friends, working out if we would be more. We did become more and we spoke about us being together forever and how glad we were that we made it.

Last year he told me he had been suffering from a cocaine addiction over the last couple years. We were still able to function ‘normally’ as the addiction didn’t seem to interrupt our relationship too much.

I never judged him, I straight away supported him and did everything I could to make sure he knew he was loved. The addiction escalated and really took hold of his life from July-Sept last year. He would mostly suffer from the lows and wouldn’t be able to get out of bed.

He went to rehab in Oct 2021, saying that I was the reason he wanted to fight for his life. He came home with the same determination to kick the addiction, but realised it would take 100% of his energy. We agreed on space on our relationship so he could focus on recovery and when strong enough we would rebuild. The space was for the goal that we’d be together st the end of it, so not broken up.

I agreed to this ultimate sacrifice for the sake of our future, we wouldn’t have been able to have one at all if he relapsed and died. I couldn’t risk taking away his focus from his recovery.

I found out two weeks ago (through our family friend connections) that he is expecting a baby, next month. This means he cheated on me before he went to rehab.

I never thought he’d do this to me, he could hardly get out of bed at the time this would’ve happened. I’m in shock. I’m also so hurt that he has allowed me to ‘wait for him’ this whole time and still won’t talk to me.

He says he is working through it with his sponsor. So I just have to wait? My world has been destroyed, he would’ve known this day was coming for months so has had the time to get his head around it.

I’m so hurt, and so sad that we won’t have a future anymore. He has ruined any chance of that.

As far as I know, he isn’t with the girl which makes me feel slightly better. I wouldn’t have been able to cope if they were already playing happy families.

I just wish he would stop being so selfish for a second and let me sort to heal. He knows I’m going away for a few months, and if I don’t hear from him before then.. I’ll have to rehash it all later on.

All advice welcome

Grace x

[Author]

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