[emmy]

Hi, I’m new here. My husband is an addict. We’re no longer together but we have 3 children together. We’ve been separated for about 2 yrs now.

He uses crack cocaine, cocaine, cannabis, alcohol and he gambles.

At the moment hes got 10hrs a week supervised contact with the kids.

The whole situation is really stressful for everyone involved. The kids will happily go sometimes and sometimes they will refuse. A member of his family supervises but I don’t really trust them. They have always underplayed his addictions and I’m so worried they’ll leave him unsupervised with the kids.

In between contact times he shows no interest in the kids. He doesn’t message or phone or play xbox online with them.

I really worry about the kids thinking their dads addiction is “normal” and will be more likely to try drugs themselves when they are older.

He still denies the extent of his addiction even though I’ve got drug tests to prove it. He said he would attend counselling but then failed to turn up to his appointments. He’s made no effort to get better. He’s still in “Pre-contemplation”.

For the kids sake I think it would be better to stop contact. At least until he makes a change to get help. But I’m terrified that if I stop contact that he will spiral and possibly get much worse.

My questions are ; Has anyone taken full custody of your kids and stopped all contact? What happened?

Are there any children of addicts that can give their own perspective on what to do?

[bluebell]

My ex husband is a functioning addict. My kids know he takes drugs and my eldest son is absolutely anti drugs. It can actually work the other way. Which is good as he once said he wants to be the first person to smoke weed with them ???? That’s if he actually felt so inclined after I have cut his balls off.

[shannon]

I assume, although they may not be that Children’s Services are already involved as he is having supervised contact. Why was the supervised contact put in place?

How old are your children, what do they want?

Do you feel that they are emotionally affected by having contact with him, if so how?

Have you discussed your concerns with the ‘allocated worker.’ (if there is one).

I cannot imagine how hard it is for you and you obviously want what is best for your children, why do you think stopping contact should happen?

Finally, you are not responsible for your husbands behaviour (I know its hard its human nature to want to help/ change things ). I’m sure you want to keep the staus quo, not feel that you have caused the spiral. He is an adult and can make choices however ‘unwise’ they maybe.

My experience is that sometimes people do have to reach crisis point before they will make any changes.

Addiction is an awful thing for everyone affected. At the end of the day we are role models for our children, if they are at an age where you can talk to them, then involve them, talk through your concerns. Are they concerned, what do they want?

A child’s perspective:

I didn’t like seeing my mum at agreed times. I wanted us to be a ‘normal’ family. It was embarrassing, I had to lie about my mum to friends. I loved my mum, but I wanted the mum back, when she was a part of our lives like my friends mum’s. I missed that mum. I didn’t really know what was going on until I was alot older. It’s awful but she had no motivation to change and I felt very helpless. Looking back I would not have wanted not to see her, but it broke my heart.

[Author]

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