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My partner of 18 years came home last year and told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and he was leaving. I was so confused and devastated by this. I had noticed for a while that his behaviours had changed and he seemed angry all the time. He also went out most weekends leaving me alone itgbtge kids. I did ask him why he was so angry all the time but he always closed down on me. He gave me reasons for not being in love with me anymore because I was studying and only working part time, he was under pressure at work, we didn’t do anything together and he felt we had grown apart. I knew we were busy within our lives and did spend less time with one another but the whole point in studying was to get a better paying job so we were able to buy a bigger home. Anyway a week later he disclosed that he had been using cocaine for 7 years and had been continuously using it every weekend with the people he worked with for the last past 3/4 years. He has cried to me saying he knows he has anger issues and that he feels nothing for anyone. He said he hates himself regarding everything he has ever done in his life and for the guilt of lying to me for years. Long story but to cut it short he has begged me to take him back, he told me he only said he wasn’t in love with me anymore because his head was messed up with drugs. He’s also told me he has never cheated on me and stated that he can’t get an erection on cocaine. He’s also said lots of horrible stuff to me such as he’s thought about picking up a table and smashing it over my head, told me he would only come back for kids and leave me again anyway, told me he watches lots of porn, told me he’s been trying to dig some dirt up on me by searching for me on social media sites to ease his own guilt. I took him back and tried to help him but he continues to use cocaine and lied and manipulated me. Doctor appointments were made, counselling was offered and I even offered 14k out our house to check him into a private rehab but he refused. He has taken it whilst in house with kids, he’s had in in our home and he tried to take my kids into his car when he had been drinking. The last straw was when he came home after a night out with make up all over his top and when I challenge him on it he didn’t like it and told me he only came back for kids and not me and telling me that he was in love with me was lies. I’m now in the position of going through a lawyer to sell the house and stop him from seeing kids, my kids know everything and did not wnat to see him now. He’s started going to gym and said he’s staying clear of pubs and his friends but it’s all around him as his friends all do it and so does his family members so I know it won’t last and he’ll get back on it again. He told me he wants to continue using it but also wants to see his kids so he’s told me he wants the double life.
I know my story is very similar to most of you all and I just can’t believe how he has turned on me because if he’s just fell out of love with me why is he putting me through all this heartache and saying such degrading things to me and going off his head when other men have spoken to me
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It sounds like hes made his choice what he likes more. Im doing my best to stop coke. I hate the stuff and im lapsing once every 3 or 4 weeks. Maybe you should do whats the best for you and the kids now. I would.
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Thanks. I wouldnt take any more crap off him tho.
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Hi there. Your story could have been identical to mine. My husband is now in recovery from all drugs, 5 months clean. His personality is back to pre drug days, although for this to happen it had to take lots of fights, stopping, starting etc. He had to get to a point where his life was getting worse by continuing his drug use.
Everything you said was my life and worse. My husband told me he didn’t love me or the kids as he had no feelings for anyone. I thought he was having a midlife crisis, turns out it was a hidden 5 year coke addiction. I’d been with my hubby 16 years, we were so in love, and happy until Coke came into our relationship. He started calling me horrible names? Saying I was a slag years ago, now I know this was all projection as he felt bad about what he was doing so needed to find stuff on me, there was nothing so he had to make stuff up, plus the drug made him a paranoid freak!
Our fights were explosive, I’d accuse him, he’d deny it, this would anger me more til I would throw him out. He’d then come back and then the cycle would continue. Eventually I turned violent towards him as he used in our home with our kids and I caught him. He’d done it for years behind my back whilst we were in bed but I never knew. He then started trying to move on by adding loads of women on fb telling them all I was abusive and he hadn’t loved me for years, luckily they could all see what a mess he was and rejected his advances. This was all so out of character as my husband idolises me and had doted on me and the kids since I met him.
Basically what I’m trying to say is that what your husband has done is typical behaviour of most coke or just addicts in general. The drug changes them, the need to prioritise the drug changes everything. They become monsters, it’s all so sad! The more they take and the longer they take it for the worse their behaviour will be.
I know everyone says it, but leave him to it, because until you do nothing will change. I had to back up on my promise to leave and not speak to my husband at all for him to decide to change. He said he thought I was bluffing like I always had. The last time though I’d had enough.
Tell him he can’t have both, if he wants to see his kids you want a 3 month clean hair strand test. Tell him to take you to court. He might get worse before better. You’ll know when he’s fully stopped though.
Good luck xx
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Yes I had him back. Whilst he is trying I’m prepared to give him the chance, however if it comes to it that he’s slipping back I think it will be time to walk.
I’ve had to have lots of counselling both as a couple and on my own. It’s hard to forget all the crap! But I know if I want it to work I Have to try. I think I only have as before drugs my husband was the most loving, loyal and most selfless person you could meet, none of this behaviour was him, it was all drugs. I’m annoyed that he was silly enough to touch the horrible stuff In the first place but I know he wouldn’t have ever dreamed that it would have got so bad!
Everyone’s situation is different, I definitely wouldn’t stay with an active addict though.
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Hi,
So sorry to read what a difficult time you’re having coping with your partner’s behaviour towards you due to his addiction. You are obviously a very strong person and taking action through your lawyer to move on.
If you would like some more support for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people going through what you are.. We know how difficult this is and have trained and experienced people you could talk with if you think that would help.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrst.org
all the best to you.
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