[pink-shadow]

I’m really struggling to cope, I found out about a month ago that my partner of 19 years has been using coke. It all came to a head after I found an empty bag on the kitchen floor (must have fallen out his pocket) he denied all knowledge about it which then lead me to question our 16 yr son. After this I got more suspicious, I opened a letter which I though was his bank statement, turns out it was a credit card that I didn’t know about with nearly £1000 in cash withdrawals in 10 days. It was then I knew! I asked him and he confessed he’s been buying coke. I was devastated and he said he would stop and that it was a one off binge. I found lots of empty bags there was 20 in his van, 5 in random pockets and 3 more in the wheelie bin! The following weekend he went out and came home with white powder around his nostril I took a pic and showed him. He denied it was Cocaine and that it was probably ash from a bonfire he had been at. Any way fast forward a couple of weeks and in that time I have found rolled up paper tubes in his vehicles, a peice of paper which he didn’t know I had clocked that he put in his pocket to use later. Lots of sniffing coming from the bathroom. But the penultimate was a line I caught him with on the kitchen side. I asked him there and then and he still denied it was coke so I put it on my finger and put it on my tongue. It tasted vile and numbed my tongue and not once did he attempt to stop me. And he is still denying it when it is as clear as day! I can’t cope with the lies. We have 4 kids together and I don’t want our world blown apart but I can’t be with him all the time he is lying and still doing it. He hasn’t even acknowledged he has a problem he thinks he can stop at the drop of a hat, I know he can’t but he just can’t see it. If he wanted to get help I would be with him every step of the way as I do love him so much but my health is suffering and I feel like I don’t want to be here I can’t even function properly. I don’t know where to turn or what to do.

[kel1]

Ive read your post and it makes me feel really sad because sadly I’ve been through this myself and still going thru it.

When you say you don’t want to be here, I am assuming this situation? Although I get it, it’s so emotive that it can overwhelm you totally. Me and my now ex was together for 22 years and I loved him with all my heart. Sadly though we separated because of the lies, deceitfulness and all the negative behaviour that comes along with it. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, verbally abused and accused/blamed that it’s all my fault. In the end I had a break down hence why we ended.

I couldn’t function initially, however six months down the line I’m back to work. I’m not recovered as I think it will take years.

COCAINE destroys people, it changes them into a pit of never ending destruction.

Try to detach if possible, talk to friends and family, please don’t isolate yourself as this is his shame and not yours.

There is no point reacting to an addict active in it because it’s like hitting your head against a brick wall. They will lie and lie and lie.

None of this is your fault. You can ask him to see his GP and steer him in the direction of his local Drug service but in honesty he has to want to get help himself.

[pink-shadow]

Thank you for replying, I have been reading lots on this forum. It’s what has given me the realisation that this sadly ends nearly all relationships.

I am fortunate that he has identified that he has caused me this damage but sadly can’t/won’t do anything to help the situation. He has never been nasty towards me, it’s just the lies and deceit but that’s enough.

Trying to detach is where I am struggling, we work together from our home as he has his own business and I’m employed by him. And we have our children together. I just can’t see a way forward at the moment. I told him last night that I can’t go on with this relationship as it’s destroying me. But know we need time to work our how we are going to separate to spare our children as much pain as possible, amazingly they have no idea we are having problems!

I haven’t argued with him I’ve tried to be more matter of fact and agreed to disagree on most things although inside I am screaming.

At the moment I know suggesting he speaks with his GP is pointless, he so convinced there isn’t an issue. I have told him on several occasions that if ever he wants help I will be there for him without judgement, which is all I think I can do!

It just all so heart breaking

[ash2013]

Coke is called the sly drug, and thats exactly what it is. You think you have it under control, then BOOM you havent, and there’s nothing you can do about it, and at the time you are in complete denial that there is a problem. The fact that you think he has a problem, and he doesnt is enough. If its a problem for you, then its a problem.

Its really for you to work out whether you can live in it, or whether you can demand an ultimatum. If he’s not an addict he wont have a problem stopping, my guess is, he won’t want to try because in his current state of mind, he’s not addicted and you’re blowing things out of proportion right?

I feel empathy for what you are going through, and I hope you find a way through this, sending hugs

[pink-shadow]

You are right he does think that I’m blowing it out of proportion, he can’t seem to get his head around how emotional it has made me. I haven’t argued or screamed and shouted at him. I feel kind of sorry for him, feel sad that he has got himself into this predicament. He is not a bad person, he has made bad choices and I’ve got to remember that they were his choices to make. I just don’t feel strong enough to make proper decisions so the only thing I think I can do is to let him go, but it’s really not what I want. Finding this forum really has made me feel less alone thank you for replying

[ash2013]

Not all relationships end Pink Shadow. I’m still with my recovering husband. And he has been an addict for about 10 years, used recreationally to start with then when stressful things happened it gets out of control.

My husband is 5 months clean now, I feel like i’ve been here before, because I have, but the good times are great. He also now sees what his ‘mates’ are like, many of them have massive problems, like he did and he sees that they are not nice people.

Take some time to think about what you want, I stayed because I know theres a good man inside all the crap, although part of me also stayed through fear of what would happen if I didn’t, which I appreciate isnt a good reason, but as we have a child together I didnt want to be the reason why she didnt have a relationship with her dad.

Take care and have a good weekend

[pink-shadow]

I desperately want to save our relationship for me and our kids but I don’t think that will be possible until he takes stock and realises that he has an addiction, I don’t think I can cope being dragged along for the ride. As it is he popped out to get his van cleaned at 6pm and still hasn’t returned and it’s nearly 1 am! I know where he is and who he is with which probably means he is on it tonight. Just makes me so angry how he can carry on fine when I am a sobbing mess worried what the future may look like.

[ash2013]

Oh Pink Shadow, I feel for you. I really do.

Do what is right for you, you deserve to live a happy and content life. It’s so unfair that your happiness is dictated by someone else’s actions.

Here for you whenever you need me x

[pink-shadow]

Thank you, I have been talking to people at DrugFAM which I think is helping me put things into perspective. At the weekend he had coke and rolled up paper in his pocket which I noticed, he handed it over to me for me to dispose of, and in that moment it felt like a turning point. However the next day I found some as in his van as I got in, we had our son with us and I ask him before we got in the van if he had any in there he promised he didn’t. He claims he ‘forgot’ it was there! I disposed of that too. I’m worried that he is putting the kids at risk, in the sense of them finding it, or seeing him doing it and I really don’t want social service getting involved. I just don’t understand how he can be so selfish!

On Tuesday I was a total wreck, i was so anxious I was struggling to breathe, when he got in from work I told him how I’d been feeling and he said he would go and just come back later to stay on the sofa. I couldn’t do that so told him he had to go and find somewhere else to stay. I was hoping he would come back and try getting clean. But by the looks of it he has been out with his mate having fun. It’s all just so unfair! I hate living in limbo not knowing where I am heading.

The kids have asked where he is and I have just had to tell them that I didn’t know as i have no idea where he is staying, I can’t lie to them. I am thinking of explaining what’s going on to my nearly 17y son. But really not sure if I should or not.

[ash2013]

Hi Pink Shadow,

Bless you, you had hope and then it vanished. Its so unfair on you, because it will feel like he’s totally disrespecting you, and he is. Although the mental addiction is so strong that you have to remember that this is not your fault, he can’t help it. Obviously at some point some people have a lightbulb moment and realise what they are doing and that they are just this drugs slave now. They get to the point that its not enjoyable, they need it to be normal. I dont know if your chap is anywhere near that point, its difficult to tell, and they rarely admit it. It usually takes other people to point it out to them, and if he’s surrounded by coke heads, then that wont happen.

Re your 17 year old, just remember what you tell cannot be untold. So it may get to the point that he wants to stop, but then your 17 year old will be different towards him, and therefore that’ll be a reason not to bother. You dont know how the 17 year old will react. I can’t answer that for you, I never told my now 18 year old about my husband’s addiction as it would have destroyed the relationship they have, although tbh that isnt that strong anyway.

Just look after number one – YOU, don’t worry about him, make him aware you are there, but you arent going to be there if he carries on with this. He has a choice to make.

Sending hugs x

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