[emma123]

To cut a long story short I discovered on Boxing Day that my boyfriend has been using cocaine for around a year – Started recreationally & started to spiral out of control around August time – it only came out because he crashed his vehicle in December & then proceeded to go on a 6 week bender due to being off work – he basically built himself a crack den in the garden shed – I found drugs on him but he lied so well I believed him – I found that he’d been constantly messaging other women on his phone & had slept with a prostitute – he tried to blame it all on a mental breakdown (which I do think has led up to this) until I finally caught him snorting the stuff. From the information I gathered he’s now got a £200 habit a day, all his savings are gone, he’s up to his eyeballs in debt & is still in denial – he’s convinced his family he’s no longer using (I told them a week after I found out as he wouldn’t stop) I know for a fact he still is, he’s now just a ghost of who he was, it’s horrific to see & his health is shocking, I’m surprised he’s got a nose left, it’s constantly bleeding & he looks like a skeleton. I’ve seen him go through stages of paranoia, psychosis, depression, you name it. He’s due back at work tomorrow which I can’t see lasting long – but I can’t help but feel guilty about the situation – after I found out the tsunami of lies, deceit & manipulation was unbearable- I lost a stone in 3 weeks & the fact that he’s convinced his family there is nothing wrong & that I’m crazy I had enough- I broke up with him & handed in the notice to our house (obviously he is livid – but it’s because I’ve taken away his place to use & he will have to go back to his parents) I’m finding it really hard to deal with as his family & friends have all implied I’ve made things worse by breaking up with him & handing the notice in – but I’m the only one that seems to understand the extent of it & he needs to be at home under the supervision of his parents & needs proper help! I’ve been made the scapegoat for the whole situation & it’s such a massive kick in the teeth when all I’ve tried to do it help & literally worshipped the ground he walked on! We had an amazing relationship until this drug stole him away from me but I could never trust him again & I know for a fact he’s still using & in denial. I just want reassurance I’ve done the right thing really, I’ve told him I’ll always love him & be there for him if he decides to get help but it’s a waste of my breath, all he thinks about is drugs & sex. So, so sad, he was such a proud, good person. Never in a million years did I think this could happen to me 🙁

[danman83]

Hiya, hope your OK. I’m the same as your and I’m 4 week clean today. I decided to join C A anonymous 4 week ago and got a sponsor and now I’m working my steps. I’ve never felt so happy, I know it’s a long way to go, but I’m on the right track.

My addiction has been going on 10 year, but it’s been once every few week or once a week. It did get a bit bad recently. Like I didn’t need use alcohol to get coke and other things. He seems like he has a really bad habit. Would he not join CA?

But he needs to admit he has a problem 1st, and put the effort in.

But going back to your question. I don’t think you have done anything wrong. If anything you have cut him off while it’s still early. Women will tell you on here they have been with there partners for years and still it’s same shit dif day.

You have your own health to worry about. His family need to support him and guide him. None of it is your fault. Its easy for an addict to blame someone. But at the end of the day we got our self’s in this mess, time to get ourselfs out of it.

If he wants to stop, he needs delete everyone out his phone even family who have coke, and that’s just the start. Does he want to stop?

[emma123]

Thank you for your reply & well done on the 4 week mark!!! He was going through stages of remorse & saying he wanted to stop & had become a monster but then he’d just use again the next day, it’s almost like he’s crating his own reality now which bears no resemblance to what’s actually going on & wont talk about the drugs at all, just says he’s stopped & it’s all mental health related (yet won’t do anything about either issue). His parents are very old fashioned & don’t understand it at all, they put him on house arrest for 5 days & thought that magically cured him! – and I know he was still using then when I went round! They just desperately want to believe their son & trying to explain to them that isn’t who they are dealing with any more has just ended up in them basically thinking I’m mad! (Plus my ex is going out of his way to make it look like I am & I’m the awful one & posting horrible things on social media implying I’m the one to blame for the break up) – god only knows what he’s been saying in person. It’s so hurtful when all I’ve ever done is love him & give him everything. It’s so sad how it happened, he was very anti drugs, I think he tried it one night & then a few more times & then started using it as a coping mechanism for stress & it’s snowballed from there – he’s been a functioning addict for about 9 months I think but it’s got to the point now I don’t think he’ll be able to hide it For long when he goes back to work (he’s had 6 weeks off after the car accident & literally went completely off the rails on the coke doing it all day every day) I don’t think he knows what planet he’s on half the time. He won’t leave our rental property either, thank god there’s only two weeks left on lease, today I called in & he had all 4 gas rings on, the oven with a cremated pizza, the house was like a sauna & he was asleep upstairs with his pants round his ankles & mobile in his hand. It’s painful to see but there’s no point in telling his parents as they just believe whatever he tells them

[emma123]

Thank you for your reply & well don’t on the 4 week mark! He was going through stages of remorse & saying he wanted to stop & had become a monster but then he’d just use again the next day, it’s almost like he’s crating his own reality now which bears no resemblance to what’s actually going on & wont talk about the drugs at all, just says he’s stopped & it’s all mental health related (yet won’t do anything about either issue). His parents are very old fashioned & don’t understand it at all, they put him on house arrest for 5 days & thought that magically cured him! – and I know he was still using then when I went round! They just desperately want to believe their son & trying to explain to them that isn’t who they are dealing with any more has just ended up in them basically thinking I’m mad! (Plus my ex is going out of his way to make it look like I am & I’m the awful one & posting horrible things on social media implying I’m the one to blame for the break up) – god only knows what he’s been saying in person. It’s so hurtful when all I’ve ever done is love him & give him everything. It’s so sad how it happened, he was very anti drugs, I think he tried it one night & then a few more times & then started using it as a coping mechanism for stress & it’s snowballed from there – he’s been a functioning addict for about 9 months I think but it’s got to the point now I don’t think he’ll be able to hide it For long when he goes back to work (he’s had 6 weeks off after the car accident & literally went completely off the rails on the coke doing it all day every day) I don’t think he knows what planet he’s on half the time. He won’t leave our rental property either, thank god there’s only two weeks left on lease, today I called in & he had all 4 gas rings on, the oven with a cremated pizza, the house was like a sauna & he was asleep upstairs with his pants round his ankles & mobile in his hand. It’s painful to see but there’s no point in telling his parents as they just believe whatever he tells them

[emma123]

Well done*

[posie]

Hi Harley, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this but you’ve shown amazing strength in walking away. I wish I could be strong enough to do it too and I’m building towards that. It’s not your fault and I know you feel, my husbands family and friends also refuse to accept there’s a problem and say ‘everyone does it’. I’ve spoken to Danman previously and he gives great advice from the other perspective. I believe also that unless they see a problem, seek help and want to stop nothing will change I’m afraid. You need to focus on yourself at the moment and work on your life and your happiness

[emma123]

Thank you for your message! Deep down I know I’m doing the right thing – and the best thing for him but it’s so hard when you feel like everyone is against you when they don’t understand or acknowledge the true scale of things. I feel guilty that I only gave it two weeks after finding out but it was long enough to realise he had no intention of changing & his supposed efforts were just lies & manipulation (plus I could then understand & make sense of the last 12 months of all his bizzare behaviour) – if he could have stopped on his own like he claims – he would have done so already. Thank god I’m a very strong & independent person with a great support network because I don’t know how I would cope – I’m in bits as it is – it was all such a shock but then at then same time a relief – it now all makes sense. At least I just had to get rid of the house & there’s no marriage or kids involved- I can imagine that makes things 10000 times worse. I hope you’re okay yourself & I’m always happy to talk if you need someone who understands- it’s supersizing how many of us there are out there & how many lives that evil drug has devastated. The same goes to you – you need to think of yourself & your own health & happiness – we only get one life – my ex has ruined his & I won’t let him take me down with him no matter how much I love him. It was great to hear from Danman & hear things from the other side – gives you a really good insight & it’s lovely of him to try & help us all x

[posie]

Yes it’s heartbreaking isn’t it because you didn’t want to leave the person, it’s the choices the person is making that make you leave. It’s also hard because when we love someone we try harder than we should in hopes we’ll be enough for them but it doesn’t work that way.

[retroheadz]

Hi Harleyxx1,

I hope I can offer you some advice from all my shitty years of experience in this shitty world! Anyway, I’m familiar with your pain and understand what your feeling so let me start by saying your absolutely not a professional drugs councillor or a mental health therapist I’m guessing? So please don’t feel like you have failed and certainly don’t let anyone else make you feel like you have failed him. Cocaine has the grip of a vice and sadly your boyfriend picked his addiction like many other have done. You will never be to blame and self blame for a loved ones actions is perfectly natural but obviously not justified so try something different.

I have read your story and your actions so far are very much organised and well thought out, you sound caring, understanding and loving but you can’t save someone who needs professional help. 1000% it’s only a matter of time before his family and loved ones discover his ongoing addiction I’ve seen it many time before, and all you need to do is stay supportive amicable but distance yourself for your own health. I can absolutely guarantee you that you have done everything in your power and more so please don’t feel guilty! Your never going to please everyone around you and as long as you stay healthy during all this horrible situation you should be able to deal with it better. He’s made poor choices and you can not stop that and he can’t fix it or himself unless he commits and admits to everyone. I doubt he’s ready for that so for now removing yourself from this is the best thing you can do, love is really cruel and sticking by someone even after they have make terrible terrible choices is difficult but doing it with an addiction in the middle is utterly impossible so don’t try it. You sound like a beautiful person who wants nothing more than a beautiful life so you stick to that philosophy and don’t let anyone interfere with it. Drugs sex and alcohol sounds great until you grow up and realise you have responsibilities and at that point your an addict who has no sex life and drink every night. Let’s hope he can get the professional help he needs. Take care and good luck

[emma123]

Thank you, I really needed to read that this morning. He messaged me tugging on the heartstrings this morning & within an hour he was calling me an effing cu*t & saying you don’t leave someone you love. I know he’s just after a reaction & I never give him one other than saying I’ll be there for him when he gets professional help, he’s desperate for bullets to fire but I have to see the behaviour for what it is. He’s also back at work so I expect on an absolute vile comedown & knows he can’t arouse suspicions at work so is aiming it at me. I can’t wait to be out the picture so he can move on to someone & something else so this nightmare all comes out in the open. I called round to our house this morning (you can imagine the state of it) & he’s now installed a spy ware camera!!! Unbelievable. I just can’t wait for this all to be over & try to get my life back on track. I feel so bad for people who’ve been on this rollercoaster for years, that drug is hell on earth & turns good men in to the devil.

[retroheadz]

I can tell you have this! even though I don’t know you i can tell you have sectioned your feelings and thankfully you haven’t let love rule what you needed to do, and living a normal and healthy life without all this horrible shit around you just makes sense. You can offer him support but ya can’t fix him so let the pros and family help him. He will try everything in the book from social media, cctv to calling you a Hunt to crying at your door! Stay focused and strong and if people don’t want to be part of your HAPPY & HEALTH program then be nice, polite and supportive but firm. Your one of the clever ones ????

[emma123]

Thank you! Needed to read that today, I’ve felt awful, been in tears for most of the day but I know I’ve got to stay strong & all this will pass. It’s the worst emotional rollercoaster, I’ve gone from feeling like my best friend has died, to anger, hurt, upset, embarrassment, shame, Jealousy, you name it – and I miss him, I miss the man he was & our perfect life – but I know this is way bigger than anything I can do & sadly I think rock bottom will only be the way for him & his family to realise the true extent of it. I’m just dreading his next move now until the house is gone, I have all sorts going through my head – where he’s going to move to (& who with), what he’s planning next, what lies he’s telling people & about me – it makes you as crazy as they are! I want to contact him but at the same time I know it’s pointless & I’m trying to keep myself out the picture, he’s already convinced himself I’ve put spyware on his phone (like I’d know where to start!) & I suspect that’s why he’s put the camera in the house – his paranoia is through the roof & I need to keep distancing myself. How people live like this long term I’ll never know, I feel so sad when I read others stories x

[danman83]

Ye it makes you do crazy things coke. He sounds like he’s been on it longer than 9 month. But it effects everyone different. My gf just tells me say no to it, but it’s not as simple as that.

You are best off out of there if it makes you happy. He needs to fix himself before anything else.

[retroheadz]

Hi Emma, I’m sure you do want to contact him and it’s naturally part of the process of distancing yourself. Prepare yourself for some horrible behaviour from him and I’m sure he will wave other girls under your nose at some point, trying to hurt you and with him feeling so paranoid will be standard practice for him. It must be really hard for you too because your sober! and you have lost the love ❤️ which I know can be like a knife in your chest. But, it’s never ever going to be the same because he’s probably said some terrible things and done some even worse things so please try and stay brave and carry on like you are being ???????? leave him to try and make the decision to get clean or end up lost. As soon as the house is handed over that will help. ???? x

[retroheadz]

Hi Emma123 , I’m sure you do want to contact him and it’s naturally part of the process of distancing yourself. Prepare yourself for some horrible behaviour from him and I’m sure he will wave other girls under your nose at some point, trying to hurt you and with him feeling so paranoid will be standard practice for him. It must be really hard for you too because your sober! and you have lost the love ❤️which I know can be like a knife in your chest. But, it’s never ever going to be the same because he’s probably said some terrible things and done some even worse things so please try and stay brave and carry on like you are being ???????? leave him to try and make the decision to get clean or end up lost. As soon as the house is handed over that will help. ???? x

[retroheadz]

Hi Emma123 , I’m sure you do want to contact him and it’s naturally part of the process of distancing yourself. Prepare yourself for some horrible behaviour from him and I’m sure he will wave other girls under your nose at some point, trying to hurt you and with him feeling so paranoid will be standard practice for him. It must be really hard for you too because your sober! and you have lost the love which I know can be like a knife in your chest. But, it’s never ever going to be the same because he’s probably said some terrible things and done some even worse things so please try and stay brave and carry on like you are being ???????? leave him to try and make the decision to get clean or end up lost. As soon as the house is handed over that will help. ???? x

[retroheadz]

Hi Emma123 , I’m sure you do want to contact him and it’s naturally part of the process of distancing yourself. Prepare yourself for some horrible behaviour from him and I’m sure he will wave other girls under your nose at some point, trying to hurt you and with him feeling so paranoid will be standard practice for him. It must be really hard for you too because your sober! and you have lost the love which I know can it can be like a knife in your chest. But, it’s never ever going to be the same because he’s probably said some terrible things and done some even worse things so please try and stay brave and carry on like you are being Strong so leave him to try and make the decision to get clean or end up lost. As soon as the house is handed over that will help. x

[emma123]

Thank you, you were right, I’ve had some awful behaviour to deal with, he’s told everyone I’ve been stalking him, put things on his phone, cheated on him, he’s made me out to be crazy – he even told me he thinks I’ve got bipolar! He became obsessed with recording me in the house – seeing & hearing things on videos & getting really nasty at times (he’s also had women round there overnight as the neighbour grassed him up) Finally leaving the house last weekend was a nightmare in itself, there were tears, tantrums, then he’d disappear out for a line, how I got it done I have no idea. The worry is over there now though & I’m not stressing about a body down there every morning. I don’t think it will take long before alarm bells start ringing at his parents as his use is as bad as ever. He’s declared he’s got mental health issues now (all blamed on me) which is buying him more time at work but I don’t think he can keep things hidden much longer. He’s still in denial & one moment he’s awful, the next he’s telling me he was going to ask me to marry him on Valentine’s Day. Each day I’m trying to get stronger & rebuild my life & stop trying to feel guilty & sad about loosing the man I loved. It was like he died all over again this week. I just hope it gets easier as even though it’s over it still seems to consume my every thought

[Author]

Posts