[hayl]

I have been together 20 years we have 3 children. I found out last year he had been taking cocaine the last 4 years I did notice a change in behavior such as sleeping all day on a sunday and mood changes, but quite frankly I thought I knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t take drugs. He has promised 4 times hes gonna stop I’ve bed to the drs with him but he still does it and blatantly lies to my face which makes me so angry then I say hurtful things then ge turns the tables and makes me feel sorry for him! He has got paranoid to accusing me of cheating when I barely go out. He is genuinely a good man he still works full time and provides for the family. But i have to take all bank cards and pug then away just in case he uses them. We have mortgage so it’s not as easy as just leave. I’m at my wits end. I always end up feeling sorry for him.

[frh92]

Hi,

I can understand where you are coming from. I still live with my ex pending the sale of our flat and we have a 2 year old son together. He has been an addict for 16 years and i have been with him for 10 of those years. I found out he done Cocaine 6 months into our relationship and he was the first boyfriend i had. It didn’t bother me too much to begin with as it was more recreational and doing it on a night out. But when we moved in together he would do it on week days and by himself, that’s when i knew that it was an addiction. or maybe he was always like that and i never knew. He got into a habit of doing it every other day and even before he would go to work. I though (stupidly) that when i unexpectedly fell pregnant and i decided to keep it that things would change, but it only seemed to get worse. i have been trying to get him help for 4 years through groups, counselling and even couples counselling but nothing has worked. My ex would always accuse me of cheating and even hiding someone in our flat! he goes so paranoid that he will look out of the window for hours and not talk to me, its so horrifying to see, i have no idea what he is thinking.

I have tried to take away the bank cards and get control of our bank accounts but that hasn’t worked at all he is controlling so therefore we are currently in £5000+ debt with all of our utilities bills and mortgage. I feel hopeless.

Hope you are ok! xx

[sam0918]

It definitely sucks when they’re functionable addicts it’s the hardest part because you can’t be mad they’re holding down a job but then they’re spending the money that they’re earning I so totally get that that’s what mine does he’s functioning he has a decent job he’s lucky cuz right now because of the coronavirus he still has a job but he gets mad because now I’m paranoid that he’s going to go ballistic because his hours are getting cut he’s getting bored and he can’t sit at home for more than that without freaking out like he has to constantly be doing something and he even said that the out the last hour while he’s at work as when is the hardest for him not to want to go get high or getting drunk because he doesn’t want to be home it hurts and it’s a painful process I mean at least yours lets you take over the credit cards and everything else he’s always told me oh I’ll let you do the bills I’ll give you the money and then he gives it to me for like 2 days and then he goes now I’m going to take it back because you’re going to leave but I definitely get the whole they think that you’re cheating on them when you don’t literally do anything your life revolves around your family and your kids and taking care of them I mean it’s gotten so bad I make sure that he knows when I’m taking a bath or shower so he can’t sit there and say I’m I cheated on him so I’m cleaning the scent of the other person off of me it gets ridiculous at this point I love him I want to help him I have my degree in Psychology I understand psychologically what he’s going through but there’s a large part of my brain that says why are you doing this you already said that you hate it that you don’t like how it makes you paranoid you don’t like how it makes you feel then why do it and the fighting is just getting ridiculous I mean it’s like everyday now for like the last 2 weeks and I know it’s going to get worse

[hayl]

Thank you for replying. It’s horrible and it’s like living with a stranger, I dont know what mood he is going to be in. He wont tell me how much he has but I think he just has it to function, cause he does it the house while me and the kids are in bed. I cant tell now when hes on it and when he isnt. He doesnt care what he looks like anymore cause he only goes to work he has no social life.

I dont believe a word he says so I really dont know how it’s ever gonna work.

[sam0918]

Yeah that’s the gist of it I think they do it at night when everybody sleeping because then they don’t have to feel guilty for doing it used to be where he didn’t care when he did it he would ignore his daughter when she came over when she was like 14 it’s been 2 hours in our bathroom where no one could use the bathroom because he was too busy getting high to wear now she rarely even comes over because she just doesn’t want to be here and now he doesn’t in our basement I don’t think there’s ever been a house that we’ve moved into each year that he hasn’t done something and he’s constantly said oh things are going to be different it’s going to be this it’s going to be that part of me wants to believe in the other part of me goes yeah freaking right like why should I and then he gets mad because he read this and it shows that I’m at my breaking point and he goes well can feel that way just get the hell out I’ll find someone who can meet money and then he gets mad because I pack up my s*** and I threaten to leave if she’s getting too much

[sam0918]

The problem is they are strangers they’ve done it for so long that they don’t know how to function in normal society they feel awkward or they feel like they need to have this to be able to socially interact with someone it’s basically their new drive and desire and they’re only way that they feel like they can be out in public and be normal and funny and have any type of relationship with other people and it is it’s basically like a dr. Jekyll and mr. Hyde scenario with them and then they don’t consider the feelings that they’re affecting on family members and spouses and when they do try to say something they get mad because they’re being faced with the truth and then they take it out on the family member saying if they don’t like it get out if they can’t handle it then leave and then they get mad because a person’s like we’ll find screw it

[hayl]

Your so right! I know what I need to do cause I’m allowing it to a certain extent cause I dont want the kids to pick up on stuff, so I brush it under the carpet alot.

[sam0918]

You should read up on codependency that’s exactly what we basically have them or spouses of addicts I read it and it definitely fits me to a tee and it’s a hard cycle to break

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