[christinag]

Been reading through a few threads on here talking about living with a cocaine addict. Every single one of them resonates with me.

My partner is about to leave. When I get home tonight his things will be packed and he’ll be driving back home to Scotland. He moved to London just over a year ago to be with me. Or really, to think that by moving his life would change. Of course it didn’t. He told me when we met a few years ago he used cocaine but had quit some time ago. After around 3 months living with me the disappearing started, he would come home apologising saying it was a stupid mistake etc. The pattern continued, saying he was ‘going for a walk’ returning hours later. Then came the arguments and verbally aggressive behaviour. Lockdown arrived, he would go off and sit in parks on his own taking cocaine and drinking to reduce the high. Confessing this to me embarrassed. The cycle continued, more arguments, lies, CA meetings once then back on it. No commitment to recovery. The behaviour becomes more difficult the more I oppose. Verbal threats of “putting his hands round my neck” and then a day later at my wits end pushing him away from me only for him to push me back forcefully resulting in me knocking chair/ table over. Asked him to stay somewhere else for the night as it wasn’t acceptable and I felt uncomfortable. He only knows 1 person here who is a mutual friend. He said he wouldn’t go anywhere and I should call the police. So I did. In the hope it would just calm him down. I didn’t know they would arrest him. He was taken to cells for 10 hours and then slept in his van as no hotels available due to COVID. He’s never let me forget it and that “you got me arrested”. I just don’t argue. It’s draining and exhausting and in his mind that’s what happened.

A trip to A&E from a fall discovered high blood pressure – no surprise. Stroke inducing level if not addressed. Two days later he used again. I’ve caught him using Tinder and various other online dating apps. It’s totally toxic and so very hard when you love someone but had to tell myself I have one life and have given this so many chances.

So it’s all the familiar pattern of the addict. Denial, blaming, not taking responsibility. And I’m also to blame for not taking responsibility earlier and bringing it to a close. However, covid has made things difficult and he’s in another city where he knows nobody. And when you love someone you live in hope that they actually mean what they say when they want to quit. I want to live a life where I know what to expect each time the person leaves the house or walks through the door.

So I’ll lose companionship, laughs, cuddling up, park picnics, bike rides, hill walks and all then other wonderful times we shares together. But those were a small part of something else much darker which was making me lose my sanity.

[heartbroken88]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I found out my husband was secretly using cocaine (I had no idea or ever thought it a possibility). We had already separated due to the arguments, violence and basic chaos that our lives has become (and I didn’t know why).

The nice bits you describe are always the first things you think about and it’s like a form of torture but it’s a grief and like you say the darker parts which make us miserable, because we don’t have that reliable person do take more weight at some point in the grieving process.

It’s awful. I wouldn’t wish this emotional whiplash on anyone.

[christinag]

Thank you for your reply. Since writing my post he refused to leave (saying he would do it in his time not when I asked, even though it’s my house!) and has been joining CA meetings online every night since last week although yet to take the next step of getting the book and a sponsor. I’m fearful this is just a ploy to keep me quiet before the inevitable but of course a part of me is hopeful that it’s the start of a positive journey for him as this is the most committed I’ve seen him to a path of recovery. It still feels very chaotic as he veers from accepting the cocaine is losing him everything or blaming me for the trouble in our relationship. I guess this is because he knows the life of recovery takes a lot of hard work and it’s easier to blame outside factors for his problems. It’s like being caught in tornado. I’m barely sleeping and exhausted from my own internal battle of what’s for the best.

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband and that you’ve separated. It’s such a dreadfully destructive poison and really hard to take control of your own rational thoughts and emotions when caught up in it all. It must have been such a shock when you didn’t know why things had become so difficult. Emotional whiplash is a good description. I hope you are taking care of yourself and finding some comfort and peace of mind x

[lookingforhope]

From all my reading, the blaming you sounds like an emotional relapse. It’s where the addicted person lashes out to create a climate where they can justify using again. It’s so hard on the ones who love them. I really hope for both of you that things get better.

I would recommend looking after yourself, keeping calm and offering any support that you feel able to. I recognise the exhaustion and emotional turmoil of recovery too.

I’ve found this forum really helps too

[christinag]

Thanks so much for your message. Yes, that’s a good point. I was thinking it was a coping mechanism for him to justify the relationship breakdown. I also caught him telling one of his friends it was over because I was a psycho and something was wrong with a woman my age with no children(!). I had to laugh through the annoyance.

Feeling brighter today with a bit more sleep, sunshine and exercise and appreciate your words and thoughts.

Thanks again x

[brooke714]

I know exactly how you feel. It’s so hard when you love them so much but what they are doing to us just isn’t okay. Maybe in time he will get the help he needs. You are doing the right thing and you will be so happy in the end. Stay strong 🙂

[christinag]

Hi there

Thanks so much for your reply, I appreciate it. Well, he hasn’t left as he refused (even though it’s my house) and Has been joining Zoom CA every night since last week and gone to one face to face meeting. It’s still complete emotional turmoil and I’m doing my best to try and be rational and separate my thoughts to avoid ruminating. Some days I’ve felt strong and decisive and others just so low I can’t see outside the black cloud. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. Like he does. The most frustrating part for me is his reluctance to be in any way apologetic for his behaviour apart from the odd moment when he has clarity so there’s still a huge gap of resentment between us as his thoughts are quite twisted about where the problem lies.

I hope you are ok and have a lovely day x

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I’m sorry to read what you’ve been going through. It’s been really tough for you. If you would like some more support for yourself you might want to contact us at Icarus Trust. We are a charity that offers support to people dealing with addiction in their family, like yourself. if you get ion touch one of our Family Friends would speak to you. They are trained and very experienced, and maybe talking with one of them would help you to move forward.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best to you.

[christinag]

Hi there

Thank you so much. I will do that.

Much appreciated x

[heartbroken88]

Wow it’s amazing to read the same/similar scenario to my own, as often happens here but I have often thought my own husband seems much more nastier and abusive than most stories I read. And I have questioned if it’s drugs or the real him. It’s hard to know where one starts and the other finishes. He too blames me for everything and created his own version of scenarios and statements to make me look crazy. I have been told I’m mentally ill a psycho etc when it was me who could see that something was way off. I dread to think what he has told his family as they have cut me and out young children off but he is a manipulator and a massive liar and unfortunately my reactions to his behaviour at times when I have asked for help probably supports that it’s me who is the problem and poor him. When they have literally no clue of how nasty he is to me and his children.

He lashes out, again I’ve no idea if it’s drugs or the real him but he swings between telling me he hates me it’s over he wouldn’t ever want to be with me etc to rare moments of remorse – very rare. But they come after what feels like closure of how bad things of gotten and yes it’s over . It’s a rollercoaster. I too think the lashing out enables him to justify using.

I’ve tried to maintain a relationship with his children for him but his temper gets the better of him as he acts so paranoid and aggressively to me so for safeguarding I have had to stop this.

He doesn’t ask about them hardly any way. It’s so sad. He has lost everything but rarely admits it. And recovery doesn’t even seem to have entered the picture yet – he saw his gp who referrred him to a group that he has done a initial assessment and a few things with in about 3 months but tells me it’s none of my business.

If he wanted to get his act together for the sake of the children who are very young (under 2) he would have if he was truly committed. It’s devastating but we are in a divorce process now as I can’t take the control he seems to enjoy over me (financially etc) too.

It’s so hard. I sympathise hugely x

[christinag]

Yes I agree, it is hard to work out when one begins and ends with the nasty personality. I’ve also heard all the verbal abuse of how awful I am, how he’s no longer interested in me and since he was arrested I’ve not heard the end of how badly scarred he is from that instance. That it was all my fault and he did nothing wrong and I pushed him first. I gently remind him I’ve tolerated his continual angry outbursts, threatening words, pointing his finger close to my face, putting his foot close to my face and before I pushed him away, he’d gestured a shoe box close to my face which was the final straw. So he doesn’t see what happened being a consequence of his behaviour and inability to control his anger and emotions. But telling his friends I am a psycho. Even when the police came he was trying to laugh it off and minimise what happened. A ‘drama queen’ is the phrase I hear repeated often. The only drama is what he constantly creates! I’m horrified and embarrassed this is actually my life and happening to me.

So I truly empathise with your situation and I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be with small children and dealing with an addict. My partner has 2 beautiful daughters who he barely keeps in touch with. He was a young Dad so one is 20s and the other a teen. He calls them and talks about himself.

My partner also wants to shut me out and not accept any support unless it suits him or he’s . He won’t even discuss anything. It would be better if he left and I’m sure that will happen. He too is enjoying having the control that he will make the decision to leave when he wants to, not when I ask him.

The patterns of behaviour are all so familiar. Stay sane and happy. I’m sure your children bring you much joy xx

[heartbroken88]

Your experience sounds similar to mine, I too have had to involve the police and I have questioned myself in my reactions but like you say the constant abuse for me it would be the c word and nag and it really isn’t ever justified for taking it that far. All couples argue but he would go the extra and get nasty. Then tell me I was the one acting like a ‘b end’. Now I know it’s cocaine it completely all makes sense because it’s tactics to manipulate and justify using etc. But there is only so much you can take and for me I actually thought it was an affair but I was never going to get ration or reason out of him. I wish I’d known sooner. I’m embarrassed too because we are respectable people with good professions nice house etc which has all had to go. The final straw was the continued lack of respect for me & the name calling/temper in front of the children.

It is very difficult I never imagined being a single parent this scenario I find myself in never crossed my mind & it’s difficult to talk about it when friends who don’t know etc say things like make sure you get help from him still with the children when I actually can’t (nor would I want it obviously!).

His mind games and to-ing and fro-ing is a lot to take emotionally and of course I have hoped since finding out about the drugs that he would change and I’d get my husband back.

I’ve accepted that won’t happen.

To hear your partner has children who he doesn’t bother with much confirms how much this affects them and their relationships and inability to be consistent. I also really appreciate the other users post about her son, three years of this I can’t imagine. But I do worry about him constantly being in the background/ trying to have contract but not ever helping himself so no further forward and the children will suffer for it. Not right now maybe but mentally way off in the future as at some point they will know the truth I imagine and that is devastating for me to think this is what their lives has turned into when they were born into what seemingly was a lovely family home and marriage (my husband’s cocaine use started a few months before I fell pregnant first time, apparently and this makes sense with behaviour changes).

It does give me confidence to not doubt myself or fall for any of the rubbish that comes out of his mouth because there’s no proof or consistency to say otherwise anything has changed. So these posts really help realise this is not unusual behaviour for an addict! It’s so sad. It’s said time again on here but it’s an evil drug. X

[administrator]

Thanks for sharing your experience and we’re so sorry to hear about your husband’s behaviour towards you.

Information and advice is also available via the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, contact details are on the Refuge website. This line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Information and support is also available on the Women’s Aid website: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Take care and thank you.

[68862]

Hi Heartbroken first of all I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this but it’s such a similar story to a lot of us on here. My son is the addict and his wife asked him to leave 3 years ago after having had enough of the exact same treatment as you. His dad describes him as the devil and we have all suffered abuse, blame and vile behaviour from him. Sadly nothing has changed except for last summer when he was clean for 3 months. We live every day questioning his every action, comment and behaviour wondering if its the coke or his normal personality. I suspect the coke tbh. Today I drove past his flat to see if his car had moved from the parking place he had last night but it hadn’t as if it had, I know he would have gone out to get some. But on calling in with his dogs tonight I could tell he has been using as he was twitching and when I asked what he was going to get his son for his 3rd birthday he admitted he didn’t have any money as he’d been using again. He has had thousands off of us so he knows that boat has sailed. He absolutely adores his son and Like you we thought that would be enough to stop him but sadly not. I’ve said it many times on here to women who are suffering because of their addict partner but the best thing you can do is leave as their lives will be horrendous for years to come so I’m glad for your family’s sake that you are starting this process. Good luck xx

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