[lmb15]

Hi,

New to this, not even sure what to write!

My partner is addicted to cocaine and it’s really taking its toll on me all the stress that comes with it and the effects it has. The constant worry about the whole situation, waiting for it to happen.

Feeling really lonely and isolated as haven’t really got anyone to talk to about it properly. Just really fed up of hearing empty promises that things will change, not sure what more I can do.

Wish there was something I could do to help, but it doesn’t change for more than a few weeks at most sadly!

Thinking of everyone who is in these type of situations! Drugs really do change the people we love. Feeling really helpless 🙁

[cape17]

Hi,

Sorry to hear this

I’m in the same situation my partner is still using drugs at the weekend he just used this weekend just gone and did more than usual so his come down is worse

He’s angry frustrated blaming me

For everything accusing me of cheating on him literally calling me a slut saying I’m effing everyone.

It’s really getting me down and stressed I don’t look after myself because it’s all about him

And what mood he’s going to be in.

Cocaine is an evil drug and it changed the ones we love

I’m really hoping he just give up but I’m so tired of the empty promises as well

He’s already planning on doing it again this weekend telling me this

Will be the last time

[lmb15]

Thanks for your reply – sorry to hear you are in this situation too!

The come downs are horrific aren’t they? I’m the same, always to blame and as you say don’t get to look after myself either and it really does affect you after a while.

I think the empty promises and the hoping they will give up is just so difficult – the way they act and decisions they make are totally out of our control and it’s so hard to deal with and frustrating because it impacts the whole family in various ways! Just wish I had the answers.

I feel like this about the moods too – never know if it’s going to be a good day where he is feeling ok or absolutley hurrendous! Feel like I’m always worrying if he has done it, always looking out for the signs and it’s just taken the enjoyment out of everything because I can’t relax and feel like my whole life revolves around it.

Always think back around the times before he started doing it, just hoping and wishing it will go back to that but to be honest I think I am wishful thinking unfortunately!

Has your partner been doing it for a long period of time? I find it so hard because I don’t really speak to anyone about it and try to hide it all the time which obviously doesn’t help how I’m feeling.

Thanks

[cape17]

Hi

My partners be doing it for the last 5 years. before that he had tried it on and off on nights out but it was never a problem it was just a bit of fun I use to do it years ago with him when we first got together but that was once in a blue moon. Then he started doing it more often because it’s so easy to get the guy comes round the house and drops it off so he didn’t feel he had to go out and meet someone on the street and risk getting caught. It got worse during lockdown we just moved house and then everything shut. He couldn’t go to the gym or play golf. He was still working through out the lockdowns but as soon as the weekend comes he was doing it every Friday. At one point he was spending £800 a month. We had just moved house paid off all our debts but now he’s got himself back into debt the last 2 years because he’s got worse at doing it.

Last year he got clean for 16 weeks finally I thought things were

Finally getting better he stopped drinking alcohol in that time as well which is good because that is a big trigger for him to then go and do coke.

So after 16 weeks of being sober he had an old friend contact him from school and it bought back bad memory’s and he said that triggered him to start doing it again and he also convinced himself that because he was clean for 16 weeks he could do it

Once and then be clean again. He had in his mind he could do

It every 3 months as a treat but he can’t do that because he’s an addict you can’t just do it and then stop again because the drug gets a hold of you and starts all the cravings again.

So he went and did it and then the next month he was back on

It and we were arguing so much and he convinced himself that I was cheating on him so while we had just had a big argument on the phone I hanged up

On him and so he decided that night to go sleep with someone else because I made him angry and in his head I was fucking someone else.

After a few days he came clean to me and told me he had

Cheated on me and that he felt so bad and couldn’t believe he had done it.

I was so heart broken because I never thought he would ever do that to me because my husband before the drugs took over would never of done that to me ????.

After that happened we have tried to rebuild and I’ve tried helping him but he is still using. He’s had a couple of weeks here and there where he’s not used and it’s the same old promises I won’t do it again or one last time or something happens at work

That triggers him or something that he thinks I’ve done triggers him so he goes Back to It.

It’s so draining I haven’t looked after myself I started smoking again because of stress so I’m trying to give that up at the moment and just eat healthy exercise and do some self care things.

I also dont have anyone to talk

To this about. I wouldn’t want to tell

My family because I’m embarrassed about it also I’m kind of protecting him because I wouldn’t want them to think badly of him and see him in a different way.

I have spoken to my friend briefly about it in the past but never told

Her the true extent of it again just embarrassed that this is my life right now.

Sorry for the long reply

How long has your partner been doing it? Is it weekend thing or more

Hope you take time to look after yourself as well

[lmb15]

Hi I’m so sorry for the delay in replying – had a pretty tough week! My partner’s been doing it around 9 years, it’s so difficult isn’t it. Some times more than others but never seems to go away for more than a few weeks unfortunately – and that’s what I know about (dread to think about what I don’t!)

I’m so sorry to hear that – it’s crazy how much it changes them isn’t it? Almost like they are a completely different person, it’s just heartbreaking!

I am the same I don’t really look after myself properly either – always seem to put him first before me, need to give myself a good shake sometimes because nothing I do seems to help anyway unfortunately!

I am also embarrassed to speak to my family or friends – I spoke to one friend in previous years but she was very judgemental and didn’t understand at all. I think it’s one of those things that unless you have been through it you don’t really know the extent of the impact it can have.

I’m at a stage where I really don’t know where to turn or what to do next! Feel like I’m always trying to put a front on and make out everything is ok but deep down I’m completely broken.

How have things been for you recently? I hope you are ok..

[affectedpartner]

Hey there,

I am new to this too in a similar situation. I’m sorry to hear your partner is addicted to cocaine too.

One thing that has made things easier for me which I didn’t do for a good 6- 8 months was tell family. I was ashamed and embarrassed but it was the best move I did. As the extra strain of hiding it was making me feel worse which I didn’t realise until after.

Now all our close friends know as I needed support in people following up with him on a friend level so he had people too.

My husband is a gambler and cocaine addict even though he only admits to the gambling being a problem and he ‘can take it or leave it’ apparently with the Coke. However since the pandemic and he lost his job he hid from me for ages that he was racking up debt gambling and to coke dealers. I was 6 months pregnant when I realised he owed so much money to people.

I paid off his debts and each time he would come with more promising it would be the last time. The amount of times I forgave him, he gave me the speech of ‘ I just need to find a job I like and everything will get better, I promise that’s the last thing I owe. Then after a week or two of things being better and starting to see the old him again, it would all start again. But as time went on, 3 jobs later, I of course had a newborn to look after.

Very long story but here we are 16 months later since my baby was born and I can count on one hand how many times he’s done anything with us outside of the house.

But I have lost count of the amount of times he has ‘popped out’ and been back in 10/15 minutes late at night or another excuse for why he needed money (apparently not for gambling or drugs- yeah right)

The last straw was when he blamed me for losing his recent job because he was stressed with moving house and he couldn’t sleep etc (basically up all night probably gambling or doing drugs) so would take half days at work where he’s so tired. Oh and it was my fault because I went away for a few days with my little one and he didn’t wake up for work one day.

In the next breathe he says I’m not blaming you. He was raising his voice getting angry grabbing things and I thought finally I’m not putting up with this anymore especially with my little one there and told him he needed to go.

Since then he has basically told me he will continue to spend money or do crazy shit until he doesn’t wake up as doesn’t want a life without us. I told him We can have a life in the future once he gets help and starts taking accountability! His constant thing which he keeps repeating is he can’t do that until he’s living with us and that’s just not an option anymore. His brain won’t allow him to do that? It only wants one thing to be with my daughter full time. Yet he won’t see her and only seen her quickly 3 times in the last 7 weeks as ‘it’s too hard leaving her’ so doesn’t want to see her.

The guilt they put on you is unreal. You start to feel unwell. It’s emotional blackmail which I am starting to see clearly now. However it still can get to you. I often get upset about the life we once had and what he’s put us through. Well his addictions.

I really miss the old him. The person who would never of done these things or treated me the way he has. The person who would always check in on me and that I got home safely. The person I have been with all my life.

It would make it so much easier If I hated him. But of course I don’t. I hate this new version but not the person who you sometimes see a glimmer of, giving you false hope that one day they will come back.

His erratic behaviour is out of control now. I’m fed up of having the same conversations and being called heartless for not helping him when all I’ve done is help. It’s time he helped himself.

But I am now also worried he will run up debt against me where we are married and I have my daughter to protect too.

Anyway so sorry that was long! I just wanted you to know which I’m sure you do… your never alone! There are so many of us going through it, even if we never thought it would be us.

[fayzey]

Hi affectedpartner, I just wanted to reply as your story is very similar to mine – I have asked my partner to leave and he is saying exactly the same as yours – the only thing that will make him better is coming back to live with us – so hard, I felt so guilty at first but as times gone on I am trying to be stronger and think rationally, he needs to sort himself out, not have me do it for him- in the meantime he is taking drugs pretty much constantly now and I don’t know how he’s still going physically or mentally – such a horrible situation and sorry you are in it too! x

[affectedpartner]

Oh I am so sorry you are going through the same.

It’s awful isn’t it. It’s just you know they aren’t being logical with their thinking, but you can’t help but feel guilt.

I agree that’s my thought process too, it has to be them that make the changes and it almost starts to become emotional blackmail/ manipulation. It’s not our fault. They need to want the change. I kept giving chance after chance living together and it hasn’t worked this long so why would it work this time? Unless there is actual change.

Stay strong! We can only hope they realise before it’s too late ????????????

[lmb15]

Hiya,

So sorry to hear you are a in a similar situation – cocaine really does destroy lives and totally changes a person doesn’t it I honestly can’t believe the difference! Feel like I’m always walking on eggshells never knowing how things are going to be from one day to the next – it’s pretty awful to go through isn’t it the whole situation.

Glad to hear you have your family/friends to talk to about it – it must really help! I am just so embarrassed about it all I don’t think I can reach out unfortunately, but it does make me feel very alone. I am glad I have found this site, but sorry to see so many people going through similar situations 🙁

The behaviour is so erratic isn’t it – the comedowns are just hurrendous! Never know whats going on from one minute to the next.

Yes I know there is always that hope that it will change and the person will return, but as you say it’s false hope and empty promises.

Sorry to hear he hasnt been spending much time with your daughter – must be so difficult.

Everything you have said I can really relate to – thanks so much for responding. I hope you are doing ok, stay strong!

[affectedpartner]

It really does.

I don’t know what came first, the gambling or the drugs but they have unfortunately come hand in hand.

I haven’t heard from him for a few days. I miss him but I almost feel relief also, which I feel bad about too!

Honestly the guilt you have is never ending even if you know rationally we shouldn’t have the guilt, if that makes sense! It’s hard not to feel it.

Completely understandable. I wasn’t ready for a long time to tell friends and family. But as it got worse, people could tell things were off they just didn’t know what!

I held it in for so long and it was such a relief when I had people to talk to. I think it’s always easier first to talk to someone who doesn’t know you both as there is no judgement so you are doing the right thing just talking to anyone just so you don’t have to go through it on your own.

I don’t know what I would do without the support! It’s definitely one hell of a journey at the moment.

I hope your situation gets better soon ????????

[Lizzie21]

Please reach out to your family you will be overwhelmed with how supportive they will be towards you.

I too have a very similar situation but its a very long story. Cut it short my partner hit crisis on Saturday but i knew then after me trying to help hom for a nearly 18.months that this time he again hadnt stopped and i had to think of myself for once and leave. Its completely shattered me we have a little girl 3yrs old and i have been trying to keep our family together. So you can imagine the heart break i found myself in when i had to walk away with her. I went to my brothers and told him and my sister in law everything i poured the last 18 months of upevil out onto the table and i have never felt such relief. My brother went to see my parnter who had finally hit crisis point, my brothrr and parnters mum intervene and now my parnter is in residential rehab, hitting crisis as probably saved us both in different ways. I dont think I can and dont know if i want to rebuild our relationship if he gets well, too much hurt has happened. I feel like i am grieveing and no idea what my future looks like however let me tell you that opening up to my family intially my brother and then my mum, uncle, nana and cousins (who are like siblings) as helped me a lot because i am no longer hiding this massive secret. I have also told a few close friends because i found i had started to isolate myself from my nearest and dearest. The support and understanding they have shown me has been overwhelming.

 

Please please if you can dig deep its very difficult but reach out you will be surprised.

[cape17]

Hi

Thanks for the reply’s it’s helps to know there is others going through the same not that I would wish this on anybody but it’s good have this forum it’s helped me a lot. I’ve read the threads and related to a lot of what other people have said and the situations are exactly the same. It makes me feel less like I’m going insane because that’s how my husband makes me feel sometimes like I’m crazy.

This week Monday and Tuesday was bad because he had done it at the weekend and was on the come down. We argued same old cycle I’m blamed for everything blamed for the reason he is using he did the ok divorcing you I’m leaving thing as usual I tell him fine go it’s his choice but then he’s always saying sorry and saying he doesn’t mean those

Things it’s just that stuff making him say it and changing the way he thinks of me. It’s like then the rest of the week he’s fine the stuff must of left his system a bit he realises what he has done and then is sorry.

He didn’t do it last night. Friday is usually the night he does it because it’s end of the work week that’s what he says. He is trying to stop again but he’s got time of work

In a couple

Of weeks and has already said I’m going to do it just once over my holiday and then that’s it I will stop. It’s draining. It’s difficult

When you love someone so much but hate the person they become from that drug.

Affectedoartner- it’s good that you have told people close to you and you now have a support system

I know that is what we all need I just can’t tell anyone at the moment I feel like I’m protecting him and still waiting for him to change it’s awful.

I hope you and your daughter are ok and you are looking after yourself putting you both first. It’s difficult when children are involved as well I have 2. We need to look after ourselves for the children so we don’t get iLL.

Hope you both have a good weekend

Stay strong

[fayzey]

It’s hard to think straight when they are being so irrational I find but I said the same, it obviously wasn’t working living here either as he was still doing it – I guess he would probably do a lot less if he was here and maybe have bigger gaps of being clean but it’s not really sorting out the underlying issues, just taking the easy option of putting the responsibility into us. I just can’t risk another relapse while he’s living here, especially with kids. I actually think if he sobered up for long enough then he wouldn’t even be saying he should come back so the fact he’s still talking about it makes me realise he is definitely not thinking straight… so sad though isn’t it. He just can’t stop taking it now and I don’t know how it’s going to end… I’m trying to get him into a detox place so maybe that will help.

Sounds like we are both at the same point with them! How do you feel day to day? Is he in touch?

[affectedpartner]

Exactly. They are irrational and unfortunately yes they would be doing drugs/gambling etc etc less if they were with us but still doing it and it still very much being a problem.

The kids are the most important as we know but it doesn’t make it easy to turn our backs on them but it’s also the right thing to do until they are ready to accept help.

That will be good to book your partner into a rehab place. I would do that, but he wouldn’t go so there is no point as they want to have to want it! And unfortunately up until today mine is still lying. I nearly fell for it this week. Him saying he wants to see our little one and start seeing her everyday and having a routine again will help him etc etc. Then of course more lies, he wanted money for this then that etc etc. then when I didn’t give it, the final amount he asked for, he said went crazy. (Clearly not what he asked it for- he clearly needed it for drugs or gambling) he’s blown up my phone to me whole evening and same a-bit different day basically.

[ambaj24]

Hi I’m in the exactly same situation as you. I haven’t spoke to anyone hide it act like everything’s fine .. we live in my parents house and every day I worry he’s got it and he will take it when I’m asleep and when I wake up he’s of his head I feel exactly the same iv asked him not to do it he will lie to my face and I always feel I’m trying trying and nothing is changing he’s getting worse he says it stress but the way you are describe is like me and why I am here as I don’t know what to do anymore . I feel he don’t care how I feel as he does it anyway

[ambaj24]

Update . I woke he was sleeping I told him not to take I woke up to him paranoid out of his head on coke walking around the house opening doors . I’m scared he’s gonna lull himself or hurt someone . My mum and dad were in bed and for the first time I told them I kicked him out he sat in the car and it broke my heart I called the police because I feel I don’t know what else to do anymore

[fayzey]

Oh no, so sorry! It does sound like you have done the right thing to ask him to leave and tell your parents as he is not respecting your boundaries at all- it’s not on doing it in your parents house – you all need to be able to sleep without worrying what he’s up to all night wandering round off his head. How come you called the police would he not leave? Hope everything ok x

[cape17]

Hi sorry to hear you are also in this situation. It’s good that you have told your parents what’s going on now that will be some support for you. Maybe this is the intervention he needs and wake up call now you’ve told your parents they will not except drug use in there house.

The being paranoid is awful a helicopter was going over our house the other day and my husband was saying See it’s the police looking out for me

It wasn’t even a police helicopter

[fayzey]

We have this every time a helicopter is anywhere near! I’m like really do you think it’s likely they are looking for you?? Also thought a car outside was a plant with a camera inside – it was my neighbour’s car!

[cape17]

Hi sorry to hear you are also in this situation. It’s good that you have told your parents what’s going on now that will be some support for you. Maybe this is the intervention he needs and wake up call now you’ve told your parents they will not except drug use in there house.

The being paranoid is awful a helicopter was going over our house the other day and my husband was saying See it’s the police looking out for me

It wasn’t even a police helicopter

[cape17]

Hi sorry to hear you are also in this situation. It’s good that you have told your parents what’s going on now that will be some support for you. Maybe this is the intervention he needs and wake up call now you’ve told your parents they will not except drug use in there house.

The being paranoid is awful a helicopter was going over our house the other day and my husband was saying See it’s the police looking out for me

It wasn’t even a police helicopter

Take care of yourself x

[cape17]

Hi sorry to hear you are also in this situation. It’s good that you have told your parents what’s going on now that will be some support for you. Maybe this is the intervention he needs and wake up call now you’ve told your parents they will not except drug use in there house.

The being paranoid is awful a helicopter was going over our house the other day and my husband was saying See it’s the police looking out for me

It wasn’t even a police helicopter

Take care of yourself x

[cape17]

Hi sorry to hear you are also in this situation. It’s good that you have told your parents what’s going on now that will be some support for you. Maybe this is the intervention he needs and wake up call now you’ve told your parents they will not except drug use in there house.

The being paranoid is awful a helicopter was going over our house the other day and my husband was saying See it’s the police looking out for me

It wasn’t even a police helicopter

Take care of yourself x

[cape17]

Sorry for loads of the same post my internet connection was playing up and it’s posted it to many times ????????‍♀️

Yes I said the same thing to him he’s not that important no one is looking for you and knows about you it’s when he excuses me of cheating and messing with his food that upsets me the most

[fayzey]

It’s hard not to get dragged into it when they are acting like that – very draining. He’s ok when he’s not doing it but when he’s on it he will be wanting to FaceTime and I know it’s to check up on me but I don’t want to answer even though I’ll be doing something totally innocent with a friend or at work cos I know he’ll be acting weird and it’s embarrassing then that makes him worse, can’t win x

[cape17]

Sorry for loads of the same post my internet connection was playing up and it’s posted it to many times ????????‍♀️

Yes I said the same thing to him he’s not that important no one is looking for you and knows about you it’s when he excuses me of cheating and messing with his food that upsets me the most

[cape17]

Yes it’s draining you can’t win what ever you do I just ignore him now when he starts saying stuff like that and when he’s managed to not do it for a couple of weeks he starts to stop saying things like that and I have hope he’s done with it all never going to touch it again. then something triggers him and he just goes back to doing it same old cycle

[hje]

Hi, I think that I know how you’re feeling although i know from experience there will be many details you chose not to share. I am now into my 4th year of a relationship where my partner was addicted to cocaine (oblivious to me due to not witnessing it before) he has been clean from Cocaine for 6months after 20years but In turn started drinking more. After excessive drinking he becomes verbally abusive and although recognising his problem falls back in to the same trap. I’m not sure what else I can do to help without becoming a nag or a nuisance xx

[ambaj24]

Hi guys sorry for taking so long how is everyone more importantly? And updates . Mine promised after everything and suprise he is doing again haven’t slept all night he’s up paranoid feeling sorry for himself in bed don’t know what to do anymore cause I love him but this has to stop now

[cape17]

Hi

Mine partner is the same made promises and changes the last couple of weeks but didn’t stick to them. He changed his job and his days off so he having Monday and Tuesdays off so Fridays don’t trigger him anymore because he would be working the weekend. Mondays he would have to take kids to school and the. Tuesday was suppose to be spending time with me or doing other stuff. But that all went out the window he got through to Monday afternoon and then did it I was so upset I said I’ve changed around my working days you’ve changed your job you said this would make you stop and you still made ever excuse to do it. Now it’s the same old cycle

Again this week

He hasn’t got enough sleep so he’s moody frustrated and angry and also the normal

Paranoid delusions.

He’s said he’s going in for overtime on Tuesday to stop him doing it this week so I’m hoping he gets through this week.

It’s really draining

[affectedpartner]

Sorry to hear you are both going through it still. Sounds very draining as I know.

After seeing mine so unwell I have let him back home on a probation type thing.

He’s not sleeping well after all the years of abuse but I think he has stopped it, but who knows. He said he has as it’s effected his health so much. But I’m worried the gambling will take over again now he’s gone cold turkey. As he used to do the two together.

I’m hoping him spending time with his daughter again will give him perspective as he knows this truly is his last chance to get help. The conditions he has is if he wants to live here he has to show he is actively wanting to get his old self back.

Doctors, therapy and getting a routine back then eventually a job.

It’s his last chance. I’m stronger now being apart and with a little child on my own- so I will help but I will only do that if he helps himself.

So we can only hope! I’ve exhausted all chances now so this is really it for me and then I can say I’ve done all I can.

[Anonymous]

How we all doing guys anyone who fancies subscribing to my new addictions etc channel please do with love Glasgow

It’s updated daily

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[lost78]

I am also new to this page and can relate to so much you are saying. My husband has been using for a while now and I’ve heard all the excuses and promises and also been on the other end of the mood swings and paranoia. I love him but also hate him at the same time. I feel totally trapped.

[Author]

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