[bees_x]

Right I’m not really sure where to begin with this but… I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. The last year or so he’s been addicted to coke which I found out the beginning of the year. He used to do it socially but now he does it sober. He’s cut off from the world. He used to be a really happy person who’s turned into this person where all he can think about is when he’s getting his next lot. Being around him is like walking on egg shells. He says he does it to calm himself down or to calm his brain down which he’s currently waiting for an adhd diagnosis in hopes he’ll get medication to calm him down.
he’s told me he doesn’t want to be this person mad that he’ll get the help which eventually he did try but hasn’t got anywhere with it. He’s doing coke maybe every other day but it got as bad as every day. It’s now got to the point where we have no money and in so much debt.

he has a way of making me feel guilty and even says he does it so he can be calm and spend time with me. But now he will quite happily say well I’m addicted and I’m trying to get help but there’s no help there so oh well I’ve tried and then will call his dealer up.

he’s got a bad history with addiction it started off with a gambling addiction then to drugs. And I’d imagine it would be the same with drink.

I know I don’t help. And I think where I’m not a strong person I do enable him by not being stronger. But he’s a stubborn person and knows how to manipulate to get his way… he can be spiteful and hurtful all to get what he wants.
he just seems to be so angry with the world.

I don’t know where to turn or what to do. But I’m sick of being made to feel guilty and feeling like I’m driving him to it. But I love him so much. But we’re in an endless cycle of wanting to get better to doing it the next day and it’s draining the emotional abuse.

please someone tell me it gets better

[paw_x]

Hi Bees,

This isn’t your fault. You aren’t causing it and at the same time you can’t stop it either. All of that is up to him.

I wish I could tell you it gets better but it won’t. I can tell you it will get worse from what you’ve said – if he’s doing it more and more, not getting help, and it’s now affecting your finances and lives. It will get worse and you need to protect yourself or you will be left with nothing (not just money, but your sanity and wellbeing will go too) as he continues down this path.

There IS help available. Look up CA online, there’s lists of the Cocaine Anonymous meetings which are happening every single day. He could and should be there EVERY day.

Talk to him about the meetings. A lot of people go for a goal of 90 meetings in 90 days. Is he willing to try this? If he isn’t, you need to think about whether you want to be there for him to destroy both of your lives.

You didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it. He needs to do that. The most important thing for you is to realise that you need to look after yourself and try to stop any more damage being done. If he’s left to continue doing what he likes that’s what he’s going to keep doing. It took my partner losing his job, and me kicking him out after a whole year of hell, standing by him while he lied and told me he had it under control, before he started properly getting help, going to meetings everyday, engaging fully in the recovery process. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

Best of luck but please put yourself first and do what’s best for you x

 

[confused23]

Hello All,

this is my second post with a week or so haven’t gotten a reply back from the first one. I’m hurting so bad my husband was doing well sober for 3-4 months and then the past two days I have been questioning his appearance and how he’s been gas lighting me etc. and of course says I’m not high….well last night while we were in bed and he kept accusing me of messing around all while I was laying right next to him and he pushed me in the back and I lashed back and told him don’t touch me or put his hands on me. All night he was just talking crap, seeing and hearing things and accusing me of stuff etc. well today I find out he did aderall. I told him I can’t do it anymore and he’s says that I’m not going to leave he won’t let me etc. idk how much stronger I can be at this point I’m so tired like I have nothing left. He use to use meth and coke pretty bad and destroy things and mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically abuse me. I just don’t know anymore. I have offered to go with him and I showed him the celebrate recovery program that’s close by and he told me he was going to start but have yet to see it. Idk what gives! I have no one here where I live. All of my family are in Oklahoma. I thought about going to stay at the 30 day emergency shelter with my kids just to save enough to find a income based apartment so I don’t have to uproot them considering they are starting school tomorrow and they love their friends and school. Idk what to do anymore I feel like I’m losing myself in all the chaos

[paw_x]

Hi Confused,

Sorry I must have missed your post.

The sad truth is that no matter what we do, it will make no difference. You can beg and plead with him, you can theaten to leave, you can even leave, and none of this will guarantee he’s now going to get clean and sort his life. You can’t cure him and you can’t control this. He won’t change until he has a realisation and really wants to fix this. The only thing you can do is put yourself and your family first. Being with an addict can destroy your life and it’s completely up to you what you want to do. You don’t have to live like this. It’s not fair of him to expect you to stand by him while he makes no effort to recover and instead is hellbent in bringing nothing but stress and upset to your life.

I would be asking him to leave so that you aren’t uprooting the children but if that’s not an option, see if there’s any help available to you with housing/protection from abuse (at the very least, what they do results in emotional abuse and usually financial abuse). Look after you and make sure you’re not neglecting that, it’s so easy to forget about yourself in all of this. You don’t deserve any of this so put your foot down if it’s safe for you to do so, and get some help and support from trusted friends who you might need. It’s an awful situation but it’s time to start putting you first ❤️ x

[rachy323]

Help me please I am acting on impulse but know things have got out of hand I have everything I could want a stable home a loving a family a partner that I no loves me but I am addictied to cicaine and alcohol.  Not to the sense were I feel I am I just no I have a problem. I am keeping everything together well trying to but at the same time as I write this know there’s a problem. I am sinking and dint no what to do

[paw_x]

Hi Rachy – please get yourself to a CA or AA meeting. You will meet people battling the same problems as you and they’ll help you x

[Rae44]

Hi Bees,

I also have a partner addicted to cocaine for many years. It’s important you understand that you didn’t cause it, you can’t change it or control it. I call it my three c words. I have also been gaslighted many times, its what addicts do. He will continue to do that manipulate you and lie unless he gets clean. Set boundaries for yourself and make them clear to him so he knows. If he chooses not to get clean leave him. It really doesn’t get better unless the addict comes to terms with their addiction and gets help. I am battling my own marriage but because I have three children I keep praying he will stop using. I’m close to leaving, but I always give one more chance. We become sick too.

[Rae44]

Hi Rachy,

You sound like you are close to going for treatment. The fact that you admit your use is a good start. Go for help now because it will only get worse. Addiction is a progressive disease and cocaine is so powerful. I wish you the best.

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