[silk2431]

Hi my dear.

I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve cried rivers until there were no more rivers anymore.

And i know the unconditional love. And let me tell you something… loving your partner is the best you can do.

I was also at a brink of quitting.

But then i’ve researched a lot. and i mean A Lot. I’ve spend many hours and energy to understand why he just can’t quit. Because my boyfriend has used many years before we were a couple, his dopamine receptor type one neuron aka urge neuron has taking over and the the dopamine receptor type two neuron aka the control neuron has been weakend so much, that there is no more control left. believe me it’s not him. it’s his brain. His brain has taken over.

This is my story: He was my old school flame and when i got divoced I made contact with him again. And we instantly connected again. As if we had no years between us. Then he told me about the drug, that actually enhanced your sex drive. So i’ve joined him and it was amazing. For days on end, we had our sex-capade. But i have to add to this. It was only oral and alot of porn sites. But we were only friends with benefits.

When he was sober we spend o a lot of time together getting to know each other even better. But he just wanted to stay friends. We have so much in common that it is sometimes scare and we realised that we must be soul mates. Its like i think of something and he speaks it out loud. That connection is just amazing.

We are now a couple for about 2 years. Finaly. But he has those demons. He uses cat or the poor mans cocaine. He used to pawn stuff and i had to buy it back again on payday. He has his own practice (hypnotherapy) but because of the economy the patient became less and less. If he get 3 a month its a lot. The patient also have to pay cash for therapy because in our country alternative medicine is not part of the medical aid/insurance. So sometime he phone telling me that the dealer has giving him “gifts” to test out. Then i know that he had a paining customer and instead of bringing the money home he spend it on himself.

He doesn’t go out. He locks himself in his room and watches porn for hours. I’ve stoped using with him. in hope that he notices how dull it is without me. He tells me always that he couldn’t enjoy him so much, because i was not with him. But even though i don’t join he uses. So i became angry at him and we fought a lot. while he was high, and then he picks on me that because of this fight he can’t enjoy it and has to get more. And the cycle just continues. He just can’t controll himself. He wants more and more.

So, i’ve done the “not joining” – that doesnt’ work

I’ve done the “bitch” thing – doesn’t work

I’ve done the “understand” thing – nope. not working.

then i’ve done the “joining again” thing. – Nada. not working.

Then the last time i’ve joined him, I have realised that for me its easy to say “I had enough”. I can stand up and walk away. But he can’t. He has made plans of how to get more money just to have the last one. And he promises that this is the last one. And after he will change. And i believe him. Because when he is sober, that is what he wants. A normal live.

Then the sms of the dealer comes and all hope and dreams are flying out of the window.

And that when i researched on end. And i can’t blame the normal him for loosing control. It’s his control brain wave that has no more control. it’s not him, but his brains.

So i told him actually 2 day ago, that its time for professional help. That he can’t do it on his own anymore. Meditation doensn’t help anymore. And that i have reached out to many centres and asked for help and prices.

But i told him as well, that I am investing a lot of energy of getting him better. That i want a happy health future with him. But he has to change.

He told me, then I should leave him, because he is a looser and a big disappointment. I told him, that this is not an option for me. I am there by his side. Now it is his choice to reach out. And he did. He spoke to someone at a Ibogaine centre.

So lets see, if we can get this sorted once and for all

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