[littleloux]

My partner and I met four years ago and he told me that he had struggled with an addiction to cocaine. At the time, I didn’t really realise the multitude of it.

We moved in together fairly quickly, and over the next two years I continuously asked him to stop doing it, giving him ultimatums of me or the drugs. I tried to stop him seeing his friends who also do cocaine, and to be honest, he did – or as far as I was aware he was completely clean.

But then warning flags started appearing. He spent a lot of the time in the bathroom when I was at home with a ‘bad stomach’ yet refused to go to the doctor. He was constantly feeling ‘run down’. His pay check would last a week, two at most before he had no money yet I couldnt visibly see what/where he was spending his money. Over this period he also had 3 jobs – each time getting fired over his attendance – when I wasn’t in the house (at work or away) he wouldn’t get up in time, or he’d be late. Eventually his employer would get fed up of the excuses.

During this two year period we had countless discussions regarding his drug use. Some would result in really terrible arguments. Some would end with us both in tears. The one common result would be he would beg and promise that he WOULD change, and that he CAN change. And he would, for a couple of weeks.

Towards the end of this two year period, I don’t know what changed, but I stopped questioning him. I let him see whichever friends he wanted, I stopped getting ‘on his case’. But what also happened during this time is that I would occasionally join in with him at weekends. This became a thing that we would do after going out to the pub or for dinner at the weekends, and this was probably the worst decision I’d made.

We moved out of our flat, and we moved into a much nicer property. I decided to go back to school to train to be a sports professional, he took on a new job. We decided that this move would be a fresh start for us, and, for the first couple of months it was. I got back into fitness, spent a lot of time in the gym, was doing amazing with my studies whilst working a full time job. He was doing great too, or again, so as I thought. And then six months ago, drugs became part of our life, more than once a week. For me, it was recreational, I 100% didn’t feel reliant on them. We’d stay up until crazy early hours, even on work nights, sometimes not sleeping before going to work. We were easily spending £400-500 a month. And although I was very aware of how bad this was, I thought it was just a phase and we would stop soon. But it hasn’t and the problems are showing again. This time, mainly in his health. His nose if completely ruined inside, he’s getting extremely bad migraines, he over sweats, he feels unwell almost everyday, I could go on….

We have had a couple of big conversations which as always result in him making promises to quit and telling me he wants to quit however, he’s yet to actually do anything about this.

Four days ago was the final straw, after promising and promising he then went out the next day with friends and here we are, back to square one.

Last night I told him that I can’t go on anymore. I spent the whole day crying, reflecting on the problem and thinking how much this has been affecting me and our relationship.

We are 27 and 34 and both in comfortable paying jobs with excess of £1000 after paying rent and bills. Yet we don’t have any savings, debts have racked up from borrowing money (for him), we don’t own a house, we don’t discuss our future & we haven’t slept with each other in 3 months (I believe this is all part of the addiction). Yet we love each other unconditionally, we support each other so much, we have so many shared interests and we laugh uncontrollable amounts together.

I want a future together more than anything, but I don’t want a future with drugs. I don’t know if he will ever stop, if he can stop, and it’s starting to weigh me down too much. I can’t discuss this with anymore as my work colleagues are my best friends, yet him and I both work at the same place within management and can’t be aware of this. I can’t talk to my parents because they are aware he used to have a problem and if they knew he still does they would force me to leave. I just feel like this has consumed my life for so long without me really realising it, then I got involved and the problem wasn’t there. Reflecting recently I realise it is very much still there.

If anyone could offer any advice, similar things they’ve been through so on, I think it could really help me as at the moment I feel alone and confused.

[silk2431]

Hi my dear.

I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve cried rivers until there were no more rivers anymore.

And i know the unconditional love. And let me tell you something… loving your partner is the best you can do.

I was also at a brink of quitting.

But then i’ve researched a lot. and i mean A Lot. I’ve spend many hours and energy to understand why he just can’t quit. Because my boyfriend has used many years before we were a couple, his dopamine receptor type one neuron aka urge neuron has taking over and the the dopamine receptor type two neuron aka the control neuron has been weakend so much, that there is no more control left. believe me it’s not him. it’s his brain. His brain has taken over.

This is my story: He was my old school flame and when i got divoced I made contact with him again. And we instantly connected again. As if we had no years between us. Then he told me about the drug, that actually enhanced your sex drive. So i’ve joined him and it was amazing. For days on end, we had our sex-capade. But i have to add to this. It was only oral and alot of porn sites. But we were only friends with benefits.

When he was sober we spend o a lot of time together getting to know each other even better. But he just wanted to stay friends. We have so much in common that it is sometimes scare and we realised that we must be soul mates. Its like i think of something and he speaks it out loud. That connection is just amazing.

We are now a couple for about 2 years. Finaly. But he has those demons. He uses cat or the poor mans cocaine. He used to pawn stuff and i had to buy it back again on payday. He has his own practice (hypnotherapy) but because of the economy the patient became less and less. If he get 3 a month its a lot. The patient also have to pay cash for therapy because in our country alternative medicine is not part of the medical aid/insurance. So sometime he phone telling me that the dealer has giving him “gifts” to test out. Then i know that he had a paining customer and instead of bringing the money home he spend it on himself.

He doesn’t go out. He locks himself in his room and watches porn for hours. I’ve stoped using with him. in hope that he notices how dull it is without me. He tells me always that he couldn’t enjoy him so much, because i was not with him. But even though i don’t join he uses. So i became angry at him and we fought a lot. while he was high, and then he picks on me that because of this fight he can’t enjoy it and has to get more. And the cycle just continues. He just can’t controll himself. He wants more and more.

So, i’ve done the “not joining” – that doesnt’ work

I’ve done the “bitch” thing – doesn’t work

I’ve done the “understand” thing – nope. not working.

then i’ve done the “joining again” thing. – Nada. not working.

Then the last time i’ve joined him, I have realised that for me its easy to say “I had enough”. I can stand up and walk away. But he can’t. He has made plans of how to get more money just to have the last one. And he promises that this is the last one. And after he will change. And i believe him. Because when he is sober, that is what he wants. A normal live.

Then the sms of the dealer comes and all hope and dreams are flying out of the window.

And that when i researched on end. And i can’t blame the normal him for loosing control. It’s his control brain wave that has no more control. it’s not him, but his brains.

So i told him actually 2 day ago, that its time for professional help. That he can’t do it on his own anymore. Meditation doensn’t help anymore. And that i have reached out to many centres and asked for help and prices.

But i told him as well, that I am investing a lot of energy of getting him better. That i want a happy health future with him. But he has to change.

He told me, then I should leave him, because he is a looser and a big disappointment. I told him, that this is not an option for me. I am there by his side. Now it is his choice to reach out. And he did. He spoke to someone at a Ibogaine centre.

So lets see, if we can get this sorted once and for all

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