[poppy23]

Me and my partner of five years met and I wasn’t aware he was using cocaine when he went out (which was regular at the time). I can’t even remember how I found out but I think I probably asked him out right or something. Then he started lying about it every time he went out and he would say he didn’t do it when I asked because he didn’t want to lose me. But over time I knew when he was lying to me and I know by how he was the next day, it wasn’t just a hangover. He would drink a lot of alcohol and do cocaine on nights out. Other than social occasions he doesn’t do it (which kind of shows it’s a habit and he has control over it) . However the weekends is the hardest time. There has been too many times over the time we have been together where he has lied to me about it but I always know. I have always been against drugs and I’ve never wanted that in my life or my future. He doesn’t want to do it for the rest of his life either (so he has told me) however it seems to be ingrained in his social circle and pretty much everywhere we go (which I was so naive about).he has even tried meeting new people like a neighbour and people through me but he needs that time away from me to socialise. He just feels like he is trapped because he can’t socialise because ultimately he knows it’s always involved drink and drugs and they aren’t the type of people to go for food and have a chat. And this seems to be very fixed and none of these friends are willing to help either, they do not understand the effect it has. It’s really affecting his mood and he has mood swings and he is really impulsive. His anger levels can go from 0-100.he changes his mind about what he wants every two minutes and for me I need stability. I have had to move out the home for my sanity and because I have no security when I was living with him as it was his house and I would have to leave if we argued about this. I end up being push and pulled and it’s really affecting me and my mental health has deteriorated since I’ve been with him. I now struggle with anxiety which i haven’t done before. Everyone is anxious but not to the extreme it has been. Also financially it’s been a struggle cause he will blow a lot of money on a weekend or a night on cocaine and will start lending money to others when he is in debt himself. I then feel obliged to support him because he gets so depressed about it and I want to make him happy so I end up buying food or “lending” him money that I’ll never get back. It’s so difficult and I’m really struggling. I feel like I used to be responsible with money but even now I’ve become reckless with money in Order to make our lives happy. We end up booking holiday and half the time we aren’t on good terms when we are due to go and we end up wasting money and don’t go. Our relationship is on and off more than a light switch and it’s not normal. He has sought help several times through the local drug agency, however he doesn’t really find it useful and they just listen rather than proactively make an action plan to gradually stop the cocaine use.

Before he met me he said he used to do it a lot more and would be out for days on end. Since he has met me and I’ve said my views and things, he has lessened his use and he does it roughly every 4-6 weeks. The longest he managed without it is three months so that’s really good and a massive progress. However over the last two years it’s been stagnant. He wants kids Desperately and also thinks it will solve things but I disagree and couldn’t bring a child into this relationship whilst it’s happening I’d live to have kids when the time is right and time is ticking. However he feels a lot of pressure because of how I react when he does it and wants to go out to do it and how badly it affects our relationship. I’ve tried to change my ways too and change my approach and slowly the communication has got better at times but there are too many emotions involved and we get nowhere. I’m trying to build up trust but it seem impossible because of the lying. He makes empty promises. I know people will say that it’s not an issue because it’s recreational but he has control over it to some degree but other ways he doesn’t. He just simply wants to socialise with people and not do it. And I want that so bad for him too. He is putting his job and also my family at risk too because of their jobs. I just don’t know where to turn because nothing is working. I need advice

[poppy23]

We have such a close bond and literally this is the only thing we argue about. He is such a lovely person without all this and it really is such a waste to leave this relationship and we have worked hard to improve it. We feel we can’t live without each other and we are best friends. It’s just soul destroying for both of us that this drug destroys families

[lauraj]

Hi Poppy,

I’ve just been scrolling the forum and your post really resonated with me. My boyfriend of 2 years also takes cocaine recreationally but I think he has an addiction.

He does it every weekend without fail, even if he is just having a few drinks with his mates at his house. I went round to check on him today at 3 in the afternoon and he was still off his face from the night before. I hope you are okay..I understand completely how you feel. I also hate drugs of any kind so it really goes against your morals and boundaries when they know this and refuse to stop or just don’t even try to.

I personally don’t think I am willing to put up with it any longer after the amount of conversations he has promised he will stop. I hope you manage to sort things out, but please don’t let it be at the expense of your own mental health.

Laura x

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