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Hello,
I’m hoping to get some advice and more understanding of my partners cocaine addiction
My partner of 3 years went threw therapy to get clean and around a year ago relapsed and is back into the dark place with cocaine abuse
Financially, we are struggling he lies and takes money which is hurting and ruining our relationship
He blames me and gets angry and pressures me to give him money or what he wants.. he sometimes tells me its my fault, I’m a gold digger, anything nasty to make me cave
My mental health is taking a hit because of how agitated he gets when he wants it which is around 5 times a week!
I’ve made a referral with him as he promises he wants to change for the sake of me and his kids, but I’m unsure how much truth he is telling me
How bad is it? I have given in before to his pressures so is he using that to his advantage?
How much do I take before I have to force myself to walk away?
I love him and want to believe when he says he wants help and to change but he has made promises so many times before
He always says its the last time I promise etc
No follow threw .. am I enabling him? Is it partially my fault?
I’m really struggling to stand strong and I need to but the things he says makes me feel helpless and I just want him to stop been angry and blaming me!
I’m so upset and I don’t want to leave him but I can’t bare much more
His family also believe he’s not on it anymore and he swears if I tell them then ill be the one who ruins their life, he says he will tell them I’ve given him money at times and paid
I get attacked by his mother saying I’m take money and advantage when I’m made to lie because he’s spent it on drugs
People hate me and ate turning on me when all I’ve done is stand by his side and try get him help get him out of debt and protect people from getting hurt..
Please someone help me
I feel lost and I don’t know what else to do x
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Hi Mb9345,
Welcome to the Forum.
Your story is like so many others on here, you need to read the other threads and see that the pattern is always the same with the addicts.
None of this is your fault, they have to blame someone, but never themselves.
I am the Mum of an addict (alcohol and cocaine), he is doing just ok at the moment. He had been to rehab twice, but I don’t see any effort being made at the moment, so I just take a step back for now and I wait till the next time that he thinks he’s going to try, it’s not ideal, but this is my coping mechanism at the moment.
My friends and family know my situation, you need people to talk too, and with his family blaming you, I would definitely tell them the truth, at the end of the day what have you got to lose?
They will only do it when they are ready and who knows when that will be.
I would have a good long think about what you want with your children, I wouldn’t wish living with an addict on anyone, it’s like living in hell. I know it’s an illness, but only they can get themselves better.
I don’t want to sound harsh, but it’s not a life I would of chosen, but because he is my Son, I stick around for now, but there is only so much you can take.
Keep in touch on here, read the other threads and take care of you and your children.
Take care
Dx.
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Never think you are on your own. Nobody judges on here and it’s a great place to come and get advice.
Dx
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Its definitely not on you, all the nasty things he says is to make you back down which allows him to do as he wishes. Honesty with his family is best I’ve been in your situation too and once I had told his parents the truth they managed to fit the puzzle pieces together and see it for themselves, unfortunately sounds like shes lashing out as she doesn’t want to believe it.
Im so sorry for what you are going through. Its hard to know when enough is enough. You need to look after yourself first.
I am out of this relationship now but I was in such a bad place then I was relieved to be away from it all. Although I find myself in a very simular situation now.
I understand exactly how you are feeling and I hope things improve for you. X
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Hi MB345 I’m so sorry to read your post as it is identical to what my son did to his ex wife. 3 years ago it all came to a head after their son was 8 months old and she couldn’t take anymore. He is/was a typical cocaine/gambling/alcohol addict. He is 33 but has gambled from a very early age on slot machines then bookies and online. What none of us realised was that he was gambling to pay for his coke addiction which sadly got worse causing the break up. He would do all the things you say your partner is doing, lie be verbally abusive towards her, blame her, use all their money so she had to ask her parents for money to buy formula, twice I had to pay their mortgage. He spent most of his time In bed sleeping it off, no help to his pregnant wife or newborn baby. It was relentless culminating in a break up and divorce which wasn’t his fault if you listen to him. She suffered badly with her nerves, lost her hair, lost weight but I’m so grateful that she found the strength to take this huge step because she is recovering from the hurt and mental abuse she suffered and their son is not witnessing the trauma that would have taken place had she stayed. Fast forward to today and I’d like to give you a happy ending but sadly he has still been using and gambling. He did try a local drug councelling service but he just used lip service to appease everyone. We’ve had countless showdowns about his behaviour but he shows no remorse. The amount of money he has borrowed/gambled to feed his habit is in a 6 figure sum and a lot of that is to us. We have not been strong enough to not help him when he has been crying and begging us to help him, when he promises to stop, when he says he doesn’t want this life, when he threatens us with ending it all if we don’t. He has had a new girlfriend on and off for 2 years but she has said enough is enough now. The worrying thing is he will pester her and pester her like he did with his wife causing her to be more anxious than she already is. He used to be such a fun loving son with lots of friends but now is isolated, lives on his own, speaks to no one and is so selfish. He does have a great bond with his son though and is still holding down a job but this is not how I, as a mother, hoped my son would turn out. So my advice to you because I have seen first hand what this awful drug does is to take your babies and leave. You cannot sustain this relationship unless he stops and if his family are blaming you too, you will suffer more than already are. It’s no life. I thought that my grandson would be reason enough for my son to stop but I was wrong. You are worth more than this so be strong and put you and your children first. Sorry to be so blunt at the end xx
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It sounds so horrible, its something that others should be supporting you both with, im sorry rhat you feel so alone in this.
Everyone sees drinking alcohol as such a normal thing when in reality its a drug that should be classed like the rest of them. Alcohol is a big trigger and it causes so many problems!
I wish I could give you some more advise. I must say that when I was in this situation although they eventually saw the truth it was very much a fight like what you’ve been dealing with. Unfortunately some people never see the problem.
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Change your number and move on.
You will never get thanks or answers for all that you have done and put up with.
The more you put up with the worse it gets
Manipulation is the key tool of an addict and you have had it used on you in and now out of the relationship both ways just to benefit his drug use; never to do anything for your benefit.
His parents will protect him that’s there problem if they don’t want address it properly
Cry, grieve get angry but don’t go back
Honestly hold your head up you have done nothing wrong but fall in love with someone who only has eyes for his addiction and will do anything to protect her.
You don’t need to prove yourself
Good times are around the corner just go for it
What the hell have you got to stay for?
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