[hox]

After fourteen wonderful years of marriage my loving, hardworking husband has decided he is a different person. It is like someone has invaded his body and mind. Everything that he has held close, my mum our pets and myself are excluded from his life. The only ones remaining are the family and friends that partake in the alcohol and cocaine lifestyle. What was a once or twice a year line of coke has now become a three times a week habit. He stays out all night, comes back smelling of alcohol and high, sleeps for a few hours then throws up all day. He has a constant runny nose and always complains he has a cold or he must have flu. He doesn’t lie about the cocaine use but does about the amount he’s taking. To witness this happening to my husband is truly heartbreaking and I cannot fight against this addiction. I am now suffering myself from anxiety, panic attacks and sleepless nights. I feel utterly helpless.

[danman83]

Hox am going through simular thing.but i have it once a month.but it went worse in november and december. But now my gf will leave me if i have it again. So i am doing my very best not to have it.

Does he drink every time he has coke? Alcohol makes me want to get coke.

And the main thing is he has to want to quit it.. does he want to quit it?

[hox]

Don’t lose your girlfriend and become a different person. I wish I had seen the signs so that I could have given him an ultimatum when he was ‘himself’ as he would have done anything for me then. I saw none, he hid it well.

He drinks every time he has coke.

He doesn’t think he has a problem as he has previously told me that coke does nothing for him. I cannot understand how he does not know that coke is the reason why he has changed as a person. Why do you take it if it does nothing for you? I’m at a loss.

[reb]

Hi Hox, my partner uses coke now n again n for a while I just accepted it as a normal part of life as other parts of our relationship were so good n I just kinda compared it to someone having a drink for a buzz (allthough obviously not a legal buzz). It seems however to be gradually taking over. He seems to hav a lack of interest in anything else n allthough makes the effort to spend small pockets of time with me still I feel he’s dying to ‘get it out of the way’ like hes trying to appease me first so he can ‘escape’ to go and chase something more exciting. My self esteem is lowering n we seem to be constantly arguing. Im not sure where to turn either so sorry if this isnt much help but I guess I understand how you feel.

[hox]

I accepted it too , not as a normal part of life but as a thing that his friends and some of his family do when on a night out or a night in at the home of some of his friends. I thought it was harmless to him like you say just a buzz.

My husband won’t spend any time with me. He ignores me as much as he possibly can. and can’t even look me in the eye. He too has no interest in anything that he previously did.

Before this change we honestly did not argue our lives to us were perfect. We rubbed along well, each of us easy going.

I appreciate you telling me as I have felt so alone and isolated throughout this. It does help. Have you told him to stop taking the coke for the sake of you both?

[reb]

Thank you Hox for your reply. I also feel very alone. I havent told him to stop as Im not sure he can without help. Im also not sure at this stage that he wants to or will choose me over the coke and I know it might sound weak but im not ready to end things with him yet. Im just trying to think of some conditions at the moment that I put to him to protect myself and see if things improve. I was thinking of telling him to go for help or move out. My gut is at the moment though that he doesnt see his lifestyle as a problem. Hes sees my view of it as the problem and I might have to come to terms with the fact we dont want the same things from life. I guess I feel lucky that I do have good freinds around me but I havent had the courage to be honest with them about it yet x

[hox]

I wouldn’t be chosen, the coke would win hands down. I don’t think either of us is weak fighting for our loved ones but I would rather my husband be under the same roof because I am worried that he will overdose. Will anyone else look out for him I think not. He could die on someones sofa or crash his car, I’m dreading that knock on the door.

I think we will know when the time is right to be truthful with friends and family.

[reb]

Its strange as Ive never worried too much about him overdosing, n Im not sure why. I think its more his behaviour changes , unpredictable moods n mental health which effect me the most. I dont often see him vomiting like you described n maybe if I did I would worry more about his physical health n find it harder to think about asking him to leave. My partner does still have his own room in a shared house but spends most of his time at mine as we were working towards living together properly as soon as my son moved out but at the minute I dont think its a good idea.

[danman83]

Well it does do something… it gives u a buzz for 20 min.. and its soo addictive. Ive not had it this year. And i dont want lose my fam.so im so determined to stop. He really needs to admit he has a problem and wants to quit.. ive been having it once a month may be 2 times a month and never thought i was addicted. But from what ive researched.. i am. And ive accepted it and now am fixing it.. you or your hubby need to you tube louise clarke and watch her videos on cocaine addiction. And how to stop.. and how it work. It will help so much.. but in the end if he doesnt admit he has a problem.. he doesnt want to quit.. and hes only thinking of number 1.. maybe you shold too!!!

[hox]

I’ve watched the first part of the video and its interesting. It could help us if he admits he has a problem. He is not there yet even though all the ailments that he has I have told him are down to the coke he just fobs me off and disagrees.

[danman83]

And to be honest 3 times is alot..i learned from that louise clarke video today who is an expert.. if you have been taking coke for over 6 month.. you are addicted! Doesnt matter if its once a month. You are addicted.

[hox]

Tonight I have had a conversation with my husband about how much coke he uses.

He has admitted that he takes it once a week not three times when he goes out but here is the shocking news he can have more than four lines in one night………

I’m devastated as he really thinks he hasn’t got a problem.

[reb]

Hi Danman. Do you mind me asking whats the best way for a family member to help you stop?

[danman83]

Are you the family member? Or the user?

[hox]

I’ve never taken drugs myself but my husband, the majority of his friends and some of his family do.

Our mutual friends don’t partake either so he’s not tempted or spurred on when we are out with them. Problem being, he’s not interested in them anymore.

[danman83]

Reb… ive read your replys.. its your partner then..well… 100percent the user needs to admit he has a problem and that he wants to quit.. you can try as much as you want but if he does not want to. Your flogging a dead horse.. i asked my gf and mum for help. I bought a safe and i only used fri or sat.. and my gf locks my phone away in the safe.. i dont go out any more.. make sure ge doesnt drink alcohol as this triggers wanting coke. . If they want to quit. Help them as much as possible. He needs take up something to keep him busy. Make sure hes deleted dealers numbers. Watch some videos on you tube of louise clarke on cocaine. Its so helpful..ive started watching them today.. does he want to quit and admit he has a problem?

[reb]

I will watch it too later.

Thanks to both of u for sharing n the advice x

[danman83]

Theres a few.. but watch crack/ cocaine part 1 2 3

[danman83]

Hox, he really does need to admit he has a problem, i have and im doing this for me, the rest will fall in to place, family life will get better. But what i have learned is you need to do it for yourself. The amount of times ive stayed in bed saturday day because i had coke fri night and missed spending it with my kids, is all my fault. So if hes not admitting he has a problem. Maybe you need to make him aware of how bad it is. And then you have to make the decision.. are you happy staying with him as he doesnt want to admit or stop. Or do you need to think of number 1 and be happy.

[hox]

He won’t admit it until something bad happens to him I’m sure. He has ruined our relationship. He knows how bad things are for me but he’s ok. So thats alright with him. He has become selfish. I’m trying to do things on my own but it’s hard after all these years of constantly being together.

[danman83]

You put it was great for 14 year? So how long has it been going down hill for? Has he started on coke when its been 14 year or all the time? Something has changed him..and your right its hard doing things on your own. Together and being on your own. Financially. Have you asked how much he spends on it?

[hox]

We have had a wonderful marriage for fourteen years.

It suddenly changed in June last year. Said he felt like he was a different person, he wasn’t the same any more.

He took coke once or twice a year three years ago. He didn’t go out often and would refuse a line.

We have had a bit of a stressful time over the last two years with a court case keep being put off. But we were coping. He started to go out more often, twice a week but he was not taking anything then. Just getting drunk on a Saturday night and being hung over all next day. It started to change in March last year. The three times a week, getting pissed and on the coke. Then June it all exploded.

His friends all have money and he has a good job. Never asked how much but anything that you put up your nose or puke out is too much for me.

[danman83]

They say we take drugs to escape from things. So that court thing could of made it worse. Im only guessing here. If hes on good money i doubt he will just be getting 1 bag.. you have 1 then you want more and more. I cant suggest anything else. Other than just keep making him aware what hes doing. And ask him cut down at least and spend more time with you. If hes having it every week. He is addicted to it. Its leathal stuff and i wish i never had it.. it makes you so depressed when its wearing off and suicidal. Thats because its used all your dopamines in your brain.

[hox]

He upped his going out and drinking I think to escape the court case. Not to escape from me as I know wholeheartedly I was never a problem for him. We were always each others rock and supported each other through everything in life. The drinking has got him down and then he quickly got on the coke. I can understand the pressure he is under. The area we live is also rife with cocaine use it’s a nightmare if you go out, it’s on tap.

He isn’t suicidal though, he’s taking big risks with his health and money.

He doesn’t want to spend time with me now, even though before all this he always asked if I minded him going out or if I’d made plans for us. If I asked him to stay in with me he would and enjoy being with me. If I reserved a table in restaurant he would be there in a shot. He would not begrudge me anything. His purpose in life was to make me, his wife happy and for fourteen years he did so.

[georgia26]

I feel so sad for you reading your post – it must be absolutely heartbreaking for you. I am in a less worse position I guess, what started in the casual drinking for my boyfriend turned into a habit, the drinking habit was recognised and he does go to support groups and relapses every 4 ish weeks, when he does relapse he couldnt give a damn about me or anyone, just himself. Hes started doing cocaine as soon as he drinks too, he definitely has a problem and relapses and then has mental issues after, which is so hard for me to deal with. Until your husband admits he has an issue i think this problem will escalate. Its so so sad and such a difficult situation to be in, sending lots of love to you and strength to get through this, its so utterly horrendous xxxxx

[hox]

I was teary when I read your post. thank you for confiding in us and telling of your experiences.

It is a sad time and I’m heartbroken.

I feel we are all in a bad position and need help but being on here does help me. Seeing that I am not alone and can also be anonymous too. We can tell the whole truth as we see it and not be judged or feel embarrassed.

My husband won’t admit he has a problem so I know its going to get worse with his health and then probably financial issues. I have to wait for him to admit he has a problem and try to deal with it, but I have then got to think about his mental health and his ability to accept help and what if he can’t manage it like you are experiencing. It is horrendous.

[georgia26]

Me too, knowing others understand helps me too. I explain things to friends and family and they think I am over reacting as they dont know the extent of it all, his own Mum doesnt think he has a problem, she thinks he is doing it as a stress reliever and in affect I think so too but I also think he cant not, as soon as he has 1 drink thats it, there is 0 control. No matter what I say whether it be me threatening to leave etc he doesn’t care, the alcohol and cocaine comes first and that says a lot.

Just know its not you, nothing youve done. Addiction is the hardest thing to understand when you arent an addict yourself. I am thinking of going to a support group or something , ive emailed the charity help@icarustrust.org

I wish I had the answers.. youre right cocaine is everywhere you turn these days, its so frustrating. I am not a drinker or drug taker myself, I dont get why youd want to make yourself feel that horrendous AND pay for it.

My husband gets such bad mental health problems after drinking (the days after) he feels suicidal.. yet he cant help himself and relapses.

Being 27, wanting to start a family etc, its so difficult as everyone says run a mile, but I love him so much.. but I feel like its going to get worse.

I saw that hes also been through a tough time like my husband, maybe that was the trigger? mine went through an awful divorce and didnt see his children for almost 2yrs which really hurt him. He blames that trauma for turning to drugs/alcohol, its only once a month now but too much of a risk for me.

He has a problem but only admits it when it suits him..

Is your husband willing to go to the doctors and get help? gosh, I dont know how you deal with it, do you have a family?

When he goes out on one, what do you do? this is where I struggle, as I get angry and lose my temper and it makes him even worse and he drinks even more, he says me getting angry with him does the opposite and I should support him.

I feel like I am fighting a battle constantly with this, I am 27 and my life is on hold as I cannot risk having children with him, he is 32….. my mum says I should run a mile now but its so hard 🙁

[hox]

My husband says he hasn’t got a problem. He wants to take it.

I do have family but I keep it away from them. It’s really hard trying to keep it from them as he was always a family man, joining in and helping everyone out. Now he is the invisible man. He only wants to be with those who have the same ‘hobby’

I get angry too and have lost my temper, one thing I have never done in our relationship. I’m not myself anymore.

[danman83]

If you are not yourself.. forget him you have tried your best.. he doesnt want to get help..so go let your hair down go out with your mates.. treat your self to a spa or some nice clothes.. hes putting the money up his nose. So u need something to make you happy. He will soon realise

[hox]

I’m going to have to start treating myself to take my mind of the situation. Like you say he’s putting money up his nose. What a waste.

[georgia26]

he does this once a month ish – he went to the pub from work last night, which is a no go, he hasnt done that in months, he called me after an hour crying saying hes done it again. All his friends do it casually. He has never been a drug taker, he finally admitted he had a problem last night, he said its like when its there and offered to him its an angel devil situation and the temptation is too much, alcohol is a no go when youre an addict, it lets barriers down.. I cant leave him, not like this. Seeing him broken, crying, a strong man.. I feel so sad for him and me as its putting me through hell.

[danman83]

Its exactly same what ive been doing. Im not defending him, but it is hard and i have not had it since new year. Big thing is hes admitted it now. He needs to learn about emotion, and mental and physical relapse now. To avoid it.. and make him watch the 1st part of louise clarke on cocaine on you tube. He will realise then hes an addict. If you need any help just ask ive learned a lot how to quit.. its just sticking to it.. and my opinion your doing right thing staying and helping him out.. if my gf kicked ne out now, id get a flat, i work hard aswell, and ill be getting coke every weekend. Then coming down on my own in flat all by myself. God know what id do. Am so gratefull my gf helps me. Just be on his case and keep telling him be positive.. theres an app called pocket rehab.. its were people have all sorts of addictions and its like a chat room and you all help each other out its great.and tell him dont be ashamed of downloading it. Up 2 u tho.

[georgia26]

thank you so much, I will tell him to watch her videos. It is hard isnt it, I want to support him. I cant leave him, he cant help it. It is hard though as I am suffering because of it – its definitely anxiety relapses that causes it for him. Does sound similar to what youre doing, glad I have your advice, the hardest thing is, he drank last night and didnt do no coke, then got home and snuck out the front and did it even know he knew how upset I was.. hes so selfish when he drinks or sniffs coke, its heartbreaking

[danman83]

I normally relapse after 1 month. They say cravings last a month. And 2 to 3 month your brain is trying to make u want it sneakily. You have to be off it 2 years they say to be really off it.. if u know hes relapsing every 4 week. On the 4th and 5th and 6th week. Be on his case. Take his phone off him.. dont let him drink at all!! And tell him do a hobbie or something. Then thats a good way of stopping and not relapsing

[icarus-trust]

Hi Hox and REB,

Thanks for posting.If you would like some support for yourselves please contact us at The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people having to deal with the addictive behaviours of a family member. We have trained and experienced people that you could talk with who would understand what you are going through.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope that this is useful.

[hox]

Danman, Reb and Georgia, you are a lifeline and you all help so much at this lonely time. Thank you. Lets hope for peace in our hearts and minds and the same for our loved ones.

[danman83]

I dont really want to say this vox.. but it sounds like you two was in the perfect relationship.. and for this to stop like that and he dont want to know you.. have you thought hes seeing someone else? It makes you do stupid stuff coke.

[hox]

No, he’s not seeing anyone else, he cannot look after what he’s got never mind have someone else. He does do all kinds of stupid stuff though. His new relationship is the cocaine and alcohol, its a full time role.

[danman83]

Well thats what ive learned off that you tube video.. u have to treat your addiction as a partnership. And its like some violent partner and you have to leave it. And keep telling your self i dont want it again or him again.. its all mentally. I really do hope u sort it. Be a shame to lose 14 good years. It looks like something bad will have to happen before he stops.

[hox]

Something bad will have to happen for him to realise he has a problem.

[reb]

Hi Georgia, one of hardest things Ive found is being scared of what other people think which means I constantly cover things up n pretend alls ok which stops u getting the help u need.

Cos I still work in services supporting people Ive always felt afraid to access services myself in case people judge us n think Im not capable of doin my job or summit.

Stigma around drugs does exist n you cant deny it,

But I wouldnt beleive someone else wasnt capable of think less of them if they were having problems so think its time for me to bite the bullet n contact local support myself.

I hope you manage to get some support too through this.

This forum has been a great start for me this week and I really appreciate it x

[georgia26]

My husband relapsed tonight, 2 weeks in. I’m devastated.

[hox]

I’m sorry to hear this devastating news, sorry for both of you. I haven’t even got to this stage yet and don’t know if I ever will.

[danman83]

Sorry about that mate..but its a wednesday night. What the hell is he getting it on wed for.. mines just weekend really. And i admit i have a problem. But tonight , he must be bad am afraid to say. Has he been pub or out? Or has he just got some and having it in the house??

[danman83]

Make sure you do and make sure you show him your happy and enjoying life.

And go out with your mates for drinks and meals. Im guilty as sin wasting money. But my kids have got everything they needed. But that money could of gone on my kids . So its not good at all. Get youself a new outfit and get in town with a mate this weekend!

[georgia26]

I agree I do need to go out and do these things but I worry what he’ll do if I am not around.

[danman83]

Hes definitely going through downers if hes crying. Its all to do with dopamine in your brain. If you know how that works?

[danman83]

Its a disease at end of the day. I wish i never touched the stuff. Airplance pilots and docs are addicted to it my sister said who works with councillors.

Ive been watching russell brands videos on you tube about his heroin and crack addiction and recovery. Thats good. . But gods honest truth now its gonna be hard for him.. he needs cut everything off to do with coke. Dont even go down streets were you get it from. Mates the lot.. they say you need find mates who dont do it! Good luck with that lol. My gf takes my phone off me at the weekends and puts it in a safe lol

[hox]

I’m surprised how many folk do take it. I cannot see my other half keeping clear of his coke mates. He has had mates that don’t indulge but they are of no interest.

[danman83]

Just have see how it goes. And you think of yourself if he is. Im having dreams at the mo about using.. so i know my brain wants it. So im readin and watching extra coke addiction recovery things and told me gf to be extra strict with me. You need to know when its coming and nip a bud in it early. Coz when its mental relapse. Thats when its hard.

[hox]

It is good that you are telling your GF how she can help you and that you are finding things like the videos to help yourself. It helps me prepare for what could happen too.

[danman83]

Good luck mate.

[georgia26]

Oh god its awful isnt it? we all laugh about it but humans really are so weird. This made me smile this morning reading this. As mine relapsed on Wednesday his mental health is horrendous, he went mad last night in rage and threw our wheelie bin across the garden 🙂 this is what drugs/alcohol do to him the days after, he cries and hates it, I am so so done with crying. He is so determined but I have heard it so many times before. Counselling starts Monday. I cant cope with the anxiety. He works from home on Fridays too which gives him a free rein so makes me feel worse, you cant get away from the stuff its everywhere, I wont be a hypocrite as I did it the odd weekend occasionally but I dont get the big deal, I hate the stuff it made me feel paranoid – although its hard as i havent ever been addicted to nothing, not even a fag.

Its so hard to try and understand, it is a disease, youre right, but it drags everyone around you down.

[hox]

The ‘husband’ has been at his dads. This has helped because there is plenty of alcohol but no chance of getting cocaine there. He has also been ill over the last week so he hasn’t wanted to go out. Said no to the ‘mates’ on the end of the phone. Not Thursday, not Friday. But now he has gone out to see these ‘friends’, all the anxiety comes back. It only takes him to meet up for breakfast and then I’m sure he will be tempted to go out tonight. I’m hoping he has realised he feels better without the coke.

[danman83]

Minute theres alcohol he will want it. Trust me.

[hox]

I trust you, I’ve learned a lot in a short time. Soon as he has a drink he will have it. He has gone out, I knew he would.

[hox]

Update. He’s been out a few times over the last few weeks one he came home drunk at 4am. The other he stayed out for fifteen hours. Called me on the way home and said he’d been to London. Then later it’s somewhere else. After wasting hours in bed on Sunday he is violently sick, Nothing unusual but he’s telling me there’s something wrong as he’s sicking blood. He won’t go to the doctors.

Today he called me at work saying that he’s moving out next week as he doesn’t love me and doesn’t know why, he feels uncomfortable. He also feels guilty and cannot stop crying as he says he knows how much he’s hurting me but cannot help how he’s feeling., He cannot explain how he went from loving me so much and couldn’t live without me to nothing. When I asked about the welfare of his animals he says that he doesn’t care when he’s losing humans in his life. He says that he will continue the renovations on our house and will give me money each month because he won’t let me go without financially. Why bother about me?

I have spoken to him and he now swears on his dads life that he hasn’t been abusing cocaine only alcohol. He says that about four years ago he had been on it for a while but it didn’t affect his mind at the time. He admitted that he kept that away from me. Now he takes a tiny bit to keep him going when drinking.

What do you think? I’m at a loss.

I was brave earlier and told him to leave as I was so angry and upset about him telling me he was moving out, in fact giving me notice. But then I relented, I couldn’t bear to see him so upset and told him not to go, even though to see him upsets me and to be apart does also. He says that he fully understands if I hate him and he deserves all he gets. He hopes that he is sent to prison in a few months when the trial goes ahead as he wants to distance himself from everyone and all around him but when asked he says he’s not worried about the prospect of going to court.

I’m going to be upset next week when he moves out but I think I have got slightly braver. We have talked more today than we have in months regretfully not to a happy ending.

[reb]

Hi Hox. Thats such sad news for you. It sounds like stuffs hit rock bottom.

Maybe he cant feel love for anyone at the moment and you have more to give to the people in your life who can actually give you some love back?

Is he likely to go to prison for whatever hes in court for?

I hope you have some hood freinds around you at present?

[hox]

Yes he’s likely to go to prison. It’s been hanging over our heads for over two years. You are right he hasn’t any love for anyone or anything.

I have a few friends that I can talk to but most are mutual friends as you do in happy coupledom, I couldn’t burden them with my unhappiness and troubles. It’s a lonely time and we have definitely hit rock bottom.

Worst thing is he says he doesn’t go out three times a week and hasn’t stayed out all night for a long time plus he doesn’t get drunk two nights in a row. If he can’t remember these things how can he remember watering that seed?

[reb]

Sounds like you have tried everything and the only thing now is to try and protect you?

Will you stand by him if he is sent down? Do you think if he is it may give you time on your own to think more clearly about what you want and need?

Maybe with all the chemical confusion he also needs time alone to tap in to his real feelings if he has any left.

Time apart may be the only way to salvage your marriage if there is anything left and also for you to regain your strengh and sense of self?

[reb]

Obviously I know its not just that easy. Ive just started gettin help from Icarus trust. They are awesome. They have arranged weekly phone calls for me at the minute with a worker. Maybe this could help you too?

[hox]

I will get in touch, I’m glad they are helping you out. They might be able to help me too.

[hox]

I have stood by him and I will continue to do so, I haven’t faltered in my support over the court case.

He does need time locked away for us both, hopefully to get the chemicals (if there are any) out of his system and I know he’s in a safer environment. It’s a horrible thought though when you’ve previously wanted him proven innocent so that we could carry on our lives without the dark cloud hanging over us.

[georgia26]

It might be the best thing for him to be honest. How long is he looking at doing? youre so brave, you may realise when he goes away that you are better off without him to be honest. You dont deserve it. xx

[hox]

Between two and eight years. I have tried to be brave and have been supportive but after the cocaine abuse I feel like all this has been thrown in my face. I feel humiliated. Folk have known how much I have been there for him only to be cast aside at the last hurdle. I know the treatment dished out is not deserved.

[jk3]

It’s like I wrote this message myself. Super concerned bout my hubby what stared couple of times a year but I think it’s more of a daily thing now to be honest. I had a proper heart to heart with him about everything n he promised me he’d stop or if he did any he would be honest. I honestly don’t think he has stopped, constant running nose, head aches, numerous trips to toilet (& always goes to one furthest away from where I am) zero appetite, drinking & seems to avoid spending time with me n kids as much as possible, and if he dies not for long & it’s all rushed like he’s trying to appease me.

Does this sound like someone who is still on it? Cause I’m going stir paranoid mode atm 🙁

[hox]

It sounds like he’s still on it. My ‘husband’ told me that he was embarrassed sniffing coke. It didn’t stop him though, he just did it when I wasn’t there or in another room.

‘Husband’ was constantly complaining he’d got flu. Sneezing, runny rose, nose bleeds, constantly on the toilet with blood in his stools. Head aches and aching bones…….

It was the court case that changed his habit though. He told me that he was focusing on negative thoughts and he would go out get drunk to forget his troubles. The coke would come out so that he could stay out all night.

Has your hubby had something happen for him to up his usage or is it the friends he chooses to be around?

[jk3]

No nothing has happened to him, he started using from once or twice a year to more n more frequent. I just feel I am married to another person. Today is his day off n right now he’s sound asleep anyone would think it’s him that’s been up feeding baby every 3 hrs in the night. I’m sorry don’t mean to play victim card, but I have no one I can talk to about this and it’s just nice to get it out without feeling judged.

[hox]

Same here once or twice a year, then he got greedy.

I too felt like I was married to a completely different person, unrecognisable. It was shocking the changes in him.

My husband too would sleep all day after his all night sessions.

I don’t think you are playing the victim at all, you are suffering through all of this. I found support on here when I had nowhere else to turn. People that understood what I was going through.

[jk3]

Thank you, it’s nice to sort of talk to people that understand and r experiencing the same. Can’t talk to my family or friends cause they will hate him n b very judging.

I wanna to him again n let him know how I’m feeling but I know he just gonna tell me he no longer doing it wen I know deep down he is, then he’ll turn round on me saying I’m calling him a liar n there is no trust. Think I may just bite the bullet just need to know wen.

Thank u for understanding ????

[hox]

I couldn’t talk to family or friends either, I wanted to keep it quiet.

I found that he didn’t care about anything the alcohol and coke came before my feelings. I found my husband would try to manipulate me and would lie which was completely out of character.

You can tell him how you are feeling but it won’t make him stop. He has to want to stop using. My ‘husband’ didn’t think he had problem never mind an addiction to the stuff. Stopping wasn’t an option at the time.

I do understand only too well.

[jk3]

Sorry didn’t mean to press question marks ????

[jk3]

No I want to keep quiet too, cause I’m embarrassed.

I know he needs to want to stop, and by me talking to him yep again hoping he will want too. If he doesn’t I think we are in need of serious space.

[goose]

This reads like what I’m doing now to my wife. I struggle to stop my self I know I shouldn’t do it I know. But I’ll do it stay out all night rock in total disrespect. Yet the week after again same. In the week I come down and think that’s it no more. I’m now looking at myself is it a lack of backbone or addiction ? Is saying I have a addiction a cop out ? Am I man enough to control my vices ? I don’t know where to turn

[hox]

Hi Goose.

This forum is where to turn. It does help if you want it to.

It has helped me when I thought I was the only one that had a husband that reacted this way to taking cocaine. Everyone else was having a good time in his circle of friends and didn’t seem to have the problems with the come downs that he was experiencing.

You say that in the week when you have come down ‘that’s it no more’ can I ask why you say you want no more?

[lindey]

hi knew to this,i married the love of my life in august I new he did cocain now and then like 3 times a year since getting married he is taking it a lot more leading up to Christmas he was doing it evrt night I was waking up and walking over him asleep in the kitchen he started getting aggressive when on it so i told him it was over if he didn’t stop he promised he would think that lasted two weeks since he is doing it evry weekend some times not coming home.

i really don’t know what to do ive tried talking to him but its difficult as he gets angry im not eating ive got anxiety im so unhappy i work all week and now dread the weekends.

[fedup]

What is your situation now? X

[hox]

It seems like the lovely life they have had is not as good as the cocaine they put up their nose. We cannot compete. No amount of talking and threatening to leave will make a difference. They will lie and manipulate to get hold of that coke.

I’ve never seen my ‘husband’ angry in my presence before the coke took hold of his personality. I used to look forward to seeing my ‘husband’ return from work and used to live for the weekends. After, believe me I dreaded every moment.

I was unhappy, anxious, not eating and working all week too. But they don’t care anymore. Only about their next line.

I have started looking after myself now physically and mentally because I am of no use being a pathetic mess. I need to respect myself.

I hope life becomes easier for you. Stay strong.

[fedup]

.

[hox]

My ‘husband’ told me he thought he could be depressed. I told him he wasn’t and that it was the alcohol and cocaine he was using but he didn’t agree. Like you say it is laughable really drinking and sniffing that up your nose. He used to be an intelligent man.

It is the same where we live, drinking and coke is normal and ours is a nice area too. My ‘husband’ used to say it disgusted him even though he did it himself. I wondered why at the time because when we went out only I didn’t partake and everyone seemed to be having a much better time than me. I was just fed up, bored and uncomfortable. I have learned a lot.

I too have been supportive and done everything I can but it has gotten me nowhere. I have had enough of the disrespect. The CBT is working that I have been referred to and the anti depressants are getting me back on track. ‘Husband’ is at HMP so hopefully cannot get hold of any. Then again I know you can get hold of everything in there for a price.

Life has changed, I’m not free because of the mess he has left me in financially because of the crimes he has been imprisoned for but I am progressing and I am now hating the person he has become.

[crave88]

Hello everyone. I have read every single post here.

I just recently got out of a relationship with this girl that used cocaine. She was in such denial about it its unbelievable. She had also all the signs. Moody, restless, constant runny nose, headaches, feeling ill, all of it. And often.

I was so inlove with her. And I tried to talk to her about it. Even mention all the things above. Tell her about my concerns. But she just deflected everything. “Its not that much”. She made me paranoid and feel stupid. But my gut told me something was up.

I know for a fact in my heart she was using ALOT more than she told me she did. Not a day went without her blowing her nose and having these signs. She said it was a cold or because her being allergic to pollen. But pollen causes itchy eyes aswell as runny nose. And she only had a runny nose.

She also has two sons with shared custudy with their father also. Which makes this alot more depressin and sad.

In the beginning I understood that she was using and confronted her after a party we both went to. The day after I told her I dont want to be with her if she does coke. And she said she did go to addiction center and did tests every week. What i didnt know then is that addicted people play those test easy as stealing candy from a kid.

But the signs never stop. The nose, the mood, all of it. So I had to end it.

I had to break up with her against my will. Because I was so inlove it was crazy. I still am as I am writing this with tears down my face.

And soon after she got someone new already and she never understood my concern about her use or anything. I feel so betrayed and like a such a loser for falling for what she said to me. Please someone. I need support I am at a loss

[hox-26]

Sorry to hear this. You are not a loser believe me you will eventually realise you are a winner. We cannot help who we fall in love with and cocaine will ruin most relationships. We all believe their lies in the beginning and I understand your feeling betrayed. Cocaine will come first in a relationship and they will never understand your concern you have been brave to get out of it as you would have been enabling her to continue.

[saz]

Hi. My husband is using cocaine about 3 times a week and drinks excessively on those days too. We have two young children. He had a breakdown in December and stayed sober for a month but has slipped back in to his ways quite quickly. He thinks I don’t know where his ‘stuff’ is but I do, and I’ve become some mad detective in my own home. I’m not happy with the way things are going but dont know how to approach him or what to do next. Would appreciate any advice xxxx

[danman83]

Hey Saz. I’m 2 weeks clean from coke today. I’m doing my best to stop – I hate the stuff. Does he want to quit? It will be a lot better if he does.

He needs to delete all dealers numbers and friends. He also needs to take up new hobbies – to keep him busy.

To keep me busy – I do these things; I listen to addiction recovery podcast, gym, read, play with the kids and a few other things. I also watch on you tube – recovery mum, she was an ex coke addict and has some great videos. I’m also reading a lot now which helps me – and I never read before. Feel free to ask me out

[hox-26]

Danman has given advise on how he deals with his situation as he wants to stop. Does your husband want to? It is a difficult situation because he may think he hasn’t got a problem. We cannot make them stop whatever we say, do or threaten. They need to do it themselves.

I too was looking everywhere. I still find the dreaded stuff now and other drugs around the place. It will drive you mad in the end this detective work. There is no right time to approach him if he is not ready.

[reb]

Hi,

Not posted for a while, but its been good to look back at everyone’s comments but sad to see so many people effected by the same things.

The help I had from Icarus trust was amazing – phoned me every week at agreed times when it was safe for me to talk. Also since I was last on here, I found a local support service for family members of drug users (out of my area so I felt it was confidential enough – but near enough for me to get to. They were really great – just listened with no judgement). They sent me on a day group work course for ‘carers’ which helped me learn to look after my own needs better, I also started having some counselling to try and work out why I was still struggling to let go of a relationship that was making me feel so bad.

Iv’e been really lucky having the above and have gradually started to have more confidence to confide in a couple of close friends who I really trust. Being able to finally feel able to be more honest with someone close to me has been a massive relief. I have chosen these friends carefully though as I know many people will judge him and me for choosing to stay with him.

I guess the problem with addictions is that what causes them is so complex and its still so misunderstood that many people in the world want to judge it so negatively. I think this maybe stops people and their families seeking the help they need and being honest? Living a double life and the ‘lie’, pretending we were ok when we are far from it has been one of the things I have felt hardest. Sometimes I feel like my face would crack with the false smiles I have put on.

Problem is the behaviours that come with addiction – the lying, cheating, stealing, the wrecklessness, the compulsion to use over the consequences to those around it, can make a person seem so dis-likeable and untrustworthy to those who don’t know them well (I know many people suffer violence from their loved ones too – I’m lucky iv’e never experienced that from this partner). To those who do know them well, it’s so confusing as we love their good parts and crave seeing that person again, but we are constantly hurt by their behaviours so are constantly in conflict as to how to treat them what to do to help them or to protect ourselves.

I didn’t really identify as being a ‘carer’ but guess we kinda are in a way if you accept addiction as a disease where someone loses the ability to control the compulsion to use? I know there are others that have been forced to do much more than myself both practically and financially though. I felt like had I started parenting my partner so I guess it is caring in a way (waking him up for work in a morning, doing all the cooking, cleaning, getting up with his kids when they come to stay while he snores away on his back. I gave up trying to wake him up time and time again as it made me too angry but then doing what I felt like he should be doing made me angry too so it’s hard to win). I don’t know if me being like this though has done either of us any good. Maybe I’m too soft, I don’t know?

If I look at addiction as a disease I feel less angry with my partner but with that in mind am uncertain if I then enable him in some ways which could be feeding the addiction? It would be good to hear from anyone who has struggled with their drug use what is the best thing that helps from their partners or family members? Can you reduce it back to now and again use or do you think you need to try and cut it out completely? What do we do as family members to help? Do we need to be more strict? Do we need to to be more understanding? Is it more about how we learn to communicate with each other? How honest should we be with our kids?

The Carer’s course told us not to take responsibility for things which the people we were caring for could do for themselves, I find its hard to know which of these things are always. Its easier to know if someone has a broken leg that they cant walk and might need help with lifting and cooking and stuff but less obvious when a problem is with someones mind or mental health. I do believe my partner has PTSD, he doesn’t sleep and has nightmares. He went to the GP for counselling re this but what I don’t know is if he was honest about his coke use and how much that was contributing to his symptoms.

I told my partner I needed us to to get coke out of our lives or I would end things with him and I meant it this time. I appreciate however its not going to be that easy for him to just stop but he is pretty negative about using services – he has been through them all in the past and doesn’t feel they can teach him any more. I think its his pride as well.

I am taking a good look at myself in terms of what mixed messages I give and trying to be clearer on what I will or won’t tolerate. I’m still not 100% clear but am working on it in counselling and I’m getting there. If I didn’t have a problem with him using now and again on a night out in the past would I still tolerate it now given how things have got? What would I do if I found him using coke in my house? What would I do if we went on a night out now and he was using, what would I do if I stayed at his and found him using downstairs after I had gone up to bed? I’m still uncertain if my life can improve with him in it and how to contribute to us moving forwards together if that is possible.

Towards the end of last year I started to intentionally distance myself from him and we stayed together and saw each other much less (we don’t officially live together and he has always had his own place, so appreciate this was easy for me to do than people who are financially tied). I spent more time with friends and felt less drained and anxious but I still felt sad and still missed him. I hoped if he saw less of me he would miss me too – it didn’t always work though and sometimes I didn’t hear from him for days which hurt so much and a few times I gave in and would phone him all hysterical. He would seem emotionless and cold and I felt like a stupid child begging and humiliated.

The longest I didn’t see him for was 2 weeks. I actually started to get used to the idea of being single and started to feel better in myself and happier again. But we hadn’t officially sat down and said we were over and hadn’t had that conversation with our kids. That was what I dreaded the most, another family breakup.

He said he didn’t want to end things and would do whatever it took. I felt confused about whether he actually loved me or was using me and couldn’t cope with being on his own. We agreed to start dating again. But we always had used to go to pubs which was where he always used coke so I found it really hard not to feel anxious and question his every movement and was scared we had nothing to talk about any more. I was scared maybe we never did and it was drinking and drugs scene which had brought us together. Each time he was a few minutes late coming back to my house i would become hysterical and would obsessively phone him and scream at him. He actually took it though mostly and said he understood how his behaviour had impacted on me.

He still hasn’t gone for help from any substance use services though.

Weirdly, my partner appears to have stopped using coke since this lock-down – his behaviour is consistent with this (is spending more time with me, is coming to bed almost at same time, hasn’t done a disappearing act, is driving less erratic, is helping to cook and go shopping, seems happier, more affectionate). It seems he is more like the person he was when we first got together. I’m trying to enjoy it for what it is now but do feel nervous for the future.

I can’t thank the services for families I have used so far, they have really helped me as an individual but what we probably need now is counselling as a couple if we have any hope of long term survival. I haven’t found any specialist counselling services online for couples struggling with substance use. Not that we can afford anyway. There seems to be a lack of resources from services to treat the family as a whole.

I have written much more than I intended so sorry if this is a rambling post! Its felt quite good to get it out though.

I hope everyone else on here is able to access any help they need specially under current weird times.

[hox-26]

Hi Reb.

Nice to hear from you it has been a while. You don’t ramble. I understand everything that you have written, we have been through so much with the dreaded stuff. We have all poured our hearts out on here.

I hope all goes well for you.

[Author]

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