[drained-and-tired]

Hi all,

Basically just come on here for some support and advice, my partner of 7 years has had a bad cocaine addiction for years now, he got clean for 3 months about a year ago and it’s gradually got worse……for example this week he has left me in sh*t with our son because I have had to sort out childcare and everything else, because he has gone on a “missing” I packed hes bags and told him I’m done. But as usual no reply…..then when I do get a reply its he is staying at someone’s house and he doesn’t want our son to see him in this state. Originally he was sniffing cocaine but then I found needle wrappers in hes pocket 2 weeks ago and I confronted him and he said its to save hes nose. So over time it has got worse, the not coming home, not eating, not communicating, laying in bed for days when he finally comes home. My life is nothing but stress and I feel so sad with it all, he pays me no money and doesn’t help money wise with any childcare fees. I’m just not sure whether it’s more than cocaine. Xx

[danman83]

Hiya hope you are OK. I have a coke addiction and I’m 40days clean today and I’m doing my best to quit.

But I don’t know how needles can help his nose. He’s not a doctor.

I think the obvious thing to do is to check his arms, legs, neck, balls, everywhere.. For pin marks. If he refuses there is your answer.

But if he is not willing or even trying to change. God’s honest truth; move on, and get on with your life. He sounds like he doesn’t do anything at all but think of him self so you start doing it.

[drained-and-tired]

Hiya danman83

Thanks for your reply and we’ll done for staying clean!! You must be so proud to say you have got this far.

I’m just at the end of what to do or say anymore, I have done my absolute everything for him and just get treated like I’m invisable. He is constantly mixing with wrong people and staying in random peoples houses even in a pandemic!

I wouldn’t have a clue what he is taking or doing anymore as he tells so many lies. All I know is it has spiralled out of control and I don’t think he either wants to stop or knows how to stop.

I can’t help but worry its in my nature wether hes alive dead or just being a complete selfish pr*ck ….makes me so angry, and I’m not an angry person. Hes defo injecting and I think you can inject cocaine …..but he’s behaviour just lately makes me think something else.

[danman83]

Thanks for that ????

Normally your gut instinct is right so go with it if you think it is something else.

How are you doing now? What is his situation if you don’t mind me asking? Is he on it today or missing?

Listening to all your stories on here has hit me abit, now I’ve had time to think about it all, what I had done to my mum, partner, children. It must be heartbreaking. Im constantly on at my 17 year old son about it.

[debc]

Hi Danman83,

Well done, that’s brilliant, keep going, you should be proud of yourself.

Dx

[ronnieboyne]

Hi there

Read your post and I’m so sorry that you are going through this nightmare, especially with your son to look after too.

If you have found a needle, it is possible that he has been injecting the coke but this is obviously even more dangerous than snorting it. IV use is not for the faint hearted and represents a huge risk of infection including Hep C and HIV. Whether it is more than coke or not, it really makes no difference because the end result for you is just the same. My ex boyfriend is a heroin addict and the not eating and lying in bed for days does sound like it could be that horrible drug. They don’t answer the phone because they are in their own little world of oblivion where you mean absolutely nothing and nor do they even stop to think about how their selfish behaviour is impacting on you.

I know you have a son together and having the strength to kick him out and break

up the family is a huge decision. But trust me, as hard as it may seem to make that choice, the welfare of both yourself and your son is the only thing that matters when living with a partner abusing drugs. When in active addiction, they only care about their next fix and not only do they contribute zero to the household bills, they also ponce every last penny from you. You are bringing up a child that clearly you love very dearly. Children are far more perceptive than you realise, even at a young age and your anxiety will impact on your son. If your partner is using needles now, his addiction will spiral rapidly out of control and you cannot afford to have needles in your house when you have a child there.

My advice would be to pack up his bags and move on for the sake of your own mental health and the welfare of your son. It will be hard in the beginning, but what are you gaining from him staying with you in the house? Life is so short and believe me, if you continue to remain in your current situation, your mental health will deteriorate and like many of us on this site, (if it hasn’t happened already) you may never be the same person again.

Do his parents know about his addiction? Do your parents know or are you, like many of us on here, too ashamed to talk to anyone about it? Feel free to talk to me at any time, I spent over 5 years with my ex and I have nearly lost everything because of my inability to see what was right in front of me over and over again. Round and round in circles, getting clean for a very short while (allegedly) your heart bursting with hope and future plans then bam back to square 1 again … soul destroying and emotionally exhausting. So many promises but their actions completely contradict everything they say. And with addicts, words are so very cheap!

This is a great forum and reading other people’s posts has made me feel so much more positive and determined never to put myself in that position again. I’m here if you want to chat but in the meantime please just think about the well-being of you and your son. Be strong for both of you and you will make the right decision. Like many on this forum, getting away from the chaos gives you a chance to really think about you and what is best for your little family. Take good care x

[drained-and-tired]

Hiya Ronnie boyne

Thanks for your reply,

I honestly don’t know where to.go anymore with him. He has made me hate him so much, just with hes ways. For example the desire for extravagant sex and fantasies!! What’s that all about?

I cringe when he comes near me as I don’t know half the time where he has been. Because he stays out nearly every night in random houses or in hes car. He’s hygiene is zero, I just feel sad for my son because he literally loves hes dad to pieces and just hate the fact he does this.

My family don’t know, they did know at one point but then he came clean for 3 months but if I told them now I think he’s life wouldn’t be worth living.

Hes own family know but they are in the same boat as me, they are disgusted with hes behaviour.

It’s just sad how there dealers and drug friends become priority and with that I mean TOP priority. He even got to the point where he is running drugs about for them just to get hes next fix.

But thanks for the reply sometimes it’s nice just to hear other stories and relate. Especially when there drug use is at peak. Xx

[ronnieboyne]

Oh yes, what you have just said is so bloody true … those precious drug dealer numbers! I have hidden his phone before and made him believe he’d lost it in one of his drug fuelled hazes which with heroin means nodding out and literally being in a trance like state. They look like they are fast asleep ‘nodding out or gouching’ wherever they may be sitting or lying but in fact they are in semi conscious dropping their lit cigarettes on your floor, knocking over their beer and refusing to go to bed and sleep off the filth. That’s why my ex would often do snowballs, a mix of heroin and crack cocaine which enables them to stay awake and enjoy the heroin hit without nodding out. Short of actually doing the drug, there is absolutely nothing I don’t know about about it now and if your partner was doing heroin you would hear it in his voice immediately. A dreadful low pitched, grating monotone rumble and his pupils would be the size of little dots.

Hiding the phone causes temporary panic and inconvenience but they will always be able to score anyway. The difference is that they then need to go to one of their so called drug friends to get the number back and will have to pay for a bag for that said person just to get the contact. It’s amazing because none of them care one little bit about each other and only get in touch when they want drugs that they cannot get hold of for themselves. If he is now a runner, I kid you not, your very safety is in danger. If he gets robbed by someone when he has a load of stuff on him that he is due to sell (this has happened to my ex with heroin) your partner will have to pay for the loss regardless of the circumstances and with cocaine that could run into hundreds of pounds. If he is a runner, please distance yourself from him as quickly as you possibly can for your own safety especially with this pandemic.

He is mixing with people who really do not care about Covid and what he would have been touching with his hands has been through many others and in places unimaginably disgusting! And yes, you are right to stay away from him with regards to sex but stay away full stop!

You are in such a hard position with your son loving him and missing him so much but it will get better with time. If you meet someone else who is a genuinely good person that both you and your son deserve, your son will adapt and appreciate the calm and happiness that no longer exists between you and your ‘partner’ I genuinely do not believe that you are helping a child by putting up with this kind of revolting and unacceptable behaviour just because you don’t want to hurt him. You will hurt him far more in the long run if you don’t keep him safely away from the drug world and all the negativity that it brings. He needs a happy mum who is not permanently stressed and a prisoner in her own home. Your son wants to see the best of you which will never happen if you continue with a man who does not value either of you. I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh because I feel so badly for you – at least my kids were adults and not at home most of the time but when they were, even though he did try to stay clean, they were nothing short of horrified and frightened for me.

Funnily enough, even though I had finally ended it anyway, they gave me an ultimatum – it’s us or him no negotiation but it was a no brainer for me and I haven’t regretted my decision. You can do this and I know you will because you’re a loving mum and your partner is no longer anyone you know at all x

[debc]

Hi Draninedandtired,

Hope you are ok, or as ok as it gets living with an addict.

I am the Mum of an addict in Recovery, so can totally understand where you are coming from. In a word it’s like living in hell.

I think you need to ask yourself what is he giving to the relationship? He pays no money for childcare and doesn’t help with other things, you have done this all yourself, so you can do it, never give up that thought, look after yourself and your little one.

Keep in touch on here, it’s a great place for a little bit of sanity.

Take care

Dx

[lindyloo]

Hi all,

Danman83 , I was hoping you would reply to this young lady.

A person in recovery would give the best advice here i think.

Ronnie also knows what it feels like , it’s good to share help support others.

Debc, I wanted to share with you in congratulating Danman. Well done, we are so proud of you.

Keep it up, stay strong it will all be worth it.

My son is still doing well, I know it’s hard for him, but the fellowship guys are so supportive.

Thinking and praying for you all.

Lxx

[danman83]

Thanks ladies, you really cheer me up, and give me strength as cheesy as it sounds; its true.

????

There is a book I’m reading that I’d recommend to you all reading.

It’s called ‘mum, can you lend me 20quid’. It’s about a woman who has twin boys, and how they turned to heroin and how it effects family’s. Its all true, and based in UK down south. The mother is quite popular now and promotes addiction recovery.

[lindyloo]

I really admire you for your strength to get through this recovery. I understand it’s hard, my son tells me this.

I’ll look into that book, I watched “Beautiful boy” with Steve Carell other night. True story again, disturbing, but wonderful to see the Dad’s involvement every step of the way.

Keep on doing what you’re doing ???? stay strong

Lx

[danman83]

I’ll have a look for that I like Steve carrell thanks ????

[lindyloo]

A wee warning, scenes of drug taking though. Maybe you should stick to something light hearted!

Lx 😉

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