[hw12]

Hi, i have been on here a few times and found it really helpful to hear from people who are in similar circumstances.

I found out my partner was taking cocaine at xmas. He went to a drug support councillor and swore he was clean. Anyway I ignored my instincts and found out a month ago he has been using for 16 years and is an addict and was using £100 a day. ( which explained his finance problems)

He broke all trust and hurt me so much but he has admitted everything and said its a relief to be able to be honest with me about it. Hes hit a point where he knows. I asked him to move out of my home hes living in a self contained flat. Hes rang the drs hes doing regular drug tests (all negative so far) he wants help and is accessing services to support him and hes been readinh louise clarkes book. It’s positive at the moment and im relieved to have my own space because it was horrible being at home when he was using. I guess what im struggling with is im his only support and i do care about him and love him but im also the one whos made him hit rock bottom to realise all these things, sounds daft but i feel if im too nice to him hes going to fall back into old habits because hes then got nothing to lose. He knows we wont be in a relationship if he ever went back to that, but he only realised this when i made him leave. Any advice would be so appreciated.

Thank you

[bt1978]

Hi HW

Thanks for sharing. The fact he us staying clean after years of abusing drugs it’s a miracle in itself.

My experience tells me that your instincts are right. He needs to have some independent support outside of just yours. Say you stay separated and dont reconcile, he would be putting everything on you and then what?

A healthy way to do it is mix it up. Councillor, doctors and maybe support from people who have been in same spot he has. I’m wary of keeping on suggesting meetings, but I found them really helpful for identification and finding a way to sort myself out and clear the wreckage I caused. They aren’t for everyone though and I dont subscribe to anyone who doesn’t do meetings is not an addict, as that isn’t true.

You did the right thing by yourself though – enabling someone to carry on like that will only go one way. Do you have enough support from friends and family yourself?

[hw12]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I feel like i have had to break things off because it would have continued enabling to live this lifestyle, hes lost everything which is horrible to do to him but iv had to. Its been incredibly hard when i do love him. Hes really trying his best and has been more honest and open than hes ever been with me. Told me everything even stuff difficult to hear.

He is doing well, but what worries me is there are going to be times when hes not and then what. I told him i wont be in a relationship with him how he was. And i worry hes doing this for me even though iv told him it needs to be for him.

The drs werent very helpful and only offered to higher the dose of his antidepressants. The only support i have is coming on here to speak to people my family all hate him, they don’t understand and think they are just protecting me. And iv lost most friends because of how our relationship was, he became jealous and controlling.

[bt1978]

It’s easy to stay clean and sober when life is good, like you say when it gets tough- and it does for everyone, what is the plan B?

That’s why making sure you throw everything and the kitchen sink at it will help

Do you think he would be receptive to meetings?

[hw12]

Yes i think he would be willing to try everything, he’s desperate to change he knows it’s ruined his life. I feel like im supporting him as much as i can but i dont want it to go back to enabling. Its so hard where to draw the line when you care.

[bt1978]

Of course it is, also addiction really changes people when they are using. Sucks the life and soul out of them completely.

If he is willing to have a look, there are tons of zoom meetings on at all times of the day and night at the moment, the NA uk website has the links to local meetings. I found it really helped fill the time up, get identification with other people and also offer up a solid way of living so that you never have to use again. The bonus is as they are online he can sit and listen in privacy and see whether it helps

[hw12]

Thank you thats good to know. I will tell him about this. How long have you been clean if you dont mind me asking?

[hw12]

Wow well done for staying strong. My partner has been using cocaine for 16 years. I only wish he could be saying hes 12 years clean, not sure its even possible when we are just in these early stages.

I hope he finds the strength you have.

[bt1978]

I consider myself fortunate, but was also gutted I fell afoul of prescription meds even after all those years. I have just listened to keep it in the day, one day at a time now. I’m a very lucky man with a beautiful family !

[hayl]

My husband has been taking cocaine for 5 years apparently, but I only found out last year he still denies it, he will not tell me the truth keeps liein blatantly to my face even when I have saw him sneak out! I have teenage children that know what is going on. He takes it Thursday to Saturday.

But what I find difficult is he has a way that makes me feel sorry for him. It is affecting me know I cant stop thinking about the betrayal and lies.

[hw12]

Im sorry to hear this drug is affecting your family too. I asked my partner to leave as i knew if he stayed it would have enabled him to continue this lifestyle. I can relate to you and many will on the lies and betrayal thats a huge part of it. My partner lied about anything and everything when he was using, but as a person he is honest and kind. If your partner isnt admitting anything it doesnt sound like hes ready to do anything about it? Which must be frustrating for you.

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