[daydream]

Hi All,

I’ve been reading quite a lot on here over the past few months.

From what it sounds most addicts hide the addiction.

The addict I know says hes clean yet then makes no attempt to actually hide the fact he isn’t, he will snort in the bathroom but won’t deny it and he will also think nothing of snorting in front of me or getting the drugs out in front of me it’s like he kind of revels in the fact I am angry about it?

I don’t take drugs and he knows it’s not acceptable to me but it’s almost like he does it for a reaction. Its almost as if he says hes clean so I give him a chance to spend time together?

He’s always in Love with me in the run up and the actual high period but come the next day his mood changes and he says hes not lied about what he feels but he just doesnt actually care.

From what I read on these forums he’s the total opposite of most addicts, is he beyond help?

[kel1]

Sounds like he is A typical of an addict. The behaviours you describe is fitting, however I’m sure drugs are not an “all fits one” as in it would be unfair to state that they all act the same.

Saying that tho the behaviours you are describing is pretty similar to many stories I’ve read, in regards to cocaine.

Cocaine is a stimulant, so the “leading up to” is like the hunt, then the “not caring” is the kill so to speak. It’s a come down. I’d suggest reading a bit more about the affects online and and YouTube so you can explore other views and not just on these threads.

[daydream]

I don’t understand why he doesn’t hide the use though? Why wouldn’t he be secretly using it and lying about it like most?

I’ve read a bit about it but it boggles my mind so thought best to ask!

[kel1]

Because he doesn’t care and not all addicts hide it from others. That depends on the boundaries the people he don’t mind knowing has.

Simply put he doesn’t give too craps about hiding and or lying.

I can assure you that not all addicts will hide their using behaviours if it is so that they can get away with it.

I’d probably look at your boundaries and question as to whether or not they are healthy.

[daydream]

He knows I don’t want him using it he knows I don’t want it in the house he promises he won’t but does it anyway.

He went to rehab and made a huge thing of being clean and then litrally back on it.

Half the time I feel like he does it for a reaction?

[kel1]

He probably does which implies he has no respect.

Rehab isn’t the hard part abstaining is the difficulty.

The problem is people think rehab will fix them when it doesn’t . Recovery is lifelong meaning they will have to work hard all their lives to maintain Being abstinent.

It might be that you don’t like it and don’t want him doing it, I mean who does right! But… It’s what we/you are doing in terms of showing him you don’t want it. Unfortunately not you or I or anyone else can make the changes for them, they have to want to stop themselves and at the moment it doesn’t sound like he does

If you guys have no children, and are unmarried etc id definitely prepare ending this relationship because believe me it don’t get any easier if they don’t make a commitment to change.

Cocaine destroys lives. Don’t lose yourself in that chaos as it can quite literally destroy you.

[helenl]

You definitely know what you are talking about! We are on exact the same page! Confirm and support every word you’ve said.!

[daydream]

No we don’t even have a relationship like that, We were seeing each other on and off for a year then he said he couldn’t do a relationship, which I was ok about as I knew I couldn’t get involved in that life.

He then said he was on the fence about being with me as I knew him better than anyone but something was stopping him.

He then met someone else moved in after a few weeks she was oblivious to it all, he always used to text me while with her checking how I am and updating me on his life, then late last year they broke up which led to him going on a binge and calling me so I went as I know how low he can go he said his parents wanted him in rehab and what did I think and I said I thought he needed to go but ultimately its his choice.

I didn’t hear from him for 3 months and now he’s back and possibly worse.

He never used to say he loves me or cares about me untill the last couple of times Ive seen him .. but now after I told him it can’t go on like this I do love him and I want him clean so we can be together he agreed and said he wants to be with me we spent most of the evening talking about it then come the morning he’s basically told me he is never going to contact me again and he’s an empty shell that ruins lives and he’s done. Honestly I worry so much he’s going to end up dead.

[kel1]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, however be cautious about what he is saying as he is right he is in no fit state to start a life with anyone.

Cocaine literally changes people’s personality and the downs are typically of the misuse of this substance. People often fall victim to depression as it’s induced by that drug.

I absolutely hate that drug it ruined my family and nearly destroyed me.

Focus on you as you deserve so much better.

This journey he has to walk alone and it could takes years

[daydream]

I 100% agree with him not focusing on anything but himself, he told me at the start of the semi argument he needs 3 months – to which I said take what you want, but I am not going to sit here and wait forever, so then it turned into ok we give it a go now but not a chance I would cope with him and I was more of an end of life girl to settle down with and he doesn’t want to ruin how we are. Which then in the morning went to hes not told any lies but he feels like a shell and just litrally doesn’t care, then later in the day he phoned and I got the don’t think of me don’t contact me, you won’t hear from me again he ruins everyone’s lives and he’s done.

I know he can be so sucessful which is what kills me about it all he’s really intelligent and every time I see him do what he does it’s just disappointing.

I’ve never been one to go on about what he does as I know it doesn’t fix it, escaping reality is what he’s addicted to, but this time I litrally lost the plot, having spoken to him on the phone a few times since rehab I could tell he was in his ‘normal’ mind which is rare I think I’ve seen it maybe 4 times in 3 years, so I thought maybe just maybe he’s got some of his shit together enough so I can help with the better reality part.

I don’t even know what to do about it now he’s blocked me on most things, feel like I need to say look I respect you and sorry for pushing it but I’ll be there if he needs me.

It’s not small bags he’s doing it’s more like £600 over 24 hours

[kel1]

You sound supportive, however there is nothing we can do unless they want the help and I’m sure you know that already.

£600 is enough to fry his brain which explains an awful lot about him being unable to care for anything.

When you said about him being sort of normal four times in three years that really resonated with my story, and it’s really bloody sad! Because simply put that’s the reality of what that devil drug does to a person. It literally transforms people, like you say “intelligent” and now they are left as a shell – they probably look inward at themselves and sit in a state of confusion. But saying that they still go and “pick up”.

Is he going to any CA meetings? They are all active and online as are all the local services.

Definitely focus on yourself and move on. You could be waiting forever and no amount of ultimatums, demands or love can change that. I wish it was that simple.

He has to hit his rock bottom and then the basement and then some before he decides to change.

All this about being a “life girl” sounds a bit like manipulation to me but then again what do I know.

As much as you love him, you have to realise that HIM is gone, the cocaine him is very much active and he won’t be able to be what you want and I think he has said that. I’d believe him and try to get some support for yourself.

[daydream]

Yes! I realised he was on it the second time I met him but it wasn’t the usual nipping off all night so I presumed it was just a pre going out thing, till we got home and he was sniffing constantly from 2am till about 6am and not even lining it up :/

after that weekend he said when he slips he slips of the cliff but hes going to be sober and make it up to me as he hates himself, the next time I saw him he was fine so again I thought it’s ok he is in control of it .. Stupid of me!

Yeah he’s doing them once a week online but he says it’s because he has to do them to shut every one up and conform.

He said on Monday morning he doesn’t need to take it and he doesn’t feel like taking it now, but he was drinking so it’s clear he cant just be on nothing!

He is manipulative but the problem is I’ve dealt with manipulative people all my life, so I see it and call him on it I dont just suck it up, hes said in the past I am one of the only people that stand up to him and obviously the truth is hard to handle clean or not this time.

I just really don’t want it left like this as I don’t want this argument and him not wanting to talk to me to be how it ends, before we’ve always just been ok the times we have not been together so I feel like if anything were to happen I’ve left it on bad terms even though it’s him blaming my truthful words and not being calm – again manipulative I know!

[kel1]

He attends CA to shut people up! Wow that’s definitely not a reason to access support, and definite doesn’t indicate he is anywhere near wanting to stop. If anything he sounds rather defensive which is another sign that he is deflecting/avoiding his problems.

Trying to communicate effectively with any addict is hard work. Sometimes people are so entrenched in active addiction, which leads to them doing what they want, when they want and how, regardless of what we say or do.

I’m sure leaving things as they are might not sit to well with you, however could things get better or worse?

Do you accept that you/we have no power over them and their addiction.

It feels powerless, but eventually I had to swallow that I had no power whatsoever. This mean over their thinking, decisions, behaviours etc. In other words you might not get the outcome that you want or need. Things could get worse.

I remind myself I am not responsible for any of what they do or say either – I take zero blame for anything that’s spouts from their Mouths.

The only thing we can really do is set good healthy boundaries for ourselves and move the hell on.

[daydream]

Yeah, again though I think some of that is a front as he’s just mega depressed.

Obviously you will know what I mean when I say one minutes he’s like a crying child telling me not to leave him and the next mr attitude with confidence levels to the moon.

I don’t think he knows what he actually wants, as he says hes never going to be happy and just lives in his past memories.

I do accept it which is why I kind of don’t have a go at him about it.

I think he will probably ignore me to be honest as he’s never said any of this before such as I won’t hear from him and he’s done he’s never blocked me before either, usually it’s the opposite no matter what happens I am one of his circle that he’s always looking out for so this is a change totally in behaviour for him?! Do they come back even after saying stuff like this?

[kel1]

Cocaine induces mood swings, specifically triggering depression. His mental health will improve when/if he stops the drugs.

The thing with most addicts is that they chase the highs, and avoid the lows which is why they take so much of this stuff and it leads to heavy use.

In my opinion cocaine will always win hands down, now he may well come back but what version of him comes back is anyone’s guess. You sound as though you don’t want to lose him, and what’s more worrying is that you want him to come back, despite what his putting you through.

Do you think you need some space now. Have you spoken to anyone else about what’s been going on so you can get some outside perspective? I don’t know you but I do think you’re a wise young lady.

You deserve better than this. Remember it is the drugs that influence his behaviour, but they do have choices and are fully aware of that.

[daydream]

When he’s not using or drunk is usually when theres radio silence which is when I feel better as I know he’s ok .. That sounds stupid in itself :/

I’ve never been one to call and text him in the past as I try and keep the distance but when he does call I’ll go as I think at least someone is there talking to him and in that case he won’t do as much, Its weird as like I say he doesn’t really go high and happy if he’s on it he’s just optimistic about the future and talking about the past and how he wont make the same mistakes and making promises about the future and how much he loves me and then the next day even more depressed but it switches over to he will always love me but he will ruin my life.

I am not stupid enough to think he only does this when he rings me, obviously he doesn’t but I feel like if he doesn’t have me to call on that’s the night he’s going to end up dead and although there’s nothing I can do about that .. how I am I supposed to live with that knowing what I know about the things he’s said in the past.

I met him when I was having a horrible time myself not with drugs just life in general .. and the way he used to put life into perspective, or help me to see another way of doing things or give advice, pulled me through so much and when ever I was having a bad time I would always hear a song or see something related to him so it would pull me out of the mood I was in so I guess in a way I am addicted to him and his thought process as he’s wise.

My friend has said from the start, as we both have the same mind sets on life and are both business minded and push each other we would be a match made in heaven as we would have it all if only it wasnt for the drugs and I live in fantasy land thinking it’s true.

I’ve spoken to a few of my friends who have met him about it but they just tell me to get over it, and if he’s blocked me then let it go as they would, I wish my mind could just switch stuff off like that but unfortunaly I can’t 🙁

[kel1]

.

[kel1]

I am trying to send a reply but this site plays up sometimes. I’ll keep trying

[daydream]

Thanks I appreciate you trying to help me make sence of all this 🙁

[kel1]

It’s difficult I understand that. I think sometimes we sit in our own expectations of how we would like things to be, and that sounds as though you’ve found comfort in the ways he has supported you previously.

We all know there’s little we can do to pull them out of the darkness they find themselves in, and although he has helped pull you through previously you was present In all that too. What I’m saying is you can be there for him whenever he may contact but he has to be also. He has to be willing otherwise everything else is just words. Words are one thing, but action is another and often people in active addiction often fall short of this one as the pull of that drug is far to strong.

I think many COCAINE users sit in a state of confusion, as honestly it’s the brain chemistry that is unbalanced.

Letting go of something you love isn’t easy, but I guess you have to be mindful of what it is you are letting go of and what you are holding onto.

Of course you can be there for him, but don’t forget to be there for yourself also, because otherwise you will end up bit by bit losing yourself.

[daydream]

Yeah it’s exactly that .. He’s my comfort blanket, but now he’s decided he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me I feel like I am on my own, which again is stupid as it’s not as if he was there all the time or we were in a relationship anyway. I just knew if I needed him he would be there.

I wish I could have a do over of the weekend in a way and not say what I said! I should have just left it like I usually do.

Now I just feel like I am being selfish expecting what he cant give and ruined it for no reason only I wanted him to know my feelings.

I wish I could dip into his mind sometimes and just see it from his side!

[kel1]

Come on. I think thats definitely the unresolved parts of you saying all this right now. Don’t ever regret having a voice and communicating yourself in the way you feel you need too.

Simply put you can’t communicate effectively with an active user anyway so whatever you said probably had no bearings on his current behaviours or decisions.

You’ve made him important and that’s ok, but the danger is have you made him more important than yourself?

And what’s so wrong in being selfish? We need our needs met also and people on the other end of addicts always get the raw deal so nah you ain’t being selfish, you’re just trying to state what it is you want/need from a healthy point of view.

You really don’t want to delve into the minds of an addict, take that from me.

Try separate him into two people – the addict and then him. At some point you will realize the addict is more present than the person you once knew. That way you can hopefully find some coping strategies to manage “the behaviours”.

Always remembered what that drug does, it changes people completely – don’t go with him.

[daydream]

You saying that what I say doesn’t have any bearing actually makes me feel a bit better actually, makes me feel less like I’ve caused this.

Probably have done this past week but again that’s based on the blocking as I hate blocking it’s such an immature way of going about things, to me it’s maximum hurt effect and because I’ve never been the one messaging him first anyway it’s kind of confusing, if I was constantly messaging then fair enough but I don’t.

It’s funny as I actually do separate him and even call him different names according to who he’s being and yes he is more the alter ego and the thing is he chooses to be the other person as I’ll ask him who I am getting today, maybe by doing that to his face is buying more into his show .. As he likes the attention of it all. I think that’s one of the main issues he does loads of things purly for bad reactions it’s like he understands a bad reaction and likes it more than being a good person and being well thought of.

[kel1]

You Haven’t caused anything. I understand that’s easy for me to say, but I’ve learnt that we don’t hold that power.

No human likes to feel as though they’ve been rejected, perhaps somewhere in the corners of our minds it’s pride that might be at play here.

In my opinion addicts all return licking their wounds until the next merry go round. Jump off that crap!

Honestly I broke down after so long and it’s taken me a long time to recover and I’m not the same person I once was.

[daydream]

Well I’ve actually messaged him off a friends phone and he’s seen it so I kind of feel a bit more at peace now as everything I wanted to put is on it .. mighty long message but at least I’ve got my thoughts out there.

I obviously don’t know what state of mind he’s in right now but regardless, I feel like I have a right to tell him how I feel I’ve put up with this for so long I kind of feel like my life has been on hold for the day he sorts himself out and deluded that it will work so I’ll wait and your right its the rejection and the upset I think because I’ve been doing this in my mind for 2 years, now it’s offical and he’s said hes done it kind of makes me think I’ve lost my future to look forward to but actually I’ve not lost much just the reality of how it could have been. I am the one thats living a normal life.

You sound like your well over it and I hope I can get to where you are rather than this mindset!

[kel1]

Oh well in that case try not to hold to high expectations as to a response.

Maybe you do deserve to have your say and express what’s on your mind. Do you feel better for it? Now maybe, but if no response Tomorrow, next week, next month will you feel liberation? Probably not, you’d probably internalise that and blame Yourself and this is the behaviour that comes with loving an addict.

So long as you hold no expectations you’ll be fine.

As for being over things.. I think we just learn to carry pain around on our backs and the shoulders widen!

One thing I know about life is it can change every day as long as you give it a chance. Feelings change, thoughts ain’t always true and life goes on no matter how crappy it gets.

[daydream]

Well 4 hours down and he’s not blocked the number yet but not unblocked mine either, however I do feel better and to be honest I know he won’t reply maybe for months like you say.

This is the thing when he’s not replying I just think he’s ok I don’t pine for him even though hes a fleeting thought so maybe as more time passes and I don’t hear from him I might be able to move on with life? I actually said next time I see him am gonna tell him your with me or your not so I can’t be mad now I’ve done it and this has happened!

Yes it can, just gotta look for the good and remember not everyone is bad but it’s difficult when all you feel that happens is bad!

[kel1]

Damn well you’ve got what you wanted off your chest but don’t kid yourself of course he is on your mind and it’s affecting you. And you’re probably hurting, and it’s not easy to admit that sometimes especially when you have been hurt before. I’m assume here I know. Life can suck sometimes but you are worthy of respect, love and understanding.

You will move on. Moving on comes after acceptance. And acceptance can be the mother of all f***ups. I imagine you’re an empathic person who probably gives way more to others than yourself.

Start by writing down all the bad things about him and take it one day at a time

[daydream]

Yeah I am hurting for sure as I look back on the patterns of it all and the convo over the years and I just think what the hell he’s good at making me think I am the only girl in his world that’s for sure when I look back and read into the.

The list of bad things about him out weighs the good right now and that’s what I have remember.

Him not blocking that number just means games.

I defo am I your right there I’ll give everything for nothing or for a shred. I think this is where I’ve gone wrong with him clearly I am 3rd or 4th on the list but as he’s got a way with words it’s always been arm length so I feel like I’ve got to be better and that’s madness!

[kel1]

Humans love to play games, probably due to the hunting and gathering days – but we’ve defo moved on from them days.

The only way to not play the game is to either win/lose or not play at all. I know what I’d prefer – but then saying that sometimes I’ve got hooked in and played the games. I used to think some you lose some you win, but in the end it’s all just BS because at the end of the day our emotions aren’t for playing with.

Oh my ex used to make me feel this way – cusion me into a false sense of security and guess what – I believed him. Done wonders for my confidence In the end. In fact he destroyed me.

A way with words? Isn’t that just charm? And when we uncover that isn’t charm just manipulation! You are good enough and maybe just maybe you might have some work to do on your self esteem. It’s probably affected you and trod you down over the two years.

I’ve always been a bit of a people pleaser and a fixer so it no surprise how I stayed for so long, but the longer you stay the harder and more pain it causes.

You ain’t no second best let alone 3/4th! I think at times we can get obsessed with what they’re doing and the brain gets stuck. Try to have a day or hour when you don’t think of him and do some introspection.

If he does end up turning up just be careful, sometimes you might not want to hear/see or understand what’s been going on.

[dot]

What I found was that when I said I was clean and wasnt years back was that my behaviours was allowed and enabled by my partner.

Most cant just stop they have to be ready to stop. And if they sent ready the lies will continue.

[dot]

I also believe you wont change till you are at rock bottom. You have to have nothing well that’s the case with me.

[daydream]

@kel1

So true about the charm .. was with an friend last night talking about it all and she said the same things!

I think I just need to put him in a box and forget about it becuase no matter what I do won’t change it, we were trying to work out if last week was the first time he had used since Jan but I won’t ever know and he’s not ever going to come with the truth either. Who knows if he uses in the week or if I am an excuse to go on a weekend bender, in which case he’s done right cutting me off!

@Dazzaot How long have you been clean for? What was rock bottom for you? I don’t think he will reach that as he’s got a silver tongue he litrally moves from one mug to another!

[kel1]

One thing about rock bottom is that it’s a neverending pit which as many levels.

We wasn’t even my ex’s rock bottom. I think addicts say all this about “I’ll get help bla bla” until the wife once again forgives and the shitshow continues.

It’s all in the action and actually doing what they say they’ll do and not just spout words.

I think you’ve done all you can do to help whatever he was to you. I doubt you’d know when he is using or not if you are not around him but the fact he is on the missing list suggests to me quite likely he is actively using.

[dot]

To be fair that’s a valid comment. That’s why I’m taking my time to fix myself because if I got back with my missus right now I’d just go back. I need time to stay off it a long long time well that’s ne personally. Doesn’t always mean you are always gonna run back to it.

[kel1]

Well there’s always the risk you will though. That’s why recovery is for life. It’s the same thing as looking after yourself I guess.

I think it’s wise you focus on yourself as that gives the people that have been through hell the time to heal and get better themselves.

Well I hope you do what you say and stick with it.

How are you helping yourself just out of curiosity?

[kel1]

I think she’s probably angry though and that’s alright as she has a right to be. She needs time to reflect and heal as I know I needed that and to be fair I still do. I was broken and the sight of him just made things worse. For me, I felt abandoned also and felt as though we was not enough for him to stop and that’s a reasonable way of thinking. Because in a way you did have the choice to stop but you didn’t and I get that the drug gripped you but at the time you chose the drug over the family. That’s what is hard to accept and that’s not to say it’s not easy for you either. Addiction is bloody hard and I know this myself, however when people have been let down so much and they’re hurting I guess like an addict we get to a point where we say “no more”.

It’s sad as I hate to hear families that have broken. It’s just so sad.

You do have a way to go and maybe you will get there. I hope so. And good for you for getting the help you need.

[daydream]

I usually think it’s the opposite when he’s missing from here .. he’s not using – but I know he has been using constantly over the past year as he’s told me so himself, and I think the last time I saw him he was on a missing from his girlfriend at the time! I am just the ‘extra’ bandage so he doesn’t feel as bad and alone! Sad as it is!

My brother is an functioning alcoholic so I kind of understand addiction but I also don’t as I think there’s too much life to miss out on when your either drunk or on drugs!

But like he says he doesn’t see a future and he lives in the past you can’t convince someone that the future will be better as who knows it’s just a circle argument that I never win!

I think the thing that gets me most is the nice things that get said and then the come down is that he meant it but cant do it, I just can’t get that at all!

[daydream]

So update .. I’ve heard from him!

He lent me some money a few months ago and was asking for it back .. apparently to pay a drug debt, I gave it him as to be honest he sounded insane .. told him first and last time and it’s only as I owed him.

He then went on to say he had to leave as he can’t handle the truths I tell him and he can’t deal with my crying and the guilt he feels.

We had a huge convo and basically he’s said that he realises he needs to sort himself out and wants us to just be chilled out while he starts to love himself again.

It’s all good talk and self reflective for once. He’s said he doesn’t expect for me to wait for him .. So we will see but regardless I’ll carry on with my life.

Draining nightmare!

[kel1]

It’s all so confusing isn’t it. It’s like he doesn’t know what he is actually thinking. I get the “I need to work on myself” – that’s great, however I was always suspicious with such turnaround thinking with no action. Usually people just do it, and don’t vomit words.

Paying dealers? Sounds like his in it deep.

It is draining you’re right, and definitely don’t get lost in all that noise.

Good that you’ve reflected. Take care of those thoughts

[daydream]

Yes that’s 100% true .. I laughed when he said he can’t handle too much truth and I bring it home to him and he needs to avoid it, Its the escaping from reality .. I said if you just faced reality and dealt with it then the problem would be solved. But how do you force someone to face reality??

It’s like one step forward 2 back as he’s told me a lot of things he’s not said before but he has said he needs to focus on himself .. more than once in the past, however I am thinking that was without a rehab stint and his weekly forced zoom meetings so at least that’s a positive. He said he cannot keep doing the same things over and over but again he knew this 2 years ago!

Well that’s what he said for all I know he could have been buying but when I asked him what it’s for he straight away said its not for drugs then said well it is but not to have now it’s debt .. He needed 200 not sure how much coke that actually gets you but I said I was only giving him the £70 I owed him. He’s asked for money in the past and I’ve always said no, if anything it’s him that helps me out but the fact I’ve given him money now is playing on my mind so just trying to forget it!!

[kel1]

I think we end up getting lost in their addiction and the what and where abouts of it all. It’s all so emotionally consuming isn’t it. Try not to get lost in all that chaos.

All that talk about “reality” is typical avoiding behaviour. I used to get the “poor me” crap all the time. I was so manipulated I didn’t even know what to think in the end.

It’s almost like a constant board game ????

[daydream]

Yeah!! Makes me laugh as well as he’s come back to the why didnt he pick me over the girl he got with and split with .. apparently he needed someone who didn’t know anything about him or his past, someone who wouldnt judge him and take him at face value I.e the decent person he pretends to be .. apparently he’s got too much respect for me to treat me like he does everyone else he looks at me as the ‘end plan’ and if not that I’ll always be his best mate .. Which in a twisted way is correct but it’s only as I probably don’t allow it and also I do know him not the fabricated version all these girls get a first before the devil appears!

I think in some ways I am better off this way than thinking he’s Prince charming he’s never put that show on for me, hearing him admit what he’s done to ex is actually scary and I feel so sorry for her!

[kel1]

What holds you to him? I know for example I’m a bit of a care taker – always wants to fix something. You definitely deserve more than what this man is showing you. I can bet you’re a great person, and kind (strong tho), an empath probably. Please don’t wait about for someone who acts this way. If he really wanted to then he would change. He sounds manipulative and all this bull about other girls and you being the “end plan”. Yeh righto – you shouldn’t be anyone’s second best or back up plan because that’s how I’ve processed that one.

Let this one go and if it’s meant to be truly then it’ll come back anyway. Nothing that isn’t for us will slip through our hands.

Focus on you. At first all I did was think about my ex, but I’ve learnt to consider me and things improved gradually.

[daydream]

Yes a lot of people say I am an empath, I think it’s the thought like I said if what he ‘could’ be if he sorted himself, as if I was in that position I would sort myself out.

I’ve just read his text out to my friend and she’s said that basically he’s saying .. he wants to sort him self isn’t ready for a relationship, will be jealous if I get into one .. But he may or may not want me if he ever does sort himself out.

So he’s manipulating the situation as he’s basically saying I’ll do what I want while you sit there and wait to see if I might want you or I could just change my mind .. She’s said the same as you, he wants all these things but what is he offering? Which is so true. At the moment I am waiting on a reply to a text I sent him 2 days ago, but as this is how it always is I kind of don’t get upset about it :/

[kel1]

The problem with us empaths is we get hurt, as we give way too much to others and not to ourselves.

It’s not a nice message is it, it’s actually an awful way to speak to someone. It’s horrible when you like a person though, because I do think we “romanticise” what life could be like/what he could be like, but that’s the picture perfect image we form in our healthy minds – remember that!

This guy needs to sort himself out, and mainly because he wants to get better and live a life free from this drug and all it comes with. He probably enjoys the lifestyle, and I’m sure he is totally in his ego right now.

Even waiting for a text awww that’s sad, but it’s good you don’t get upset.

[daydream]

So the text did come and spent time till early hours talking in depth about everything.

He has phone consultations every Thursday with the doctor and this time they have put him on anti depressants and mood stabilizers so it started off with him asking me if he should take them and is it the right thing to do so I said yeah as he needs something.

The doctor has told him he needs to be happy and that comes from within so the tablets are only a helping hand which again I agreed with, the doctor asked him what makes him happy and he told him alchol, coke, coke and girls .. then added that these are all not actually real things.

He told me in the self reflection he’s done this week he realises that if he was sliding down he would call me and I would go and being with me makes him happy as he feels like he is escaping his reality as he can’t face what he’s done and being with me is like a dream world but now he realises he needs to face reality, and build up his life again, he’s told me his plans and says he feels ashamed about the way he’s treated me and everyone close to him.

He’s said because he feels worthless and his anxiety gets to him he drinks which then leads to coke and then when it starts he’s gone.

He said he wants me there for the recovery and he knows out of everyone that I’ve seen him at his worst and always been there even now when actually I don’t need to have him around at all or let him back in after weeks of radio silence.

He said he understands if I don’t want to wait but when he’s back on top of the world in a few months he’s picking me up for a real date in the car he’s going to get and he wants to have his own house and independence to be able to invite me over and just build a life. He’s said if I am standing by him it’s a none committed thing right now yes he wants to see me at least once a week and he wants us to go and have what he calls normal people fun and reconnect with out him being high as a kite but at the same time he needs to work on himself do his therapy and get his life on the road, fix his family relationships and build trust so at the moment this is his main focus, but he won’t be trying to talk to girls or getting in a relationship at all.

So basically I’ve said I’ve always been there, I get that it’s an illness but I won’t support the addict life style and I am not a mug. He’s agreed.

He’s saying all the right words but as of yet I’ve not seen him to see if he’s actually in the real world he’s said he wants to see me this week and of course he’s talked about getting clean before usually when he’s on a drug come down, my friend read the messages and basically said that it’s the most sence he’s ever made in the whole time I’ve known him and I agree.

But we know addicts have a habbit of manipulation!

[kel1]

Oh I’ve not heard about GP’s having weekly appointments arranged, either way that’s pretty impressive. Usually that would be the drug and alcohol services that check in weekly, or perhaps social prescribing. Sounds as though he is dipping his toes in water which is a good sign.

All the things he said he enjoys, coke and girls etc are all superficial and that’s a neverending pit. Be careful you could still get hurt in all this! It’s probably going to be a long road ahead.

[daydream]

I think the doctors more checking his mental health rather than just the drugs or maybe it is the drugs service?

Like I say I’ve heard the talk before but not to this level, I hold hope but not massively as I think he was drunk on Friday night as it was very much the same style off messages he used to send me, Heard from him on Saturday and he said he would message tomorrow – Still waiting.

He was also adamant he’s seeing me this week but hasn’t arranged anything as yet.

Could be he’s sorting stuff or could also be that he’s just not been drinking so I am not at the forefront of his mind at the moment .. We all know how this goes!

I think his prediction of being on his feet and sorted in a few months not years is 100% optimistic though and also a carrot dangle for me!

[kel1]

I hope he sorts himself out. It’s always hopeful to hear them talk about change, but one thing I’ve discovered over the years is to watch what they do and not what the say.

Sounds like you really like this person, I just hope he knows how lucky he is having you waiting around for him and holding all this hope. It’s adorable, but please be careful. You do deserve way better

[daydream]

Yes exactly he’s so sneeky as they all are it’s like a lull for false security isn’t it before they hit you with it even worse :/

Well he sounded like he was thankful the other night but again the whole I need to be selfish clearly is extending to now not talking to me from day to day either which again is him all over, in the past I can go a month not hearing from him then it’s none stop wish he would spread his all night messaging over the days but then if I am seen as a crisis counceller maybe it’s not needed!

[kel1]

I think a big part of us wants it too. We want them to change so it kind of merges with our own expectations and desires. It’s sad really because we want them to be the people we know that can be. But, I’ve come to learn that I romanticise alot from my own perspective – rose tinted glasses an all that. In other words I think I invented a version of him up myself. Hard to explain but I’m sure you get the gist of what I’m saying.

I’m sure he is thankful and perhaps even meant what he was saying, but they change so quickly from one minute to the next. It’s scary. It’s as tho they press the “fxxk it” button and boom!

Ah when you say that about spreading the texts etc that makes me sad ???? that’s kinda sweet but sad for you.

I hope you get what you need and deserve, whether from him or not. Whatever you do don’t let others pass you by hanging about for him.

[daydream]

Yes I 100% know what your saying I have like you 100% invented another person, I actually thought the other day what if he does actually do it and he doesn’t match the person I’ve made in my mind .. How insane is that?!

When he goes on this self reflection thing it’s common for him to say thank you but then it’s soon gone as you say that button gets pressed!

Yeah it’s sad for me as I feel like he doesn’t care daily at all and has instilled in me that he’s about him self so I can’t expect him to almost brainwashing me to accept his s*it behaviour .. He keeps telling me 3 months so I think I will give it 3 months and then for my own sanity call it a day, if he wants to call then fine but I can’t be spending my life waiting by the phone till he remembers to call me or is on the slide. It’s selfish of him but then of course he’s selfish he’s an addict .. what else should i expect I don’t know!!

[kel1]

Nah that’s not insane, that would mean I am also. I think it’s normal, maybe we all do it to some degree. Of course you’d prefer the person you invented because it came from you.

I’m glad you’ve given it three months though, even though personally addiction/recovery don’t work well with time. Honestly you don’t wanna be on this rollercoaster ride for to long because then you would possibly go insane.

[daydream]

Yeah exactly which means really I should go out and find the invented person instead of waiting for one that might never turn up! But there’s always hope for a brighter day in my mind and I need to probs stop that thinking!

I messaged him last night and he hasn’t replied and I feel like fantastic!

Funny as when he phoned for the money the other night I said so now you want some thing I am not blocked so basically if you didn’t need the money you wouldn’t have bothered and he was like of course I would have called you in a few weeks you know me I always come back to you. I don’t doubt that but then at the same time I am the only one that puts up with the behaviour so he can come back maybe I need to be more unforgiving! He said hes going to tell me when he needs space and hes not even done that!

[kel1]

While his on drugs I’d say it’s a good idea to shift your focus yeh. Things can be brighter but in my experience it’s when the “fog” disappeared. That’s my own thinking. Probably this happens Because we’re left hurt.

I dunno about you but I’d struggle if I’d sent a message then received nothing back. It’s like self torture. Maybe you could be less available and then watch him come running. And he always comes back because you are always there. But what if you weren’t? He defo needs a bit of a reality check and although it may hurt you it will benefit you and you take your power back

[daydream]

It’s weird as I used to text and get no reply so it’s like I am conditioned that he only talks when he wants to. Hes always told me hes selfish .. usually he says he goes silent so I can find someone who deserves me or he’s got too much going on and right now it’s so he can sort himself out but what about what I want, I know if he is actually 100% sorting himself out it is about him but like I said to my friend earlier if he’s not I’ll be fuming at myself. He said the other day he sees me as family and I have traits of his mum and his sister and I think this is where I go wrong he thinks of me under the unconditional love no matter what he does I’ll be there to make it ok just in a different way, so I totally need to be less avalible. In Decemeber he was none stop text and I never really replied until he came to the house and posted a letter and seeing as he drove 40 mins to post it I cracked :/

[louise1505]

Daydream u sound 100% like me and ur like my ex ! It’s unbelievable mine is so so selfish worse thing is he does with kids to picks them up puts th down as and wen it suits guessing along side the highs and lows we are always there wen he needs but never the other way round! I dint know for a long time it was coke and the minute he told me he’s dispearred and seen kids once since new year! So I’m guessing he’s on some constant high with his new coke head gf and we don’t come into play it’s so hard coZ I know wen he crashes and needs us the person I am like u will be there for him! I’m trying so hard to cut that cycle but it’s hard the memories the life we once had were so good and u wana get that love bk with them make them the old them again or like u say an “invented” person u dream of them being so u hold on in hope – I had all the promises the ups downs the rebuilding the bomarding of txts then the dispaearing now he’s just that deep in his own world he’s dropped me and 3 kids and isnt looking bk ! It’s scary how this drug can change someone’s mind completely!! Xx

[daydream]

Hi Louise!

Yes it’s 100% sh*t problem is for me this guy was never my boyfriend as such :/ I met him a few years ago wasn’t a date just a drink and as I was already out I was pretty drunk anyway so missed the signs, the next time I met him he was ‘normal’ and I was sober .. First bar we went to we didn’t have to que and then most of the night he was popping off having close conversations with people so I asked him straight out if he was a dealer and he admitted it, that should have been my time to run away then.

That night it was like he had a nervous breakdown was up all night with him crying his eyes out hearing his life story and from then on we were like peas and carrots ffs .. He bounces in and out I see the worst sides of him – everyone else gets either the good personality or the bad personality .. he’s never been nasty to me though he classes me as family :/ meaning I’ll let him come back, i argue with him though and its like shouting at a child he knows what he’s doing, If only knew the good side and he was doing this right now I would be heartbroken but I kind of think well an grateful he’s not turned into this over night and has basically been unstable from the off.

But yes selfish and I think it’s a lot to do with object consistency in cases of coke addicts it’s all fun and games when your on it and all the people about you are so amazing you don’t think of anything but when it crashes down it’s like they need to crawl back.

Mine had a major breakdown over xmas constantly calling and texting and put away 6 litre bottles of vodka in a weekend I went over as he was living hotel to hotel and he said his parents wanted him to go to rehab as they think hes an alcholic – which he found funny and was obviously happy he had fooled them, but then was asking my opinion and said it was the only one that mattered and should he go or not .. at this point he was still saying he didn’t have a coke addiction as he was actually an alcoholic first, I always find that reverse psychology works a treat on him .. I said I didnt think he had a problem with drink (lied) but if he thought it would be a good idea so it looked like he was taking charge maybe go to AA but maybe just tell them he uses coke, then I said rehab might be a bit too much for him and 12 weeks was a long time .. next thing you know he’s in rehab as he likes a challenge .. not even funny! He was still saying 2 weeks ago he’s not a coke addict but as of last weekend he’s admitted it .. Just like a constant head f*ck. I would say let yours just suffer and don’t let him keep coming back but that would make me a hypocrite as I know how it is and I worry if I didn’t answer the phone he would end up dead and I can’t have it on my conscience!

[dot]

Me and my ex have contacted mediation. I pick them up certain days and every other weekend.

We are using early help as a point of contact at the minute because we both agree we cant have a civil conversation without arguing.

Less drama now and I’m happier myself. Things will look up you just have to persevere with different things.

Dont tolerate his crap though. I was a propper head f””” till I got clean and I dont blame her for the way she treats me now.

[louise1505]

Mine isn’t even acknowledging seeing the kids even though iv suggested sorting sumat he wants to do it as and wen he pleases hence y iv cut contact for now he can email me or post a letter wen he’s ready to sort himself ! It’s sad misses out on so much ! Glad ur sorting urself dot kids are everything and will love u so much for being there for them xx

[dot]

Kids are my world I’ve got them 11 while 4 on sunday

I’m arranging to take them to blackpool in 2 weeks just to sit on beach and let them have some fun as they’ve been through alot recently.

I’ve been working all this week can t wait to have them sunday I really cant.

Its him that’s missing out no one else. He will come when hes ready but if hes using it might be best keeping them away anyway.

Wish I could help you x

[kel1]

Dot, it’s good to hear you’ve taken positive steps in your recovery and still continue to do so. Hope you and the kids have a good time in Blackpool. Well done.

Daydream, hope you’re doing alright ✋and you Louise

[louise1505]

Hi .. yeh sounds same as mine if u click my name can read it properly… he was dealing too and I shuda put my foot down then but he dint respect my views his mum dad let him stay there wen ever rather than listening y I kicked him out so he had a free run to deal and take live the life he had now found!

Iv left a msg on my mates phone saying wen ur ready to be a dad do drug tests have kids set days Then we can talk if u want real help I’ll help u if u don’t think u have a problem and u can prove it even tho u told me u did then I apologise I was really nice and as u said slightly reversed the psychology rather than going mad at him so I’ll c if I hear . I think he’s so deep into his new coke fulled life he can’t even c past it to all about his kids !

Trust me I’d it wasn’t for them I’d run I’ll never trust him again and have the same respect for him but I’ll b a friend for the boys if he wants help x

[daydream]

So glad we don’t have kids together, to be honest it’s just a whole other sh*t storm of stress.

I have a kid and he has a kid though he doesn’t see his child and I try and keep him away from mine litrally but a couple of times they have crossed paths and when they do he’s the best guy ever full of motivation quotes and bloody laughs and am just like wow!!

His Mum is trying by the sounds of it to get him sorted as much as she can and he does look at least like hes got some remorse for her when he goes off on one same as he’s always crying and apologising and thanking me when hes in sane mind, but he tends to come over here to escape the eyes staring at him (as Ive always had the tone of I cannot stop you, the more I tell him not to do it the more he does it, its insane as if I put it in front of him he wouldnt take it hes like a child looking for a reaction!)

Where they live it’s in the sticks and hard to come by but where I am he lived in this area for 3 years so he only has to walk down the street and he’s got his ‘friends’ chatting to him .. I’ve even said I am going to move just so he’s not got the option but he tells me temptation is every where it’s on him to say no but when he’s drunk he has no morals.

Doesn’t help that narcotics rehab says hes allow to drink in moderation responsibly .. I spoke to one of his rehab mates in front of him on a zoom call and asked him what that means to him and he was like well having a glass of wine at dinner .. Having one pint out .. then I look over at My crazy t*at and he’s swigging vodka neat out the bottle like it’s water and like whaaat?? Just makes me think he pretends he doesn’t get it – so he can get away with it but he bloody does know and that’s what makes me mad!

[louise1505]

Yeh I am it’s his inconsistency that’s the problem and the let downs always late wen he does turn up spends most of time on his phone they deserve more x

[daydream]

I am ok .. Just sat here laughing at the fact he can post online to do with work stuff, but not reply to me! At least he’s ok, hey!

[louise1505]

They always are ok!! But one day they will see and crash and need us !

[daydream]

Well mine made a promise he is seeing me in ‘7 days or less’ on Friday .. He swore he wasn’t drunk when he said that – however now thinking he was, as Friday tomorrow. So I’ll just wait on it now messaged him on Tuesday and still no reply!

[louise1505]

I think they forget what they say !! Had it all xx

[daydream]

Yeah I know they defo do mine lives in fantasy land half the time to be honest he’s whoever he feels like being on the day!! He was in the army a few weeks ago I don’t know of he was telling me this thinking I would believe him or what but imagination skills to beat a pre schooler! It’s usually only when hes constantly been drunk for a few days he remembers like then when he sobers up he forgets till he’s drunk again it’s like dealing with 2 different people! xx

[louise1505]

They really are ! I used to joke before. I knew about the coke that next time he “crashed” wen I thought it was depression I’d film him an wat he said . If only I did! Xx

[kel1]

If he don’t come and see you within that time what will you do? Ah Daydream you deserve better than that! I think it’s madness the way we wait about – I did for so long. In the end for me it was anger – I was furious at the way he treated me and I just wanted to make it right. Sort of like healing a wound and putting a plaster over it.

I think Louise is probably right in some way about them always being ok. Partly because that drug makes people selfish and full of ego! Arrogant even. Well, one day they will wake up from the sh*t storm they’ve created and they will fall! Then let’s see them get off the floor.

Knowing me I’d probably be there to help but I’d never go back to that!

[daydream]

Louise I might still do that!! Thing is mine tends to only see me when he wants to get hammered and he’s said that himself that I am his escape from reality :/ it’s like he lives in the ‘real world’ for a few weeks then can’t hack it so slowly goes down hill and then boom phones none stop and he’s here acting wild!

Kel1 Well it’s kind if clear that he won’t be here now so as usual I’ll put it to the back of my mind .. But yeah I am feeling anger right now to the point that when he does decide to call I feel like I am going to say I live in the real world and to be honest I don’t need this sh*t, clearly you don’t ever think about me when your ok any normal thinking person would at least message the other person and ask how they are not just ignore them. I think this time it’s worse as I’ve sat and listened to the apologies and the promise he’s changing and he’s basically set out the rules of seeing me once a week and telling me when he needs space but then broken them, it just drives me insane that he swore he was sober when he was messaging when clearly he wasn’t.

So I feel like I am going to say, your selfish, and yes I said I’d be there but no actually not like this as I am not a lesser person than you and obviously you think I am.

Funny as I had his photo read last night by a medium and she basically put back that he’s shy, he’s troubled, has issues to deal with before he makes commitments, has another girl around him that he likes, he likes me but feels inadequate to be loved, hates himself, lacks self esteem, will let me down if he commits now as he isn’t ready, I’ll get him eventually if I want him but have to let the time pass for it to unfold. Litrally all she had was his photo and the connection he is a friend .. Hit the nail on the head, she’s also said I can do better and after lock down I am going to meet someone. Funny that people keep saying after lock down it will be different like this situations only happened now like no this has been going on for years!!

[dot]

When your in the midst of everything you thinking is different. You have sort of anxiety and realise what your losing and then get paranoid and anxious

I took me till like day 30 to get my smile back. I’m smiling every day again and my behaviour has calmed down dramatically. I think logically. It’s only took me this long aswell because ice suffered with anxiety as well so when I argued with my ex I used to have little outbursts. Now that’s under control I feel like am back to the old me like me from 1p

0 years ago but wiser. Am happy and am smiling. If I could just explain to people using how different my life is and how worth it is to do. But like they say until someone is ready to change they wont…

All of my aspects of my life have improved and my quality of life is excellent. I’ve got money in my bank. Dont have dealers chasing me week in week out. I’m healthier I look better. My teeth are back white as they was going yellow at one point and yeah.

I might not have my wife back but it’s me now whose realised my quality of life is much better. I am loving myself and I’m a better person without her….

He will batter himself for the way he treated you. I’ve still not forgiven myself but I have accepted what I’ve done and know it cant be changed…

I hope he manages to sort himself.

If you need anything advice or w.e I can tell you what worked for me.

[louise1505]

Ur right iv always said to my ex u can’t hack the real world ! He’s 33 nearly 34 which is pathetic!

And yes their ego is bigger than their conscience! And unfortunately that will always win hence y they only show remorse wen on a come down and feeling shit about life!

Daydream u deserve more and I think sum times u have to take a leap of faith to c ur worth – once u do that u will look bk like an outsider and not recognise the old u.. u will c ur worth and get a man that is consistent clean and knows wats wat these arnt real men they boys playing with ppls and children’s lives selfish they know wat they are doing wen they go take it and choose to go do that rather than playing with the children or making fun with us!

The addiction might be an illness but if they really wanted to grow up and make lives with us and the children they would coz it should be the most important thing In the world to them like it it’s to us but the drug the “mates” the women and money takes over !!

Don’t sit and be second best wasting ur life waiting for him to fall trust me the minute he sees u get up and get on and ignore him he will soon panic ! But ur really worth more in a few years u will look bk and not believe uv sat and listened to all the bull sh lies and promises wen they have no intentions of keeping them wen on this stuff they physically mentally can’t- iv told my ex I’ll never go bk to him I’d never trust him and I don’t wana live that way but wen he’s fully clean or if he needs help getting there I’ll be his friend but I’m not waiting anymorw for him to fall and realise and it’s a weight off my shoulders- iv accepted now he’s chosen this life and iv got to get on with mine for my boys more so .

Iv recently had an unexpected death in my family then my very healthy uncle collapsed and now has terminal cancer ! It’s really put things into perspective for me life is short and can be gone at any given moment if they don’t care and see that then it’s their fault I begged my ex’s family to help me and him with all this and they don’t care so let’s hope they don’t get a knock on the door he’s overdoesed or in prison one day ! I’m not wasting anymore time on him now I’m glad I can vent on here it’s really stopped me venting to him wen he doesn’t read or listen to half wat I said anyway !

The day will come wen they do fall but I can’t waste my life any more waiting for it it’s been 3 years of hell and letting it go – happiest I’ve been for years xx

[daydream]

Dot .. I just don’t get the midset, How someone can promise they are sober, then turn up drink decide they are spending 500 on coke spend the night being the nicest person going making all the promises telling me he loves me, in the morning be crying and saying they are worthless .. then a few hours later phone you and say forget about them and block me .. then a week later call for money (I owed him) Then spend the next 3 days detailing the plan on how they are sorting thier life out .. Then ignore me again.

From what I see when he’s normal he can’t be bothered, when he’s high or wants to get high he’s calling my phone none stop, he’s said I am an escape from his reality and make him happy .. So basically what does that make me, this is kind of the point that no one can answer!

[daydream]

Louise .. Yeah I said to mine your not addicted to coke and drink your addicted to escaping reality and he admits that as well which I just think wow.

He loves the attention, can always tell what type of mood he’s in as he hates going out yet when he gets there he’s centre of attention.

This is what attracted me to him in the first place as sad as it is as he was very successful had his own business always looked nice and can talk the talk, he’s often helped me with my business as he’s got the mindset, but I feel like now when I look at him he tells me hes getting back up there and he’s going to get back to that point but I just think how? He’s always telling me reputation is everything but the more erratic he is he sticks out for the wrong reasons and people do notice it.

I suppose the bad thing is I can’t work out which person is real anymore as they have blended into one, I always ask him who he is today him or his alter ego (the addict) I mean who actually splits themself as uses an alter ego as an excuse to act like a t*at?!

[daydream]

So he’s on another bender, but this time instead of spending all night talking to me .. he sent me a message in the afternoon basically pretending to be his Mum saying he’s left his phone there and he’s not ignoring me and she wants him to be happy and if it’s meant to be with us It will be, we need to have fun but at the moment leave him be .. he was then online ALL night .. So so draining, don’t know what’s worse the insult to my intelligence or the fact that he can’t just come out and be honest .. Obviously he thinks I’ll believe it, won’t message as I’ll think it’s not him online, and he will be free to chat s##t with whoever he’s online with .. Then can be like wow 1 month clean to avoid admitting that hes slipped again, Really astounds me! I feel sorry for him having to come up with something like that so he doesn’t look like he failed and get a lecture.

[kel1]

How’s everyone doing?

[louise1505]

Hi I’m goody ex contacted me saying he hasn’t took. Coke since Xmas so I said ok if u drug test and prove u havnt and set days times for kids we can talk etc – so wanted to talk so arrangedto see him next day dint turn up or answer phone etc. Still no mention 2 weeks later of seeing kids only live 5 min away has seen once since Xmas . Saw him on someone’s snap chat driving a very flash car think it’s this woman’s who he knocking about with Who also takes coke — he was in Mcds drive thru in it with his mate 2pm in a week day so not working still – could be seeing his kids but choosing not too .. think he still deep in it all actions speak louder don’t they . Nothing would keep me from my kids. Yet he is choosing to stay away xx how are u xx

[kel1]

Sounds like we are in the same boat as my ex partner hasn’t seen our kids since Xmas and now the text messaging has stopped. It does feel as though they don’t care and it makes me feel upset/angry. Our eldest just got her exam results and has he asked – Nope. Shameful. I agree nothing would stop me seeing my kids either.

These people have chose their paths now so let them get on with it. If sniffing drugs and sleeping about, along with having mental lapses floats their boat so be it. Sad existence that and all very superficial.

I guarantee one thing though, when the party is over I won’t be around to pick up his sorry self.

Always here if you need to chat

[daydream]

So mine sent the message pretending to be his mum and didnt hear from him for a week.

He then comes back saying he’s not spoken as he’s been in a negative mind frame but he’s decided we need to do the dating thing .. he’s apparently booked a few weekends away, we had some deep text convos where he’s said he sees a future with me without having to go looking to start again .. He promised he was coming over at the weekend, I didn’t hold out much hope but low and behold he phoned me saying he was coming a day earlier.

Picked him up he was sober talking about all the plans he’s been making and some he’s put in place all positive and NORMAL until about 12 at night .. Went up to the bathroom and was gone for a bit so I went up and wiped the side and you know it .. so asked if he’s done it and he said yeah but just one line as he’s got to think clearly to tell me some stuff .. He then says he’s scared of loosing me and then we had a long convo until 7am about his problems and life, where we are at basically made me think you know what he’s actually better than he’s ever been he actually does love me.

Went to sleep then said he was going to a meeting which I was like ok .. Said he would be home for 4 .. picked him up flat on his face at 7 but he was proud as he’d taken no drugs .. He was passed out by 8 so I had to do the usual getting him to bed stripping him off etc.

Woke up the next day asking what he had done and I think he wanted me to go off on one but I actually kept calm .. He looked shocked I’d managed to get him in bed and bought water up for him.

He went back to sleep for a few hours woke up the perfect man and then stayed all day sober and taking nothing .. Sent him a text on Sunday night and he’s not opened it.

So basically I am at the point now.

I said to him I feel like he uses me as it’s like he can come here do what he wants then go and pretend to everyone he’s still clean and he said he really does want to see me 100% wants to spend time with me and it’s not just about the drugs at all .. He’s trying to do right and put the past right so he can move forward with it all an him wanting me there should tell me that he loves me. From the messages I’ve seen he’s sent to people and how he’s talking I think yeah he is .. but I just feel like if you really cared you wouldn’t leave a message unseen for 2 days and maybe he’s trying to get right with everyone but as I don’t give him drama it’s ok.

But then I think everything I give him he could actually get somewhere else, so what is it about me that keeps him coming back if he doesn’t mean the deep things he says :/

Head wreck

[kel1]

Perhaps because you allow him to keep coming back :. Perhaps ask why you keep allowing him to do so and go from there. Focus on you, it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the chaos, but believe me nothing changes with words but actions. So now I watch what people do and not so much what they say!

There’s a saying “no one is ever to busy, it all depends on what number you are on the priority list”. No truer words said, especially when it comes to the drug. Always wins hands down.

It’s as though we fight a losing battle. They have to want to go to war (that’s with themselves, and not with us).

Basically we can’t change them and to be honest I wouldn’t want that burden – do you?

It’s one hell of a rollercoaster and white frankly a dangerous one. ????

[louise1505]

Couldn’t agree with u more kel – I did this last year kept letting him come in and out wen suited nice one minute promising the world would switch and disappear the next I dint know then he was on coke as soon as he told me I went mad and put my foot down sort it shit or stay away – he’s not seen his kids in months so obviously he chose drugs –

Daydream u need to cut ur ties if he sorts him self out then see if he comes bk in time but it will take time I’m 7 months in and nothing as yet not just me his kids aswel – really do u want a relationship based on his highs and lows not knowing where u stand ? And u never will like this . It will make u I’ll and he will take no responsibility and drop u wen u can’t take any more and move in to someone who will enable it . My advice get out now before it’s too late – if in 6 months a year he’s clean go for it then u will know his true mind set and how he really feels – he doesn’t know his own right now so there’s no way u can guess question wat he’s doing . It’s so hard upsetting and frustrating I know xx

[daydream]

I let him back because I love him and actually stupidly believe him when he says he’s not doing wrong things as at the time he probably isnt as every time we’ve spoken or messaged since he went MIA in June he’s been talking normally and feeding me the dream of me and and him.

I am coming to the realisation now and that alone makes me feel like s**t as clearly since he’s been back home this week week he’s living his ‘normal life’ he doesn’t feel like messaging me but as soon as he feels like he wants to look clean to the world but have a weekend off he will start buttering me up again and I look like I believe him.

I kind of wish I was in the reverse situation and he was with me living the lie then nipping off at the weekend .. As that’s what it looks like most partners do on here, yet I am the one who is the odd one out being who he runs to when life isn’t working!

[kel1]

You’re not being stupid. You love the guy! Does he deserve that? NO! You deserve the love you keep giving him.

And listen trust me you don’t want the reverse. Broken families, marriages, kids, homes and hearts – nah you’re the lucky one! You’ve had a lucky escape, I’m sure others who LIVE with the hell will tell you so. It broke me and I consider myself to be strong!

And he keeps coming back because he can! Eventually you will leave x

[daydream]

No he doesn’t I’ve litrally just had this convo with my friend .. I feel I am stuck between a rock now though as I’ve said I’ll always be there and he does pour all his problems out to me .. So for me to turn now and say actually no I am not waiting for you to sort your life out, it makes me look bad.

I think it’s more if I lived with it at least he would only be gone for a few days rather than spending a few days and pretending I don’t exsist inbetween as to me the inbetween is when he’s not using.

I feel like I am the only one who he can talk to properly about everything .. But this times really done me to be honest, I feel like for the past 3 years it’s litrally been an it is what it is situation .. But now he’s showing me messages he’s sending out to his family he’s offended and also telling me he wants to date me and wants me in his future it’s like wow but to then ignore me for 4 days don’t get it

[kel1]

Maybe he is telling you what you want to hear to keep you around as he could think he is losing his grip. I’m throwing that out there and it might not be so. But these people are skilled at manipulation.

As for making you look bad – to who? And what about YOU in all this. From what I’m observing you’re hurting also. It’s not fair that you are the only one he can Dump and run his problems on. A healthy person should have people all over to talk to. You have your friends don’t you. Ask yourself why has h burnt all his bridges as these are all red flags. You know this you’re a bright girl. But you’re hurt and disappointed, I do understand and reading this might sound harsh but if you just give yourself time and break free you would most likely agree.

It’s not fair how he is treating you and like ive said before and will keep saying you don’t deserve all this. You deserve love, Respect and all the rest of it that comes from a healthy relationship. What he wants is an ideation at the moment. He needs to sort his demons out.

Be strong ????

[daydream]

I have thought that but he’s usually very strict on not leading people down the garden path and for years it was just what it was so for him to now come out and say all these things is not like him at all.

I feel like I am constantly stuck in that he does come back so right now thinking what if he is meaning what he’s saying and I meet someone else and he comes back .. like I am stuck waiting while he is actually just living his life.

I agree with you 100% I just really don’t see what he gets out of it .. he could find girls to fawn over he’s a good looking guy and in turn he would have more places to stay to do what he’s doing .. So why me this is the question that litrally spins me out. He says because he loves me but if he did he wouldn’t go a week without replying to a text.

[kel1]

Ok so I once met someone I thought was my soul mate – he probably would have been if he wasn’t hooked on this drug. I absolutely loved him, totally besotted. He did all this as you’ve mentioned, kept coming back to me, opening up to me and when things went to crap it would be me who was his “safe place”. We would spend hours and hours talking and I could listen all day long to him. He slept about and told me, and I still thought the world of him – I still do! He was also very good and making me feel like his “princess” and no one came close to me!

But. In the end I couldn’t keep doing this because I was always waiting about – and believe me if I tried to end stuff then wow he’d come back in full force. However, when we settled again the pattern went back the same!

To be honest I got used to it in the end and accepted the situation for what it was. I was stuck on him! My mind was focused on the next time he’d call or make contact and a part of me hoped he would need me soon!

Can you see the similarities here. I get it! You love him and you care for him! But take a step back! Put some boundaries up and keep your options open because this bull crap is unfair and unhealthy!

Now, to date with this one I talk about i expect he will call with all his promises soon! I’m considering telling him to get lost but I know he wouldn’t accept it well!

It’s all hard but somehow I think we have to untangle ourselves and begin to LIVE our lives without all the above! But us humans love to fall in love with the idea of love ????

[daydream]

Yes 100% exact same situation!

I don’t know how he would take it if I told him to go honestly .. Usually if I ignore him he messages more or starts turning up.

Hes always adament he’s not sleeping with anyone and he’s not talking to anyone apart from me .. but I am here right now feeling so angry that he genuinely must think I am mug, even though he tells me he knows I am not stupid at all which is why he would rather admit what he’s done which usually he does :/

I really want to text him and just say actually I am not doing this you don’t love me .. But I’d rather wait it out and talk to him face to face but then it’s how long is that gonna be!!

Honestly I love listening to my friends normal man issues they litrally don’t get mine at all!

[daydream]

How long has this situation been going on for you?

[kel1]

Oh god I get all that also but I think he is just telling me what I want to hear. Giving me a bit of hope etc.

A long time, which makes it worse really because as time goes on its harder. We get on so well and he makes me laugh and has good energy. But the lows and the drama is too much. It’s as though I’m his all. I know that’s BS though. I think he wants the life with me but his issues are too much for him to manage.

He always says he will change and there I am believing it all, even tho I’ve been here many times. It is false hope verses some hint of him being genuine. I say that because I do believe he thinks alot of me but he can’t seem to “get it together”.

It’s heartbreaking and will probably be the one that got away. ????

[daydream]

Yeah I defo see that like last weekend I actually believed everything he was saying and then I backed it up by checking online and it was all true so I felt a bit better than he might be sorting his life out now nothing I mean how can someone be online and on social media yet not reply to a text .. It baffles me and I don’t follow him on anything so I wonder if he realises I can still see it!

I think this as well my friends all have different opinions on how its going to end up but they havnt met him as they don’t want to get dragged in but my best friend who has met him and sees us together says you can tell there’s something there she just doesn’t understand why he can’t keep it up when he’s sober and normal. He said last week I’ve been a friend that turned to family but he’s scared of putting me in the relationship as if he messes up he looses the friend and family and that can’t happen as he can’t not know me .. so to my mind keep me as family then don’t sleep with me and make promises!!

[kel1]

I get it all and it’s weird how similar it seems to be. I have thought that I’m even linked to his drug use so in retrospect he is “addicted” to me in some strange way. It’s almost like we are the ones they want but their lifestyle don’t match up with what they want. Its probably all the shame and low self worth, I say that because he always says I’m too good for him and I deserve better bla bla. He is probably right but you can’t help it if someone is in your head and your heart.

It’s like cat and mouse continuously.

Friends don’t get it and are quick to say “move on” and they’re right – we should! But that pull is too deep. It’s a deep connection so to break it will break us!

It’s a head f***

[daydream]

Ha yeah I’ve said that as well was funny as last weekend he was on about how he asked his ex to marry him and obviously I don’t get how he could be all in for her .. though obviously he wasn’t as he couldn’t help himself to ruining it.. but and I said what would you have done when you can’t keep away from me and he was like yeah massive huge problem going forward to be honest, He was even messaging me on the day he proposed and I feel sorry for her massively as she had what I see as the fake him so for her to slowly see a decline .. that would kill me, where as I am lucky as I’ve had who he is from day one but then I think that’s also the issue as he doesn’t need to hide it and he feels I’ll always judge him on past mistakes as well where she saw what he wanted her to until obviously he got so bad she couldn’t cope with it, where as I will just tell him to shut up and go to bed. I think he’s got some defiance disorder as well added to it as the more you say don’t do something the more he will do it so I just agree with him and it’s usually problem solved.

I wish I could have the normal head wreck men, my friend was crying last night as her boyfriend didn’t reply to her message for 3 hours .. if only they were our kind of issues, 3 hours would be like a dream to me!

How long does yours usually stay gone for?

[kel1]

Sounds exactly the same. One time he said he was going to London to see his Mum, so I said “that’s good” and he was like “why is it” – defiant and sensitive!

Well the longest has to be two weeks, although he would argue if it was 11 days and I said two weeks. Sometimes it’s every day, and then he goes. I hate it. I’m on day 9 at the moment, but I’ve heard that’s his said he needs to contact me ????. Assh**e.

I will get all the BS. And then he will demand to see me and all the intensity that comes along with it. If I’m quiet, he doesn’t like it and loses it a bit.

On the phone last Friday he said “let’s just get married” then spilled a load of his childhood trauma out and boom his gone again. I know I’m his safe place and someone who provides him with care and safety but damn he is unbelievably unreliable.

I told him I’m going to date this year and you would have thought I’d killed a kitten or something! Don’t like that I tell ya!

But I will and I am going to be a bit more open despite how deep I’m in it with him. No one is like him, but that’s the issue.

I reckon he’d go ballistic if I did go out and meet someone. I went Poland last year and he blamed his relapse on that!

Joker’s

[daydream]

Sounds like it’s the same boy!!

Funny as a friend of a friend came over and fixed my electrics a few weeks ago for a favour and he was massively offended by why a man would help me for nothing in return .. Then Last week he was debating if he would make the train on time so I said for a joke oh well if you don’t I’ll be out as the electric guy asked me out (truth) so he was like oh go then what are you expecting me to do be upset? suprise suprise he made the train and when he got here told me that if electrical guy came within a foot of me it’s the last thing he would ever ever do!

He’s often said I don’t expect you to wait for me but clearly if I go on a date that the last thing the guys gonna do he’s trying to make me actually wait!

I get the same with the childhood trauma he’s litrally up all night talking about it and then he drinks as an excuse to forget it!

Last week he wanted to go out so I was like ok have fun obviously he got in such a state the next morning it was my fault I let him go out .. Like if I told you to stay in you would have gone anyway!!

I the whole melt down on my birthday made him realise I am not just going with the flow for him to say everything he’s said since but the fact he keeps saying he gets he’s got to do the actions then actually not doing them.

Honestly!! Longest he’s been gone is a month when he was in his situationship but I always hear from him at least once a month when I first met him it was a few days but since May he’s only been 2 weeks which makes me even more mad as he’s ramped it back up so now I don’t know what to expect.

Ha on the Poland relapse though it’s litrally anything to make you feel like your at fault not them isnt it how about just own it! When I get things like that I just say how about think about how I made you then come back to me, never had a reason!

[kel1]

It’s exhausting, and I’m not short of offers and he knows it which winds him up even more.

Oh goodness I hired a skip and was having my garden done and low and behold I got the whole “who’s doing the garden” bla bla as if I’m a damsel! I think these men have double standards!

He always tells me his deep dark issues which makes him exposed and vulnerable! I think he “let’s of steam” around me, but I also think it’s a manipulation tool to keep me feeling sad for him.

Oh his booked a holiday in September! Obvs I said a few things, then decided to tell him I’m going on a girls holiday – would you believe he went missing for two weeks came back and blamed me and demanded I don’t go. But he can go!

If he went for a month I would not answer my phone! I won’t answer when he calls next week (and he will). It’s all cat and mouse but you know what I’m not available when he feels to contact so I’m not going to bother to answer! He then rings rings and rings. He seems to sort it out when this happens.

[daydream]

Yeah it’s the same here he goes silent then he’s back with sorry Ive been a no show .. then with vengeance the week upto him coming over he’s on the phone every night and messaging me then he turns up, has an off load and off he goes into the sunset not bothered till next time usually I do get a follow up message but obvs not this time!

Yeah I can believe everything your saying .. Same as it’s ok for him to get engaged and then lie about it only to admit it afterwards!

I think the whole manipulation thing is probs right for my case as well, As I don’t see him acting like this to anyone else, and that’s why I think he’s scared to get in a relationship as I know too much .. behaviour and issues!

[kel1]

It’s pretty messed up and predictable. I tell him he leads a boring existence really.

I often wonder what he’d do if I just blanked him for ages! I have asked him once and his reply was this:

“Without my soulmate I’d give up with life because what would be the point”.

So I’m like (in my head)

“This guy is nuts”

I mean how strange! If I am that much to him what is all this madness about ????????

[daydream]

Haha see mine never does all that .. First night I stayed with him I was his perfect angel and he wanted to spend every weekend with me for the rest of his life .. that then went to if I asked if he liked me his reply was are you with me here? stop asking stupid questions .. To then after 2 years telling me to my face hes in actual love with me and missed me soooo much .. Now it’s a mix of he can’t not know me, I need him and he loves me but he doesnt need to deal with emotions and he wants to date me not rush in :/ like seriously?!?!

[kel1]

Think that’s the drug. They are so messed up on that crap. It’s crazy and I’m sure the show will go on as long as we allow it ????

[daydream]

This is why I think on ‘clear’ days when he’s not contacting me that’s his true feeling .. but the drugs make him thinks he needs me .. Do you know what I mean? But still they know what they are doing and saying .. and that’s the part that gets me the most it’s actually intentional!

[kel1]

Oh they definitely no for sure. I get it because he does the same thing to me. Its confusing and hurtful. I never know how this will end up. He says he end up dead or something like he will suffer so it’s always negative. Then he gets bursts of energy and hopefulness. Doesn’t last tho it’s relentless.

[daydream]

Yeah I used to tell mine he’s going to end up dead and he was like yeah so what if it happens it happens .. that’s now turned to don’t worry about me I’ve got too much planned to die ???? Clearly you have and that doesn’t include messaging me back.

Which is as I’ve said before my actual nightmare as he’s done bad stuff but he’s not a bad person he’s just really damaged .. but like you say where’s the ending to it really?!

[kel1]

Oh same here and what’s worse is that the “bad stuff” he seems haunted by. I see his potential and actually he allows me to see him and not this version he portrays himself to be to the world.

I have no idea when it will end, most likely when we’ve had enough!

[daydream]

My ex is a narcissist but doesnt take drugs and you could tell his past trauma was fake and fabricated for him to be a victim, every story was made up or half truth as he wouldn’t take questions on it. He made it feel like you were seeing behind the mask and vulnerability but actually it wasn’t at all every single side was fake.

This is why I think I am more for this guy as he never makes himself a victim like my ex did and he is actually wounded by the past stuff and knows where he’s gone wrong .. So I know it isn’t a personality disorder, When he’s showing up with no mask on it genuinely is who he is .. Like when he makes comments about stuff you know that’s his low self esteem talking but he wouldn’t admit it out loud.

With my ex I saw potential at the very start which then diminished quickly due to his vile attitude, but this guy’s potential hasn’t ever changed to me I know he’s capable and so does he if he just never sniffed that sh*t in the first place!!

[kel1]

Oh goodness, you know how strange, he said his ex partner was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder! It does make me think about some of the traits. I have experienced the lies and manipulation but put this down to drug use. I know his past haunts him and I’m sure there is so much more to it that he hasn’t shared, however he does not seem to move forward in an healthy way! Hasn’t worked thru any of it!

I’ve known my fair share of narcissists in my time and I’m an empath so I attract the assho**s. With him tho im not so sure.

I do wonder tho ????

[daydream]

I can’t stand them like you I attract them and can spot them a mile away usually .. I always say to him He needs therapy and he says he’s had it all his life but telling me things while sniffing a bag of coke isn’t dealing with anything!! My other ex was litrally an empty shell even when he cried it was fake but with this one he crys it’s like actually sobbing that you can’t fake if you wanted to .. but when he says his regrets some that you actually cannot change it’s like an empty silence as there’s litrally no advice I can give or nothing that will make it better! He’s defo obsessed with money and status like my ex was though .. But the push pull behaviour is a narsissist trait!

[kel1]

It’s exhausting isn’t it. I wondered at some point why I attracted them so much. Turns out my mum had traits so I was a product of that behaviour and went to what was familiar to me!

I can spot them (narcs) a mile off too but I went into therapy and I learned how to manage them! I think I just wanted to fix them all haha

Anyways I think mine has probably got some traits, but a full on narc nah I don’t think so. He has a huge heart and he gets sad when I’m sad etc. Narcs are selfish and unfeeling!

As for the regrets well no you can’t change some of the things done but you can certainly avoid repeating or making amends as well as forgiving self!

Regrets can be used as a positive to make changes but they don’t see it that way. They love to wallow in self pity instead of standing tall and taking ownership of their issues.

That push and pull tho is exactly what we are both experiencing!

[daydream]

Exactly the same as me and my Mum it is wanting to be accepted and you think if you fix you are viewed differently .. You never are so you need to go and get another!

I’ve just searched fb and found mines been tagged in a status from the weekend so been through and looks like he’s trying to be deep and woo her since Friday, I know from the ways he’s typed he’s high .. sad that I can see it just through a style of typing, but she’s thinking all good things come to those who wait.

At least I know what he was doing at the weekend and if she thinks some surface messages are all good things she’s litrally got another thing coming.

I am raging right now at the fact he can’t text me but has time to follow comment and like selfies, we have never followed each other on social media and it’s like wow I am not even worthy of being friends on the internet.

I’ve just phoned my friend an was like I am litrally done now.

[kel1]

Wow, sorry I went to bed early last night and just seen this. I can imagine you’re not very happy right now! It’s that rollercoaster ride again – but I hope you don’t let him talk you round as his taking the absolute piss here!

This is what I mean, these men are out there having a party and here we are trying to care and love them! Doesn’t seem right huh! Yeh I’m gonna do the same today! Tell him to feck right off! Had enough now!

I don’t blame you for being angry! He should be thankful for you but these guys aren’t because they sort of have us on a string and there we are dangling for them!

Will you tell him you’re done or just ignore him?

[daydream]

To be honest even if I message him he will ignore me anyway .. I sent him a message and deleted it last night and he’s not even got back to me over it. So whatever I say will go unseen and he loves it, like doesn’t cross his mind he makes me feel like shit.

I am livid like actually fuming .. I wish I could pre empt how long it’s going to be till he decides to message. I can’t believe how beggy the girl is as well like it’s embarrassing.

Have you told yours yet? Does he get back to you?

[kel1]

They do love it because it strokes their ego. Ego is all they have left. Empty shells!

We end up playing some sort a toxic game because I was thinking just then “ignore him back”. See, that’s what this behaviour does to us.

I get the ole when will he contact, and the only reassuring thing I can say is that HE WILL.

Nah I haven’t because he will flip one and I’m in no mood today to deal with that Jerry Springer crap! I will though this week! If I was to text him now and say that’s it he would call in seconds constantly!

As for the girl, forget that! It will only affect you more. I look at the women now as an empty shell just like him. He thinks because he tells me about women I’m ok with it. Wth!!!

I don’t even think about all that because it would hurt to much and when my mind goes there I’m in bits, so yeh I get why you’re angry!

[daydream]

Well I messaged him told him clearly I don’t need to wait till October to see ghosts .. he read it, then hour later I sent a happy anniversary of us meeting hope your ok anyway .. read and no reply .. Its actually funny!

Like am sat here thinking does he think him ignoring me is killing me when the reality is I am thinking wow rude.

Think it’s worse as he has kept saying he’s only talking to and seeing me, but actually he’s lying through his teeth and the girl looks like she’s chatting to 50 men so she is an empty shell I agree obviously desperate for attention from anyone .. If she thinks all good things come to those who wait she’s mistaken if she thinks her wait is over!! Bunch of mugs!!

[kel1]

Right listen here, you definitely need a game changer. Stop the messages like that, and sit it out. Meaning, don’t be so available to him, definitely don’t do the sarcasm because he will ignore you because he knows you’re right. And maybe it isn’t killing you physically but lil by lil it will kill your self esteem! It’s so horrible and destructive.

It’s disgusting what they get up too and they chat with anything! I don’t believe it when they say that I’m the only one, although I know I’m in some warped way important to him! Like I’m his back up plan!

They lie lie lie. The amount of phones he has broken because I’ve called him out is ridiculous.

They are mugs! All of them

[daydream]

Yeah back up plan for sure!!

His ex never posted much on fb apart from the odd photo that I could live with but this girls updating her Facebook every hour I won’t be able to sit and watch and not make comment if it carries on as knowing he’s with someone is one thing seeing it is another .. Not that she’s posted him it’s just about how happy she is and selfies!! Pathetic!

I am just thinking so rude right now and I don’t know how he thinks he’s coming back from this so for a girl he looks like he’s only been chatting to high over the weekend it’s a joke tbf!

[kel1]

What kind of things is she posting? And nah you have more class than to contact or speak up to some random girl. I think he has gone to far! And he has got used to you being there even though women are in his life. At least mine tries to hide it. Although I don’t know which way is worse ????

People who have to state they’re happy online are far from happy! That screams self esteem issues to me.

Are you watching to see if she says anything about him? I’d suggest trying not to look at it as it’s only going to wind you up.

[daydream]

Just how loved up she is and how good things come to those who wait .. He must have really run game to have her posting that stuff as from what I can see he only started liking her stuff on Friday .. but maybe it’s been going on off fb longer as in chatting! Guessing it was her who was calling at 3am last Saturday night now!!

He will tell me but he never tells me who it is .. I’ve litrally found that by chance as she tagged him!

I am not sure what is worse either he told me he was single again when he was clearly not at the back end of last year and only recently admitted that but apparently it wasn’t cheating as he was technically single .. Yeah right!

Defo self esteem issues on her end it’s the 3rd selfie of the day .. but they like someone to fool don’t they!!

[kel1]

It’s so unhealthy and make sure you’re careful with him when he stays with you. Nah this guy is a joker. I’d defo try work this guy out of your system! It’s all games isn’t it. Seems this way and you’re getting hurt! Ain’t right

[daydream]

Defo .. Stuck between him ignoring me so I am waiting and more excited and relived when he does finally decide I am worth a text or he’s not bothered and is making it known .. Either way like you say it’s manipulation and after all I do it’s horrible and shows exactly what he thinks about me, as clearly he’s got time to message girls he’s doesn’t know!

[kel1]

Mines doing the same. I think it could be he is waiting for me to contact. Hell a freeze over before I contact! Had enough of it all.

It’s an empty pit of disappointment!

I don’t get excited anymore to be fair I’m always just fed up with it.

[kel1]

Well, I’ve done it. F**Ked him off and turned my phone off! Had enough. Found out he was in a bath robe with someone (female).

Lies lies lies. Now he is on his own! I am dreading the next few days now.

[daydream]

It is an empty pit of disappointment your 100% correct, I’ve still not had a reply however no new likes on any of the girls stuff (2 days now) so who knows what’s going on!?

Wow how did you find that out??

Good for you though, I wouldn’t follow through :/

[kel1]

Ah I’m done with it all. I’d rather the pain now and get over it than it to continue. Can’t live this way forever.

Someone told me I know amongst other stuff.

I have to go through with it because I know I’m worth more than that crap. It’s all psychological and I’m playing a dangerous game.

[daydream]

I know exactly what you mean!

It is psychological .. You defo have to decide to just be done to be honest I was in December last year, if it wasn’t for a 2am phone call on a Friday night to the point I was genuinely thinking he’s on the brink of stupid I wouldn’t have gone to rescue him on the Saturday .. But when I look back on that I feel like what was the point, He was down but where’s it got me!

[kel1]

Exactly. I think you get to a point where you decide enough is enough. No one is worth your inner peace. So much more to life and I need a lil calm in my life right now. Time to adjust the crown dust me self down and live on

[daydream]

I hope you stick to it!

I am getting to the point of not caring as well now, think if he can leave me on read for 24 hours what’s the point. Am not sat here upset about it because I know he wants me to be!

[kel1]

Well you’ll get strength one day to kick him to the curb. Let’s see how this pans out now ????

[daydream]

Well he’s clearly kicked me to the curb at the minute!

Sat and watched him go on and off whatsap last night and actually had no emotion about my message still being ignored! I’ve got to the it’s ok stage now .. so if he’s never gonna reply it’s ok I won’t be messaging him!

Have you heard anything yet?

[kel1]

Yep he bloody turned up at my work and he was sent away ????????

I was in shock but knew he’d kick off

[daydream]

Oh no your joking???? Was he high .. How embarassing?!

[kel1]

I have no idea I didn’t see him but he was angry apparently ????

[daydream]

Hopefully nothing has come of it tonight?! Still not heard from mine but no likes on the beggy photos that girls posted so I presuming he was off his face and chatting sh*t over the weekend to her .. She’s probs gonna be my replacement for some where to run to as it’s getting to real round here :/

[kel1]

All quiet so far didn’t hear anything since. I feel as though he’ll go on one now and start later or next week. Thing is he knows I’ve had enough now. Not wasting my life anymore on something I’m getting only hurt out of.

They always come back it’s just down to you what you do when he does ????

[daydream]

Yeah I am thinking the same, this morning there’s comments and a like on a photo so am just like .. she can have him it’s time for me to be happy now he clearly shown he doesn’t care so he can stick to his choices!

[kel1]

Yeh they don’t really invest the best versions of themselves to us so what’s the point. I don’t feel special or happy, only miserable and it’s lonely!

[daydream]

They just don’t care that’s why which I’ve actually realised by watching this on fb it’s like what suits them selfish .. I bet I’ve not even crossed his mind while he’s chatting to this other mug even after all he’s said to me which I now see is basically a means to an end as if he meant any of it he wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing now drugs or not!

[kel1]

It literally changes people into monsters! Egotistical with no soul! It’s as though any ounce of decency diminishes and you just can’t reach them!

It’s a constant ego boost they need. Similar to a narc actually

[daydream]

Yeah I actually tried to Google that earlier but to be fair there’s not much online about the difference between coke addicts and narcs!

But very true, I won’t be getting hooked back this time I always held him at his word but now I just think wow how can you spend a whole weekend with me then leave and ignore me like I am nothing really.

[kel1]

I think the behaviour is the same as a narc ????. It makes sense because they really only function with their ego! The ramifications are the same I tell ya!

As for him spending time with you then leaving like that, well that’s just cruel. It’s unkind.

There is no life with that kinda person!

I feel as though the damage I’m allowing myself to go thru with all this crap is going to affect me with future people! They’ve probably messed us up!

[daydream]

He’s still not replied so I deleted his number on Saturday night wrote a whole message to him and sent it to my friend instead and I feel better!

Your right to spend a whole weekend and then leave and not even reply or speak to me after is cruel but also shows me he actually doesn’t care .. It’s all his behaviour at least I know I’ve done what I can. He’s played himself!!

[kel1]

You’ve done all you can definitely. I don’t think they care about anything or anyone other than themselves! In actual fact I’m not even sure they care about themselves because they wouldn’t abuse themselves the way they have.

I actually don’t think they function and think the same way as we do. It’s madness because they make no sense.

I’m sick of the crap! I’m sick of it all, it’s left me in a pretty messed up way.

[daydream]

Well by the looks of it he bloody cares about her .. sat and ugly cried just now as wish I hadn’t seen it in a way wish I was just thinking he’s off on one .. but I see him liking her stuff everyday and am just like how can you find the time to do this but not just say to me move on as that would be the decent thing to actually do?!

I am now thinking how many others have there been while I’ve been sat here thinking he always comes back to me, it’s actually gutting!

[ele1215]

Hi I completely relate to this. My husband has always done coke since the ages I guess if around 18 I met him when he was 30. He has never hidden his using to him is normal and completely acceptable because to him it’s recreational and I’m the one with the problem because I don’t see it like that. My husband will spend anywhere from £50 – over £1000 in a “session” a session is every weekend minimum sometimes these roll over into the week. In a way it’s lucky he has been able to fun this lifestyle but because I have his bank logins and he can’t get to his money he will rack up debts and then spend a few weeks paying them off. This is my problem now is that extreme lengths he is going to to get what he wants. I can not control the spending anymore because what I think was 250 for a night is actually 1000. He says it’s my fault all he wants is for me to sit with him on a Friday and join in. I have said I will not do that. I don’t want to end up in his situation in years to come. I’ve tried to compromise and won’t get upset on the Friday as I know that’s his weakness after a stressful week, but it always goes beyond that. Our weekends are dictated by drugs and alcohol, 3 beers and it’s game over. My husband certainly does it for. Reaction he hates to be told not to do something and if I ask him not to he will hit it much harder. I have made his treatment of me acceptable because I have allowed it to go on for so long and I know that has to change but my heart currently rules me.

[kel1]

That’s not recreational love that’s an addict. As for him asking you to join in? Wow is this your prince charming?

He sounds like a loser!

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s crap, however you need to look at what you get out of this relationship! Doesn’t sound very healthy to me at the moment, and doesn’t sound like he wants to get help and recover!

[kel1]

Ah that sounds awful, unfortunately it’s typical of these men to treat people so poorly and selfishly! It’s crap isn’t it. Try not to keep looking as I think that will torture you more.

Block him/ her etc that will affect them/him more.

You ok today

[daydream]

Yes ok today thank God it goes in peaks doesn’t it though! Feel like I would feel better if I had a time limit on the ignoring and knew when he was coming back

[kel1]

All quiet on this front as well. Strange! Calm before storm no doubt. Ah sod it I’m doing me right now and trying to get off the floor and sort my head out.

You’ll be alright. Don’t sit a wait around and look at social media. It’ll do your head in

[daydream]

Kel1 yeah I’ve had my friend round tonight stayed away from it and I feel better till tomorrow!! Glad it’s calm on your front! But yes I agree he’s probably getting up the courage to go all in! Mine reckoned he booked us a weekend away second week of August so wondering if he’s going to forget he said it or hope I do or if he will pop up before then, it’s the not knowing!

ele1225

Yes agree with kel defo not recreational at all! And to be suggesting you join in really is a loser .. mine is the opposite and says if I ever try it he will kill me. You really do need to run from him!

[kel1]

It’s really sad this. You’re literally missing him I can sense that. I can’t say you’re too good bla bla because you’ll find that out one day.

They always come back, it’s what they do. And likely he will turn up when you least expect it. Evenings are better for me too. During the day if work ain’t busy my mind wonders!

????

[daydream]

Yeah I am feel like my friends are getting past it with me now as I’ve said if he’s going to ignore me and not messaging and is done .. don’t get why he’s keeping my number in his phone as I can still see his photo and it’s set to contacts! It’s exhausting in itself just trying to keep my mind off it all!!

[kel1]

Well it’s something you’ve been thinking about for so long so you’ve got used to it. I think we get addicted to seeking and searching endlessly. Doesn’t help us at all but I’d say you need to take your mind off him and detox yourself daily. He sounds like he is “on one” at the moment like mine so I’m expecting the tears and come downs – which is crap and unfair!

I still haven’t heard since he came to my work ????

[daydream]

So I am 3 days late did a test this morning and don’t need to tell you what result was :/ Sat here thinking Jesus Christ

[kel1]

Oh my, you must be in shock! I would be terrified actually. What’s going thru your mind and what will you do

[daydream]

So thank the Lord (not religious but I was this morning!) I’ve done 6 more tests through out the day and all negative!! So thinking that it’s life’s way of scaring the sh#t out of me as seriously 101 things were going through my mind this morning!!

[kel1]

Well I’d still check with the doctor or keep an eye ????. Oh yes I’d say you’ve had a warning, but what’s more worrying is you’ve had unprotected!! One thing was mentioned to me about getting checked out ????. Although, I was always careful so I didn’t need to.

[dot]

I dont know what to say. I mean alot of his behaviours exhibited mine but I would never of got my ex wife to join in. Sounds alot like narcissism to me that. Control issues. I dunno what to say even I’m flabbergasted.

[kel1]

Alright Dot,

I agree with you here, we’ve even said that ourselves about how they present like a narc!

I think sometimes it’s hard to break away from that type of behaviour, because of what’s left behind!

It’s not healthy, but love is blind! Or some strange version of love ????

I think the joining in thing was from Eles husband and not Daydreams guy tho ????

[daydream]

I know only because the length of time I’ve known him and I believe him when he says he’s not sleeping around .. However not an excuse and based on what I’ve seen last night .. The girl he’s been chatting to has posted photos of them out drinking then laying on a hotel bed I am guessing that’s also a lie so on Monday I’ll be getting tested.

I actually feel like I am living in a dream world at the moment

[kel1]

Ah don’t that’s made me feel sad, because behind that “dream world” state is a deeper set of emotions/feelings.

They’re disgusting, let them go sleep with whomever, empty ass carcasses! Let them burn in their own s**t! That’s not love, it’s all EGO driven by bad behaviour, and believe me NO love is present there!

What you got planned today?

[daydream]

Yeah 100% I am waiting for the next happy photos of them knowing full well he’s off his head. It’s the fact she looks so smug in the photos when she’s known him 2 weeks ffs!

I’ve been at work today and now back feeling like sh*t. What gets me the most is if I had free time I would pick him to spend it with and he would rather be spending time with someone I presume he’s just met .. She drove 3 1/2 hours to see him as well so he must have talked the good game!

[kel1]

Sod them/him! That won’t last, but really would you want him knowing what you do now? If so, that’s heartbreaking! You are worth so much more.

She may look smug, but does she know what she’s dealing with for real, probably not! Gotta pity her really, because he will end up bored of her soon!

[daydream]

Reading you putting this is actually helping more than you realise As my mates don’t get it!

I think I am more upset that again he’s done this and he’s laughing about it I feel seething mad he’s obviously spent a whole weekend with her not even thought about me once or any of the promises he’s made me.

I keep telling myself she doesn’t know him .. She can’t do, so he’s not changed for her has he he’s just pretending to be someone else as his main thing is he doesn’t want to be judged by past mistakes so in his mind she’s a clean slate. Half of me wants to message him and tell him about himself but I don’t want him thinking he’s got a reaction and I care the other part thinks wait till he contacts me but then am like how long is that going to be .. It just gets under my skin he thinks I am so stupid and hes basically laughing his head off doing all this stuff!! I mean obviously he’s free to do it as we are not together but why spend a whole weekend with me then ignore me and do this, obviously this is what he always does I just don’t catch him and have photo evidence!!

[kel1]

Hmmm, this guy I doubt is laughing, as he is far to selfish to be considering anyone else. The sad reality is “he probably isn’t thinking about you whilst with her”. That’s harsh I know, it’s just plain wrong. But I bet that’s the truth of it.

She doesn’t know him, but she will in time and that will be another women fallen victim to his crap. The one thing is he is still using I bet so things won’t change. If he does change then how long will that even last for.

He sounds as though his had his cake and eating it. Don’t let him keep coming back spinning lies then leaving because you open yourself up to all this pain and suffering.

Mine is out there panicking now and I won’t cave in! I am not available for him and now his low! Take the wind out of their sails.

What’s it about this guy that you have it bad for him? Got to unhook yourself a bit!

[daydream]

I think he is defo using as some photos she posted but then deleted is his typical behaviour just him acting like an idiot. She’s probs thinking he’s just a vile drunk but she’s probs not at the stage that I am where I will just walk in on him in the bathroom never mind what he’s doing so him nipping off for 5 mins won’t be suspect, she won’t openly go through his bags or know where he keeps his secret stashes of it .. same as she will think the constant tooth brushing is hygine! Feel for her actually as if she hangs around she’s got a world of shit to deal with.

I know he’s not thinking of me and he litrally doesn’t care about anything he’s said, that’s what makes me mad as he thinks I buy it all when I don’t. The amount of times he’s told me I am not talking to anyone but you .. I need to work on myself before I get into a relationship. I want to take you on dates all that crap I think are you genuinely believing that in the moment and putting it out for a sweetener so I think that’s what your doing!? I said to my friend this morning when he comes back if he dare even tell me he’s been working on himself and keeping to himself I am going to play along just to see how far he takes it as now I know 100% he is lying and I have the proof.

This girls got 2 kids and lives 3 hours away not sure how he’s gonna keep that up seeing as currently he has no car so unless she comes to him all the time it’s 5 hours on the train!

I said the other week that he’s got to find a replacement me as I think he’s getting in to deep and I no longer react to his bulls*it and he loves the reactions as much as he does drink and drugs!

No idea why I am so hooked on him, I think it is just the potential and the fact I feel like we are exactly the same I am just the clean version of him it’s like I am so tuned to him I know exactly what he’s going to say before he even opens his mouth

[kel1]

Course he is using, and she may be naive or just plain stupid. If she has kids why on earth would she bring someone like that in their lives. That’s actually concerning, unless he actually thinks alot of this women! If he is traveling so far then ????????

He is talking to others, and also in hotel rooms and in those rooms things are going down! So it’s all the proof you need!

You can wait about for him and even let him spin more lies, or you can “let him go”.

Maybe he is into deep with himself, addiction, women and all the rest of it! That’s not boyfriend material is it! You know this, as do I.

I got hooked because I liked the way he made me feel “special to him” but that’s crap! I wanted to believe it and I did on some emotional level, but deep down I knew it was more about my own issues (at play)!.

Come on these guys aren’t what we need but what we want and at some point we have to sit down to our own banquet and look within. You’re smart and so I know you’ll no what I mean here.

You are not like him! You are what you want him to be luv! Don’t confuse the two. X

[daydream]

This is what I don’t get he’s actually got nothing but his looks which are fast fading and nice clothes bought in the days when he had money, so I don’t get what he’s told her.

She’s driven up to him .. if that was me I would be expecting to stay at his house not a 2 star hotel room .. so has he admitted he’s currently living with his Mum and she gives him pocket money from his wages?? Again if I was new that would red flag to me .. Or maybe she is that desperate it doesn’t matter how far he lives And what he’s doing but still at the grand age of 34 you would expect someone to have more s*it together.

He won’t have gone to her as for him it is a coke weekend as if you add up a couple of 8 balls 4 bottles of vodka and a hotel it’s his whole budget gone, she also posted on fb a week ago that she goes 50/50 which is a dream for him.

Defo know what you mean it is my own issues .. I am pretending as well as he does. He’s replaced me or maybe this is one in a string of someone stupid girls .. as I am getting less stupid by the day.

I said the other week I feel like he uses me and I enable him and he swore he wants to spend time with me but I hit the nail on the head and I nearly text him that last night but stopped myself, Decided if he can leave here not reply to one message and leave me on read while doing this, he’s not interested in one thing I say and will love the reaction. All the stuff he’s said over the last month isn’t true at all and he had 0 intention of doing any of it .. He said he wants to date me as I don’t judge him and the doctor said he needs to make new memories and be happy .. So he chooses to do this.

The whole he sees me and family and doesn’t want to loose me or not have me in his life .. I sucked that in .. Mad at myself for being such a mug.

Funny thing is I always worry about him over dosing or not being here when he needs me and it’s kind of made me think he’s probs got a lot of girls he can talk to anyway so who cares.

X

[kel1]

I get what you mean about the worry of overdose and actually just general worry about their well being! It’s really sad that we can still care for these selfish men, and they basically s**t on us from a great height!

I think you should not spend so much time thinking about her and him because this is dangerous and it’s hurting you! Let’s face it, really you don’t know anything, other than assuming, and assumptions are the root of all f**k ups! We imagine the worst!

What he says about what his GP has said I think sounds like manipulation! Even if the GP did say it, to use that to shape a future with you and then do all this is just nasty! Don’t be mad at yourself though, as your feelings were genuine.

And you can’t be replaced so stop that. Stop putting yourself down! You are you and know one else is!

Glad you didn’t text him! Let him be! This idiot is disgusting and you really need to rid of them, he sounds awful and how he has treated you!

[daydream]

Exactly!

I really do need to stop thinking about it and what they are doing but I just can’t think it’s cuz I am sat here on my own and he’s not picked me when I would pick him I sound litraly sad af saying that!

Yeah I think he’s manipulated a lot and if I questioned him on it he would be having fun and didn’t promise me anything when actually he has!

He is disgusting your right I just need to try and not sit here wondering when he’s coming back!

[kel1]

Look at it this way by him not picking you has done you a favour. You’re way to good for this sh*t. Take that choice away from him now because that’s you taking your power back!

[daydream]

It’s the him not picking me .. Again that breaks me, especially since he explained why the first time wasn’t to do with me he just needed someone who doesn’t know him but he doesnt think that now it’s like wow so again it’s not me you choose!

I know what your saying though .. funny as another Ive been friends with for a while who is a normal came and did some jobs at my house in lockdown to help me out and he went mental about it saying if he comes in a foot of me again he’s gonna kill him, kind of just feel like actually giving him a chance now as what’s good for the goose .. He can’t expect me to sit waiting for him while he’s doing the opposite!@

[kel1]

Well, then you choose you now and take that choice away. The only way he can choose you is it you let him.

It really isn’t about you, even though it feels like rejection! He is selfish and uncaring and it’s that simple. I’ve set my boundaries and mine has apparently stopped using ????. We’ll see!

As for the other guy, well only if you want and not just rebound or an attempt to make you feel better! Be by yourself, you sound cool so enjoy being single for some time.

[daydream]

Yeah defo he never chooses me though and never will as like you say he thinks I am going no where whatever he does he can stroll back in no questions asked!

I was actually meant to be going on a date with the other guy the night he turned back up so instead of going on the date I spend 3 hours on the phone to him .. This is what makes me mad I’ve wasted yet another 6 months while clearly he’s not giving me a second thought!

Haha we all know that line (no pun intended) Then it will be just a one off .. Honestly what is wrong with them!!

x

[kel1]

You don’t need him just like I don’t need mine! I just wanted to be protected and loved and he did the complete opposite! Madness.

Give yourself time before dating though, otherwise reminense of him/them will be contaminating others. Well, I’m not interested in anyone else, and he knows it! Idiot!

Yep classic lines I know and what’s funny is it comes from someone he knows will tell me! What BS is that crap! About not using ????????. What, so when I’m gone he gives up! Haha joker’s.

[daydream]

I think when he does turn up litrally what I am going to say is .. I love you I always will but truth is you don’t love me you don’t give 2 sh*ts unless you want something. I am not letting you make a fool or me and take advantage of my love for you anymore as loving you only actually hurts me and gets me nowhere but sleepless nights so I’ve just got to let you go.

I know what your saying but I think the dating is long over due as Ive turned down so many people based on if he comes back when it’s clear now I have wasted my life away while he’s been doing as he pleases anyway.

Like the full enormity of the situation has hit me now and I just think wow, but you know what I am not sorry for being good to him as thats who I am Unfortunaly he isn’t the same.

It’s always when you leave they stop .. amount of times I’ve heard that then it’s just a one off, honestly it’s pathetic! They are jokers litrally sad they can’t live in the real world with the rest of us and see what they are doing, like they have one life and this is how they choose to live it yet we are wasting our perfectly ok lives bothered about them!!

[kel1]

Awww that’s really sad reading that, as I can imagine you’re holding all of your emotions together and that’s not easy. You’re capable of love and respect, along with honesty and decency, and at the moment he can’t give you or anyone that!

Love yourself first, as cliche as that sounds its so important! Because you are a lovely girl that deserves better.

Of course it’s hitting you, that’s what happens when they go away for so long! And I know it isn’t easy. As for th dating, I understand what you’re saying but what’s the rush? Are you in a right place emotionally to date at the mo! I’m not one for getting over one for the other and I’m not saying you’re doing that at all, just be careful, because this is your self worth here. And you are important.

As for them getting sorted haha mine called today, leaving voice messages and finally I spoke with him. Oh you wouldn’t believe the crap I’ve heard today. And I said we’ve ended and then he flipped one! Get the tears, begging and all the rest of it but I’ve stood my ground but he wants to see me face to face before he accepts it and will call me tomorrow and whenever I want ????????????????????????

I don’t want to be reeled back in so Maybe we can help one another out here.

[daydream]

I can honestly say at this moment what I’ve seen isn’t forgivable in my mind .. like I keep looking at the pictures and it’s shocks me they are real even though seen them 100 times now them smiling actually turns my stomach.

Whatever he says he’s litrally set anything we had in my mind or in real life on fire.

I cannot go through life crying over someone who doesn’t care .. He might do on some level but he wasn’t sorry over the weekend he probs won’t be till he knows I know and that’s false anyway!

I just think I need some fun with a stable person for a bit!

You defo need to stand your ground as we both know the getting off it won’t last past you saying you will take him back .. desperate people say what ever when they are loosing!

We can defo help each other out!

I feel like it might be a few more weeks before mine is back now maybe another month so I’ve got the time to litrally get mad and get done!

[kel1]

Wow you need to stop looking at them, that’s torture! How are you even doing that, but that’s what is upsetting you! Listen F**k them and their smiles it’s all fake. Remember, this guy is a drug addict and so he isn’t happy, and I don’t give a f**k how much he/she smiles, that’s all just superficial!

That’s not happiness!

As for having fun, well that’s on you, so long as this sort of fun don’t end in regret and tears. I’m so not ready for that and the idea scares me, although I have offers also.

I will stand my ground, I have to really for my own sanity! I know I was fed lies and he is scared of loosing me, his told me that, but that doesn’t mean I’m his priority! Drugs are and that drug lifestyle! I can’t take all that, I feel wounded.

Even when they come back, they come back with an agenda, which is usually all about them.

[kel1]

How you doing today? I’m fuming! Like I’ve had enough. Today, he talks about a girl he knows in general conversation with me! Trying to get a reaction! Then, I said “I won’t be in your life” then he says “yes you will” and kept saying it. He actually has this sense of entitlement. He could be a narc you know!! He then said “I might call you tomorrow or next well then hung up”. What a controlling assh**e

[daydream]

Hey! Sorry been offline thrown myself into work :/

To be honest it looks like the girl he’s with has stopped posting public on fb so although I don’t know what’s going on which is driving me insane it’s also kind of a blessing I can’t watch it day after day!

Oh wow at yours, I think he sounds like a narc for sure, but that being said I reckon the 2 issues are so similar, But the talking in general is defo a reaction thing!! I know it must be winding you up but you gotta stay gone but for him to hang up just proves your point anyway, Did he say how long he’s not used for?? X

[kel1]

He said his new job requirements are that he gets tested twice weekly, so he hadn’t used for over one week. That won’t last!

Called me again yesterday saying “you moan when I don’t call, now you moan when I do, I can’t win with you”. Got the hump and went again. Total wind up to see my reaction and he got it! All to gain control again.

As for your situation, well maybe that’s all fizzled out. Glad you’ve focused on something else, even if it is work.

[daydream]

Jesus .. Mine will say he’s not used as he needs to do drugs tests as well! Mad that they use that as proof they are not doing it .. But then when mine does use he fake worrys he won’t pass the tests!

Sounds like he is defo trying to convince you he’s a changed man!!

It’s litrally draining trying to second guess, but then at least he is calling .. I don’t know the difference anymore between if mine contacts me if he’s doing well or not well.

I reckon she’s just set her profile to private as a friend messaged her and basically said she needs to be careful what she’s posting for public esp when it involves him since then nothing personal is on there .. they are still friends on fb so who knows all I know is I feel more sad as the days go on that he must always do this and I don’t know, starting to think I won’t hear now as it’s been nearly a month he’s never gone more than a month on the usual pattern!! x

[kel1]

Yep mine is calling but he is also spinning so many lies I can’t think straight. I am always confused, which I’ve learned that that’s what they do to throw you off scent!

I’m exhausted! What have I always said “they do return” and he will. Mark my words he will come back with some elaborate storyline and you’ll be sucked in again, or at the very least get you thinking again.

It’s sad because of the unknown, the rejection and all the rest of it.

Seriously though look at what we’re getting sad over and what is exactly rejected. It’s laughable really.

As you can probably sense I’m still fuming.

[daydream]

Yeah 100% What I do is screen shot everything so I can check back on what’s been said and when helps with the bulls*it when you can call them on it or get it straight in your own mind!

Mines been online a lot and was online on Saturday night so am thinking he’s ‘normalizing’ whatever that is ffs!!

Makes me feel worse as I slept over at the other guys house on Thursday .. litrally just slept in same bed he didnt try anything at all and he kissed me twice as we left in the morning .. I sent him a text saying wish I woke him up and he ignored it an hes ignored every message since – So just asked if he’s ignoring me to hurt my feelings for banter .. And he asked if I am on crack as what do I think he is .. Made me laugh, as clearly I’ve inherated behaviour from my main man :/

I just think wtf is wrong with me really, am I really that dismal!

Yeah can tell your fuming .. I am as well! Really want to move on but I keep coming back to him and really I am trying to replace main guy with the other guy .. an my upset over him ignoring me isn’t anything to do with him really it’s trauma from main one ignoring me.

Some sort of f*cked up is what I am :/ x

[kel1]

Yeh I get why you’ve screenshot stuff, wished I’d have thought of that previously! Saying that though I did keep a diary sometimes. I don’t even bother anymore with him and his lies and I think he knows it now. I am literally so pissed off I’ve sort said in my mind “I’m done”, not hurt, sad etc just done. With some anger.

There is nothing wrong with you! You’re hurt. I warned you not to go but hey ho what’s done is done! F*** that other fella he sounds like a t**t! Who does he think he is saying that and it ignoring you! Don’t go near him anymore luv!

I totally get it. I have tried so many times to get “unstuck” with my one and I’ve tried to talk to others etc but it always comes back to him. It’s as though I’m intoxicated. I guess it’s a case of we want what we can’t have – or the version we want.

I think we need to work on ourselves. Probably some psychological stuff going on. Mostly, that we deserve so much better – yet we want to rescue people who want to abuse us.

I can’t stop being fuming with him though, I’ve Never been angry for this long and he has gone silent now!

Someone warned me Friday to be careful trying to detach from him ????

[daydream]

It’s easy to say that in your mind though I’ve been saying it and screaming it at myself in the car alone all week as well, Wish I could actually wash my brain!

I know you did :/ I really thought it would erase him though but actually it’s made me feel worse on the not wanted scale .. Like what do I do wrong when I know it’s more them not me but when it’s two in a row!

This is so true, I don’t even know how to stop it either!

Makes me laugh though as the other guy saying to me what do I think he is but not answering my question is again basically putting the blame on me not him, do you know what I mean?

I just keep thinking main guy wouldn’t do this but then I laugh at myself as he’s been sleeping with someone else .. So even though hes not horrible to me he’s a devious sh*t!!

She’s just posted on fb that she’s picked her kids up so unless he’s moved in already he won’t be with her for a week or so .. She had the same outfit on as 2 weeks ago so I hope she’s washed it! Why do I even think of this crazy stuff!

Can’t believe yours has gone silent though obviously trying to think of another angle to come from or he’s fallen off the wagon again :/ x

[kel1]

You’re right it is easier said than done, is exhausting and I’m pretty sure the brain recalls information, which sort a feels like an addiction in its self.

Rebounds Never work, despite people saying it does, especially if you’re sensitive and you want your feelings respected! Sounds like you’re well shot of that guy, he sounds as shady as the main one. I mean you did nothing wrong, and he continued the abuse. I always don’t talk about the things I’ve been thru etc, as sometimes some people see it as a green light to abuse you.

You don’t deserve any of it, and you haven’t done anything wrong. I think on some sort of level we attract ” a type”. Subconsciously perhaps we are “choosing” these fools. Again, some issues we have underlying.

I think maybe stay off Facebook for a while, give yourself a break.

As for my one, oh he is out there sulking or sticking two fingers up at me! Probably angry and cooking up some other angle as you say.

[daydream]

It does so much and it always picks out the good stuff over the bad so after a few weeks you can’t remember why you hate them .. I’ve tried to write down a bad memory for every good one but that’s my issue he never treats me badly to my face so I’ve got to just imagine what he’s been actually doing behind my back!

Yeah exactly as any normal person would just say I am not into you, fact is I’ve told him being ignored hurts my feelings and I would rather know either way and he’s still ignored me and the question, and your right that is abuse actually!

I really wish I could stop choosing this type as it’s not going to end well!

Defo I think you’ve just got to get to a point where your not going to answer any of his messages or calls no matter what the tone is and then he will get the message .. Again I know how hard attachment is though so it’s going to be difficult! x

[kel1]

Weirdly he just called me all nice as you like. Telling me he is busy at work and still clean. Wants to see me etc. Sounds rough though. Keeps asking how I am ????

I think personally writing things down and reminding self helps but it keeps you thinking, which leads to the good memories! It’s those we hold onto more over the bad behaviour! Probably because it’s what we want!

I wish I didn’t have a type but I do, and it’s not always healthy. I have to do some work on me! This is crap! Drugs and women and a collapse in mental health! Nah thanks – as I say it out loud it sounds mad!

I’d like a kind hearted fella who treats me with respect and dignity! Where are they ????????

[daydream]

Wow .. Nice he’s asking how you are ???? mine usually does that when he’s trying to gauge reactions!

Yeah it is the good memories I said this to my friend earlier I hate the good memories!

I defo have the same type as you .. Had a breakthrough at work today though I was thinking every girl mines been with in the past 6 years has tried to change him including me we all wanted the good guy and we all failed so if this girl now can be the change then good for her as ultimately I just want him alive and well and if she can do that and he’s happy and not laying dead somewhere then that’s his blessing and he’s not actually my blessing so if I keep holding on that he is I am blocking what’s meant for me .. If you know what I mean?! What’s meant to be will be it’s not gonna pass by .. So I just need to keep that in mind when I feel like I am slipping into upset about him not contacting me! Know that’s not the same for you atm as he’s not with anyone else but you could try and apply it maybe?!

As for the good men .. Who knows?!?! x

[kel1]

Totally agree with you, as he always does this when he is losing his perceived grip. Same ole cycle but nothing really changes. He doesn’t want me with anyone else.

I believe what’s meant to be won’t pass us by so you’re spot on there. We ain’t rehabilitation centers for these men. They should be good men by themselves.

I think yours will come back at some point but then it’s down to you what you do next, else like me you’ll stay on the cycle. It’s time to jump off the merry-go-round.

Don’t waste your sadness on this guy, and focus on you now. I’m not planning on falling for this again

[daydream]

Yeah exactly the grip of it is what they want like to check your still waiting for something that’s not gonna come!! Even though they are in control of it all actually!!

I was saying to my friend earlier it’s like I don’t take what mine does personally .. but I take what the other one has done personally and she was like how can you do that .. but what she doesn’t get is last weeks guy did what he did in full mind and he’s had the chance to right it and he hasn’t where as the main one isn’t in his right mind half the time and when he is the shame of it all is too real for him to deal with so it’s back to the drugs which is why I don’t take it personally with him as I believe if he was in his right mind all the time he would be a decent person and that’s the f**kary of it all!!

I dunno am not holding out this I think this is probs the longest he’s not been on touch now and this big weekend away he planned is this Sunday obviously that’s not gonna happen so I think he will avoid me over that .. If he even remembers he said that who knows!!

I don’t think I’ll never not be sad over it fully but every day it will get easier I know that, same as you do it’s just getting there! Like I said as long as he stays alive! Also I hope he does stay with this girl as then at least my heart being shattered is kind of worth it in some way x

[kel1]

The Taking personally thing is because you hold him in your heart, and where there is love there is always forgiveness. You forgive him! That’s my take on that! Because I do the same, but although you’re right the other guy did take advantage with an understanding of what’s happened to you, he really is only in your head and not your heart!

Heartbreak and disappointment has to be the saddest thing really! With heartbreak lies, sadness, confusions, loss of hopes and dreams, love, excitement, encouragement and all the rest of it and so when all of that is removed, a part of you gets removed with it. That my friend is why you should guard your heart, and give it to the one who deserves it. Some people are like vulchers out there.

You won’t always be sad I promise that. You may look back and reflect but that will be fleeting and will pass with a sigh of relief

[daydream]

Sorry been offline had my wisdom tooth and root canal done so been feeling so rough all week .. Just logged into fb to see she travelled up there again this weekend with her kids for a cosy family day out, videos photos and clearly he’s not on anything .. So obviously he’s in his right mind. I feel gutted but also worse as I am Ill.

I am defo getting to the point of wtf, reminding myself he hasn’t changed and she doesn’t know the monster she’s exposing her kids to after a few weeks!

[daydream]

Update .. They are now fb official in a relationship and my hearts actually broken in 2 .. Had 2 panic attacks since I saw it 🙁

[kel1]

Sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve just got home from night out catch up tomorrow. Keep strong love. I’m here for you. You will get thru this

[kel1]

Hey Daydream, how’s the tooth now? Sounds painful ????.

Ah what does official even mean? Come on, we know this isn’t going to last! Has he magically changed and his addiction just disappeared? No course it ain’t. Let them have their honeymoon period because that’s what this is. And as for her swanning off with her kids I mean wtf how long have they known one another and kids are involved already ????. Well that’s gonna go tits up sooner rather than later because that just adds more pressure.

Just breathe….

[daydream]

Hey! I’ve got an infection now so basically it just gets worse! Waiting to go into the dentist today to have it washed out. I’ve been so ill with it over the weekend and I am never Ill so it’s kind of made everything 100% worse!

I agree with you now I’ve calmed down on it, funny as she posted photos of the day out with the kids and put his name on it but didn’t tag him .. So basically it wouldn’t link on his profile he was there .. then a few hours later it said in a relationship but not who with, so if he was serious he would have his name on it as in the past if he’s in a relationship or whatever he’s tagged on it .. Then she posted the same selfie from a few weeks ago and then yesterday removed his name from the post about the kids.

So somethings not right as he’s not claiming any of it apart from liking the post with the kids in he’s not liked the relationship, the photo of them or anything else she’s posted! Someone commented saying bring your new man for drinks and she’s put I will soon but can’t now as he doesn’t live here .. if they are in a relationship why has he no plans to go for a weekend so he could meet her friends as usually hell fire doesn’t keep him away .. all a bit bizzare and weird!

But yeah it’s a car crash waiting to happen isn’t it lets face it .. her kids look like 10 and 14 so they are aware children as well which shocks me and from what I can see she’s known him a month and that would have been the second time meeting him after being with him for that full weekend. He was here whispering he loves me a month ago and I doubt he would have been actually seeing her at that point. He’s really fast forwarding the relationship and I could hear his voice in videos she’s posted and it doesn’t even sound like him so he’s defo putting on a show.

Everyone’s telling me to feel sorry for her not myself x

[kel1]

Sorry to hear you haven’t been well. In this heat also ????????.

It all does seem a bit strange, but People are strange. Meeting kids in just a month etc just makes me think she’s a bit irresponsible, but I agree with your friends I’d feel sorry for her also, because you don’t know if she’s being manipulated. She probably is.

I think he is the car crash to be fair. Telling you he loves you then one month later he is out there with a ready made family ????. Madness.

I don’t wanna talk to mine. I’ve had it enough of all the lies. I absolutely can’t stand lies now so much it’s made me angry

[daydream]

I know it’s been awful to be honest!

I have no doubt she is he’s probs told her the whole speel about how he used to be a millionaire and he’s this and that and basically love bombed the sh*t out of her as she looks like she loves attention so all he needs to do is prey on that and he’s got her.

Sad that he’s got 2 kids of his own he doesn’t bother with yet can be out playing happy family with 2 kids he doesnt even know as well!! Thats gonna be his major sticking point as he gets down he can’t see his own kids when he’s with other people’s kids .. But again depending on what he’s told her she probs thinks he’s Prince charming and he’s saved her.

It is sad when you look at it that way knowing it’s all gonna crash around her in no time and also embarrasing on some level that she actually believes him.

Have you heard from yours at all?

[kel1]

A millionaire haha what a t**t. Oh I can’t stand people who are boastful that just puts me right off a person. What an idiot. If she fell for that then she needs to have a word with herself! That’s far from impressive, and if I knew he had kids he didn’t see that would tell me all I need to know! Waste of space.

I’ve heard from mine yesterday and I was sharp and basically got bored with his voice in the first few seconds. It’s as tho I’ve switched my emotions off! I have gone off him. Think they call it the “doorslam” I’m an INFJ personality and once we gone we gone ????

[daydream]

So it’s transpired today on her fb after she’s posted 5 year old photos of him with captions about how happy he makes her that he actually asked her out 2 years ago and she turned him down! He’s not liked any of her posts at all .. Kind of want to message her and be like that’s not how he looks now is it though?? I’ve got piles of recent photos if you want them .. Some taken a month ago when he was mash up in my living room, if your gonna show him show upto date photos not the ones he uses on dating sites babes haha! It’s actually laughable, she’s posted a thing about weddings in Italy tonight like really? Don’t know if I feel sorry for her being so stupid or for the fact she’s gonna get ripped off and left.

I actually am looking forward to him messaging me now as there’s no coming back from this I am done done. I won’t be saving him anymore. I think I’ve just constantly interputed his Karma.

The fact she’s posting all this stuff public as well tells me she’s trying to get at someone/prove a point and that’s shit girl code. Esp when he was engaged less than 5 months ago, that’s a red flag alone unless he’s told her he actually wanted her all along which again a lie!!

So yeah I think we have both reached the same point here on the door slam .. apart from I want to actually tell mine he’s been caught out watch him try and get out of it then make sure she knows as well!! x

[kel1]

Wow definitely sounds like his been an absolute compulsive liar. That’s awful for you but least you know now, still hurts though. What a horrid person, and it goes to show he has fed her BS also.

I’d be inclined to message her as well but to be honest she probably won’t even listen! That would irritate you more in the end.

Oh he will return, and I hope you stick to your guns because he sounds so unreliable and you won’t have what you deserve with him.

As for the wedding posts well maybe she’s delusional or just stupid. Has love goggles on but she will eventually learn the hard way!

How you doing now tho luv?

[daydream]

Yeah it’s a blessing to be honest!!

Like she’s posting litrally every 2 hours on fb just random stuff and he’s not liked a thing since last Saturday .. Not even her selfies or relationship status it’s all a bit weird to me!

Yeah she won’t listen as I think she’s making the posts to get at his ex fiancee but really she doesn’t realise no one cares, his ex has been drained of all her money .. I can see she would see it how I do that he’s finally changed for this girl but it’s the opposite she just doesn’t know who he really is and that makes it kind of worse, she’s even posting about how she likes to keep him up UP and in IN ..on his photos the person I know will litrally hate that as he hates public chat like that!

Plus I think if you gotta post how your so so happy all the time chances are your actually not!

I am sticking to it, I don’t deserve this sh*t I think I’ll enjoy leaving him on read for the rest of his life a bit too much to be honest!!

I am feeling ok all round .. Tooth extraction site still hurting a bit but nothing I can’t cope with!

How are you getting on?? x

[kel1]

Have you spoken to his ex partner? Did he take all her money? Wow

The thing is people can always check social media for updates, so often it is a platform for trouble. And I believe people only post what they want others to see, and definitely not as life is for them, so you’re right about that one.

I’m alright, have my up and down days, especially when I feel alone. Life is tough at times and 2020 has been shite for all of us.

[daydream]

No he told me himself that he ripped her off had money off her treated her like sh*t like the lost goes on and on .. And I know he does that as a pattern as well because his relationships last around a year and he always does well out of them .. He defo selects girls based on what they can give him!

So this won’t be any different!

Oh 100% I always say if someone is constantly on about how happy they are on social media they usually are not happy at all!!

Yeah it’s the lonely that gets me in my mind so now just try and keep busy so I don’t have time to think about it!

We will get through it just stay strong!! x

[kel1]

Well note to future self “if someone’s an assh*** to women then that person is an assh*** to all women .

We will get thru it, now I’m just left with angry bolts. I sometimes have this “how dare you” sort of attitude and I mean it as well.

I keep busy at work and it helps a little but damn when it hits me it hits me.

I think I’m just tired of my brain and need to learn to just accept the days that go by and forget anything else.

[kel1]

Hey Daydream how you doing?

[kel1]

Hey, Daydream how you doing?

[lilgunner]

After reading both of your stories relating to cocaine and addiction I take comfort knowing I’m not going mad.

A mate of mine who I’ve known for 6 years, but on a more personal level for for about 18 months has a major cocaine addiction.

I’ve posted a discussion on this forum.

My mate has slowly been on a downward spiral since I’ve got to know him in the recent months.

What started as a once a month addiction has turned to 1/2 times a week.

He makes promises, and really sounds sincere in wanting to come off the stuff, but he always ends up using. He has been to meetings and heard other people’s stories and doesn’t consider himself that bad “yet”.

I’m confused, as I know he’s a decent person, we used to kind of work together, and when he left his job that’s when he contacted me.

I’ve had the comedown episodes, the remorse and guilt, see it first hand and I’ve said I’ll be there for him, but I will not be entertaining his world when he is on one. I’m trying so hard not to.

He sits on whatsapp all night when using, spilling his guts, talking to anyone who will listen, messages women and even to the point of sending me photos of women who he is supposedly seeing. Don’t get me wrong, he says when he’s sober that when he’s in that state he doesn’t respect himself and he’s right he never does anything like that when sober.

We spoke several weeks ago over the phone, he was in a right mess, called his boss high and said he can’t come to work, she knew he was on something and stopped him talking further.

I told him, surely this is a wake up call he needs, and he said he had been clean for 3 weeks (a time I refused to tolerate his behaviour and blocked one another)

He said he couldn’t believe he f’d up like that but he would take the help work offered and if he’s clean there will not be problems. He said he recorded himself whilst high, he said he sounds like a mess and he feels ashamed.

Well, less than a week and he was back at it again.

Worse thing for me, he lives away from family and friends and isolates himself away and gets on one for up to 18 hours at a time. My fear, no really knows what’s going on, or if they do they don’t know the severity of it and will he wake up after a session or worse a heart attack.

He is so sneaky with what he does, but yet it’s ok for me to know.

I’m going out of my mind, he is a friend, but the drugs alters his mind; one minute his fine the next his someone completely different.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to change for me, I want him to do it for himself. I’m not looking for a relationship with him, originally I was keen on that, but the worser he has got the more I worry about him, I wouldn’t allow that type of person in to my world so freely, but it doesn’t stop this constant ache.

I’m scared of the outcome, I’ve lost family and friends to substance misuse and I really am dreading finding out he has lost his battle.

How do I support him

[Author]

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