[zesty]

hello (i really wanna put a smiley face or an exclamation mark to not seem blunt but ive hit an all time low rn so bare with me)

me and my boyfriend have been together for just under a year, he’s a couple of years older than me and we met at work. ever since our first conversation we’ve had amazing chemistry and something about him has always seemed so right? we’re very similar people and have a lot of relatable things to speak about. ive always been really inspired by him as he was stabbed in a random attack by a group of guys when he was 20, he nearly died yet will never bring it up or use it as an excuse etc. he’s just extremely humble about it. he’s had a really hard life but has the loveliest personality and i was so drawn to how strong he was and how much he would open up to me. -also just putting this in here as its relevant later on, both of us are very sexual / kinky people and often spoke to each other about porn etc. and when we was on coke we’d often watch it together, sex was something spoken about often in our relationship-

fast forward a few months and i end up helping him out with money a few times – buying groceries, paying his phone bill, etc. he’s always had bad luck with jobs and doesnt have any savings – i soon found out each month he was gambling most of his money away. we spoke a bit about it and i told him i wanted to support him and i just needed him to be honest with me and he agreed – a couple of times after that he ended up gambling more than he could afford to lose but each time seemed to be a wake up call and i was sure it wouldnt happen again.

a month or so later i decided on my birthday i wanted to try cocaine, id never done it before but knew he had and he was welcome to the idea. little did i know that a few months before we ended up dating he had a coke addiction. it was only for a couple of months and he managed to get himself off of it, but i felt like a lot of the issues that happened after this rooted from me deciding to try coke as maybe if i was never interested none of this would have happened?

i realised i fucked up when i went to pick him up on my birthday and he told me he’d done all of the coke he’s bought for us to do the night before, sitting in his room, by himself. i was so upset and horrified he’d lied to me about it and not told me that he couldnt be trusted with it. we ended up getting more even after me saying i didnt want to, he really pushed me to get it and said it was because he felt guilty.

since my birthday we’ve done it together about 5-7 times, we’ve done it quite often in lockdown and always made a point that it is a ‘treat’ and not to be abused (there was another time we had some in the house for a party the next day and whilst i was asleep he did it all without me then we had to buy more again the next day – thats when i realised it was a bad problem). we did coke together a couple of days ago as he works nights and we’d ended up messing up our sleep schedule as we visited a zoo that day and obviously couldnt have woken up at our usual 4-5pm, so we purely did it just so he could stay awake long enough for us to sort our sleeping pattern out. i woke up the next day to him stating he hadnt slept a lot, and i found out he’d got another gram whilst i was sleeping and gone another night not sleeping – making him call sick into work. i was kinda pissed but didnt think much of it.

because of his history with gambling every month or so i’ll check his phone to make sure he hasnt been losing all of his money behind my back, but this time i found something much worse than that. i found out he had been messaging girls and exchanging photos and dirty messages when he’d got the extra coke and i was asleep in bed next to him. listen to me when i say i am extremely understanding – i know what coke does to people and how it makes you horny and you dont think about anything other than the coke but like…. i was asleep next to him??? i confronted him and he blamed it on being ‘messed up’ and was super apologetic and affectionate but i refused to kiss him – when i eventually did a few hours later i couldnt stop myself crying because all i could think about was the messages. he’s asleep right now and i looked back and found a few messages from december with other girls (most probably on a night he was messed up again) so its happened once or twice before.

i just dont know what to believe as he is the kindest, most affectionate and loving partner i have ever had and always makes me feel on top of the world – would i be stupid to stay with him if i give him a chance and he proves to me that it wont happen again? i know coke makes you eratic and horny so maybe it was just a one off thing? we dont use it often and after i confronted him he said he never wants to do it again because he never wants to hurt me like he did today. he’s currently sleeping and im hoping once he’s rested (as he hasnt slept for 48 hours) and has a clear and stable mind we’ll be able to talk and hopefully i’ll be able to forgive him? i just feel really lost and like im in a dream right now and really need someone to talk to.

thank you,

d x

[bt1978]

Hey D

Thanks for sharing. There is alot in that post so forgive me if I’m all over the shop with what I write.

Firstly in my experience of being in recovery and interacting with addicts and alcoholics over many years there isn’t anything in there that I haven’t heard shared or seen before. This isn’t to lessen your problem mind as it’s clearly really affected you and your relationship in a major way but rather to let you know you are not alone here.

It’s clear reading this that your boyfriend has a problem. When taking it he cant moderate or stop when he wants to. That wont change or get better, its important to recognise that right away. Addicts will often have the delusion that they are in control or can stop when they want to, but that isn’t the case. The drugs will always prevail if you have an addictive mind and personality.

Regarding the other stuff going mention, and being married I’m going to be boundaries and not go into specific detail, I imagine that part of his addiction is a loss of control when using which is why that happened. Quite often people share about this – one thing leads to another and they end up hitting the “f-it” button – later regretting their actions. Often being in the throes of addiction it makes you do things that are shameful, regrettable and things you wouldn’t do otherwise. That’s why it’s such a horrible condition.

The good news is there is help, but it wont be easy and requires alot of effort. This might sound difficult but it’s far better than the destruction living life as an addict as it will eventually strip you of anything good.

There are a few things you could do right now if he is ready to tackle it

Call FRANK helpline to get some basic advice and identification

Check out the many NA meetings that are currently online. It may help him get identification with others in the same boat, they also have meetings on all day every day in zoom right now

Delete dealers names from phones

Self refer to GP to make sure there is no physical damage caused. I know cocaine users who suffered seizures.

Arrange drug counselling – this can be done privately or through the NHS

These are things that can be done right now. I note you said he has had quite a hard life and I imagine there will be something in that that’s causing him to self medicate- if he’s willing to reach out for help then it’s well worth seeing a counsellor as part of a recovery plan to address that and move on

Keep us posted

[Author]

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