[cocojumbo23]

I’m with my partner 20 years and we have 3 children. We are engaged 15 years. For the last few months I felt something was up. He never had money for anything. I would book all family trips away and arrange nights out and could barely add a penny to it. He was loving, funny, caring dad bur had bad mood swings where you would walk on egg shells in case you said the wrong thing. This month he made a comment about being broke, thus was a week after been paid. I asked how are you broke you only got paid and he said he lent his mother money. I investigated this and it wasn’t true. I asked him to tell me the truth where was the money going and he kept saying don’t be worrying. I left that day and went to my sisters with our son. I messaged him and told him I was staying with my family that night and when he was ready to be honest to call me. He rang me straight away and completely gaslit me saying what has gotten in to you this has gone too far there’s nothing going on. I told him your lying to me and yourself. I felt mad on the phone 2nd guessed myself thinking maybe it is nothing but it just didn’t sit. I hung up the phone. He asked to meet to talk and so I met him an hour later. He hit in car and I asked is it porn is it gambling is it prostitute.he stayed quite and I said tell me. He told me it’s coke. Well I nearly vomited. I started crying uncontrollably and he said see thus is why I didn’t tell you because this is how you get. My heart broke because he knew what i went through with our daughters biological dad when she was a baby. He was a geroin addict. He knew this and preached about how drugs wreck lives but still did it. It broke me. Its been 4 weeks. I’ve found out he was spending 500 a month. Literally doing it at home because he doesn’t go out at all. It’s been going on a year and a half or do he says. I told him i don’t want to be with him. He remains un the home and in my bed but I keep heading to other room. He has attended 2 counselling sessions and is trying to be as nice as pie to me. He called me chick the other night and I just felt sick I told him don’t call me chick we are not together. I honestly don’t know how to fix it I don’t think I can ever trust him again. The lies gave been going on months and months. Thus is not the first time he has said things will change because he’s been in trouble before when he drinks he doesn’t know when to stop. He claims having 2 bottles if wine on a Friday doesn’t make him an alcoholic. I’m so tired of feeling like the nag. Feel like saying go and live whatever life you want because this isn’t it. I don’t want a life if lies and feeling mad for myself or the kids. The 2 older kids get on with their lives but we have a child aged 10 with autism who needs so much emotional support and I’m trying to remain so strong for him. That’s why he’s dad is still in the house because I know it would cause huge upset and anxiety for my boy. Its just s**t and some days I’m.so lonely. I had a massive panic attack when I went shopping and the one person I would always go to to calm me I couldn’t It just made me so sad

[paw_x]

Hi Coco,

Sorry you’re going through this.

This isn’t your problem to fix, it’s his. Don’t take that responsibility as you won’t be able to make him change, much as you might want to try. For him to recover he needs to want it for himself. From what you’ve said, the comments of “this is why I couldn’t tell you as you know how you get”, it doesn’t sound like he’s understanding the level of his problem or ready for recovery yet. He’s the father of your kids but spending all that money every month on himself, but makes out you’re a nag for having a problem with it? He has a LOT of work to do.

This is up to him and your level of involvement is as much as YOU want it to be – think of your own mental health and happiness, not his. If you want space, you take that. And he’s in the wrong, he needs to sort himself, so he should give you that. He should be at CA meetings every day, to show you he wants to fight this. But you focus on you as you’ll drive yourself insane trying to fight his battle for him.

Look after yourself x

[cocojumbo23]

Thank you so much for your reply I really appreciate it. I’m doing okay and I’ve joined a gym to give me head space. I’m organising days out for myself and young child and that’s what’s keeping me going. Some days are hard and I feel lonely and there are days I feel sorry for him but like you said I can’t change him and I don’t have the strength to either. Thank you so much for reading my rant ????

[paw_x]

Sometimes it helps to let it all out! There’s so little help for family members going through it, compared to the addict who can attend CA meetings every single night if they choose. It can be such a lonely time for everyone else.

For my addict, he didn’t stop until he hit rock bottom. It wasn’t enough that I supported him last year, that I kept it going for the sake of our family and to keep going through with the big life plans we were making after he confessed he had relapsed – he was telling me it was all okay but still taking it and hiding it the entire time. It cost us a fortune and my sanity. He only really got into recovery and the process after he lost his job, as later that week I kicked him out as he was clearly wired to the moon – up all night/sleeping all day. If I could go back I would have made a much bigger deal of it than I did – nothing changes if nothing changes.

Keep venting on here as it does help! Wishing you all the best x

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