[kittenmitten]

I am glad I found this forum. I have been suffering with my husbands cocaine usage all by myself for too long and even when I try to talk to friends and family they don’t really get it.

I have just had the worst week of lockdown. I made the mistake last saturday of trying to talk to my husband as I had noticed over the last month of lockdown his cocaine usage had got worse. He was taking £500 worth of cocaine a month and it had gone up to £750 this month. Anyway I know I shouldn’t have spoken to him. During our conversation he goes to the loo and comes back high. I was trying to talk to him about how much he was using, about finding cocaine over the side in his bedroom (where our son could have come into contact with it) and of catching him (whilst i was with our son) buying drugs from a dealer outside our house. On the day he agreed with what I was saying but it didn’t stop him getting high whilst i chatted to him! The next 2 days were just hell. He spent his time being rude and getting angry. He grabbed me by the throat at one point. He says he just wants a divorce to get away from me and my crazyness and that he can stop taking cocaine any time but that its none of my business whether he does or not.

I said fine but I did threaten him with the fact that when we are in separate houses I wont be letting him have our child by himself as I don’t trust him (he gets high when our son is awake and during lockdown he has often been playing video games with our son whilst high. He also gets aggressive and irritable towards our son after taking it and sleeps all day so i just could never trust him on his own with our son). I know i should not have said this to him as it has angered him in the past but not enough to actually consider the consequences of his drug taking. I wish it could be different and I wouldn’t ever stop him seeing our son but I know I will be looking to a solicitor to sort out terms, like supervision and not overnight stays. Any advice and what I might expect on this would be really appreciated. I haven’t spoken to a solicitor yet and the care of my son has been what scares me most about separation and divorce.

For the rest of the week he actually didn’t take cocaine. He was restless, couldn’t sleep, was irritable. Today he is out on his bike and I know that he has gone to get cocaine. He lasted 6 days. I just hate the control cocaine has over him. I hate who he has become.

Nice to just write this here rather than text him because that’s what I wanted to do. But I stopped myself. There is no point trying to get him to stop, all it does is make him angry. I am working on moving on. I have a new job and start in September and then I will be able to support me and my son and pay for a solicitor. I am making plans and sorting the house to sell it. I know its going to be hard moving on but I know it is the only thing I can do for me and my son. Lockdown taught me that the man I fell in love with is gone. I can’t save him or make excuses for him. I can’t keep blaming myself or my son for my husband behaviour. It is not our fault!

[cathsp]

cocaine husband

Lockdown has been hard and all of the issues you experienced have been worsen.

I am sorry to hear that things have been extremely difficult for you and you wee boy.

In respect of legal route I don’t think you will have any issues with ironing out a supervised plan maybe use a Contact Centre.

Woman Aid have an outreach service that will support and understand exactly “where you are coming from” and the fears you expressed. They will be able to advise re: lawyers too.

In addition its website also have a great Freedom Programme that you can do online too.

It sounds like your husband is emotional abusive and controlling and all that blame will “Get to you” eroding your self confidence and belief in yourself.

As for the cocaine husband- its impossible to reason with someone who is “out their face” or live is “a drug/cocaine”.

I think you will need to time to-morn the man you loved and lost (so to speak). Mourn the dreams you had of a happy life together.

And remind yourself none of this is your fault. You are worth so much more.

And keep posting

[kittenmitten]

Thank you for your reply. I will check out that freedom programme and womens aid. I gave been recommended womens aid in my area but hadn’t had the courage to go yet.

You are right about needing to mourn my old life and husband. I have felt a lot like he died which is horrible when you live together. I hate looking at old pictures and remembering our life. Things were not always perfect but we knew we loved each other and we were so happy when we had our son. Now he says things like he never wanted a child and makes out that our life before was horrible. I think once I found out he was taking cocaine in july last year I actually felt better because before that I had over 2 years of him telling me that all his problems were his work, me and our son and i believed him and tried to make things better but of course i couldn’t.

[dot]

If you go down the correct route m. Harassment police etc you will get legal aid anyway. Regardless if you work they will support you as you are a victim of domestic abuse. I wish you luck with it.

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