[cally1001]

Hi everyone, I have just rang FRANK and they gave me this website as they said it would help me as others will be going through the same thing.

I found out last Jan that my husband was a cocaine addict through a lot of money going missing out of the joint account, I never realised as I had no reason to suspect anything.

He left home and continued for 2 months doing a lot of drugs, in this time I became a wreck and was checking everything, phone records, emails, following him I became a spy to my shame.

In March he came home as he was trying to sort himself out and I didn’t want to turn my back on him. He lost his job so I took a loan out so we would be ok for money.

It was hard but I thought he was doing ok.

He told me the area we lived in was a trigger so we sold our house (one we had spent years doing up) and rented until we decided where we wanted to live, so he now has a lot of money in his bank account which is worrying me as we spent so many years doing the house up and made a good profit.

Fast forward 3 weeks ago, we got back off holiday and he was acting strange and started an argument so said so you want me to leave, all planned I can see now and he left.

He took £1000 out that night and continued to take more out each night.

On the 4th day he came around and told me it was all my fault I treated him like dirt, I spoke to him badly and we were never happy.

He is staying at his sisters house and says he is getting himself better as what’s more important than our marriage is his health. (I agree with that I suppose)

What I am struggling to cope with is all the support I have given him and he has just tossed me aside like a piece of rubbish (I know I am being selfish and making it about me but its how I feel at the moment)

I have no one to talk to as friends and family where there 1st time around but they wont be this time around.

I cant eat, sleep, its affecting my job, my mind is on overdrive imagining all different scenarios, I am just not in a very nice place at the moment.

It has now turned to him txting saying he isn’t coming back home (I didn’t ask him to) and he needs to be on his own.

I am so confused has anyone been through similar and how did you cope.

Thanks in advance.

[georgia26]

This is so sad – he is clearly fighting an addiction and until he seeks help this will continue and will get worse – addicts become extremely selfish and blame you for their behaviour, do know, it is not you or your fault. Sending lots of love to you, I hope he gets the help he needs xxx

[icarus-trust]

Hi Cally,

I’m sorry to hear how badly your husband’s drug habit is affecting you. It must be very hard that you don’t feel that you have anyone who you can talk to about what is happening.

You aren’t alone as sadly, many people are in similar situations to yourself. I work for The Icarus Trust which is a charity set up to support people, like your, who are dealing with the impact of a family member’s addictions.

If you feel it would be useful, please contact us and you will be put in touch with one of our trained and experienced people who you could talk with. This might help you to make sense of things and find out what other help is available.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the best.

[hox]

I’m in the same situation, husband abusing drink and cocaine. His personality has completely changed toward me because of this.

I don’t consider myself selfish because I feel I need help too, coping with him. After everything I have done for his family and him, I too have also been tossed aside. My feelings don’t matter any more it’s all about him. I have never known him so selfish and uncaring in all our married life. I feel used and feel I have been disrespected.

I too cannot sleep or eat. it’s affecting my job as I cannot concentrate. My mind never stops its on overdrive day and night.

So yes I’m in the same boat, I’m just thinking that in time I will come to hate him for what he has done to us. Bad I know but I actually cope a little better if I imagine my husband to be dead and then I can think of our wonderful life before. I can then cope with this thing that has replaced him a little better.

All I can do is hope my husband returns as quickly as he disappeared.

[motherthatstruggles]

I have also wished for my ex husband to die .. then I can remember the happy times with our children and then he wouldn’t be around for the kids to witness the shell he is today xxx sending hugs xxx

[cali111]

My husband too seems to have vanished before my eyes 🙁 one day he loves me and is obsessed with me and then a couple weeks later won’t come home anymore and doesn’t plan to. Right after I found out about the cocaine use. I never would have imagined any of this I would be laughing if last year you told me this would be my life cause no way. Have things gotten better for you? My husband still stands by saying he’s only used it a couple times but he’s a complete different person. Just hoping that if he can’t get better that at least I can.

[cally1001]

Hi All

Well I posted this on the 24th Nov.

I didn’t see him again until the 2nd of Dec when he turned up in a bad way and I stupidly let him stay.

I witnessed him withdrawing over 3 days which was horrendous (considering I have never been in the same room as people taking drugs or seen a comedown) the first night his face was in total agony and he was blowing his nose constantly, disgusting but when he was asleep I looked in one of the tissues and there was bits of his nose in it, it wasn’t snot (sorry) it was literally the padding out of his nose!

he woke up screaming saying it was the devil after him and he said the devil had my face and I was scratching at him (nice) when I woke up he was asleep on the couch and a bottle of gin and a bottle of wine where empty!

he then slept for 2 days, He then went into work for 4 days god knows how.

on the 7th day he seemed ok and he booked into the drug centre where we live, he txt to say it was horrible etc. 3 hours later he rang to say I have done it again!!! I came home from work thinking he would be gone but he was in the spare room coked off his head looking at the internet at what cocaine does to the body!!

Again he slept for another few days and then he missed work.

I didn’t know how to cope so was still questioning him which I know would have added to the stress but there is no handbook.

2 days later he was gone again after an argument.

He rang a few times and asked if he could come for xmas I said no I would spend it on my own (thinking this would make him realise how bad it was)

He came Xmas eve and told me he was LEAVING ME and to get a divorce and left.

I spent 25th Dec until the 2 Jan on my own in the house, no contact from him at all.

He contacted me on the 6th jan to say I take drugs, get a divorce if you want a future!!!

No contact since then.

I have just put a deposit on a rental property and I move in 2 weeks and I have blocked all contact.

I have been talking to a councellor from the icarustrust.org and having one to one with a charity called footsteps and also attended a group for concerned families but I realised these sessions where about him and I needed to speak to someone about what I needed to do. he takes vast amounts of drugs and I realise I will never get any answers.

I told my work what was happening and they have paid for counselling and we are working out what I need to do now with my life, its about me now him!!

I have lost over 2 stone, my hair started falling out, I have cried everyday since the 24th and I know I wont stop crying for a lot longer but I am coming to realise that is par the course.

I am still in the denial part, my family cannot understand but I am remembering the husband I fell in love with and not this stranger that appeared all those months ago.

He has killed my plans of a family one day I am 40 now, he will have spent most of his half of the profit from the house, so killed the other dream of the house we wanted.

After speaking with his sister he was an addict in his 20’s, no-one thought to tell me, and he has been doing it for the whole of our relationship (I had no clue) but got really bad 18 months ago so my whole relationship was a lie and that is what is hard to deal with.

I wish I could say I feel stronger but I don’t but I know I will, I just take each day as it comes.

I lay in bed wishing he would come home but I am now starting to think why would I want that, to leave at xmas and tell me all them lies, I deserve more than that!

I worry that he will stop and meet someone else and give them the life we should have had but if he does then he does and I will know for sure that he never cared.

He still blames me 100% for all this happening as he says he was unhappy, we got married 2 years ago!!

Hox

I wish I had some good advice for you but its painful and there is nothing you can do but go through it, its nearly 3 months for me and I didn’t think I would survive but I have and I am talking to you now, as I said day by day. I am here if you need to talk.x

Sorry for long post but good to get it off my chest.

[hox]

Yes it is painful. I have lost two dress sizes, folk say I look good, but its the stress not a diet or healthy eating. They are none the wiser. The stress is etched in my face though I am feeling older.

It has not been good for you, he’s lying it isn’t your fault he has to blame someone.

I also have the bloody tissues and numerous other ailments that are connected to cocaine but it doesn’t register. It is a miserable existence.

[georgia26]

Reading this made me feel so sad for you.. you must know that YOU are not the problem, his addiction is and he will lose everything eventually.

Gosh that really worries me, I am 25 now and I have the same sort of thing with my husband (not as bad though) but I am terrified itll get to this.

Everytime addicts want a binge they start arguments to go and use and it leaves us there sad, blaming ourselves, questioning the way weve been towards them, when it actually isnt us.

I really truly wish you the best and all the happiness that you deserve, you are so incredibly strong..

I too am struggling at the moment but I am at the start of this and reading your post makes me want to run a mile, its so hard when you love someone.

Drugs and alcohol changes people, it really does…

I hate cocaine, I hate anything to do with it. I hate alcohol because its often in the places where alcohol is sold, my whole life is anxiety and worry over this.

How have you found icarustrust.org – I too am thinking of contacting them for some help. I need support too, supporting a recovering addict is draining.

lots of love Cally… xx

[cally1001]

Just like to add we have been together 12 years and married 2 so its been a long time this lie has been going on.

[emuemma]

I’m sat reading this , it’s like life is a blur . I found out 6 months ago my husband. Who I’d known for 5 years was and still in a cocaine addict. I’m only 6 months into the lies and deceit awareness program. He left after a month of me finding out . After I asked a calm question “ did you take cocaine , this weekend? “ He flew of the handle shouting and swearing. He left the house and returned. In the meantime my 74 yr old mother turn up . She then punched him repeatedly in the face . Not that I asked for that but . Then he left. Obviously ???? everything is always my fault. He has stayed with his parents ever since. The know nothing about the cocaine. They think everything is my fault. He’s clearly still taking cocaine weekend mostly. So it seems, it’s so unfair to have a broken heart ???? as well as a broken marriage and family relationships obviously aren’t good with his family or mine . As he’s painted the picture with his family that I’m the problem. My parents dislike him greatly. I don’t want to get divorced. Neither does my husband. But obviously even without him saying it , out loud to me . He loves cocaine more than me . My heart will probably never recover from that crushed feeling. Sad

[Lizzie52]

I am in the same situation. My husband left with his kids on Christmas Day and is now at his mum’s house. I found out he had taken cocaine again on Christmas Eve – this is about the 8th time in our 2 years of marriage and each time he swore he wouldn’t touch it again and I am heartbroken that he has destroyed our life together and that cocaine is more important to him than our marriage. There is no way that he will tell his mum but his 3 kids from his first marriage all know (18 years old to 22 years old) so no doubt the rest of the family will blame everything on me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t forgive him again as it will just continue I’m sure and none of my family or friends want me to take him back. On top of the cocaine use his personality is completely different – he’s nasty to me, belittles me and causes horrible arguments all the time blaming me for everything. I am completely destroyed because of all this and used to be a strong person and now I am just a wreck

[sheree9hotmailcouk]

I just want to say how helpful this thread has been. I don’t feel very able to articulate my story but so much is my life,the blaming,big money withdrawal s,the sleeping for days I’ll, missing work, drunk booze bottles by the sofa, . Loss of future hopes,losing weight ,hair loss. Wild accusations that I’m having affairs, Crying every day,every pocket I find full of my tissues from tesrs.There really does seem to be so many of us out there . I live with it but I think I am reaching a point of detachment for self preservation . It’s all so exhausting.

[hox]

There are a lot of us in the same situation. Before finding this forum I felt totally alone and unable to talk about what was truly happening.

If detaching yourself for self preservation works do it. We have to try to look after our own wellbeing too whilst worrying about the ones we love. Sadly they do not think about us whilst they are drinking, sniffing cocaine and not bothering going to work. Mine was burying his head in the sand and not dealing with a prison sentence looming.

I’m now trying to deal with the debt that ‘husband’ has left me. Plus juggling paying bills and the mortgage myself. It is exhausting.

I wish you both well.

[mirror234]

I too am currently in the same situation.

Been together 8 years I always knew he dabbled in coke on nights out with the lads etc, although he was aware of my disapproval and dislike he continued and I foolishly turned a blind eye. He stated his own business and everything was going well, wed just got engaged saving for our own place. Rewind to last March we moved in to our place and started planning for our wedding, slowly over the months it got progressively worse but I just put everything down to the stress of the business, cocaine didn’t enter my head. He stopped coming to bed at night saying he was doing “paperwork” he would come home late “caught up on a job” still naively never thought of cocaine until I caught him late one night in the office snorting it. We argued, cried made up (we know the drill) this became quite frequent but I never told anyone as I was so ashamed that my life wasn’t as happy as everyone thought, I knew they would judge and I guess telling someone would make it all very real. He stopped coming to any events with me, never spent any time together and yet I still carried on planning our wedding.

We married in March this year and even the week up to the wedding we spent no time together and he wasn’t coming home. Our wedding night, we finally fell into bed and he was asleep almost instantly however he was VERY sweaty, I checked his phone as my gut told me something was off and I found he’d been contacting a woman who I found out was an escort.

Since the wedding everything has fallen apart, the most unhappy of newly weds, he has contacted so many escorts but claims he has never met them just messaged them “for the thrill” I do now have my parents and his onboard helping me and have since told them everything but I just don’t know what to do.

He goes to rehab tomorrow which is good, almost a sense of relief I don’t have to worry or care for him for 28 days.

I just feel I’ve invested so much into our relationship but I’m scared deep down I can’t ever forgive him or trust him again.

I’m so sorry you are going through the same situation, I really do feel for you. Xx

[motherthatstruggles]

I just cried when I read that .. this is the first time I have been on this site .. my story is almost identical to yours . My now ex husband is a heroine addict , only found out due to loss of money and possessions .. moved away to avoid the trigger .. gave him space ! Very similar , we also have 2 children .

I’m so sorry I can’t give you a success story that’s not why I replied , I just wanted to throw my arms around you and give you a hug. Don’t you agree addiction can be so consumed to just the user ? I am the mother of his children and was his wife for 12 years and yet the whole

Time I stayed with him after I found out about his addiction (2 years) it was all about HiM. What he needs , how he gets help , what I can do to support him… now here i am , i have moved on (his choice) he chose heroin in the end and thankfully he walked away to

Prevent our children being exposed to that side of life .. not one professional councillor , doctor , support worker anyone has ever reached out to support the family he destroyed !

I get so mad that society has developed some amazing tools to help addicts and support groups etc yet where the thought for family?

I’m so sorry to rant away on your feed I just was shocked how similar the stories were and I really hope

You get a happier outcome than I did , I hope he gets help and YOU TOO. Also please don’t force yourself to try and trust , of you can’t .. please have your own life , one shot is all we get please make your life about you xxx

[ninzforever]

Your words are that of a true survivor, and there might not have been a happy ending in your marriage ,but for you there is and your are a 100 per sent right ,society don’t offer no support for the family and when you do cry for help witch I did I ended up with social services on my back although they don’t stay in my life long I’m now to scared to tell anyone it’s a lonely world out there and good on you xx

[cally1001]

Hi everyone

Not been on for a long while.

I will be divorced in 3 weeks ????

I would like to say things got better but they did not!! After my last post I found out he was living with a 20 year old.

The girl contacted me as nothing made any sense to her what he was saying about me. She had left him and funny enough we are friends now as I have been helping her as he really played a number in her aswell.

He is now with another woman about 45 so no age discrimination!!

The last 6 months have been hell but with help and support I am on the other side now.

Yes I am in debt, yes I have been hurt but god do I feel free!!

I found out so much about what he had been up to and it sickens me to think I lived with this man but as I said above I am free now and I can honestly say I dint think of him at all, maybe passing thoughts but that’s it.

Cocaine for me is the worst drug, it actually changes the person forever.

What has come out if this is I am a better person, more relaxed, happy, sociable etc so although it’s wasnt a good ending for the toxic marriage it was for me.

I hope everyone the best of luck but please anyone in the same situation please get out that’s my only advice. It’s not as scary as you think .xxxx

[hox]

It’s good to see that things are getting better for you and you feel free of this nightmare.

It’s awful reading what you have been finding out whilst he’s been on the coke. You are right it changes a person forever but that’s not just them it changes us forever too.

I wish you well and good luck with everything.

[margirl48]

Oh Thankyou for this !!!

I’ve recently split from my coke addict boyfriend who I found out also deals. I’m really struggling as he continues to contact me and I find I want to be his friend but.hate his lifestyle. Now I’m just thinking in order to get on with my life I need to cut ties and your post is an inspiration to me. I’ve no support at all and feel I’m going through this alone

[mammyessex]

Hiya I know you probably won’t see this as it’s been ages just wondering what the things were you found out x

[mjay]

I am struggling w the same situation w my husband. Unlike alot of others, I actually have known about his addictions since the beginning of our relationship. Once every few months he would suddenly disappear to go use. My first marriage was filled w physical and verbal abuse and after a long stint of horrible dating decisions, I met this wonderful, charming, handsome, loving, but terribly flawed man. He was/is wonderful w my children and when sober a very loving husband. Anyways at first I thought I could deal w the occasional disappearing (he only ever left for a night or two) and it was only maybe twice a year. He actually even stopped doing it all together (the disappearing not the drug use) for a few years. A little over 2 years ago our son in law committed suicide and shortly after that my husband lost his job. That year is the year I think I lost him as well. He’s a talented chef n has been handed opportunity after opportunity and literally BLOWS it every time! He’s gone at least 2-3 times a week and has gone to rehab 3 different times in less than 2 years. I know how desperately he wants sobriety and actually just had 90 days clean. That was 3 weeks ago, sadly…

He’s back to using again and the loving, hardworking, thoughtful man is gone. He’s lazy, selfish, condescending, and a liar. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I don’t smile or laugh. All I do is cry. Sober Shawn is everything I could possibly want in a husband. I just don’t know if I’m ever going to get him back and idk what to do at this point. I feel like he died(in a way he did) and I’m in constant mourning. God forbid there would be a family emergency bc he shuts his phone off and it’s like he falls off the face of the earth. He comes home defensive, throws a little blame my way, then is remorseful and vows it won’t happen again. Sleeps and eats for 2 days straight. Gets his mind right, goes back to the gym, then does it all over again. I know I can’t live in this hell forever, but I can’t live w out him…

[daisy12]

Heart breaking reading these stories! Although comforting also and insightful into similar situations.

I too are in love with an addict… although he’s in complete denial. He used cocaine recreationally for years in his younger years….we’ve been together just over 2 years… it’s been up and down but we’ve had some super times. Until recently the drinking has become heavily reliant drinking every night 3/4 to bottle of shy of ltr vodka bottle…. arguments and disappearing the breaking up the apologies, slight remorse… empty promises, and then ground hog day!

Cancelled plans, empty promises to give or cut back drinking. Some admission that there is a problem but they can deal with it! Which their not substituting alcohol for cocaine more often than not.

I’ve caught him lie a few times also I’m not stupid.

I’ve been firm and called out need help…After a tow and him leaving and that landed me with a breakup. But it’s twisted my fault…

it’s heartbreaking cause I love him but he self destruct and honestly if he can’t see there’s no problem.

It’s disruptive to everyone lives, on another thread they mentioned it was like a hurricane causing chaos!

I just hope that he sees sense that people around him love him before he losses us all.

Wish you all well and stay strong!

[kim32]

Reading your story made me what to ask for help

Hey new to all this and just desperate for some help,

My boyfriend of 3 years is a daily cocaine addict. I didn’t know until about 6 months in , was totally nieve to the whole thing.

He’s tried rehab but lasted a day. Other then that he hasn’t bothered! I can’t cope anymore the relationship is toxic he’s selfish he’s spending all he’s and my money. I work full time and have 3 teens not he’s children they are starting to witness all the toxic stuff that comes with an addict! I want rid of him until I know he is clean and fully clean I’ve tried to support him he done 10 days recently and life was so good calm and happy! Now back to everyday. Shouting first thing in the morning , erratic behaviour throughout the day and then 4 hours of sitting in the bedroom with a towel over he’s face so spiders can’t get in he’s mouth and nose! My issue is getting rid of him! When I try to Chuck him out he abuses me mentally smashes my house up and threatens so much I just take him back for peace! But this time I want rid! I know I can call the police but they only contact social services ! I have no where to go myself with 3 teens I just feel trap in this cycle and can’t see any end to it! Any advice

[saha7]

Hi Kim32,

I came on here to look for some support for my similar situation. I’m not experiencing the domestic abuse but a lot of other similar issues with my husband. If you want to leave you would be able to get support from women’s aid or a local womens support centre. They can help you to leave in a planned and safe way but without him knowing what you’re doing. Hope you find the support that you need now that you’ve made the decision to leave.

[kim32]

Thanks for your reply, he’s generally only like that when he’s on drugs without drugs he’s totally different such a shame

The home is mine and my children’s I wouldn’t want to cause them stress by moving out of their home but also can’t stand the fact when I try to end things he comes here and kicks off I’m trying to shield them from all of this that’s half the reason I give in so he just stops the rage. I think I need to get some sort of retraining order on him so we can live in peace . I’m just at my wits end and lost on what to do! I didn’t sign up for this and nor did my children..so hard isn’t it !!! . I’m all up for helping him but he’s not helping himself!

Thanks again for chatting does help

[kim32]

Thanks for your reply, he’s generally only like that when he’s on drugs without drugs he’s totally different such a shame

The home is mine and my children’s I wouldn’t want to cause them stress by moving out of their home but also can’t stand the fact when I try to end things he comes here and kicks off I’m trying to shield them from all of this that’s half the reason I give in so he just stops the rage. I think I need to get some sort of retraining order on him so we can live in peace . I’m just at my wits end and lost on what to do! I didn’t sign up for this and nor did my children..so hard isn’t it !!! . I’m all up for helping him but he’s not helping himself!

Thanks again for chatting does help

[margirl48]

Hi Kim 32

My situation is similar to yours my ex boyfriend is a daily drug user. I was also unaware of his addictions drink, weed coke. The coke is the worst he spends all his money on it but works and is functioning. I also wasn’t aware of his past. He became bankrupt and lost his family too and owes money to dealers.

I’m ashamed of giving him so many chances and can’t speak to my family as I’m so ashamed of letting myself fall in love with this man. I have a teenage daughter who’s struggling with lockdown and has also been affected by the hurt in this relationship. He’s broken dates promises to her and I feel ashamed I’ve exposed her to this toxic addict.. I finished with him AGAIN but he keeps texting and pulling me back!!

I feel torn as I love him but just know I deserve better as does my daughter. Reading the threads have helped me as although we don’t live together I’ve learned how bad it can get!!! I don’t want to give up my home relationship with my daughter and family to someone who doesn’t give back the love and support I give to him. I know we have to be strong and now think of ourselves and kids but it’s sooo hard when you love someone and have no support

[cally1001]

Hi Everyone I haven’t been on the site for nearly 2 years but got a notification via email so thought I would reply and let you all know the outcome.

It’s not pretty I am afraid!! My advice is run and run away as fast as you can and do not look back.

I am living proof that no matter what you do they will not change or stop it’s impossible (Maybe a few stories you may hear of people recovering but very few!)

I have just come out in the other side after 2 years, my story got so much worse and the things I found out he had done etc I won’t go into them as I know how your feeling now and it won’t help. I am divorced now aswell.

There was nothing absolutely nothing I could have done, I may as well have smashed my head into a brick wall and got better sense.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome, that’s the world your living in now, sorry to be blunt.

They will always see you as the problem so it really doesn’t matter what you do so my advice and really take what I am saying is run, save so much pain and headache and look after yourself and your families.

I lost 4 stone, nearly lost my mind, blamed myself, I have lived a total living hell. Please don’t do the same.

I have realised that I was as addicted to him as he was to drugs and I was so codependent.

I can honestly say my life is so much better now, I left a great career and bought a little cafe, I am single but learning to love me and be on my own as I am not ready to be with anyone. That’s another piece of advice don’t rush into any relationships if you do leave, whatever hurt your feeling you will take to the next.

I really wish you all well and it breaks my heart to hear your stories.

By the way my ex is “apparently” clean now living with a woman who has funded a new business???? things don’t change they just move to another person. I wish you all the luck in the world.xx

[margirl48]

Hey cally1001

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to me.

I realise my ex has an addictive personality and doesn’t accept his problem but rather sees it as a phase!!! I’m also codependent and realise this is just not healthy for either of us. It’s such a difficult situation when you love someone and excuse the behaviour because of the drugs thinking it’s not really them and hope they will eventually see the ‘light’. I can’t see this happening anytime soon so just want to save myself any more hurt.

One year has been enough.!!!!

Your reply is an inspiration to me and truly admire your strength in moving forward. Thankyou so much again fr sharing

[cristina]

Hi everyone, I’m in very similar situation

I meet my partner 3 years ago we had the best time of our life’s making plans together to build a family and be happy forever

After a while I found out I was pregnant we both very happy to have a baby

The baby come and things changed , he was always looking himself in the garage saying that he was playing guitar and he doesn’t want to be disturbed …. but ofc I was to find out later that he was actually hiding cos he was taking cocaine … I start to feel unloved and he was only nice to me when he need me to do something for him and he get to the point where he hit me I was feeling so hurt he was unrecognisable telling that I destroyed his life and always running away and hiding

I took my little girl and I moved out thinking that maybe this will make him realise that he is losing his family for drugs … which it did work but not for long

He text me saying that he wants his family back and that all this is killing him .

I quick run back to him thinking that he really meant … then he asked me for help cos he can’t do it on his own

I was looking for places to get him cured and I found a place but when the time to go there and start his therapy came he said that all I am doing is control his life and trying to involve social services to take the kids away from him ( never my intention )

Anyway he doesn’t even call or text to ask about his daughter he totally refuse to help or paying anything for her … so that was just an excuse cos he is not bother about his kids .

I’m scared of what’s gonna happen next never wanted to lose him I love him very much but I can’t see him destroying himself and our family

I wish he will cure himself one day but like I seen in one the comments he will probably build all of our plans with someone else which it hurts me so bad

I wish I could’ve help him and do more but I can’t I just don’t know how

If anyone knows how to help and let me understand if he will ever change I would do anything

Thanks Cristina

[lily2424]

Hey hun I am too in a very similar situation my husband use to be into gym and use to work hard. He claims a family member got him to use heroin because he needed someone to smoke with. It’s ruined my life and his. It’s made feel alone I just want to cry every day. I have an autistic son to think about not his habit. His been dealing with it on and off for nearly 5 years. His on prescribed methadone but ends up missing doses then needs money of me to score it’s getting ridiculously expensive and unaffordable. It’s ripping me apart. His in a such state sometimes that it’s physically out of my hands wish he could go to rehab we just cannot afford it. It’s an evil drug and who ever made it available to use I wish them hell. Till this day I am battling it with him I pray to god it all goes away but I can’t seem to see any light from it yet.

[ninzforever]

I’m in a similar situation hun, and the sad thing is your the one feeling selfish for thinking about your feelings , and we are told how it’s our fault we treat them like a child or don’t clean the house or we don’t listen and understand then blamed for not helping them then blamed when we do we are loved one minute and hated the next, they want to come home today then leave tomorrow, they want us to listen to them but not to us we spend hours awake at night going over what happened that day and try and figure out what to change so we find our self falling in there trap

Example (we don’t clean up so we make sure we do ,we don’t cook so we make sure we do ,we don’t run a bath so we make sure we do .but no matter what we do to help there’s another problem one day it gets to the point we feel so worthless and low that we end up feeling guilty for feeling this way but that’s what it does to you I’m at a crossroad and I’m scared to let go and scared to stay x

[Lizzie52]

I have sat here reading this forum for the last half an hour and can relate to so many of the stories. I have been with my husband for nearly 4 years, married for just over one (second marriages for both of us). There have been a few times that I have discovered that he has had cocaine packages – more by him not hiding them well enough. He has been so remorseful each time. The second last time was a week after we married as it fell out of his pyjama pocket that I was tidying up. Again extremely remorseful. He promised me that he wouldn’t take it again but recently I became suspicious again as he was sleeping a lot through the weekend in the daytimes and staying up late and also being very condescending to me and blaming me for things and generally being in a bad mood so unlike the person I first met. I found it again but this time he shouted at me and making me feel guilty. Everything was a bit of a blur and once again he said he would stop and that he had been taking it again for 4 months. I actually don’t believe he ever stopped taking it ever since we met. I bought some cocaine test strips and have tested his wee in the loo without his knowledge as he doesn’t flush in the night to avoid waking me. I started testing before Christmas and the last one was today and every single one has tested positive. I haven’t confronted him and really don’t know what to do from now. Its tearing me apart and fills every waking hour of my life at the moment. He stays in London 2 nights a week for work and when I speak to him he is loving and caring but I know that he is still taking it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. As with most of us on here I am in love with my husband but don’t know how long I can continue to live this life as it’s tearing me apart x

[mrsnealis]

Oh ladies 🙁 I am going through the exact same thing I’ve been married 5 years and together since we were both 18 years old 3 children together and 13 years I found cocaine in his pocket 2 years ago after I was convinced he was doing it he swore down time and time again he wasnt … well I walked into the bathroom last night and found him with a rolled up bit of cigarette cardboard and cocaine on his facial hair and remnants on the toilet lid 🙁 my heart is breaking all he keeps doing is blaming me I’m no saint but I dont take drugs yes ive called him names and told him I deserve better than this but I’m still the baddy I have no family members that will help me and his grandmother and mother dont actually believe me so they’ll see for themselves in time when it all comes out x

[unfortunatemother-1]

Hi everyone,

I have been married to my partner from the past two years, we have 9 months old baby, I came to visit my parents for couple of days, by mistake I left my son’s baby monitor camera on, my partner was at home (told me he is at work), I was checking my phone and by chance clicked on the app. I am shocked to discovered that my husband was taking cocaine and alcohol in a very large amount. We have a very beautiful family life, he always acted very good towards me and my son, he has a very good job, he made me quit my job, so I can look after the baby and the family’s life.

Sitting here and thinking about all those clues in the house related to his drugs addiction making me sick and very upset. Since I saw him taking drugs, I can’t sleep or eat and I am very stressed. My dream of this ideal life will were building together is shutter in million pieces. All I am thinking how long more when he will start doing this in-front of us, I mean how long more he will hide it from us and how I will react when I go back to home and see those clues, which makes sense not.

He gave me money and bring lots of food but every-time, I laughed he made me upset with his comments and he has no sympathy with me, all this time I thought it is his nature and that’s his mood but now it makes sense.

We recently bought a house on his name, he didn’t put my name in the mortgage, because I have a house on my name, which was given to me by my parents as a gift, according to him, if he put my name in his house then he will get a high interest rate mortgage and will consider a second time buyer, but he has no savings so he asked me for the deposit money and stupid me dreaming about family life etc gave him all my savings and he asked me to sign a gift letter so bank can give him a mortgage. Long story short, I gave him all my money without telling anyone and signed a letter that this is a gift and I have nothing to do with the house. So basically I am totally relay on him financially as I have zero savings.

I don’t know what should I do, shall I tell him that I saw him or keep it to myself. My son is only 9 months old and my husband is a great father. After seeing things on the camera, will I be able to leave my baby alone with him? I mean I can’t trust him anymore, all this time I thought he is giving money to his family that’s why more than a half of his salary is missing every month. They way he was taking the drugs doesn’t seems like he has recently started this, he seems proper addicted. Seeing him through the camera using pornography website and gambling sites makes me worried what if he do something to me or my son, while we are sleeping or when my son is alone with him. I have millions of questions and someone please advise me, shall I act normally when I go back home or tell him.

Thank you

[georgia26]

Hello,

Oh I feel for you as I know this pain, when you just find out your whole life gets turned upside down. He’s clearly got a bad problem – hence the wages going missing. I won’t lie to you it doesn’t get any easier in fact it’s going to be a bumpy road but it doesn’t mean it’s the end of your life with him.

You are going to have to confront him, but be prepared when you’re an addict in active addiction they can be absolutely awful towards you. He will most likely deny it, or say it was a one off, they are great at manipulating and making you think you are crazy but believe me… you are not.

There’s no easy answer, until he wants to admit it all to you and says he needs help there’s nothing you can do as he will just lie and this will continue. I’ve had this for the past 5 years now and have a 2 year old son, my partner has relapsed again and he’s been gone binging on cocaine for the past 10 days. Leaving me with my son, the sad thing is I’m kind of used to it now, but I remember the feeling when I first found out, horrendous ….

I do think you could leave your son with him, He’s probably been doing this for years without you even realising.

I would also buy the strip cocaine drug tests from eBay – so he can’t lie to you, make him do one they’re instant.

In regards to your house situation you have no legal right as you gifted him the deposit – but at least you’ve got another property if you needed to leave.

The thing with addiction I think until they hit rock bottom and about to lose everything they have no reason to stop… mines about to lose his family and he couldn’t really care less, cocaine makes them selfish, arrogant, manipulative and narcissistic! My boyfriend is totally different when he’s using I have to totally cut him off until he’s not using, as addicts don’t see logic when they’re using.

The fact he’s using porn and gambling as well this all goes hand in hand! I would tell him you know eveyrhing but please do not shout as it won’t work it’ll do the opposite he’ll probably just leave and continue to use. Speak to him with some empathy honestly I’ve learnt the hard way – I know it’s hard but be calm and explain you know he’s taking drugs and now you have the proof.

Let us all know how it goes, this group really helps me. It will get easier but you need to learn to detach yourself from this it’s early days but you will. I have, it will be ok but he’s going to have to want help (rehab/CA MEETINGS/addiction counselling) or he’ll never ever change.

Believe me in regards to the mood thing – they have no empathy what so ever when they’re using cocaine, it makes them emotionless and selfish.

I wish I had better advice for you. Xxx

[jamesb]

Great advice Georgia x

[unfortunatemother-1]

Thank you Georgia, can I ask you all shall I go home or stay with my parents, after seeing him taking drugs suddenly I feel very insecure. In the past couple of months, sometimes When I woke up in the middle of the night, he was either watching my son in his crib or standing next to me. Everytime I asked what are you doing he changed the topic.

I video call him couples of times in past two days, when he was taking drugs( While watching him through baby’s monitor camera), once he finished what he was doing, he call me back and he acted very normal, showing his love for us and how much he miss us etc.,

I even asked him why his nose is leaking, he said he has flu symptoms.

I told my parents and they are more worried about our safety.

To be honest the past couple of days feels like years, and my brain is still refusing to accept the reality

. My parents said I should not mention to him that I saw him doing drugs, and continues act normally, in case he do something with me or my son.They are worried that if I decide to leave him, how we will pay the bills, as currently both of us are relays on him financially and I gave all my savings to him.

We are moving in September from Dublin to Manchester( near my parents house ) as he is starting new job in Manchester. Shall I pretend( which will be really hard now after seeing him) until then or not to go back to Dublin at all?

Ladies please guide me what should I do?

[georgia26]

Hi!

I don’t think really you need to panic about your safety as such, drug addicts aren’t bad people, if he’s been normal for years chances are he’s been using the whole time so I don’t think he’ll all of a sudden become aggressive. People use usually because they’re self medicating – I’ve never met an addict who isn’t using for a reason.

I think you should continue to watch him and see how much he’s doing it and wait until next month when you move so then if he does become horrible you can go back to your parents.

My boyfriend is an addict but he’d never lay a finger on me / my child… I just think he will lie / manipulate, say you’re crazy, say that it was just the once etc.

Could you work through it with him and if he accepts help will you stick by him? You have to be ready for relapses though – as it’ll happen.

Always here for advice! X

[unfortunatemother-1]

Hi everyone,

I have been married to my partner from the past two years, we have 9 months old baby, I came to visit my parents for couple of days, by mistake I left my son’s baby monitor camera on, my partner was at home (told me he is at work), I was checking my phone and by chance clicked on the app. I am shocked to discovered that my husband was taking cocaine in a very large amount. We have a very beautiful family life, he always acted very good towards me, he has a very good job, he made me quit my job so I can look after the baby. Sitting here and thinking about all those clues in the house related to his drugs addiction making me sick and very upset. Since I saw him taking drugs, I can’t sleep or eat and I am very stressed my brain. My dream life is shutter in million pieces. All I am thinking how long more when he will start doing this in-front of my son, I mean how long more he will hide it from us and how I will react when I see those clues. He gave me money and bring lots of food but every-time, I laughed he made me upset with his comments and he has no sympathy with me, all this time I thought it is his nature but now it makes sense. We recently bought a house on his name, he didn’t put my name in the mortgage, because I have a house on my name, which was given to me by my parents, and if he put my name in his house then he will get a high interest rate mortgage, but he has no savings so he asked me for the deposit money and stupid me dreaming about family life etc gave him all my savings and he asked me to sign a gift letter so bank can give him a mortgage.Long story short, I gave him all my money without telling anyone and sign a letter that this is a gift

[mammyessex]

So everyone probs knows my story anyhow got the truth he’s been living and cheating with another coke head the whole time since he left I’m

Broken , she is absolutely vile think smack rat , I’m never coming back from this ????

[georgia26]

Oh I’m so sorry he will soon realise when reality hits him what he’s lost. You have to move on with you life now as hard as it is, let him realise as soon enough he will.

[mammyessex]

Thanks love xxx

[mammyessex]

My opinion is run honest it gets worse for ten months I’ve put myself through hell

[mammyessex]

My opinion is run honest it gets worse for ten months I’ve put myself through hell

[Author]

Posts