[bbb123]

I am exhausted. For 3 years I have put up with my boyfriend abusing cocaine. And I don’t think I can take another day.

I feel like I am in a constant state of grief. Grieving a person I once knew. And I don’t know how to get past this.

I have stuck around, not only have I stuck around I have done everything I can possibly think of to help him.

Yet I am met with lies and deceit every time.

He has lost everything. He is almost 20 thousand in debt and his parents keep bailing him out. I told them everything years ago and instead of helping they are enabling. I just want to scream.

He owes me thousands. I have accepted I will never receive a penny back. But How someone can deceive you and take your money pleading poverty when really it’s going up there nose is beyond me.

I work 2 full time jobs whilst studying a full time university degree and struggle through every day to make a better life. How can someone who loves you just take from you without a second thought?!

He has stolen £700 from me and denied it. It is catergorically impossible it could have been anyone else.

I have taken him to meetings, rehab, doctor after doctor, I even took him on a month long holiday which hooray he was clean and life was amazing. Until the day we got back.

I am constantly accused of cheating, speaking to other people, I have been tracked, stalked and followed.

With the mental torture we endure living with their addiction I do wander when I have the time to do anything of the sort?!

I have moved out. And I am made to feel

Guilty every day. By him and his entire family, who feel it is my responsibility to be there for him to make sure he ‘doesn’t do anything stupid’.

He has crashed multiple cars whilst on this drug. He stole the hire car I had to use once and drove around doing cocaine in it all night.

He has smashed up our home countless times. I find empty bags EVERYWHERE – in the toaster, dish washer, behind photo frames, pillow cases, anywhere you could think of, I’ve found drugs there. And beer cans. Vodka bottles. And whatever other alcohol he’s got his hands on to ‘help him sleep’ once he’s binged on coke for days.

I sat up for nights on end crying, worrying, searching for him when he dissapeared.

The stress gave me shingles. I am 27 years old and broke out in shingles and hives over my entire face.

I love him. I have done everything I can. But his health can’t be a priority over mine any longer.

I am cutting contact. I feel horrendously guilty. I have known this man my entire life, this is not the person I knew. I feel like I am leaving the person I met, but in reality it’s the stranger he has become.

Reading this has made me realise I am not alone. I do not live in this world of pain alone.

I just wander if this will ever get any better? Will I ever move past this? Will I ever stop living in constant fear of getting a phone call that hes dead?!

I can’t save him, and I don’t know how I can live with that. I don’t know how to live a life that no longer revolves entirely around him.

Friends and family don’t understand, there sick to death of him and the situation and can’t understand why it’s so hard for me to leave.

I’m sorry for rambling on. I feel like I’ve kept this all in for so long. I’ve tried going to family of addicts meetings, however with my work schedule it is impossible to attend.

I just want my life back.

[dot]

With what you describe cutting contact might be best. I’ve just had pretty much his done to me and it has woke me up. But I dont want to influence your decision as he seriously sounds like he needs help. Wish my wife would of given me the support you have given him. I’m only 16 days clean but I have a long way to go and I see the devastation I have left with my family. My dad had a browse on here yesterday as I recommended it to him. I certainly feel dreadful as most of the patterns of a user are the same.

I read posts and think I can relate to that and that and that.

He will not quit till hes ready and hits home once you have gone that you are serious. With me I’m too late as I’ve lost it all but now im not thinking about what I’ve lost now more about what ive got to look forward too living a clean life.

If you need anything from the eyes of a user drop me a message and goodluck

Now I’m trying to get another family member to do what I’m doing as in going clean and hes wreaking destruction in his own life aswell

If you do this you have to stick to your guns. Use support groups etc as it will be hard and he will try emotionally convince you that hes changed.

[bbb123]

Hi Dot,

Your completely right. I feel it’s now the only way forward, for both of us. I don’t feel like he will get help when I am around. I have left many times before, however this time I think he knows it’s the last straw.

I’m still met with the constant phone calls and messages of ‘I will change’. But after 3 years I no longer believe a word.

I am so sorry your going through this.

I am aware and have researched so much how much these drugs can get a hold of you and take over your life. I know it’s not a choice.

But well done you for getting 16 days clean. The pain you have caused your family, use it. See what have you done and strive to never put them through a day more of it.

A huge step is coming on here, seeing the destruction it can cause and talking about it!

Thankyou for response.

I really hope you keep moving in the right direction!

[ash2013]

Hi bbb,

I resonated with your story, not the money as my husband always had enough of his own money, but the lies, the deciet, the accusations because they’re paranoid.

One thing, you are your own person, you are not his carer, you are not responsible for his actions. It sounds like you have given him plenty of chances. You deserve a life and to be happy, get out while you can. If you had children with him you will be even less able to leave, you will feel like if he spirals it’s your fault, you dont want to leave your kids without a father. Realistically this is not your problem to deal with.

My friends dont understand and they’re bored of hearing it over and over again, and to be honest I don’t blame them, I never took advice because I thought they didn’t get it, but they did, I didnt.

Unless he wants to change he wont for you, or for anyone else. Not even a child (as I know)

There is a book by Amanda Andruzzi called Hope Street, she is in our boat. I read it when my husband was using Coke, and its all about being co-dependent. Please get it and read it, it will help you realise you arent alone.

Sending love

[bbb123]

Hi Ash,

I’m so sorry to hear you have had to feel even the slightest bit the same as me.

The ‘you are not his carer’ – is something I really needed to hear. I feel I have taken on the role of care taker and looking after him like a child!

Thankfully no children together, I cannot imagine if there had been.

Last year I lost a baby. And it almost killed me.

What did he do? Left me, alone. To deal with that whilst he didn’t come home for two days and just took cocaine.

I think that moment is when I snapped. I can and will never forgive being left alone in that grief.

But I can’t help thinking it was for a reason, because a child with him would be a lifetime connection to a world of cocaine.

I’ve finally realised I can’t save him. And my life is worth more than what I am allowing myself.

I just want to see that glimmer of light at the end of tunnel. To be left alone and respected in my decision.

I am looking for the book as we speak.

Coming on here has made me realise how many people have suffered as a loved one of an addict. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Thank you for your kind reply.

Lots of love x

[ash2013]

Hi bbb,

I feel so sad listening to the story of your baby loss, its a hugely emotional time, and you need one another, yet the choice to use coke was stronger. Its unforgiveable.

2 years ago my husband was so convinced (for a year!) that I had had an affair that it twisted him into knots, he was using heavily, getting more paranoid, constantly asking me, trying to trip me up – you can’t trip up an innocent person. In fact his passive aggression and bullying words had turned me into a nervous wreck, I was so scared of an episode that my heart would race, my throat would dry up, I would shake – he saw this as guilt, but it was in fact fear. It got so bad I ended up taking an overdose because I couldnt see a way out of this mess, it was a cry for a break, I was aware enough not to take too many (but still potentially enough to do some damage it turned out) I ended up in an ambulance that he called, he said all the right things when the paramedics arrived, yet 15 mins before he’d been doing a line in front of me. I went to hospital overnight, he wouldnt even come to pick me up, I had to get a taxi home in the morning. He blamed me for doing it, said it was a stupid stunt, he had zero empathy and really didnt care.

I tell you this story because, my husband now would NOT be anything like this, it literally is like living with Jekyll and Hyde. I hate how the drug changes people, its a mind altering substance, and from what I can see, has no positives!!

Without a child, please move on with your life and be happy. Your happiness is important.

Thank you for your kind reply too x

[Author]

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