[hw12]

Hi everyone,

I first wrote on here over 6 months ago and I don’t think I could have got through that time without the support I received from people on here that understood. My fiance had been hiding a cocaine addiction £100 and day and I ended up making him leave my home, we tried everything.

He got a flat just up the road from me, we remained in contact he had regular drugs tests, drug counselor, couple’s counselling with the end goal possibly sorting this mess out.

He had supposedly been clean all this time, few weeks ago I was helping him clean his flat and found evidence of drug use. He admitted he relapsed, and it was done with and he wished he never did it. I was glad he was truthful.

Anyway, past month we have had nothing but arguments. Alot of behavior what I saw in him before, jealousy, paranoia, blaming me for things, talking about my parenting and pulling me down. He’s done nothing but sleep, had his face in his Xmas dinner, missed new years Eve because he wouldn’t wake up. I knew better than to ignore my instincts again. I tested him, came back negative and I was shocked.

Went round to see him yesterday and he was laid in flat in darkness, mess everywhere, blood all over his fingers from gouging at his face. Wouldn’t wake up.

There was powder residue on the side. He shouted at me to get out and go away and I haven’t heard anything since.

I guess what I need help with is how do I go forward, I know this isnt how I want to spend the rest of my life. He stopped the counselor and refused to pay him, he’s obviously getting someone else’s urine for tests. Do I just cut him out of my life? Iv done everything to try, everything.

[retroheadz]

Hi, it’s really upsetting reading your story and I’m sure you feel the same reading other desperate stories on this site. Your situation is so familiar to many others and the reality is that your one and only option available to you is to continue providing chances and support or walk away. It’s easy to pick either one of them options but you will never fix him and you will never begin to maintain a normal life until you make that choice. Yes! He needs to make that decision not you and the sad thing is the drug has such a strong grip it’s hard to break away. He never will do it and few do manage to do it, it’s a fact, unless he is locked up. You can’t help him but you can detach yourself from him to save your own short life. I’m sure you still love him but I’m sure you love your life. I hope you make it ????

[hw12]

Thank you so much for replying. I have read so many sad stories, and I can relate to everyone of them. I know what you are saying is right, I have 2 choices. I feel like offering the support and staying involved in it all is just setting myself up for hurt and dissapointment and lies. Then walking away upsets me because i know then I have completely give up, when we met I was the happiest in my life, plans to marry, my kids love him. And I feel like I have been holding onto the idea of things being back that way. But they won’t. It just feels like a dream now. I love him but hate him for everything he’s done to our relationship. It’s so difficult to deal with mentally.

[retroheadz]

Yep, mentally is the word! For him and for you. I suppose his mental health has altered to a point that you can’t really help I guess and when someone has been so affected by an addiction that it makes decisions for them then it’s time to make that hard call. I’m sure by the sounds of it you want that better life without that pain! I know it’s a hard decision but it will be one that you have to make eventually and as the years fly you will be more and more affected and eventually you will break. It’s easy for someone to advise if your not in that situation but one day you will be happy but not in a 3 way relationship with drugs being the 3rd. Addiction is a horrible condition and it’s sad but when you experience it you very rarely forget it, it’s the most important thing in his life and that’s why he needs you as a friend from a distance. I do hope you manage to live a free life as you sound like such a caring person. Take care and try to enjoy what little life we have left

[davidk]

Hi,

just read your story, sounds very similar to my own,

and I am at a similar stage as you,

sounds like you maybe got a bit further with progress if he was allowing tests and seeing a counselor , although that has all reverted back by the sounds of it.

No good advice for you I’m afraid, just wanted to say I feel your pain,

and totally understand that desire to get the “dream” life back and holding onto the person they were, but the addict destroys the dream sadly.

How long were you with him?

[hw12]

Hi thank you for your words, discussing things with people that understand has been such a relief to me at difficult times.

I think for me that’s the thing i can’t let go of the hope that maybe the man I fell In love with returns. But it could never ever be how it was, the trust has completely gone for me and respect. I worshipped the ground he walked on. I knew him for years as friends but we were together only 2 years it was an absolute whirlwind, I had just come out of a 10 year relationship (I’m only 33) and he came into my life and helped my put myself back together. He was my rock.

We got engaged and planned to get married this year. Seems like another life now.

I hope you find the strength to deal with this too, its soul destroying. Are you still with your partner?

[davidk]

Hi, we are all here for each other,

that’s the great thing about this site, most people are in the same boat and have gone through a pretty standard set of emotions, we all move along so some people are further along than others,

but I think we are at a similar period, both clinging to the hope that the person we fell in love with is still in there and will come back to us.

we are also a similar age, I am 34, so perhaps where we are in life has something to do with it too, like we haven’t had all our hopes ruined yet, whereas someone older and more experienced might be more realistic against our battle.

currently me and my partner are apart, I couldn’t remain with her watching what was happening in the house, she likes to have control so is acting like we are over because she wants us to be, which perhaps we are as I no longer have the strength to repair what she has broken and she is in total denial that things need fixing or that she has a problem so its a kind of stalemate

it breaks my heart to think of a future without her and also how terrible she may make her own future, but I have kind of accepted now that no matter what I do I cannot fight her drug problem for her.

[hw12]

Morning, I read all your story last night. You seem like such a decent person that only wanted what was best. It so sad that some people can’t find their way. My ex partner, had periods of being ok, but it never stopped me wondering when the next time may be, or what mood will come the day after. He used to spend days in bed, either on a come down or sleeping now life away so he didn’t have to get up and face it all.

When I think back I was already alone. And constantly down and upset and angry inside. He used to say things about my parenting, that I do too much for my children and that my son had put weight one (he 10 and got a totally normal BMI) no big for his age at all. He has such a terrible relationship with 2 of his own children and has one child he has nothing to do with despite my encouragement. You sound like you have done everything you can to want a better life for your ex partners kids.

[davidk]

thanks for taking the time to read my story, it must have taken ages ha, I just couldn’t keep it short as I will spilling out 7 years of bottling up,

to be honest I feel like I could write a book of mammoth proportions about it all, just the endless wrongs that addiction causes the person and the people around them.

As terrible as I feel about how things have now become I do in my own heart know that I tried my best for her and the kids.

so whilst I will feel saddened by things I will not feel guilty that I didn’t do enough,

as I don’t think I could have done more.

so what is happening with your partner now since you started this post, you had found him in his flat with stuff and left, has there been any contact between you since?

have you decided what you intend to do?

[hw12]

I feel exactly the same I could say so much about the things that have happened.

I know deep down I have given him all the support I can to try and stop his addiction, iv listened and said nothing when the things I was hearing was breaking my heart. Couples counselling didn’t work because he felt like the counselor was taking my side. He can’t see what he’s been like.

I called to see him last weekend, my children was there. He opened the door and he was laid in complete darkness, it was a tip and he looked in an awful state. Thats when I saw the powder on the side, he shouted at me to get out. I left and I knew then I can’t do all this again.

I deserve better and my kids certainly do.

He text me this afternoon saying he is sorry and he’s let me down again and he’s hasn’t been taking it but dealing it! Like I’m supposed to be pleased about that?!

Sorry for rambling, can’t type quick enough????

[davidk]

you aren’t rambling at all,

I’m king of rambling.

oh so after ignoring him he has now contacted you then,

and him dealing it too will never help as it means he will always be around it,

does he ever actually make any money or does it just help reduce his personal debt.

[hw12]

Well up until him saying that last night I didn’t know he had started dealing it.

Just really upset me because he cut all ties with his “contacts” and obviously now hes back in that social circle. He’s got a very very good job and gets paid well, he just never gets up for work!

[davidk]

sounds lucky to keep the good job then

do they have no idea what he is doing.

I think I confused the dealing part with another story I read at the same time as yours, as I was thinking he had been dealing for a while.

but of course dealing and using are both bad news and I don’t think people with a coke problem need much temptation and dealing it would certainly be far to much temptation for them to avoid giving in.

similar to how they might stay of it for a while if they aren’t around certain people but then if they see those people it won’t take be long before they do it again.

hence how my girlfriends daughter bringing weed into the house has brought it back into play when I don’t really think my girlfriend would have started smoking it again right now if that hadn’t happened, she would have no doubt wanted coke still, but if something else is there then that seems to be used to just to try and make them forget reality for a bit.

[hw12]

Hi hope your well, I think that’s exactly it, ignoring reality. My ex partner was taking £100 a day of cocaine at one point, because I don’t think he could face life without it. And now he just doesn’t bother getting up at all.

He works for himself so as you can imagine he doesn’t get much done. He’s lost endless amount of jobs in the past and always letting people down.

The drugs will always be around and available but he didn’t have to welcome them into his flat and back into his life again, after everything that’s been destroyed because of them. Think thats what’s annoyed me.

He’s doing this. Not the drugs, he’s putting himself back in that vulnerable situation instead of getting up and going to work.

How are you feeling about things?

As much as it hurts, I think we will thank ourselves in the future for breaking away from all of this.

Take care

[hw12]

Hi hope your well, I think that’s exactly it, ignoring reality. My ex partner was taking £100 a day of cocaine at one point, because I don’t think he could face life without it. And now he just doesn’t bother getting up at all.

He works for himself so as you can imagine he doesn’t get much done. He’s lost endless amount of jobs in the past and always letting people down.

The drugs will always be around and available but he didn’t have to welcome them into his flat and back into his life again, after everything that’s been destroyed because of them. Think thats what’s annoyed me.

He’s doing this. Not the drugs, he’s putting himself back in that vulnerable situation instead of getting up and going to work.

How are you feeling about things?

As much as it hurts, I think we will thank ourselves in the future for breaking away from all of this.

Take care

[davidk]

I’ve had a quiet few days and been busy at work and stuff so felt a bit more a peace in my head as its helped distract me.

you described how i feel well

like how they have actively done things to bring drugs back around them which will obviously only lead to more drugs.

it is hard to separate the person from the addict, as it always feels like they must have made some choice in it,

so have you decided things are definitely over with your partner, as I see you refer to him as your ex, whereas I think in the back of my mind I still hope she will fix this and we aren’t over forever.

[hw12]

I find it hard calling him ex to be honest, I never imagined it would ever come to this. And deep down I wish everything could just be ok. But I really don’t see how it can, so much has happened. The trust especially, he’s told so many lies even when he hasn’t been using. Said so many hurtful things, I do love him but I feel so resentful and angry.

I really hope that your partner sees sense, she is lucky to have someone like you who only wants the best for her and the children.

[hw12]

I find it hard calling him ex to be honest, I never imagined it would ever come to this. And deep down I wish everything could just be ok. But I really don’t see how it can, so much has happened. The trust especially, he’s told so many lies even when he hasn’t been using. Said so many hurtful things, I do love him but I feel so resentful and angry.

I really hope that your partner sees sense, she is lucky to have someone like you who only wants the best for her and the children.

[davidk]

sounds like you are being more realistic than me,

at least you are committing to the idea that he is the ex.

whereas I am foolishly still hoping that the good person she is inside there somewhere will come back and realise what a mess she is making and want to sort things out.

although that said, I don’t ever expect things to go back to what they were, so I haven’t gone completely mad.

what’s the latest with you, is he accepting it and leaving you alone?

[hw12]

Hi hope you are well, thought I would check in and see how you are getting on?

I completely understand so much about you hoping the good person is still in there somewhere, I found and I am still finding that so hards to give up on.

I find myself thinking alot about the good times and the nice things but I have to remind myself that things haven’t been like that for a long time and sometimes holding on is alot harder than letting go.

I feel like I have been stuck on this constant merry go round waiting for that good person and these good times to return but they haven’t. We have had the odd good days but it’s always one step forward then two steps back.

He contacted me recently by text to make a point he was going to work like it’s some huge achievement which it may be to him, but to me it worked every Monday to Friday throughout all the lockdowns and my children are in school while he lays in bed all day, I really didn’t feel like giving him a pat on the back. Just feel resentful. Saying he loves me and misses me, but for how long before the next problem. Always something with an addict and a recovering one. Think I’m ready for a happy quiet life with my kids.

[davidk]

Hi,

thanks for the catch up,

things have been quiet here, so no progress in any way,

I have been keeping busy though so I’m not driving myself as mad as I was a few weeks ago, although still don’t think I’m quite at your stage of acceptance just yet.

I totally feel everything you said though,

to leave them we are finally stepping off of the roller coaster, at last!

and totally know what you mean with feeling annoyed that he is acting like he needs congratulating for bothering to work, but that’s how their minds work, everything needs a reward.

Like nothing is done for its own sake, its always about some impression or reward to be gained from it,

its a bit similar to how people use facebook, which I imagine could fit nicely for the addict brain, the whole posting something and then needing that approval and “likes” etc from others, so nothing is real or pure it is all just about this secondary reward.

I’m glad your ex does at least sound like he wants you back because then you can leave feeling that it was your decision and that you took control,and you can retain some dignity.

as I think I wouldn’t be taking things so badly if I had outright taken that approach, and the fact that she is acting so heartless in it all is what is hurting me the most as that is the part that makes me feel like all the things I done at the end of the day amount to nothing and I am worth less than a drug.

[hw12]

I understand completely what your saying. Do you think maybe she is pushing you away so she doesn’t have to deal with it?

I think whatever the reason, I know for you it might not seem like it. But your better off out of it, right now it’s still fresh and it hurts. But if she doesn’t want that better life it’s always going to be a problem. And your always going to come second to it.

And I know how horrible that is. Normal decent people, talk through problems and worries not just walk away from it all.

Me ex has also done this before, like he always had the upper hand even though he was the addict because my love for him outweighed everything. I just wanted him to be ok and be with us.

Buy I’m finally getting past that now. I didn’t need him in mine and my kids like, I chose to have him there because he made us happy. And he hasn’t done that for a very long time.

It’s good to keep busy, I feel lucky I’m still at work during lockdown. Been cooking good healthy meals and taking some time for myself focusing on my goals. Because we get forgotten in all of this.

[davidk]

I think our experience with an addict sounds pretty similar,

yes I think she is pushing me away because she cannot face herself, and I refuse to condone what is happening by burying my head in the sand, whereas her and the kids seem willing to bury theirs.

It makes it hard for her to pretend there isn’t a problem when I’m there pointing it out.

maybe once she faces her problem she will be ready to face me, but I cannot be the one to fix this only she can, but a lot of stuff is permanently broken this time, things will never go back to what they were even if she never repeats any of the past again (which isn’t very likely as this stuff has a way of repeating)

the past few weeks have been quite a ride in terms of emotions for me,

but I do feel stronger now than I have at any other point,

to the point that you do start thinking “do I even want to go back?”

funny enough last night she did txt me just casual stuff like how are you?

but I don’t know how to take it, and rather than being over the moon that she is making contact I’m just dreading that it is building up to something worse like rather than her finally understanding why I am so hurt, she will just say things to add more to my pain.

although it was probably just the usual technique of trying to act normal and not actually address anything, in the style of ignoring a problem and hoping it will disappear, which was the normal resolve to any arguments.

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