[hw12]

Its my first time posting, after reading on here for a while. Me and my partner have been together for 2 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship who most of the time my partner is great with. We got engaged and had hopes for the future.

I knew when we first me he had dabbled in cocaine but 18 months in i didnt realise how bad his problem was.

He was in deep depression and nothing like the person i fell in love with, he had lied, accused me of all sorts, got angry with me, paranoid, and put me through hell, spent days in bed, lost job after job from not getting up, alot of the time not provided any financial support to the home. There has always been one thing after another and i have supported him. Hes now on antidepressants, and hasnt been using cocaine for a while. Although there has been an occasion i found out he had used but a while ago now.

He has done the things iv wanted him to do but i cant help feeling gull of resentment and anger towards him. Like he’s ruined what we had and now we are left with this. Him feeling better and im just a mess that’s supported him through it all. Im struggling more with it now than at the time. Can anyone relate?

[thelostone]

My boyfriend destroyed our relationship with his drug use. Once the trust is gone, it’s almost certainly never going to come back.

To feel emotions such as anger, resentment, bitterness is perfectly human. If you are not able to talk this through and make sense of it, it can get worse. I take it you are not able to talk to your partner about how you feel…? What exactly are you getting out of the relationship except for providing him the support and care he needs? Are your emotional needs being met?

[hw12]

Thank you for replying.

I feel like i am at a point where i need to talk through these emotions because i have been bottling them up and its not done me any good. Its changed me as a person.

I can speak with him, but he just thinks i need to move on from this. Which i agree, but its easier said than done.

I do love him, but things are nothing like they were and he thinks that’s because of how i am being towards him. I just feel so angry that he ruined what we had and for how i was treat. I just cant seem to get over it.

[thelostone]

”he just thinks i need to move on from this. Which i agree,” – why would you agree with him? If this is still affecting you, you are clearly not ready to move on. But like a typical addict, when they are ready for something (be it recovery, being happy, making a go of it again.. ) then you must also be ready. Whether you are or not.

I bottled up my emotions and everything I felt for two years and in the end, my mental health AND my physical health suffered. I was so ill physically I had to cut him off. That’s what it did to me. So please don’t bottle things up.

”things are nothing like they were and he thinks that’s because of how i am being towards him” – in other words, again, this is down to you. Nothing to do with his appalling behaviour or the abuse of trust or how he’s let you down and destroyed the trust in your relationship. It’s down to you and your behaviour. This is a TYPICAL addict attitude.

please visit this link and at the bottom, click chat. You can speak in live time to a trained advisor. Let me know how you get on. I am here if you want to talk also.

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/

[hw12]

Thank you very much for replying to me. I feel better just speaking out, iv kept all these feelings inside for a long time. I feel like one minute hes the man i want to spend the rest of my life with and the next i hate him for what hes done. I feel like iv helped him and now im the one that needs help because of it!

[thelostone]

do try that link, they are there today for you to chat live to.

These forums helped me save my sanity last year. Because what I learned is that an addict will make you feel you’re losing your mind. They twist and turn you up with their lies and you feel you are going crazy in the end, imagining it. But you are NOT.

There are a couple of apps that also help. Try MEND. That is good and you don’t have to opt to pay.. it just keeps tabs on your emotions and helps you with a daily check in.

Try and jot down what you feel.. why and then – here’s the hard part – what you can do to resolve it? It might help. I wrote my partner a 10 page letter, a story of our time together. It propelled him to go into rehab (although he has now lapsed). But I didn’t write it for him. I write it for me. Try that also? Writing it down on paper helps to clarify things you can’t verbalise.

Here if you need help. x

[hw12]

Thanks. I have wrote letters before, because when he was in deep depression h wouldnt get out of bed and i used to write things down to let out some frustration because i dont have anyone to talk to. Its funny because 2 years ago before we met i have a handful of very good friends and was close with my 2 sister and now i dont have anyone. My family dont like him they dont think hes any good for me and cant understand why im putting myself through it all .

And you were right in what you said about feeling like your losing your mind, the reason i came looking on here in the first place is because i feel like it is me thats slowly going mad. I feel its changed me as a person, im angry and suspicious over everything he does.

[thelostone]

Trust me, it’s NOT you.

You will have changed as a result of this but you can make this a positive experience and learn from it. You will go through a lot of things.. acceptance being one of them .. and the anger should subside .. but you don’t sound like you are in a loving supportive relationship. You will almost certainly never get what you need from this man. As I have learned. Which breaks the heart. Because you love them. You want things to be as they were. You want to see the best in them. You tell yourself how much they love you really.

You clearly have no trust there. Same as me. You need to start putting up some boundaries to protect yourself. What do you think might help? Do you live together? Is this a relationship you feel you can walk away from.. are you ready to?

[hw12]

Everything you are saying to me are things i could have said myself. I think the biggest thing for me is that im so angry at him for ruining what we had and we cant get that back. We were supposed to be getting married, he said when he got his tax back we were going to book our wedding. He got it back and recently told me he has paid some of a £5000 drug debt with it. Its just one thing after another. Then on the other hand he can be an amazing step dad to my 2 kids. He is the only person who has made me feel the most love but also the most hurt.

He moved into my home a year ago, but i dont rely on him financially. I could never put myself i that position with him he cant be trusted with his money. Hes got a good job when he actually goes, but never has money. He contributes once in a blue moon. I honestly dont know how i feel anymore. I cant imagine where the relationship can go, i wouldnt want a lifetime of this or to buy a house together.

[thelostone]

if you will allow me to give you some practical advice…

he has a good job, but never any money. He contributes once in a blue moon (which sounds to me like he is getting an almost free ride with you). Are you 100% sure he is not still using? Do you really have enough trust that you can say that. I ask you this because you – like I – will lie to yourself and try to convince yourself all is ok. It was only when my every instinct was screaming at me that I faced what I knew – my partner had lapsed and was using.

If there is ANY danger he is using, make sure you keep your money/cards/valuables well away from him. Keep them with a trusted love one if you have to.

You have a lot of anger, so you need to speak to someone and find a way to resolve this. If it transpires he is still using.. how much angrier will you get? You will feel like a fool for trusting him (you’re not a fool by the way) You’re a good decent person, trying to see the best in someone that has an addiction). Ask yourself this: do you care for yourself as much as you do this man? And then ask yourself this: how much does he seem to care for you – when he dismisses your feelings, invalidates them (which ALL addicts do, rather than own their part in your unhappiness).

Being with an addict is like dragging someone from a burning building and they keep running back inside. At some point, you will get so burnt you have to walk away – to save yourself.

Is there no chance you could reconnect with your sisters? Your family? It is not something to be ashamed of, to go for help and be honest. Even if you wrote them a letter? If not, you have us on the forum.. and the link for the live chat I gave you (those guys are amazing).

I read what you wrote and honestly, you are not in a relationship that’s worth saving.. the same as I am not. I am maybe a bit further down the link, having blocked him and living on my own.. but i KNOW how difficult it is to break away.

Do you honestly think anything is going to change?

[hw12]

Thank you so much for your honesty.

I dont think he is using at the moment but i cant 100% know when he has lied before. But to be honest until I found the bags before xmas i hadnt know then whole time we had been together because i didnt know anything about drugs.

Hes never got money but nows hes saying its paying off old drug debt, not sure how thats any better tho when it could have been a holiday or a wedding.

Hes always got a runny nose but says it’s hayfever. I dont know what to believe any more.

I think im holding on to the person i fell in love with. And if hes clean now and does seem in a better state mentally i cant see him in the same light any more.

And i do feel a fool for allowing myself to put up with it all. So in a way i feel like iv allowed him to treat me in this way.

And you right about the free ride. Hes got money to pay drug debt and cocaine when he was using but doesnt consistanly put money into the home where he lives and eats.

[thelostone]

bless you. From what you’re telling me, he sounds like he is using. Paying off drug debt? There aren’t that many dealers that will let you get that heavily in debt. And from what you’ve told me, never got any money.. runny nose? It really does not sound good.

To an extent we let them treat us as we do. But you are going through your own stages of learning, and development. I knew NOTHING about drugs. Never used. Never wished to. But now.. I know the signs. The behaviour. The pattern.. I just know. And you will learn too. Have a look at this page:

https://www.drugrehab.com/addiction/drugs/cocaine/signs-of-cocaine-use/

and I have copied below something you need to see:

Cocaine is a stimulant that makes a person move faster, talk faster and think at a higher speed. This heightened state of arousal is often apparent to others.

Other signs and symptoms of cocaine use include:

Enlarged or dilated pupils

Runny nose or nosebleeds

Changes in sleeping and eating patterns

Talkativeness

Lack of inhibition

Higher confidence

Excessive enthusiasm

Decreased appetite

Mood swings

Involuntary muscle twitching (tics)

Impotence in males

Irritability

Nausea

Paranoia (unreasonable distrust of others)

Hypersensitivity to sight, sound and touch

Engaging in risky behaviors, such as unsafe sex

Perhaps do some research. Forearmed is forewarned and if you know what to look for, you can start to put up some things to protect yourself.

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/help-and-advice/

http://famanon.org.uk/

Just have a read of their sites.. but if you want more personal advice you can always ask on here. Some of us sadly have personal experience so can give you our take on things.

How are you feeling right now about things?

[hw12]

I cant thank you enough for your support and advice. Its been a relief just to speak to someone who understands, and know thats its not just me thinking these things.

I just dont know how he would be using when we are in isolation at the moment, but then again i didnt know when he was getting up off the sofa next to me and ‘fetching something from his van’ then coming back in. Which is what he did!

I dont know anything any more!

How have you managed to distance yourself from it?

The hardest part for me is not knowing whats true and whats lies.

And knowing hes done that and come back to the family home. He may well say its in the past now (we are only talking December) but for me its not in the past at all. If im being honest with myself is the first time iv said it but i dont want to settle for things like this. I feel like hes not the person i met. And hes making me into a person i dont want to be.

[thelostone]

quite honestly, everything you’re written.. that’s been me.

You drive yourself crazy – your mind goes into overdrive. What’s true, what’s a lie? You simply do not have the trust anymore.

My partner wasn’t the same man. When not on drugs, he was Mr Wonderful. When on that crap, he was abusive, rude, aggressive. Angry. He was just not even a nice person. Isn’t a nice person. And when he was like that, he bought out the worse in me. Made me angry, made me swear at him, spy on him, violate his privacy to find out the truth when I knew he was lying. I became a different person, not the loving, trusting, giving person I am. How can you be? You can’t be a loving, trusting, giving person to an addict. Because you can’t trust them and all they will do is take take take.

I live alone. So I have that space. I have (numerous times) blocked him on my phone, my email.. every platform he could use to contact me. I have ignored him when he turns up at my door. In the end he wrote cards and letters. Went into recovery for first time ever in March. Now lapsed.. I searched his phone when he refused to admit it (I knew, his behaviour was all I needed to know).. and so now I have blocked him again and refused to answer the door to him. My next stepping stone is when he posts something through my door. Which he will. An addict will never give up on a person that tolerates them, loves them, cares for them and puts up with their continuous lies and bad behaviour.

If he is only (I say only) sniffing coke, it takes very little time to ingest it. It’s not like smoking crack or H. It’s not time consuming but it will burn through money.. and affect his moods. Does any of that sound familiar?

Try and search these forums. There are a couple of people that are cocaine addicts and they have come on here to get help. You can reply to their post and ask them any questions you have related to the drug itself and drug use. No one would know better than them ..

[hw12]

I can relate to absolutely everything you are saying to me, and i know what your saying is right. Im mad at myself for not packing his bags, but then another part of me wants him to be the man i know he can be.

You said it made you angry and swear at him etc. And thats what im like, and done all of those things. I check his wallet and listen when hes on the phone.

I would have never ever done those things before. I was so kind to him and would have done anything for him, had respect for him. I wouldnt have agreed to marry him if had seen what he was like when using. He was the same as you said. Agressive, so so paranoid about what i was up to and who with, wanted explanations for everything. Then after he would like so snappy and sometimes that anxious he would pick all the skin on his face till it bled.

I know there is only me that can do something about it. I have already emotionally withdrawn from him and we havent been having a physical relationship i think thats me putting my barriers up. He just thinks the problem now is me and that i should just get over it.

[thelostone]

I would not be doing you a justice if I wasn’t brutally honest to you. I think – from what you’ve said – he is using.

Firstly, stop blaming yourself. For wanting to see the good in him, for trusting him, even for tolerating his use and staying with him.. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. You are a good, loving person – and that is NOT something to blame yourself for. Not trusting him, that is NOT your fault. He is given you reason to not trust him anymore. Two people make a relationship and when one person breaks that trust, it is THEIR fault. It is not your fault, or your problem to just get over it and rebuild it.

I think the best advice I would give you, is to start putting in place practical things to protect yourself – as he is at home with you. Because if.. IF he is using, it is only a matter of time before things will start going missing from your home, as he looked to fund an increasingly bad habit.

Don’t expect honesty from him. You won’t get it. You need to start thinking of him in these terms.. yes there was a loving caring guy.. but if he is using and has not been clean for a substantial amount of time.. then you are living with Mr Hyde.

Can you speak to him? Is he dismissive? How would he react if you asked him to take a drug test? If you openly tell him you are finding it difficult to trust him.. and want to rebuild the trust.. (a person with nothing to hide will not object as violently and vehemently as a user). If he loves you and genuinely is clean, then this should not be an issue.

My partner offered to take a test (knowing the recovery centre are not doing them right now). Approx 7 days later, after I found his drug contacts on his new phone.. he emailed me and admitted to the ‘occasional lapse.’ He looked me in the eye and lied when asked ‘are you using’? He told me he’d kicked the hard stuff and was only smoking weed. Know this.. an addict will lie and lie and lie. Never forget that.

[hw12]

As i write this to you. He had just asked to borrow £20 to go to the shop, came back with nothing.

I asked him where the money was he said in my wallet when i asked him to show me he said he was lying and spent it on scratch cards. I said where are they. He said he was lying again and gave the money to a friend and wouldnt say why and walked off.

I cant ask him till later because the kids are around and i dont want conflict in front of them. Unbelievable

[thelostone]

I really can feel your pain and heartache. I truly can.

I think in your heart you know the truth, don’t you? None of that is normal behaviour. It’s a great cover to say you’re paying back dealers… but honestly, dealers don’t usually let an addict get that much in debt because they know they will never get their money back.

I feel so sorry for you. Because you are behind me in terms on the journey you’re on. But you are certainly not alone.

I would encourage you to start putting some boundaries in place. You must think of the children and the impact this may have on them, if things deteriorate. You also have to consider your own mental health and wellbeing. I was ill for months and months at a time.. if it doesn’t manifest itself mentally it will come out physically.

Are you able to reconnect with your sisters?

[hw12]

If im honest with myself i know i cant accept this for me or my children. My kids love him but hes not setting a good example when he cant drag himself out of bed.

When i have just questioned him about that money hes just taken from me he just got defensive and said he lent it to someone. I don’t believe a word of what he says so that on its own is not a basis for a good relationship is it.

[thelostone]

no, it’s no basis for a relationship. Eventually it will lead to him taking it from you without asking.. stealing. If there is no trust there, there is no relationship.

A person with nothing to hide does not get defensive.

Children are loving and will accept most people. Is he providing for your children?

I imagine if he was asked to leave, he would struggle to pay his rent, bills, buy food and support himself. A well paid job and he never has any money. What is he spending it on? You are making it incredibly easy for him to kick back with his habit whilst you support him, feed him and now, financially support him. Darling, you deserve better than this. And the man you fell in love with would not treat you like this. But it sounds like the man you fell in love with is lost to drugs.. same as mine.

[hw12]

Hes a plumber and gets a good wage. He doesn’t provide for my children he might buy them the odd treat usually out of guilt for staying in bed! He doesnt have any proper bills i have no idea where his money is going he’s secretive about everything. I just spoke with his mum and hes been borrowing money from her but she knows nothing about his drug use. She thinks hes borrowed it for bills

[thelostone]

none of this sounds good, does it? I don’t need to tell you, you know it in your heart.

Do you have a plan for yourself moving forward?

[hw12]

I know. Writing it down in front of me and reading it back to myself, it sounds ridiculous. Cant believe all this mess is happening when things were so different. I feel like hes 2 people does that sound daft?

Going forward, hes going to have to find somewhere to live.

Hes not close with his family. I have never met his dad but i think they fell out because he owed him money. He’s convinced im cheating on him and that i dont want to be with him physically because im doing it with someone else. He doesnt understand that hes made things how they are he thinks its me.

He knows deep down im not like that, think its to make him feel better rather than admit hes the problem.

[thelostone]

yes, it probably is to justify his own illicit behaviour he’s been hiding from you. However, heavy coke use will make him extremely paranoid. My partner smoked so much crack cocaine he called me and said someone was trying to get into his flat and kill him. He has also become so paranoid his own sister woke to find him hovering over her holding a knife.

As I said, you have to think of him as two people. Like my partner, I know instantly whether he is himself, an adorable loving man, or the loathsome pitiful junkie.. it’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

One piece of advice I would give you.. try to stop ruminating on past good times. They are in the past, and almost certainly won’t be coming back unless he can go into recovery and STAY CLEAN for a substantial amount of time. So reminiscing on the past won’t help you. You have to become stronger now and deal with the man in front of you. And right now that man in front of you has taken money and in all probability, lied to you for some time.

[hw12]

I dont know how you have coped through that it must have been tough.

Your are exactly right, i do keep thinking of good times and the night he proposed to me. My birthday last year. They were the best times.

My birthday this year was last week, i went to bed at 9pm crying because he wasnt being very nice. He criticises my parenting but had little to do with his own children something that i have only ever tried to encourage more of. He says i do too much for my children. They aways have and always will be my life and they come before anyone, including myself! I take pride in the fact i have raised my kids mostly alone and always been there for them. Not lately but before he has said some absolutely awful things. Things normal people wouldn’t even think about.

[thelostone]

you really have to start considering getting him out of your life. And be prepared for the begging, bargaining. Even if he admits to it, he will say “I will get help, I will change.’ I doubt, however, he will admit to anything right now. Like me, you would have to present him with evidence.

‘You do too much for your children.’? Alarm bells should be ringing my darling. No caring loving man would say that.

Don’t worry, I had two ruined birthdays with him. One, he threw a fit and stormed off because his sister disagreed with him about something totally inconsequential. Last year, having cut him out of my life, he hand posted a £1 card, saying he had to let me go. This year.. 3 weeks away, he WON’T be spoiling another one. Even alone, it will be better without him. Because I will have peace of mind, and I won’t be crying. And to be fair, my partner wasn’t really that abusive. It was more the lies.. but you are suffering abuse. Mental abuse.. and it will make you very ill. You may start suffering depression and you won’t even know it. I had to seek counselling in the end. I was getting counselling while he continued using that junk, without a care in the world.

Don’t you think you deserve more? Even if you can’t see yourself in another relationship and still love him, as I do my fella.. you deserve to be loved and cared for, and supported (emotionally and materially). Is he doing that?

[hw12]

Everything you say is just exactly how it is.

I feel like i have been ignoring my instincts, so many things have alarmed me and iv ignored them thinking everything will be ok and its just a blip. But it is constant. And whenever i address anything he turns things round on to me. He has friends that come to the house at least 3 times a week. In the whole year hes lived here not once has any of them ever been in. I dont know them. They drive outside and then go. He says they came to tell him something they dont like talking on the phone.

[thelostone]

oh my love.. I feel so sorry for you. They will be the people supplying him. What friends turn up at the door to chat for a few minutes? None of this is right.

I ignored my instincts for months. Until one night, he went home saying he was tired. Yet he didn’t look tired.. and that night, I called him and heard in his voice.. something not right. He dashed home from his crack den in the time it took me to get to his flat.. and I knew then.. after months of things not quite being right.. it was drugs. He admitted it. If I could turn back time, I would have walked away that night (nearly two years ago) and never looked back.

[hw12]

You talk so much sense about it all, i havent been able to make any sense in my head for months. I keep questioning myself and thinking is it me? Dont know where things went so wrong. Since i found out it has just been a downward spiral.

[thelostone]

sadly I only speak from experience. Don’t beat yourself up, you will get there.

Maybe the counselling benefitted me.. who knows, but I was running around like a lunatic. I confronted dealers, stalked the streets in the early hours trying to find his crack house mates.. I sent myself insane. You have children, they have to come before anyone.

Try to think of some boundaries.. some things you can decide you have to do to make life easier for yourself and the children. Be it to get him out the house, or protect yourself from him taking money from you. Determine a safe space where you and your children will be away from this…

trust me, it’s a cliche but you don’t know how strong you can be until you have to be. You will find your way. Do look at the other websites and read and research it, so you know what you are dealing with. Information makes you smarter about the situation you are in. You will know the signs to look for, and what you can do for yourself. I urge you to speak to the drug advice people on this live chat:

https://www.wearewithyou.org.uk/help-and-advice/

when they open, they are so so helpful. They are there for the people affected by others use, and they have a wealth of knowledge and advice.

For yourself, try to find some ways to relax, and start to care for yourself.. breathing techniques, meditation.. long baths.. start to care about YOU.

I hit rock bottom November last year, when he was very unkind to me. I actually knelt by my bed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.. and prayed. I’m not a religious person but I prayed to God that I find the strength to get this man out of my life, because I couldn’t take any more. I am still trying to get him out of my life, but my barriers went up that day. No more tears. No more heartache. I tried to help him and he started recovery in March, but he has lapsed. So I start again with the process of getting him out of my life. He will come back one day. They always do, because they are weak and needy and we loving nurturing women fulfil their needs. At our own expense.

Start to look forward. What can you do now.. in the next week/month, to move away for him? To protect your children. Protect yourself. Have some goals.. a plan. Get some support around you, be it forums or reconnecting with friends.

You will get there darling. Trust me.

[hw12]

I cant thank you enough for your advice today. I did speak with someone briefly on we are with you earlier which was really good and will definitely use that again. I have let more out today than in the past 6 months just worrying in my own head. So for that alone i feel better and more in control.

Hes like a monster in disguise because when hes not like this hes amazing like you said about jekyll and hyde. It’s exactly that.

You do get fed up knowing which one your going to get.

I have just spoken with my sister and she turned up at my door, obviously couldnt come in because of social distancing but im hopeful i can build bridges.

Are you always on this forum?

[thelostone]

I come and go.. dependent on my own needs… but if you respond to a post, I will get an email notification and will be here if you need to chat.

Have a heart to heart with your sister. It is invaluable to have someone support you. Someone that loves you. Someone to turn to. Because you will have some tough times ahead if you chose to stick with him. Even if you ask him to leave I feel it won’t be straightforward. Nothing with an addict is straightforward.. and their drugs take preference over everything.. and every one.

Always here if you need to chat. I am glad it’s been of help to you. Keep us updated. Get some sleep tonight. Learn to stop worrying.. and focus on what you can do positively to deal with the situation. Above all, know you are not alone. The anger will go.. one day. Just take one day at a time xxx

[hw12]

Your such a kind person for taking your time to message me. Thank you again. Take care x

[dfh]

If lostone isn’t about, I usually am. I’m in same boat.

Just having read this, I say from experience that your bf is doing crack. And if I’m right then it’s a slippery slope. I just hope you will be ok, if you need someone at any point just shout xx

[thelostone]

DFH, that’s really interesting what you say. May I ask, for my own learning…. what makes you say that? If it was crack, wouldn’t he need to be away from her… smoking it, for a while longer than he seems to be. They’ve been in isolation together. My partner is a crack/heroin addict, and I know when uses it, he disappears for hours at a time. And when he reappears, even a fool can see he has used. But for Lp10, her partner seems to be only gone for minutes… less than a hour at a time.

She said he has the runny nose, complaining it was hayfever. My partner didn’t have this.. he had a hacking cough, you could hear his chest from all the crap he’d smoked. But he didn’t sniff anything and had no problems with his nose.

I’d be interested to hear more DfS x

[dfh]

14 years of him doing it, I imagine I have learnt more from having to pick up clues and signs so that I can be one step ahead.

For me the alarm sign was him itching his skin til it bled. That is a classic crack cocaine use sign. Crack bugs – the addict feels like they have bugs on them.

2nd sign – £20 That is the price for one rock. I know coz I’ve been asked a million times to lend that particular amount and he’s told me sometimes that’s what it’s for.

And no, he would only need literally 5/10 mins away to do it. Then it’s gone. And he will be hell bent trying to find more money. There is a telltale sign she can look for. Or 2. A smell of burnt plastic. And a really skitty look, like he just won’t want to face her. He will be acting odd.

Heroin smells like those bacon frazzled crisps. It’s disgusting. I have learnt to look out for these signs just so I can lock down my bank account and tell him I’m skint, hide car keys and move valuables. I’m like a weird detective!! I laugh coz if I didn’t I’d fall apart.

If I can share this with others to help them then something good has come from it at least…oh and prob the reason I still have valuables!

Anything else just shout xx

[thelostone]

you take care. Always here if you need to speak. Good luck. One day at a time. Be kind to yourself, and take care of your kids. x

[thelostone]

I guess my experience is different because I (mercifully) don’t live with my (now ex) partner. When he used he would just go off radar but it wouldn’t be too noticeable to me as he’d do it overnight – so I’d only not hear from him til mid morning next day.. until it got a hold of him. But he would never do it around me, and I never ever saw any drug paraphenalia. At his worse he started pawning his belongings. However (maybe strangely), he NEVER ONCE took money from me for drugs. Never asked for money. He also didn’t seem to itch his skin, except for his legs which were genuinely affected by really dry skin. Maybe he wasn’t using that heavily…?

He did come to me in the middle of the night once, spaced out and needing to come down. He’d been driving round, over the limit for drink and drugs. He seemed scared. Had to drink alcohol to come down. I also spoke to him during a massive paranoid episode, he was convinced someone was trying to break into his flat. All delusions.

Last time I saw him, I asked him if he had lapsed. Tried to talk to him, he couldn’t stop himself swearing at me. I knew in my heart he was using again. I waited til the early hours that night. Switched his new phone on (he had taken to suddenly turning it off).. and found the drugs calls and the dealers I knew (he hadn’t even tried to hide their names in his contact list). This after changing his number and promising me they were history. I walked home at 4am that night and haven’t seen him since. He has come to my door and I didn’t answer.

I consider myself lucky compared to some. Just trying to find the strength to keep him away from me.

Thanks for your advice Dfh.. xxx

[dfh]

I think the itching is something that can affect some but not all. I picked up on a lot of this purely because in the beginning all I wanted to do was protect him and make sure he was ok. That started to take over my life until I realised that he wasn’t bothered what happened to him and I was driving myself mad trying to look out for him for the both of us. Thinking back it was stupid really. I’ve been in crazy situations…I actually hate thinking about it.

He’s spawned stuff, like wedding ring, laptop, gold chain, watch, tablet and got out payday loans. Usually pawns stuff over and over. His belongings are in the cash converters more than with him. I used to pay to get them back out mainly coz I bought them but now I don’t. It’s pointless. I also don’t buy him anything either anymore. He “lost” a pair of £200 trainers and his car. I know. Don’t ask.

And he does the same as your ex, drives round high as a kite and sleep deprived. Annoyingly he never seems to get caught off the police. He’s been on this last bender since last weds and has not been stopped once. I just don’t get it.

Sits in his van, for hours, doing his stupid stuff. Doesn’t eat or sleep or wash. Then I get random texts saying he thinks someone is trying to get in his van. It’s ridiculous. This last episode has been worse. He is hallucinating and is incoherent. He is talking literal gibberish. He has slept today thank god.

I honestly do not ever think he will kick the habit. It’s more the crack than heroin. But they go hand in hand. I absolutely love the bones of him and he does me but it’s heart breaking to watch this crazy behaviour and then there’s the kids. My eldest is 19 and isn’t daft. She knows. I can’t carry on this single life with a destructive person on board. My next step is a watch and wait with the rehab. That will show me if he’s committed to getting clean. If not I’m going to have to leave. I used to think I couldn’t leave because he would end up dead somewhere. And that if I didn’t look out for him the same, he would overdose. Now I realise the alternative is I risk waking up next to a dead body. Honestly once you start detaching you see things more rationally. I think you reach that point naturally if you get that far that is. Most people end up very ill trying to cope with an addict. It’s exhausting. Any way I’m always on here, so ever you need me let me know. Hugs xx

[thelostone]

wow… your situation sounds worse than mine. Not married to him, no kids. And genuinely, he seems more in control.. but I do NOT kid myself that means it’s ok, or he won’t spiral. And he got himself to recovery, something he has hiterto NEVER done. So maybe there is hope for him. But I am not around and want not part of it. I’ve lost all respect for him. A man I used to utterly adore. That’s the heartbreaking part for me. But I won’t waste any more tears on him.

[dfh]

No, no more tears. That’s the point I’m hoping you will get to before the situation gets like mine. And that’s a real possibility. Imagine the worst it could ever be and understand that it’s very possible.

I’m married which makes it more difficult to just give up completely. I guess I’ll always be on the sideline somewhere just making sure he is ok. There to help him make positive moves forward but equally important keeping away from negative sides.

Have a look at CRAFT, that helps. It may help you more with the stage you are at. Xx

[thelostone]

Thanks. I had a look.. but quite honestly, I am just trying to walk away entirely. I’ve no interest in trying to help him anymore. He’s abused my trust too many times and I have enough anger now to cut him off. I get stronger each day so fingers crossed I can move on and finally get him out of my life.

[dfh]

Yea I get how you feel. It’s the toll it takes, your own subconscious trying to take over in order to protect yourself. You need to listen to that instinct. Especially so if you don’t have children. I’d run for the hills if I’m honest. I am backing away slowly, less damaging in my situation. It’s important to do what’s best for you. I have dreams where I love house and don’t tell him! Haha! Xx

[thelostone]

I can’t get over this latest betrayal. He went into recovery, which is outstanding for him… and I KNEW he’s lapse. I knew he would and told him. But I made it clear..BE HONEST TO ME. And DON’T give out your number to these slags again.

He did both.

And to exacerbate it, he emailed me and said he wasn’t so much lying to me to hide the truth, as to protect me from it. Spoken as only a true addict in denial could speak. I gave him a hard hitting reply, and blocked him.

I just have to deal with any post he sends, (right not just not opening it is my best move) and count down the days until I feel he is out of my life.

So glad I didn’t have kids, and thank God not married or living together.. my God, you did 20 odd years. No… 2 years of dragging me down has taken its toll. If I don’t walk away whilst I am strong enough to, I don’t think I ever will.

Hope you are ok. Thanks for your advice. It’s good to be pre-armed and shared others’ experiences. It reminds us we are not alone in this.

[zaitsev]

Hi there, I feel for you as I have and still have drug abuse in the family I’ve lived with it for the past 24 years at least, I have just put a post up actually. I feel the same as you and feel I don’t know how longer I can hold on. Everyone I have spoken to tells me the same thing, “look after yourself first”, I understand you are torn apart from the inside and its extremely hard to deal with, I am sorry for both of you, you are a caring person that’s why you are looking for help. Try and find out about any problems in his life if you have the strength and get to the root of the problem otherwise you have to put yourself first for your own sanity but get him help if you can but make it clear to him you are out if you see him under any influence and stick to your guns he needs to realise what’s happening. I hope you have a happy life and to your partner too.

[dfh]

You’re definately not alone. Any advice I can give I will.

It sounds like you have reached the end of your tolerance with him. I would take the opportunity to cut ties. The longer you are in this the harder it becomes. Trust me. I think back many times before I had my middle child – his biological first with me. If I’d have had the insight then as to what I know now I would have left and never looked back. I stuck with him out of sheer determination to get the best out of him. Turns out he sucked the life out of me. Well, not all coz I’m very stubborn and hard to change but I can imagine if I was built different then I would be a mess. I would be broke, homeless and empty. Do not allow him to do this to you. Walk away while you can, you can do it! Xx

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