[meju]

My partner and I have known each other for over 10 years and have been living together for 4 years. My partner likes to take cocaine which I never thought was a problem until now. In the last couple of years he has gone from using it as a party drug to using it 6 out of 7 days and in the last year in particular has suffered increasingly severe paranoid attacks. It usually happens a few hours after he has been taking. Last night he had a particularly bad attack and was very nasty to me saying I was conspiring with everyone at the party and that I had done this for two years and he didn’t want to know me any more, yet half an hour before this we were having a great time dancing and socialising on a boat party. I couldn’t reason with him at all and he said some really nasty stuff. I managed to get him home where he calmed down. We talked and for the very first time he admitted that he had a problem and wants to give up coke which I have offered to help him with. I too do coke but if I am truthful only do it because he does and I can’t bear to not be on the same level. He went to work today and has not long come home, he seems very withdrawn and just wants to sleep constantly, which he always does when he’s not using coke. He also gets constant headaches and is really difficult to be with because he can be quiet abrubt and abusive verbally to be. If I offer to help he tells me he doesn’t want help and if I stay quite he says he just wants symphaphy, It seems I can’t win. I love him dearly despite all this as he is such a lovely person and I know that its only the coke causing all these issues. My problem is I am now finding it really hard to cope with it all and don’t want to live like this any more. I am feeling hurt, angry and upset by it all as I have stood by him for several years and have always given him the benefit of the doubt and blamed it on his addiction. To the outside world we are the perfect couple who have a great social life, but behind closed doors the nights when we used to have such a nice time have turned into a nightmare when he/we use cocaine. Since last month I decided not to do it with him any more in the hope that he may also refrain, but its not helped, in fact he seems to be taking more and more and its really not making him high any more but lower and lower and when hes not taking it and home he is often asleep or has severe headaches. He says he wants to get off it but refuses to go to CoAnon saying he can deal with it himself, in the meantime I have to deal with his paranoid delusions when he accuses me of all sorts of things. Can anyone give me any advise other than seek advice from CoAnon. Its got to the stage where I am thinking of walking if he doesn’t attempt to give up now. We are in our 40s and have teenage children which no nothing of his addiction, yet! Any advice anyone can give me would be really helpful especially how to cope while his having a delusion.

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