[kel1]

Heartbroken

One week before Christmas (2019) my partner of 22 years left our family home, leaving us all devastated. He basically admitted using cocaine “on and off” for the last six months (Dec 2019), but said he hasn’t got an issue with it (yeh right).

Leading up to him leaving he had not came home one night whilst he was on his works Christmas party, but told me that he had “stayed at a friend’s place playing cards”. His behavior had changed, cold, distant, nasty, telling me he did not know what he wanted anymore” etc. Finally he admitted going home with a stranger and what’s more attempted to have unprotected sex – I say attempted Because he said he could not perform. He relished in telling me all the sordid details which broke my heart – all in front of one of our older children. Apparently she gave him a BJ and then said “it’s not your thing is it” – nasty beyond words.

Before all this I can honestly say that he was a loyal, loving family man, however I can now hardly recognize the man he is now.

I was told after the confession that he no longer loves me (news to me), and that his unhappy and we were going through the motions. I am shocked as I like to think I am quite perceptive and would have picked up on whether he was unhappy or not but I can honestly say that a part from normal every day family struggles we were fine. I was then blamed for his drug use and everything else in his life that he views as negative.

My mother passed away in 2017 and he even mentioned how I withheld sex while I was grieving – like I said already he was so nasty to me it’s heartbreaking.

I asked him to leave and he went straight away. His since asked for money, blamed me still and denied having an issue with cocaine. What hurts is that he continues to blame me for his destructive behaviours and hardly bothers with our two children. We also have a family pet dog who is on her last legs which he used to love – nope he just doesn’t seem to care about any of us. It’s as though we are not existent.

He is living with his mother who has apparently taken him to the doctors and they have prescribed medication, however if he is still using cocaine I can’t see how affective that would be. His mother is a vindictive women that could possibly do more harm that good.

I’ve got so low in mood I’ve taken time off work – two months now, lost a stone and half, and even considered ending my own life. I have literally been left heartbroken. I feel as though I was blindsided and robbed of my life. I’ve been with this man since I was 17 years old and I have to say that I miss the man I once knew.

I feel lost and because I’m dealing with everything as he has projected it on to me without an apology I feel as tho my own recovery will take longer. I can’t seem to let go. Although, I also can’t get over the betrayal. I’m gutted. People say “you deserve better” but in truth that’s unhelpful, although probably right because no one deserves this shit.

What I’m struggling with is the blaming. Does he really believe I’m to blame? Perhaps it’s denial on his part I don’t know l, but how can I be responsible for him lying, taking drugs and cheating on me. I’ve even blamed myself which is upsetting also. I keep crying and I’m gutted that this drugs has torn my family apart.

[danman83]

Hope your ok kel, but 1st of.. dont even think about taking your life for your husbands actions, especially when you have children. Would you really want them be left with him? Try and be strong i know its hard. But we all know kids come 1st.

Plus none of this is your fault! Cocaine makes you make so many excuses just to get coke. Its called emotional relapse. Its just an excuse to go get coke. Depending on the situation.

So stop blaming youself. We make our own decisions in life. You didnt force him to do it.

He wont change until he is ready to. I know you dont want to hear this. But you are best off out of there kel, and you really need to stop listening to his bullshit, rise above it, show him you are not bothered. Let your hair down and go out with a friend and try and be happy. I know its easier said then done but your just gonna make yourself worse.

Im struggling with coke as well. But mine is just a weekend thing or every few week. I hate the stuff. And i am trying so much to stop. I even downloaded a yoga app last night so im going to try that this week.

There is so much you can do to stop or control it. He just needs to want to.

[kel1]

Thanks Dan, and I’m it’s great that you are trying recovery. I’ve started to attend Al Anon so that I can get some support and try to detach from it all. All I do is search my mind every minute of the day working out how someone can change so quickly.

At the moment he isn’t even contacting the kids which also makes me feel guilty. It’s like his piled all responsibilities onto me and I’ve taken them on.

I’m currently off work which has been two months now and I still don’t feel ready to go back. I’m so drained and now developed an anxiety issue.

Recently his asked me for 7k to get him started again In life – what a joke. I doubt it’s for a place to live.

I’m up and down at the moment – thoughts are not so often now thankfully and a bit easier to manage. I’m just so scared and can’t believe this man has changed so much.

I don’t think he wants help. Seems to be enjoying this new life sadly. He acts so out of character, however I’ve been told he now has depressive episodes – come downs I’m sure but his mother is not listening to me about his drug issues.

I’m just lost Totally lost.

[hox-26]

Danman is right. Don’t blame yourself, you didn’t make him have coke. It was his choice and he has ruined his life and yours too. It is heartbreaking.

My husband said he didn’t love me anymore. Cocaine changes you. One day you are blissfully happy next day they are gone. They don’t care anymore. As sudden as that, you are not alone there are loads of us in this situation.

Definitely don’t listen to his bull shit.

[kel1]

Thanks for the support. I think it’s that what I am struggling with the most – the sudden change. He had literally transformed into the most selfish person I’ve ever come across. My poor girls are at a loss also I can see it on their faces. My little family unit is now just us.

This all happened one week before Xmas imagine the horror on all our faces. Selfish!. He told me to tell nobody that he cheated on me which meant for some time I had no support. That didn’t last though because I was so stressed people could see it on my face.

Most people’s husband’s atleast try to come back tho – mine as fucked off completely. Taking even my right to decide whether I want him back or not. Stripped me of even my dignity.

[danman83]

Ye its not good for the kids that. But dont blame yourself. Its his loss and he will regret it in the end. I wouldnt give him any money either. Your mad if you do. Go treat you and the kids to some family time instead. He will pay off what he owes.. and then just run another debt up. Dont fall for it.

[kel1]

I wouldn’t give him any money as I am sure it’s going on drugs and not anything else. I’m sick of all the worry and stress he has caused all of us.

He is literally like a robot. I do wonder if it affects everyone that way. He has no emotions

[silentpain78]

I understand totally. Were expecting our first 2 grandchildren this summer. I don’t want them around him and his stupid addiction. Its embarrassing he has a cold everywhere we go… He looks nothing like the man I married. He doesnt see anything wrong when in reality I’m married to an addict who refuses to get help. I want a divorce but im afraid he’ll hurt me if I leave. I’m so glad I found this group…????????

[danman83]

I guess it depends how bad you are on it really

[kel1]

Well he said he was using on and off for about six months, but I tested him twice within two weeks and both tests positive for cocaine and cannabis. I reckon he was using daily to be fair or at least three times week judging by the running nose, sneezing, dilated eyes, talkativeness and mood swings. My God I was blind, I put it down to midlife crisis but all the while I guess it was the other stuff

[danman83]

Ye it makes you do a lot of hiding and lying.

[kel1]

Feels like I’ve lost him forever. Sad times. Thanks for listening to me

[danman83]

Its ok. Always here if you want to talk. If i could turn back time.i would of never looked at the stuff. And id tell anyone.. dont even try it! Ever! It turns your life upside down

[kel1]

Thank you and yeh I totally agree. I hope you can beat this thing once and for all. Apparently there’s this Chinese herb stuff which I saw in Louise Clarke video to help with cravings – might help.

[danman83]

Ive got some lol but im not too sure if they help. But then again ive not used them for a while.

[kel1]

Well keep taking them then lol you never know they could work.

That drug is lethal and I’m going to raise awareness when I’m strong enough. Reckon more should be done as prevention measures.

I’m literally exhausted with it all so I’m sure you must be also.

[laura13]

I’ve just read that it’s nac supplements it’s suppose to help with cravings I wish I’d have known as could have told me ex about them xx

[kel1]

I wish I had the strength to contact my ex and tell him about them also. But apparently he hasn’t got an issue – denial.

You know what makes me sad reading all the threads about cocaine and it’s affects is how sometimes losing family isn’t even some addicts rock bottom.

[laura13]

I know kel. My boyfriend ended our relationship a week ago as hes taking the steps to sorting himself out and he said I don’t deserve any of it and he doesn’t deserve me coz he’s abusing himself and feels down and he has to fight for it all now and me. He blocked me then but I’ve been in contact with his sister and he’s on the right path now he’s eating better and not had any drugs since Thursday x

[kel1]

It’s upsetting isn’t it. I guess he is doing the right thing by focusing on himself to help himself hopefully so that he can be a better person for you.

Mine is apparently depressed and unable to work, void of any emotions and is still in blame mode. I think he is probably still actively using.

I feel like I’m in a nightmare I can’t wake up from.

I go to Al Anon meetings now as I need support and to learn how to focus on me and not his addiction. I got so caught up in it all and shouldered the blame that I lost who I am.

I have developed an anxiety issue and lost so much weight.

Everyone says I deserve better, but before this drug took hold he was a nice fella, partner and father.

[laura13]

I’m hoping he’s going to speak to me again it’s hard love I know. I tried getting him help for ages but he wasn’t ready himself to take action on it but now he is but he’s cut contact with me so I can’t support him. I hope he comes back to me and proves he’s a better person now and we can live a normal life without me constantly worrying about him xx

[kel1]

I kind of get that they need to get away to focus on themselves, but I do wonder why they walk away from the people they love and care for. Could be guilt, undeserving, or even the “trigger of pleasure” who knows.

I hope he does communicate with you soon so you aren’t left in limbo. And you deserve a healthy life just hope you two can get that together.

Mine is on another planet at the moment so far away from my lil family.

[laura13]

I know love I’m confused by it all too I just love him and I know he loves me. Luckily he’s never done harm to me or anyone else or done anything bad like stealing or cheating or something against the law he was always open to talking about his problem so I was never in the dark. He spoke to me last Monday about getting of it and taking time of work I just thought I was going to be included xx

[kel1]

Well if he spoke with you then that’s a little bit of him including you init.

Mine was loyal for 22 years, great man and we had it all. Holidays three times a year good jobs etc to this nightmare. Sounds like he is trying to include you. I get the odd message about the kids that’s it. Even got a message asking if we should buy joint birthday presents for the kids which is weird being as though we’re separated. Wished he’d just communicate but in truth I don’t think he can forgive himself for cheating on me. He hated guys that did that as his mum cheated on his dad and he held firm beliefs about it then he did it to me. . Gutted how we went from the cute couple to this. We was honestly a couple you’d not have thought we’d been together so long as we held hands on the sofa at night and cuddled in public still.

[laura13]

Aww I feel for you hun I’m struggling too I know he’s doing it for himself and I admire that it’s just hard when they isolate away from you. He included me in stuff and always did it’s just the hurt he caused me to walk away that’s what’s hard for me not knowing if it’s for good or wheather he did it to concentrate on himself and then be a better person for me. My heads all over the place xx

[kel1]

Personally I’d say he is considering you which is pretty positive. I reckon he’ll come back to you. Seems honest enough and upfront which is good.

If it’s meant to be then he’ll be back. Keep strong and hold onto hope. It’s really all we have left.

[laura13]

Thanks love I really needed to hear that. Hopefully your husband will admit he needs help and get the help he needs. Why do drugs have to exist I worry for when my children are older it scares me to think that they could be introduced to them at high school xxx

[kel1]

Anytime. Keep me updated and take care of yourself.

[laura13]

Thanks hun u too xxx

[danman83]

Ye im going to it. I need order some more anyway. Thanks

[laura13]

Where do you purchase yours from I’ve told his sister about them xx

[kel1]

Keep strong and motivated. Have you tried hot yoga?

[danman83]

No but i tried a bit of normal yoga in my room tonight and my daughter kept on coming in my room laughing her head off.. so ill try when shes not watching lol. But im open to anything. I listen to binary beats as well with my headphones in.. that helps with meditation and other things.

[kel1]

Micheal sealey is good for meditation check him out. Also acupuncture is meant to be good for deep relaxation. Sounds like you’re really into self care which is what it’s all about

[danman83]

Im doing my best its just hard. And i get embarrased for using it and how i am with it. So it feels awkward doing all these things near my gf. But its for the best i guess

[kel1]

Try Letting go of the embarrassment it’s unhelpful and nowt to feel embarrassed about when you’re actually trying to better yourself. Keep going and those thoughts will subside

[silentpain78]

How do you walk away when they wont admit they have a problem?? He refuses to get help because he says he doesnt have a problem. If he goes 2 days without it the headache starts and so does the attitude…

[kel1]

Unfortunately denial is common with addiction. It’s a problem when people start to recognize changes in behavior, mood and general characteristics. I think I walked away because of the behaviors – cheating on me, lying and mood swings. He became a shadow of his old self in the end. Didn’t seem to care about anything other than himself. Used to shout at the kids for no reason and I became non existent.

Leaving my ex didn’t seem to change anything which hurts alot because we wasn’t even his rock bottom. They have to admit to themselves they have a problem then want to seek help. Motivation has to come from within. Unfortunately it’s a waiting game now – it could go on for years which is the scary part because by that time usually partners move on.

[danman83]

Kels right im afraid. Your flogging a dead horse if he is not admitting he has a problem and needs help. If you want a divorce. Id go for it. You need to think of yourself, he does!. It will just make you ill in the long run. Just get a good support around you

[laura13]

I spoke to his sister about the nac supplements she said they seem good so I’ve ordered him some and sent them to his house. He probs won’t know there from me like but still supporting him after what he did to me. Hoping his sister let’s him know I’ve been I contact but who knows would be nice if he knew I still care for him. She thinks he’s will talk to me again I really want him back xxx

[kel1]

That’s good you did that for him. I’m sure he’ll be in touch soon. I guess you have to consider that he may relapse as well and prepare yourself a little if you were to rekindle your relationship with him. Try focus on yourself for a bit because I can imagine you’re thinking all sorts which will affect your mental health and send you a bit stir crazy. Al Anon is a helpful fellowship for you – check out there meetings local to where you are. They help families etc affected by substances and destructive relationships.

[laura13]

Thanks hun I can’t stop crying xxx

[kel1]

Oh no Laura ☹️. I’m having a tough day myself today, feeling really low again. I’m here for you and I’m sure alot of others are also. Be around good support that have your back. I’m going for a jog now to try to get rid of some anxiety.

It’s awful isn’t it – rejection sucks for sure, but remember he hadn’t fully rejected you – he has said he will return hasn’t he. Allow him time and crying is healing so let it all out.

I hate cocaine it just ruins relationships and when I get back to work I’m going to bang on about it and probably do more for families as much as I can.

Have a nice bath, cuppa tea or make a cake or something. Take mind off it for a bit. You sound lovely, it’s the rejection and unknown which is scaring you I’m sure.

[laura13]

I’m heartbroken with everything and I’m worried sick about him hoping that he’s doing ok and that he has actually stopped. I’ve got his sister’s words that he has but I don’t know for myself xxx

[kel1]

One thing I have learnt is addicts are skillful in lying and hiding things so unfortunately it’s all down to trust, however alot of what they say is lip service sadly. I’ve heard it all a thousand times and in the end you get fed up with the lies. I hope he is straight now, for his sake, but do take care of yourself.

I’m pretty sure if his off the drugs he may be depressed, in which case he will be battling through things, which will probably put him in a negative mindset.

I know it’s hard – I think mine is on one this week as his spying on me at 3am in the morning on my social media. Who the hell is up at that time. Gear!!

Think I’m a bit angry with him today haha

[laura13]

I know I’ve got his sister telling me hes not had any still and he’s been downstairs to eat 6 times today normally he didn’t eat much. When we was on holiday last year he didn’t have any coke with him so he was constantly eating and agitated. But he then drove home 2 days later to buy some so it does sound like he was when he hadn’t had any back then xxx

[kel1]

Oh maybe he is on the road to recovery then. Good for him. Hope it continues and I a hope you’ve stopped crying. It’s really hard isn’t it.

[laura13]

I know it’s hard I’ve just cried on and off for past week. I miss him. The nac supplements should be here Friday so he can start taking them I’m just holding out for him to talk to me again just don’t know how long it will be while he’s coming of the drugs. Just clinging on to him loving me to want to be with me again and now he’s sorting himself out to having a better life. I’ve not had any luck with relationships my husband cheated on me and left me for another woman so this is the 2nd relationship in 4 years I’ve had to deal with a breakup xxx

[kel1]

Oh Laura sorry to hear that. Sounds like your heart is heavy at the moment. Are you sleeping and eating well? Look after yourself the main thing is that you love yourself so focus on that for now because in addiction you end up focusing so much on them you lose yourself. Don’t do that. Find yourself again and be kind to yourself.

[laura13]

Thanks kel it really is I feel like I’m not strong enough to deal with the heartache again. Luckily I’ve got my twins there for me don’t know what I’d do without my children. There heartbroken too as they loved him and they called him daddy and he walked out of there life’s like there dad did. Trying to be strong for the three of us there hoping he comes back too obviously they don’t know what’s wrong with him i just said he’s not well and needs some time to get himself better. Do your children know about there dads addiction xxx

[kel1]

It’s hard trying to cope when you have children, and confusing for them no doubt. It’s good you’re all sticking together at this time tho.

My children are a bit older so yes they’re aware of his drug use. Couldn’t really keep it from them as I found wraps in front of one of them in his wallet.

Plus his smoked weed on and off as well in our home (not while I’m present) and they’ve smelt that too. It’s all just terrible isn’t it. As I’m saying it I’m feeling crappy that they’ve had to endure that.

[laura13]

Im eating but not alot felt sick since Friday and exhausted so been getting plenty of sleep xxx

[danman83]

I forgot say.. i ordered them the other day.. they are to get back your dopanine levels and receptors working again in your brain.. i ordered and all these help for this…Rhodiola rosea, N-Acetyl , L-cysterine, L-carnitine, L- tyrosine. Cost me about 20 quid all together. They help your mood as well and are good for the gym.

[laura13]

Hi I ordered some last night and have had them posted to his house should arrive by Friday. I hope they help I wish he’d unblock me. Spoke to his sister she said they sound good. Just feel rubbish can’t stop crying I’m grieving the relationship and worried sick about him too. I just want him to talk to me xx

[danman83]

Cant believe he still has you blocked. I think he will soon come to his sences. Just keep asking his sister. But try and go out with a mate or do something to keep you busy. You will make yourself ill.

[laura13]

I will do least she’s still talking to me. I’m ok whilst at work it’s just when I’m at home or listening to music it makes me think of him and then the emotions come. I do find it hard I was used to speaking to him everyday and seeing him and now nothing. My laptops up at his house so will have to go at some point I’m just giving him time to himself just how long will he feel like this. When I’ve seen him not have coke for a few days he’s been agitated and tired and just eats alot. She said he’s been up and about and has been down to the kitchen 6 times for food well probably more now. I just don’t know how he can just go on like he hasn’t even thought about me xxx his sister messaged yesterday saying of course I think he’ll talk to you again as friends if nothing else. Don’t know what to think xx

[laura13]

Do you have any suggestions to help him stay focused I’m passing loads of info on to his sister from these forums so any help would be greatly appreciated xxx

[danman83]

Yea.. meditation is really good, sounds sab but it work.. but have headphones in and search… mr theta binary beats on you tube.. these help with addiction and sleep.

Also.. i some times do a 1 month calender and put on each day differents task.. eg.. gym, walk, read abook, decorate, meditate, listen to podcast. And tick each day off when its done each day. This is good to have goals. And keeps you busy.

Reading helps aswell. He needs to tell him self each day.. just stay clean for today and dont plan too far ahead. Eat healthy as well.

[harl]

Hi Dan do you mind making a list of the supplement you are taking for dopamine and mood for me to purchase?

Thanks

[laura13]

I’ve doubts his not going to talk to me again. When he was with his ex she messed him up she cheated and he went back to her she mentally abused him won’t let him see his kids that’s why he ended up on the drugs to self medicate for feeling depressed. It’s hearbraking knowing after all she’d done to him he gave her another chance and I’ve been there for him and supported him with ringing rehab and programmes to help him and he didn’t go. Now he’s made the decision to stop but broke up with me saying he abused our relationship like he’s had abused himself with drugs and that he feels bad and that i deserve better than him. He constantly told me how much he loves me and that I was the best thing to happen to him but I don’t know what the future will bring. I messaged him of my sisters phone on watsapp telling him about the nac supplements and asked if he was ok I said I still cared for him and loved him but no reply. He was online so must have read it but nothing. I’m finding all of this so hard xxx

[kel1]

Sounds as though youve both been thru tough times in life. Allow him some space and try to focus on you for now. He knows you’re there for him, and giving him space may give him time to think and reflect about what he wants from his life and an opportunity to miss you. If you contact him and he don’t respond you open up yourself to more heartache and possibly push him further away. I know you’re hurting and are wanting to hear from him but try to leave things for now. And he may just be thinking and reply later on to you.

I can see you’re in despair as am I, and it’s the unknown that hurts. In my case i am trying to let him go which is killing me slowly.

It’s so tough I know, but all this worry is going to make you very unwell.

[laura13]

I’ll try hun trying to stay positive but keep thinking the worst xxx

[kel1]

I know and that’s the anxiety talking there. Try taking your mind off things for today. One day at a time. Remember you’re in recovery also

[kel1]

Hope you’re feeling better luv

[laura13]

Hi kel I’ve just broken down I’m not handling this well at all. How are you doing today xxx

[kel1]

Oh no poor you it’s so hard isn’t it. It’s heartbreaking I know. I’m the same really, I’m literally surviving day to day, sometimes moment to moment. I live at the gym and I run/walk in nature. I’m still off from work as I’m no way fit to work.

Hardest thing I’ve been thru and I’ve been thru alot of s***.

On top of that this coronavirus is panicking everyone around me.

Can you invite a friend over to sit with you

[harl]

Hey hope you don’t me messaging you – how did you get on? I’m in a similar situation to you now. Not seen him for 3 weeks spoke Thursday last and hoping he wakes up one day and finds his emotions to want to be with me again. He’s just numb and emotionless at the moment x

[laura13]

Hi I got back with him 9 days later and he finished with me again yesterday he’s so paranoid thinking I’m cheating the coke has messed him up big time and he doenst believe me when I said I’ve done nothing. He stopped using it’s been over 2 weeks but not sure if he’s still of it. He’s just been awful with me xxx

[harl]

Did he stop on his own? What’s the longest he has stopped for?

My partner is now on three weeks. Last time we spoke was Thursday. Last saw him three weeks ago. But I feel like I need to give him space like you did before even checking in with him x

[laura13]

This is the first time he was adamant he was getting of it. It will be 3 weeks Tuesday xx

[harl]

Hi hun how have you been getting on ? X

[danman83]

No. Not at all: N – Acetyl L – cysteine, L – tyrosine, L – Theanine, Rhodiola Rosea and Ashwaganha. I get them all off Ebay. And you can get them off a site called – http://www.5greens.co.uk. but I just get them off ebay. It’s cheap and easier.

[louise1505]

It’s like grieving it’s just awful I completely relate xx

[hw12]

Hi i have just come across this and can completely relate. I asked my partner to move out last friday. He told me in December he was clean now and then after ignoring my gut i found out he has been using since feb almost £100 a day. Hes in such a bad place but has admitted everything and it trying to get help, i feel bad because i have kicked him out of the family home so he is even more vulnerable now. But if he stayed i would have just been continuing to enable it. I too feel like im grieving for the loving man he was, i really feel for you its heart breaking it really is. I am here for anyone who needs a chat, this forum at times has been the only place i can really let things out.

[louise1505]

How long was he using for? Did he tell u himself? Iv read that many stories uv lost track who said wat it so sad how many ppl are affected!

Mine I know nothing about he said he tried it first time wen I was pregnant 3 yrs ago but I only found out all this this jan he said it was occasionally but has issues none of it made sense and nothing he said was consistent! Now he’s denying it and has just disappeared angry at me for accusing?!!! I’m so angry x

[hw12]

Hi louise,

I first found out before xmas last year and at this point had no idea how bad it was. He went to therapy a few times, went to drs and was on antidepressants and seemed to do well for a bit. Recently found out he managed a month and hes battled with this for 16 years!!! He was back on it in feb and apparently addicted more than ever before, using most days and using alot. Which explained everything i had been ignoring, even when id asked him he lied and lied. Last friday i had to kick him out of the family home which has killed me. Im heartbroken but hes never going to do anything about this, unless he realises. Anyway just before he went he admitted everything and spoke honestly about it all. And has since told me how sorry he is and cant believe how he has treated me. Hes so upset with himself. I just hope he can do it this time its robbed his whole life. X

[louise1505]

It’s awful mines chosen to ignore it and has moved on I think with one of the women he cheated with who takes it too shows no interest in the kids anymore I just can’t believe wat he’s done x

[kel1]

Hi all,

Just seen these messages. I too found out December last year, and by accident. I found a wrap In his wallet. At first he said it was speed to help him perform better at work. I tested him and it was cocaine. He then said he was sorry, that he will change and that he only done it “occasionally”. Then he went out for a work party and never came home. My heart sank. Call it women’s intuition but I just knew as he has never stayed out before, in fact he loved his family home. He came home and said he fell a sleep at his friends after the work party and I sort of believed it but his story kept changing, so I tested him again and he was positive for cocaine.

Before I knew he cheated I got all the excuses and promises he would not cheat – he lied to my face, as well as how much he loved me etc.

Then when I challenged him he eventually admitted going home with some random women.

He was vile, he told me all the details in front of my daughter. The things he said was hurtful, then came the “I am not in love with you anymore, and been unhappy for years which was news to me. He changed completely.

Now, he doesn’t really bother me my kids, and the last time I saw him which was few weeks back he refused a drug test. I’m assuming he is bang on the drugs now. But we have become nothing to him, when once we was everything. Everyone is gobsmacked at the changes in him and would never have thought he could treat us all this way.

I’m six months on and I’m still so broken. I take one day at a time but honestly I’m so upset with all that’s happened and none of it makes sense. I suspect that’s because I’m dealing with the addict and not him.

The things he says now are confusing. He says “I wasn’t happy with anything he did” and blamed me still, but then says how hurt he is when I can’t look at him.

I’ve lost him to cocaine and it’s devastating us all.

Thanks for listening

[louise1505]

Sounds same as mine how it’s all u fault I turned cold on him etc duno way he’d expected wen he’d sleep all day disappeared all night “working” whilst I raised the boys with no money! Now it’s all we fell out of love we dint work iv moved on just accept it I’m not a drug addict it’s laughable etc – duno wat his excuses are with not being a father has he fell out of love with them too does his relationship with them boy work ?!! It’s just unbelievable xx

[kel1]

Well that’s just it it’s as though he has fell out of love with the kids an all then. What crap! It’s all just crap. If getting his next line is more important than his kids then he don’t deserve them. It’s so hard, it’s been so difficult for us all.

[rfr]

My husband left in March without an argument or anything . And besides the call I got to pay a lot of money to a dealer which he seemingly owed. He has never contacted me. Can someone explain how a 14yr relationship ( four years married) no longer exists in your brain.he has left me with every bill to manage. And now is living with a woman who has to buy everything from scratch for him because when he left home he took nothing as he was supposed to be coming back. It’s daunting at times that a man can walk away from a relationship where he was cared for , he just knew that I wouldn’t accept the cocaine inside my house which was getting worse. Apparently he had been using for 10 yrs and it’s now getting the better of him. Poor money management , low to no sex drive, but had to use viagra all the time. His sperm count has also been destroyed by the drug as we went to many specialists to try to get pregnant. Is it that where he is he really doesn’t remember he had a home or he is full of shame and guilt ? Can someone explain? This drug gave him a history of leaving home to be with various women who would assist in his habit but he would always come back. This time I’ve had enough. It’s as though I’m taken for granted . The blood stained rags and pieces of your inside nose , the vomiting when u eat food after being in a binge where it’s only drugs and alcohol, the headaches. I cant understand how they see that as a good. Can someone help me understand

[kel1]

Sorry to hear you’re going through this, but Happy you’re reaching out on here.

Cocaine is highly addictive as I’m sure you’ve learned already just by observation. Basically the drug floods the brain of dopamine (part of the brains pleasure control), causing intense highs. Where there is intense highs there will inevitably be intense lows. Users will basically chase the highs to avoid the lows! Hence the addiction forming!

People who use this drug will undoubtedly experience serious side effects and health problems as you’re aware. Using Viagra will only put them at higher risk!

As for the debts and the behaviours you describe is A typical of a cocaine user. Do you want this man back? What helped me is to come to terms with the man I once knew is now gone! Gone to that disgusting lifestyle!

Your husband is with another women who uses? Can you imagine it – sniffing together? Class – pure class that! You’re better off out of it! You deserve better than that crap! So much better. It’s vile and degrading! Let them sniff themselves to death and you focus on building yourself back up again and BE strong.

Leaving you with debt from dealers wow – new low! I’d tell them where he is! That’s terrible! How much is the debt? Do you feel safe?

They end up emotionless and selfish so they’re not firing on all cylinders! Remember their brain chemistry is all out of synch! Shame, oh they feel it alright but do they face it? NO because they’re cowards and only strong people can take a look at the disgustingness they do! Let’s face it look at their lives! They ain’t going to wanna look within themselves and see all the ugly they’ve subjected themselves too. Especially when they’ve lost what they once had!

Let them chase their tails and sit in that and you focus on you! Time for healing.

Bug hugs ❤️

[rfr]

Thanks for responding. The debt while he was on his binge after a week I was told that twenty thousand was needed to be paid for his release. Off course as a dutiful wife I paid it to ensure that he and his car would’ve been released. That release never happened. So I don’t know what I paid the money for. All the guy who called his friend who is also the dealer kept saying and telling people is that he was too ashamed to face his wife. Then when someone we knew saw him he simply said he moved on. But in no way can he even message or call me to say anything. Was that even a marriage if he cannot see it fit to give me closure. Everything to me was good at home , no arguments nothing. Then u realize your drugs is out of control. So I guess it’s leave the wife that wants the best for u and go live off of someone else. Operate like you are living your best life when people who we knew meet him. So disappointing to throw his life away like that. Because everything he owns all his documents everything were left by me

[louise1505]

He sounds like my ex Rfr he left our relationship after 8 years due to his coke use which I didn’t know at the time – thought he was depressed! Turns out he’s been living with a much older woman who sniffs too – has seen kids once in 7 months tells me to accept it he’s moved on etc but the still denies this woman he won’t tell anyone where he lives not even his family Iv told him he can see kids on set days with a drug test he’s no interest I get words the odd time no actions so it tells me he’s stil deep Into but says he’s clean since Xmas?!! Y not see kids then?!

He has no remorse nothing he was begging me all last year for chances crying bombarding my phone then would disappear it’s only now I know the truth since he told me he had issues with cocaine at Xmas Iv not seen him and I shud move on – now he denies there issues he’s clean and I’m crazy ? !! Xx

[rfr]

They all seem to live in this dream world where reality doesn’t exist.and these dealers hold onto them so closely to get ever dollar that they want to spend behind this drug chase. I just want for my mind to forget that he even existed so I can move forward and regain happiness in my life.looking back i realize how I was silently just Hoping that the police never called or that he never overdosed. But obviously these thoughts never existed in his brain. My brain is one that over analyses so that the long list of unanswered questions which he left frustrates me a times.

[kel1]

Oh how they all sound the same. Louise, your ex partner could be the same as mine. They are like a mirror image. All of what you’ve described is exactly the same! He hasn’t seen our kids since Xmas, blames me and says he isn’t using! What the hell!!

I get the random text message every now and again, and most recently he has asked out the blue to take my youngest one football – even though he ain’t seen her for seven months! Wtf!!

Ive got the ‘you should move on” and it’s all my fault bla bla…

My ex is definitely still using!

Assh***s

[louise1505]

It’s unbelievable! It makes me feel so much better though hearing others stories and I realise I’m not crazy !!

Mine hasn’t even asked to see them he asked to talk a few weeks ago to sort something I sat waited any nothing phone off didn’t come x

[kel1]

Yeh we are all riding the wave of this hell and although comforting it’s sad. I still feel as though I’m entangled in it all still ????

[cnjs6]

To all of you dealing with the issues I was the cocaine user for 11 years but my ex-wife did it also…if you dont know anything about the drug it can be hard to notice someone on it…I did it because I had a life that consisted of 18-20 hr days between work and semi-pro softball and to be brutally honest we liked to have alot of fun after our games at night so we were constantly out using n partying(just about everyone on the team). Hard to believe we were as good as we were and I wouldnt trade anything because those memories we had will last a lifetime….NOW…to those who our dealing with their partner using behind their back I’ll give you this and by NO MEANS am I making excuses…yes cocaine will most likely affect your ability to perform sexually however it does make you more horny when you are high and myself as well as alot of people I know tend to try and find another partner…your mind plays tricks on you again no excuse..and unlike alot of drugs the addiction is mental so when you run out you always want more at the moment which leads to careless spending and getting drugs fronted that people wont want to pay back after…signs you can look for in user are constantly runny or stuffy nose obviously..another is jaw grinding or alot of fidgeting with your hands…its hard to explain but I think u get it…paranoia and nervous ticks like picking at facial hair our other signs…I can say distancing because there are many issues that cause this…running out or disappearing in a sour of the moment another..there are others I’m sure but you ladies that have dealt with this keep your head up…you are the strong ones that try to keep to family together and take care of the kids…your strength is what makes you special and will help you move forward …you didnt cause this…I’ve done this life and cocaine isnt a drug people do to deal with depression…dont EVER sacrifice yourself for someone else’s habits..if they want help they will get it..u cant help someone that doesnt want it but please keep your head held high.

[rfr]

Can I ask you if the drug makes u so numb that u really forget or you choose not to deal with your responsibilities or life?or is it shame ? It’s too much for me to expect him to ever call ? Is it that he was living a double life that has now been blown out of control? When sober minded he was ok but as soon as u get out to take the drugs it’s a whole other person? So now wherever / whoever around him has him so well kept with a ready supply of drugs that his mind doesn’t have time to think of the mess that he has made.

I have to thank this forum though because it really helps me to push forward knowing that this is a global thing and I’m not alone.

[Author]

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