[kittenmitten]

My husband is a cocaine addict. His behaviour has ruined our relationship and to an extent his relationship with our son.

During lockdown his addiction went up massively. From being a weekend thing to a daily thing. Now his usage means that a typical weekend is just him staying up all Friday night and sleeping all Saturday (like 6am till 8pm or worse not getting up till sunday). He uses during the week sometimes before he gets home at 4pm (I feel its because he is so tired he can’t even drive without it).

He seems to be able to manage working with an addiction and earns good money. And so far apart from completely destroying our marriage the outcomes of his addiction seem more physical than life changing. He blames our marriage breakdown on me and my son and I think he also blames us for him taking cocaine in the first place because his life was so awful.

This week he decided to quit taking cocaine and we are now on day 4 sober. I am feeling lost as to how to approach it all. Leave him alone, try and talk to him or try to get him to get real help?

He seems to want to do it alone and tell no one about it. He thinks he can do it. I personally don’t think he can. What’s more I don’t even trust him about it and can’t help but think he is just trying to take a week off, let his nose heal up prove to himself that if he can stop for a week he must be OK and then he can carry on taking cocaine again. He has said all this before and invariably then blamed his relapse on me. I am tired if it but I wish with all my heart that this time it will be different.

Is it possible to quit cocaine without some kind of help or is he destined to repeat this cycle without it?

[danman83]

Hey there, I hope you are OK. I’m 10 weeks clean from cocaine now.

1st off you are not to blame for any of this! His relapses or all his own fault. We chose to take the drug not you. There is emotional, mental, physical relapse. Emotional is were we start arguments with our partners as an excuse to use. We might not even want to use but your brain is that clever its planing ahead for a relapse if this makes sense. This could be what he means by blaming you for the relapse.

The problem is with being on good money, you buy more, and side effects or worse. I had to quit because of the come downs and feeling suicidal and depressed for days. They are horrendous.

I’ve tried everything to quit, hypnotist, no alcohol, locking phone away and so on.

But the 1st this he needs to do, 1st is.. he needs to want to quit for himself and is determined. Then he needs delete all dealers numbers out his phone, all people he uses with even family. Delete Facebook, insta and all others if he is on. As you can message dealers on there. He needs to avoid places he has used drugs and avoid were he has met dealers for drugs, as this is a trigger to use. I have bought 2 safes and my gf use to lock my phone and car keys away early Friday and Saturday. Its about limiting the ways of getting it. He cant drink ever again if he doesn’t want to use coke. Alcohol is the main trigger to get coke. I can’t ever have a drink again or I’ll use.

He needs to change his daily routine around now and take up hobbies or activities to keep him busy.. Decorate, gym, walks, play with kids, read. Anything he wants.

I also listen to addiction recover stories and podcast on you tube these help me a lot.

I did all this and it kept me clean for a while. But what’s really helping me now is I joined CA anonymous, I got a sponsor and I’m working the 12 steps. I’ve never felt so happy. I feel like I’m getting my life back. There are online meetings on zoom. He doesn’t need to speak at 1st if he doesn’t want to. Just listen. You get other addicts numbers and talk each day and it helps you in your recovery. Trust me this works!!

You ask is possible to quit without some sort of help. Id say he could get a few week in maybe a month then his head will tell him he’s OK now.. He can have 1 drink it won’t hurt him.. Then it’s back to coke.

Your brain tricks you even a year later. It’s like having a devil on your shoulder. With CA you have the tools and people to help you each day and a good support network.

Tell him it’s not all about god aswell. People get put off by this. Feel free to ask me anything

[kittenmitten]

Thanks for you reply Danman. You set out really nicely the steps that have helped you. I think what worries me most is just how much cocaine use pervades his workplace. His boss is banned from driving this year due to drink driving but I suspect it was cocaine drink driving and when I suggested it to my husband he didn’t deny it. But still he doesn’t think his boss has a problem as this is all just so normal in his circle of peers.

My husbands good friend deals him cocaine. They have been friends for 15 years. During our marriage my husband has gone through various ups and downs with what I thought was drinking. Looking back I can see it was related to cocaine but he was such a good liar and I guess i just loved him and believed it all.

I just feel this is never going away unless like you said he completely wipes it all from his life – including work, friends and dealers that are related to it. I also think like you that as drinking seemed to be where it all started he probably has to stop that too. But without selling our house and starting again I can’t see it happening! Such a nightmare.

When i try to talk to him about it my suggestions are taken as a lecture and he says he is sick of these interventions! It makes me want to just give up but he has no real friends and he won’t talk to his family. Both his mum and dad have passed away so even the family he has is not close to him.

I wish he would reach out and get formal help from the doctor etc and atleast then I could begin to feel like we were going in the right direction. It is so hard to not come across as being forceful towards him and getting into a fight. I know you are right that he has to do this for himself but sometimes I wonder if he cares enough about himself to actually do that.

[danman83]

Il be honest with you, coke is everywhere now, and all walks of life are taking it. My sister knows a drug Councillor and she was dealing with a Ryan Air Pilot who was bad on coke.

It’s gonna be hard to break that friendship with his mate. I get that. I guess he just has to hit his rock bottom.. And say enough is enough now I want it out my life no matter what now.

My last relapse on boxing day, I felt depressed for 4 days, my anxiety was through the roof and my heart was pounding for 4 days. I just had enough and I can’t live like that, I’m 37 do I want to be doing this in 10 years time?

Your suggestions are not lectures, I wish my gf was like this. She will go ape shit if I’ve used and be in a mood for days.

I don’t know if you already have. But just sit down have an amicable conversation ask him does he want to stop and does he want help? Then come up with a plan.

Also that you care about him and don’t want anything bad happen to him. Which I’m sure you have said all this. But it all comes down to him. What he wants to do. Some people have to have heart attacks, or be made homeless or overdose to see sence. It’s not good at all if his mate sells it. Some one close to me does it, can’t say on here. But I’ve told them don’t contact me, and I dnt drive past theirs.

[kittenmitten]

Its already started – his back track from being sober. He comes home and tells me he wants to invite his friend (the drug dealer) and wife to dinner tomorrow. I don’t want this friend in our house – I have made it clear before. I am not comfortable and I don’t want my son being friendly with this man. This is an old fight and I know my husband knows how I feel – let alone the fact we are in lockdown so we are not allowed to have people over – another thing i know my husband knows I would not be OK with.

When I talk to him he acts like I am being controlling but its to start an argument. This is so frustrating. But to be expected I guess.

Sometimes you just feel like screaming at them but it wouldn’t do any good!!! Aaaaaaaaasrrrrgggvhhh

[danman83]

If his mate does come for tea, and you have a drink, then he will want some coke. I can just have 1 sip of alcohol and I’m craving coke.

Your not controlling at all, you just care for him and it effects everyone else.

So are you gonna have him round then? Lol

What does his gf say about him selling it? I bet she’s not bothered because of the money he makes.

[kittenmitten]

We will see what happens tomorrow but i hope they don’t turn up. He is currently grumping around the house with a face that looks permanently scowling. I can only make myself clear and explain why I don’t like it.

I asked if his friends wife knows about it and he says yes she does. Who knows if thats true though.

I have been made to feel uncomfortable in my own house many times this year with his drug use in the house and cleaning up his mess. I am not stopping him going to their house and tbh he would have a much better time than if they came here as it would be the most uncomfortable dinner on record!

[danman83]

I know he might aswell go there’s.

But I guess you could video it for come dine with me lol

But it’s gonna be hard for you with him being with his mate who sells it. He will never get away from it. The 1st thing an addict who wants to quit is delete there dealers num.

I suggest if your staying with him. Makesure he pays all the bills you share 1st so you don’t get in debt, leave him to it if he’s not prepared to quit, and you just start going out with your mates and try and not be worried, you will make your self ill.

[heartbroken88]

Hello, I just wanted to reply to your post. I could relate hugely. I just found out in January that my husband has secretly been taking cocaine heavily. It was a huge shock. Our marriage was in decline and I had no idea it was drugs. We started a family and I thought he was struggling with that (we went through a lot). He blames me for everything including saying it is ‘escapism’ from our marriage. It’s so hurtful. Not long after I found out he cut us off in every way possible and has been so vile and nasty. It is a living hell.

I’ve told my family as I’ve had to move back near to them and they are completely shocked too. He too has a good income and job which is why I never knew about money going missing etc .

I sort of backed him into a corner in how I found out – after a particularly nasty incident he took cash out of my purse, a friend suggested drugs – by this point I was desperate to understand why his behaviour was as bad as it was (two years of decline!) so I researched addiction/ drug use and our lives were textbook to it. So I threatened him with a hair test to prove it. Of course he said I was crazy as it’s what he likes me and his family to think. I don’t think he would have told me otherwise.

I’ve left him and started divorce proceedings. I’m devastated though. We had such a good life with it all to live for. He has seen a GP who has referred him to help and he has apparently started that but it’s taken months / weeks to get to a first appointment which is all virtual and I think he still thinks it’s not that much of a big deal. Like it’s a problem but not horrific. He has become more rational now but we had about 5 weeks of nothing from him – except really really bad behaviour, constant blaming me/ violent/ abusive/ depressive – I don’t know if was because he stopped taking it and maybe now he is calmer because he is back on it. It’s so hard. He has the means to go into a rehab (I know this isn’t always right, I just think he could benefit mentally) but hasn’t and it seems to be not a huge deal that he is getting help. Certainly not trying to convince me or anything – when to me it should be the biggest thing so he can eventually have a relationship with his children again.

He definitely doesn’t think he is an addict because despite telling me he was using every other day (worse since lockdown too) he can apparently go weeks (apparently 3 weeks once late last year) without it too.

Can you ever ever trust/ rebuild with someone like this. I’m devastated as it’s not the man I married. He really is a monster.

I hope you are ok. It’s so hard to talk to anyone who understands.

[kittenmitten]

The vile and nasty behaviour was a common occurence just after I found out also. It was his way of ending conversations. My husband made me so angry at times that I felt suicidal. Even now when I talk to him I aim to be calm and I try to be calm but I can feel my heart racing like I am in fight or flight mode.

Due to lock down I had no other choice but to spend the year still living together. Before lockdown I had found a new job and was making steps to move on financially but the job fell through due to the fact that I am 100% responsible for looking after our son.

In a way the year has mellowed me but the damage is probably already done. I have no idea if I could ever fully trust him again but part of me still holds onto hope that my son will have a dad as he grows up.

The alternatives of divorce bring in whole new awful stressful things and top of my list is what happens to our son. Right now my husband spends time with him when he is awake, it is nothing like a normal family life and we haven’t been out for a year! Still they play some video games and because I don’t ask my husband to do anything else he is coping. Before now I worked on Saturday mornings and it created a nightmare. Now I know it was because he hadn’t slept so he was being awful to our son. It was horrible. I would never let that happen again. It has effected our sons behaviour.

I feel until my husband fully submits to finding treatment and proves that he is serious I will assume he is just on the road to relapse. I am going to try not to get drawn into it though. Before now I would be looking for evidence and spending time analysing his voice etc. All I can do now is tell him that I am here when he is ready. And make no promises to him. I try to remember the me I was when I met him. I would have run a mile from someone who treated me like he has. So until I see someone who treats me how I deserve to be treated I will leave him to his own devices.

Good luck with your own situation, having family who you can talk to is so important. I think I lost myself for a while keeping it secret and this year I have decided to share more with friends and family and it gives me strength.

[heartbroken88]

I am so sad to read this as I can again relate. I don’t know who I am either and like you I would never ever have let myself be treated this way but somehow I’m waking up every morning in this nightmare.

I had to take myself out of our marriage. Due to not only lock down my husband had isolated us completely (I understand why now) and I had no support network living hundreds of miles from my own family with two children under 2.

My husband too would be present physically but showed limited interest and boredom in spending any time with our children and would avoid me and family time at all costs. Usually saying he was working etc I now know he wasn’t just working.

It is a horrid situation to be in in this climate. I have very dark days myself. My husbands family have cut me and our children off – seeing me as the trouble maker I think because I stand up to him/ them and won’t stand for the behaviour or acceptance – just because he is holding down a job doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem. I’ve had to live with this jeckyl and Hyde monster

. I’ve also had to put in measures such as divorce and social services in place to protect us because of my husbands temper. The drink goes hand in hand with this also.

We would constantly argue – although it was always me who caused it being a nag and I just can’t have my children in that environment anymore – I left before I knew about the cocaine. And I felt so so guilty for doing so because I had no concrete reason – except for it just wasn’t working and I got the impression my husband just wanted to be a single man.

Again it always looks like I am the bad guy and the guilt and questioning myself is unbearable at times because I look like the one making the ‘drama’.

It’s reassuring to hear that the pattern of behaviour is common amongst users in so much that it helps me see that it isn’t me. But it’s really hard to accept. I don’t want to get divorced but my husband has become so vile, so angry and so horrible to me that some of the things he has said done and accused me of I just don’t think we can ever recover from. It would have been very different if he had told me and told me he wanted help and gone about getting that help without going even further of the rails.

[kittenmitten]

There is that feeling that as they are holding down jobs and providing for their family then where is the real problem? I think sometimes people don’t really believe me about it. My own mum was actually not helpful. She thought I just needed to not let him go out, to not accept this behaviour. Then she went on to suggest that perhaps I should have given more time to him when we had our son.

I didn’t tell her the extent of how his addiction progressed during lockdown because I just didn’t feel heard by her when I talked about what the last few years had been like.

The progression of addiction is the hard part. To start with its just a weekend and you feel annoyed but its just boys being boys… then its once a month… once a week… every day. And it looks like binge drinking also because the start is just seemingly massive hangovers and terrible mood. But then the lies started.

For now I do try not to be so negative about the situation. It helps me think about it rationally. I have also found that if I ask nothing of him then he can actually be OK. So we let him sleep all weekend and we get on with our own life around him. I act like a single mum really. And my sons behaviour has been better since doing this also, although I can see its not healthy but I try to reassure him when my husbands mood effects us all.

I think about what if he was clean – what would that look like. Like your husband he has spent the last few years doing less and less with us. He wouldn’t even go to the park and insisted it was just so boring, that we were so boring. He ruined family days out and family holidays were a nightmare. I don’t know if he was sober would he just not want to do these things anyway. Who knows.

I have been watching YouTube videos that have helped me see past his behaviour. That jekyll and Hyde thing. I also found them useful in using language that is not confrontational but I fail at it a lot of the time! Mostly I just watch them to remind me that I am not to blame for any of this. The channel is ‘put the shovel down’ if you want to have a look x

[danman83]

Listening to you how you say you just leave him in bed at the weekends and you do your own thing. Is exactly what happened to me. Not all the time, but a lot. It broke me abit to how it was effecting my kids and me in bed at the weekend all day Saturday when I should be playing with them. A lot of the time I forced my self up and wasn’t fully functioning. Another reason I had to stop. And I have to think of this if I get the urge to use.

P. S you are not to blame for any of this. I had this debate with a mate the other day. I said do we blame Morrisons for selling me alcohol if it turns me into an alcoholic?

I know people will debate this. Is it a drug dealers fault we take drugs. I’ve never really had a dealer force drugs on to me. It was all my choice.

[kittenmitten]

I have been gathering myself mentally and financially for the last year luckily. I have been letting him pay more of the bills and contributing less so that I save money in my own account. I told him this so as not to hide the fact. Again another step I have taken to feel calmer as when I found out we had no savings and my options just seemed bleak. I hope coming out of lockdown restrictions my options will be easier. Whatever I chose to do.

Its good to hear what you felt about the sleeping all weekend. I see it in him also. He wants to get up and play games with our son and when he does get up he is good with him. If I had tried to get him up we would have had hours of grumpyness and chaos and him telling my son that he is always allowed to get his own way – usually in response to the fact my son wants to play with him and he doesn’t so my son plays up in response.

I do find it hard how to talk to my son about it. I tell him that daddy is not well. I remind him that sleeping all day is not normal and that his dads behaviour is because he is unwell and not because of us.

The other day my son said to me that daddy sleeps all day because of me. So I’m not really getting through to him or explaining well so far I guess.

[danman83]

It’s a funny one with kids they pick up on things eventually. My kids just thought I was drunk in bed.

Hopefully he comes round soon, am sure you are.. But just keep reminding him he’s missing out on his son and making good memories. Is it worth it for coke? The way I had to look at it is.. I spend say from 6pm Friday till 6am sat morn, off my head, feeling great for the 1st hour or 2, then edgy, paranoid, anxiety depressed, then I had to sleep all day, feel shit after that again. Is it really worth it when my kids need me. Obviously it is hard as it is an addiction and disease, but the more we change are way of thinking the easier it will be to stop.

[heartbroken88]

It sounds like you have thought a lot about your position. Thank you for the info on what you have been researching.

It is so hard to be in this situation- and I feel for you that you are getting on with life with your son almost without him – this is exactly what I felt I was doing but I didn’t know he was using. So I never ever kept my cool with him. Constant arguments because he was resisting me highlighting his responsibilities he was neglecting – just turned me into being a ‘nag’ etc. There is no getting through to them until they want to do it for themselves.

I wish I’d done what you had done and gathered myself financially. I don’t work due to our children being so young. Though I have a career which I put on hold to have our family. So I was financially dependent on my husband.

Once he turned nasty he cut me and the children off financially too. He really didn’t care either and was quite pleased with himself because it was the only thing he had to use/ hurt me with. I had to start applying for benefits (which I have never done) and my family kept us in shopping and meals. He has destroyed every relationship through his nastiness. I don’t understand what is the drug and what is my husband because I think he has always been a bit selfish but to go from doting on his much younger siblings and nieces and nephews so to basically neglecting his own children is incomprehensible to me.

My family are of the opinion it can’t just be the drug to be so vile and abandon us. But we know nothing about drugs or addiction. And I feel too that I can’t or could never forgive him for his behaviour.

My children are so young they don’t know any different and they barely know him – they know his face but he has never done more than be physically present when absolutely necessary- he has never really played with them, or read to them or taught them anything. I feel like I need to protect them from him before they too get hurt and let down by him. They already have been but they don’t know that.

It’s so tough, you sound strong. It’s something everyone tells me but I don’t feel it. I was really lonely with my husband because we were constantly against each other he would be in a separate part of the house from me of an evening, but I knew he was there. Now I’m on my own completely and it’s hard. Because you think of the good and not all the misery. And I think because I know it’s drugs now part of me wants or hopes he will miraculously be cured and I get the man I married back. It is so hard to accept.

[icarus-trust]

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing your story. So glad that you have found this forum which gives people lots of support. if you would like some more support please contact us at Icarus Trust. we are a charity that offers support to people going through what you are as we know how hard it is for families living with the impact of addiction. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with if you feel that it might help.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

[kittenmitten]

Safe to assume my husbands sobriety didn’t last past 5/6 days. His mood which was awful on day 4/5 shifted to ok and that just doesn’t seem to be what I am reading about cocaine withdrawal. So I am assuming he is using in small amounts atleast. I will see this weekend if he sleeps all weekend or not. Thankfully he didn’t bring his friend to dinner so I can sigh a relief there!

Perhaps this whole thing was something work related as he has given up drinking before now when he was in trouble there.

Meanwhile this week my son is starting to refuse to go to school. Could be lockdown related. Could be mood related or, and this is what I was worried about, it is related to the crazy year he has just been witness to. I will be helping the school towards getting him happily back into the class room, he has managed today to go in and play. I can’t help thinking that the next few months are going to be hard. I really think I need to start looking at talking to the gp myself about the situation but I’m quite worried what will happen when I do.

[danman83]

I’m not to sure I understand that 1st bit.. But are you saying you think he has used because day 4 he was moody.. Then next day he’s OK?

This does happens we’re i use Saturday feel depressed for days, up to Wed or thur then am OK, then I use again Fri or Sat. Like 1 big vicious circle. But I don’t know if he has or not. Maybe you can see signs. Definitely 1 is staying up all night.

How old is your son? Lockdown has effected us all I’m feeling down and fed up.

What do u want to talk to your gp about.. Your son? Or husband? Or it all?

[kittenmitten]

Maybe I could be reading it wrong then. I felt like I would see snapping and agitation as the week went on but it stopped and he has been more normal. I have seen him use during the week before where he seems to take a little but can still sleep – and that was how he was managing to remain in his job.

Perhaps I should be more optimistic. Its like even if I try not to I am looking for signs of him taking cocaine – however small. Its because he lied about things for so long I think.

My son is 8. I am feeling guilty with the thing of him not wanting to go to school. Like it is my fault for not leaving my husband and that by staying I have allowed mental harm to come to him from all the arguments etc. Of course there could be so many reasons for his anxeity so who knows. If his school refusal keeps happening then I think I have no choice to relay my fears to the gp because atleast then we can make a plan to help him.

[kittenmitten]

I talked to my husband about our son and I said what he needs right now is some normality and for my husband to be available to him.

He takes it as me controlling his life apparently and started an argument. Honestly this is us right now and my son is in the middle of it.

Guess same thing happens to couples who are in divorce proceedings. I cant remember the last time I sat and had a sensible conversation with him. These days it ends in him telling me I am controlling, its my way or the highway, I twist things, I’m blaming him, this is why he turned to drugs in the first place. He said all that and all I wanted was to talk about our son and the fact that his anxeity and mot wanting to go to school should be our priority.

[danman83]

It’s an easy way to say your controlling when all you want is a civilised conversation. My gf does that a hell of a lot with me. Even over the littlest things she says that.

What a shite excuse that is for turning to drugs. Its our own faults why we turned to them. Take no notice. Your doing the right thing with your son. What do you want out of all this if u don’t mind me asking?

[kittenmitten]

I talked to my husband about our son and I said what he needs right now is some normality and for my husband to be available to him.

He takes it as me controlling his life apparently and started an argument. Honestly this is us right now and my son is in the middle of it.

Guess same thing happens to couples who are in divorce proceedings. I cant remember the last time I sat and had a sensible conversation with him. These days it ends in him telling me I am controlling, its my way or the highway, I twist things, I’m blaming him, this is why he turned to drugs in the first place. He said all that and all I wanted was to talk about our son and the fact that his anxeity and mot wanting to go to school should be our priority.

[danman83]

To be honest I’m just giving u an idea how it was for me and with people I know, your husband could be different. Your right he could just have a little bit and go sleep. But it wouldn’t be straight away.

Loss of appetite is a major sign as well. When u are using you can’t eat anything.

I don’t blame you my gf is the same still thinking I’m trying to use. And I don’t blame you. It will take time.

Just try an focus on your son for now, don’t mean to be rude but he’s more important at this time. And with being 8 they sence things.

[kittenmitten]

I want my husband to get sober so he can be a good dad. Thats what I would love. What I don’t know is what our relationship would look like. I have lost sight of what is him and what is cocaine talking to me and he has put me through a lot of crap.

We have been married 15 years, together 17 years and for a lot of that time we have been happy. But recent years have been so hard I can’t tell if I would want a relationship or not if he was sober. When I didn’t know it was an addiction I thought he was just being a bad dad and a terrible husband because he no longer loved me. I tried to be a better wife at first and then afterwards I just shut him out. I couldn’t put up with the ups and downs. When I finally found out he was taking cocaine heavily it was almost a relief to understand what had really been going on but I soon realised he was not going to stop and it felt like he died. He stopped hiding it and just got nasty towards me. I tried many times to get him to get help over this year and all he did was fall further into his addiction.

Maybe he has lost himself as well. He probably doesn’t really know how to parent an 8 year old at the moment and he has definitely forgotten how to be a husband, its almost like he doesn’t know me any more. His anger about our son today is probably his own fear about the situation. He wants things kept secret and any suggestion from me about him talking to family have always been met with him getting very angry.

I want him to tell family and friends about needing to get sober, I want him to go to the gp and I want him to make more of a plan and look for ways to stay sober. I guess for us to have any chance of a relationship after all this I feel like I need to be part of the plan to get sober. Maybe that’s wrong but its how I feel.

[danman83]

I did the same with my gf. Put her through some stuff that I’m not proud of. It just turns you into a different person.

So when did this using start? And how old was he?

He probably feels ashamed if he tells the family which I can understand, but it’s common now, really common in afraid to say.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing if you want to stay and help him. It shows you want to make it work, but he will have to put the effort in.

Maybe make him aware its not a bad thing to admit you have a problem. It’s a good thing actually. Because then we can fix it and get our life’s back. Some people are just stuck in a rut and can’t get help or want help, and don’t believe certain things will work. They just need a good push in the right direction. Has he no brothers or sisters that know or you could talk to? Don’t if it would cause problems though.

[kittenmitten]

I think that being at a stage where recovery could be a thing is new to me. Its what is making me anxious. My expectations of how it should go and what he should be like. I think I have researched the part about addiction loads. I know all the signs and the behaviour etc but I haven’t really looked into recovery.

I am going to take this week to try and read more and find help for me. I think expecting him to be remorseful is probably where I am going wrong, and might even be making him feel worse.

Tonight I am going to cook a family dinner and talk about nothing related to this stuff. Thats what my son needs. We don’t eat together usually as my husband is never hungry in the evening from cocaine use and I got sick of throwing away food I made for him.

Later we can see where we are at with everything else. I think struggling with whether to let him back into my life is probably hardest. Almost like I have felt better when I shut him out and also felt that it was better for us all. But it isn’t the answer.

[danman83]

There are loads of videos on you tube about recovery. They help me alot.

It’s probably a good idea just have a meal and have no talk about that stuff. It will just drain you both keep going on about it.

I know what your saying about shutting him out isn’t the answer. You do have to work at relationships. Plus I have thought a lot about if it was my gf doing exactly what I did? How mad I would be, would I stay with her?.

I guess I don’t know that answer until it did happen. But I would stick around as she has helped me, and took me back twice. But also I’ve been wanting to quit for years and Im always coming up with solutions to stop.

[kittenmitten]

To answer my own question – no you can’t give up cocaine by yourself without a plan and with friends that are also drug dealers 🙂

I want to scream at him but I know it will fall on deaf ears and all he will do is be nasty to me and make me even angrier.

I just wish I never listened to him in the first place. Every time it is the same. When do you give up trying to be supportive and just let them get on with it? I don’t want to give up but I cant keep doing this.

My son was so happy yesterday to have a family dinner and I know that’s what he needs – some normality – but tonight my husband says he can’t see the point of playing happy families because I am only willing to accept him as tee total. Then he went out and got high. Apparently he was never giving up totally but the fact that he could stop for just over a week proves that he doesn’t have a problem.

[danman83]

Ye you can’t give up if your mates are dealers lol unless you shut them off.

You asked when do you give up being supportive? I think he has just given you your answer.. That he can’t play happy families because you want him tea total.

So he obviously doesn’t want to quit, you can’t make him to quit.

So the only options you have, stay with him and accept it, untill he hits his rock bottom and is prepared to quit. You just go do your thing have fun with your friends and child and leave him to his own devices.

Or just leave and move on with your own life. That’s the only way I can see it.

What are your thoughts on what he said about not playing happy families.

[kittenmitten]

I talked to him briefly this morning because I could see that last night he did infact just have a small amount and didn’t do the usual staying up all night. He was up at 11am which is very early for him. Recently Saturdays have been him sleeping all day till atleast 5pm if not longer.

His ‘happy family’ comment I feel is his way of justifying using coke. He always talks about how rubbish his life is anyway. If only he could see now that his life is rubbish not because its rubbish but because the consequences of taking coke are making it rubbish. But I think he sinks into a depression that says fml I may aswell take cocaine because its the only thing that’s good.

Maybe his journey to sobriety is going to be a bit of fail and try again. It is hard not to jump on fail part but I have to look to the positives. He is up and playing roblox with our son and that is different.

Thanks danman for all your responses. I am feeling like coming on here stops me saying the wrong thing to my husband because when I talk to him after typing what I feel I am already calmer and ready to be helpful rather than judging towards him.

[danman83]

A lot of uses think like that. It’s just your addictive brain thinking there is nothing else to do or better. It’s just an excuse to use. Plus when your stuck in a rut it’s hard to get out of it and everything is just negative thinking.

Just keep coming on here talking it helps everyone and will help you.

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