[hw12]

Hi have posted on here before as this is the only place i can really be honest about what is happening. My partner is looking for somewhere to live and our relationship has come to an end. He admitted to a problem with cocaine at xmas, apparently been using for 10 years+. He says hes clean now but i do not know when he has lied so many times to me.

I have stood by him, tried to understand even tho i hate the stuff. Got him to drs hes on antidepressants as he was so low and really bad anxiety in evenings. Which has calmed down now. He was going to support group, he went 3 times and stopped. These were things he was doing to try and show me he was serious about stopping. Hes took money out of my bag the other night when i was in bed only £20 and drove my car uninsured at 1am to apparently get scratch cards? Am i being stupid?

He is a shell of the man he once was. He sleeps all day long, the other day it was 23degrees and i took the children out he didnt get up till 9pm. Hes always looking for an argument, his comments are hurtful. Hes turned into a slob.

A year ago this man (who will have been using at the time) was the most loving, kind, loyal hard working man. He was my best friend, now im slowly starting to hate what hes turned into. Is it possible he is clean and behaving like this?

[ash2013]

Hi,

I’m sorry you are going through this too, so much of what you say resonates with me and will with others on this forum.

Can you give us a timeline of his alleged stop point etc. My husband has been clean for 5 months, but I have plenty of experience (unfortunately) of him not being so. I know the signs and I’m so tuned in to him, I can tell by his voice on the phone, or his tone in a text sometimes, the language he uses changes! If he’s in detox mode then there will be a good period of time when he’s lethargic, snappy etc.

The only way you can tell for sure is to test him. If he’s clean he shouldn’t have an issue with you doing this, if he’s not he’ll get angry, blame you for daring to ask like you dont trust him (tbf you have every right not to trust him).

There’s a vast difference between someone who uses occassionally and an addict, and once you are addicted you are a different person from the one who used every now and then for fun. He’s probably got to the point that he’s been using to maintain normal now.

You arent alone, look after you! You deserve a life too x

[girlinthesticks]

I am in the same position. I managed to split from my partner two years ago, after 10 years of dealing with the highs/lows, the lies, the huge amounts of money spent on cocaine which then came with huge anxiety and depressive episodes, and everything becoming my fault.

We now have shared child care responsibilities which during the last couple of years, has consisted of him spending weekends with the children.

Now covid has struck, he has now been furloughed and now i have to see him each week and hand over my children, and I still have an underlying fear as to whether he takes drugs, or is coming down from them when he has the children.

I also, thought it was a bit of fun at first when we got together, and stupidly I thought I may be able to save him from his addiction to cocaine and weed.

I have realised you can only help people when they want to be helped.

Legally, I would like to know where I stand in relation to allowing him access, and procedures that can be in place to protect my children when in his care?

[ash2013]

Hi Girlinthesticks,

I’m no solicitor, but I would presume that you can deny access if he is using drugs. It would be irresponsible of any court to make a child spend time with an addict. You know as well as I do that they are irrational and can be irresponsible.

I’m not in the same boat as I’m still with my husband and he is clean, but part of the reason I stayed when it was bad was the fear of what might happen if we split up and he had contact.

When he was using I was literally like a single parent anyway, I couldn’t even ask him to collect her after school in case he was high, and I never went out for an evening, even a for a short time, because the irrational fear of what could happen if I wasn’t there and he was in sole charge consumed me, there was no point going anywhere, so I just became the sole caregiver. So I can understand your worries.

Have a chat with a solicitor, they’ll mostly do free consultations, then you will have a clearer view of your rights.

Sending hugs x

[louise1505]

I’d love to know this too iv cut ties with my ex but no doubt wen he gets his head of his back side he will demand to see the kids before he disappears again – id like To know my rights can I stop him – if he takes me to court wat will be done how can I prove he has drug problems etc xx

[dot]

Well its hard to get 20 pounds worth of coke. The bigger picture is the destructive behaviour that is the big sign. If you know what hes like and hes not right usually instinct is right. The behaviour gets worse trust me I know. I’ve found clarity and peace in myself as I’ve displayed patterns like this when I was caught in it.

If you are unsure test him.do not give him money regardless of the situation. Do not lend him your car do not enable him in any way.

If the test comes back positive then you have to create a plan what’s going to make you happy and what’s best moving forward.

[ash2013]

I was going to say you wouldnt get coke for £20. Although I’m sure its possible if thats all you have?

Dot is right, his head is clearer now and he can see what his behaviour was like, when he was in it…. not a clue right Dot?

[dot]

Well its easy to try and hide your use if no one is questioning you on it.

The confrontation starts when you question and the blame gets out on the opposite person. The problem is the user knows his worlds is crashing down and goes into defensive and cant help themselves out. Well they can it’s just the dont want too. The defensive mode can last for years so yeah.

And what you mean not a clue lol

[dot]

Just read it back. Yes I never knew how I was acting. Explosive unreal comments that are hurtful and nasty. Belittling comments its horrible I batter myself every day for the way I acted as I’m not like that. Dont feel sorry for them though it can leave mental scars etc.

[hw12]

My partner is exactly like this, the hurtful comments. So many things that he has said that have caused me so much hurt. I dont know alot only what iv read online but he told me had been addicted for over 10 years, i think maybe he has been clean like he said but using before made him feel more normal. As awful as it sounds when he was using he was a much nicer person than what im dealing with now even tho all the time we have been together he has always had days in bed, sometimes sleeps for 18 hours. And his comments have always been nasty but back then he used to fee awful about them after and bed for my forgiveness. Now he’s absolutely emotionless!

[ash2013]

And there you go, its not you. You are not that person really. I want kids to be educated on this evil drug, its glamourised and it honestly shouldn’t be.

[kel1]

It’s heartbreaking, especially reading the last bit of your comment as my now ex partner of 22 years was once a lovely, loyal hard working man. He is nothing like the person he was.

That drug is lethal and the more I read about it and how it destroys people and their families the more upset I become.

I cannot comprehend what’s happened to me since Xmas 2019. I wish I could change things and get my life back but I can’t – that drug took my life away. My ex ended up going home with a stranger having unprotected sex, then came home and lied to my face. He was never like that. We was always his priority and his world.

My heart has been shattered – I still have nightmares. Even as I’m writing this tears fall. How did this all happen? COCAINE – devil drug and you’re right more awareness around this drug needs to be out there.

I don’t even know how to recover from the crap I’ve been put thru.

Somehow I have to finally let go, as I know that man no longer exists and now that is really hard.

I would hope that it’s the drug causing the behaviour and not him if that makes sense. Although, I’ve read that the brain can be damaged – even so far as permanent. I think mine is still using as he is still blaming me for all that’s wrong in his life. I even got told it was my fault he cheated and my fault he used drugs.

[dot]

Sat here listening to smooth radio reading these comments.

It’s so horrible the effects it has. The torture it causes etc. I do believe awareness is very important going forward as 1 in 3 people apparently have tried this drug. They think its socially acceptable now. I’ve made a decision that I’m not going in pubs when they reopen. I’d rather take someone out for a meal. But I will not trigger mysekf

The brain damage usually in most cases is reversible I’ve read alot on this. But yes I’m saying if I can do it anyone can because I was spending about 180 every day on it. Dont know who saved me but I thought I was a lost cause but ik doing it and will do.

I wish you luck I honestly do

[hw12]

Hi everyone thank you for your comments, i have just finally sat down to read them all after a very long day. I have made the decision to ask my partner to move out, it not something i have decided on lightly. Our relationship has been off ever since i found out he was using in December even though i have tried my hardest to fully support him. Hes not the man i fell in love with and that breaks my heart…in a way it feels like hes died. I dont like the person i am and how im reacting to situations because of him. I cant remember ever feeling this much stress and strain in my every day life. Hes like a leach, whos sucking everything out of me. He calls me names, does nothing but sleep all day, hes snappy with my children. Hes sneaky and dishonest. Whether hes takings cocaine at the moment or if hes clean like he says he is. I dont want to spend anymore time trying to shield my kids from all this negativity. Having a conversation with his mum for the first time today, she told me she has seen him like this before and he was using in 2012 and thats why he doesnt have contact with his own daughter ( he told me another reason). He owes drug dealers alot of money aswell. Its just never ending. The trust and respect have well and truly gone.

[kittenmitten]

I think it is so hard not to question and not feel able to trust after he has lied to you. The lies my husband told me made me turn into someone I don’t really like. In the end the way I found out he was taking cocaine was looking through his messages and bank statements. The fact is he lied about the money and I believed him – he would be lending it to a mate, spending it on fruit machines, losing his wallet. When he was late home he didn’t text because he ran out of battery, he didn’t realise the time, he thought he had told me… oh and when none of those lies worked he told me it was because there is no point coming home to me when all I give him is a hard time.

The fact is he has had to become a very good liar. I wonder if he even knows the truth these days. Over lock down he has got worse in his cocaine useage. During my talk with him 2 weeks ago I told him to look at himself. He looks thin and unhealthy. I told him that his drug abuse was so obvious to everyone. I said it to try and get him to see what was happening to him. The only things I see after that discussion is more lies – taking cocaine during the day so that he could sleep at night instead of sleeping till 5/6pm was the first thing he tried. He pretended that he had stopped but I can tell from his eyes and his speech that he hadn’t. Now he has been eating tubs of icecream (7 tubs in one week) and cakes and cream. I know he is trying to put on weight so that his boss won’t notice his drug use!!!

Honestly it’s funny seeing him and his lies now. Whenever he is high he doesn’t look me in the eyes when he talks to me! he thinks he can hide it even though there is so little point now in him doing that.

Perhaps tests will make you feel more secure and helping him to keep going to meetings I am sure is important. if he is struggling with depression and sleeping all day it is natural that you would be questioning if it’s cocaine use as they are the usual signs. You have to question it and you have to put in boundaries so that you feel safe for your children going forward.

[ash2013]

Kittenmitten,

The ‘excuses’ for not coming home/making contact made me laugh. The nights I have not been able to sleep because he’s gone radio silent, maybe theres a handbook on ‘what excuses to feed your partner when you’re high’ somewhere we arent aware of! And the avoidance of eye contact…. my clean husband now says ‘stop looking at my eyes’ because he’s used to me doing so to tell if he’s high.

Hope you’re doing well x

[hw12]

Thank you for your honesty. I too dont know what is truth and whats is lies. If he’s clean like he states there are so many things with him that dont add up. Nose always runny(claims its hayfever), sleeps all days sometimes 18hours, took money from my bag, goes out at 2am, 4am or goes for a ‘walk’ sometimes at midnight and blames it on me doing something to upset him. He answers phone just says yes or no, no actual flowing conversation, ‘friends’ come outside and pick him up in car go round the block then come back but apparently have come to tell him something. On top of this how he speaks to me is vile, hes snappy and lies about even the smallest things. And im supposed to believe hes clean, but even if he is. I still dont want this behaviour around me and my children hes turned into such a mess its sad really.

[ash2013]

Hw12,

Hate to say it, but it sounds to me like he’s still using.

What is your gut telling you?

I can only go from my experience, and when my husband was coming off coke in the first few weeks he didn’t got to work, he didnt really leave the house, he was recovering, he was tired and lazy, but not snappy, he was depressed and annoyed with himself for having to go through this, he was also remorseful and wanted lots of reassurance from me and our daughter.

Other people may have different experiences.

Here for you if you need me, keep smiling x

[hw12]

Hi ash. You were right i found out my partner is still using. He finally admitted to me he had been clean for a month and has been using almost every day for 4/5 months now. I ignored my gut and all the signs were there.

I have told him to leave, because at xmas i laid everything on the line and he promised me. And i have tried to support him, he lied about going to his sessions. And now He has been lying again and using even more. Im so upset that its come to this, because i love him and care about him so much. But i feel while ever he is here in my home im enabling him to do this. Hes got a comfy bed to sleep 18 hours a day in. He has the money because he barely contributes. I feel sick with him not being here and worry so much that i might have made things worse for his addiction. But i have 2 children at home who have been witnessing his mood swings, and slobbing about and i cant allow it to continue.

[louise1505]

I think there is a handbook somewhere or a secret cult !! They all sound the same it’s so nice in the best possibly way to actually Hear same stories and know I wasn’t just loosing the plot !!

[ash2013]

Louise1505, No you’re not losing the plot, but it feels like you are doesn’t it! Its like being on a fast rollercoaster that never stops.

I’m so glad i’m off it, my husband is 5 months clean of coke after years and years of doing it sometimes recreationally, sometimes daily.

As i’ve been through it and come out the other side (at the moment, i’m not resting on my laurels as I know it could start up again) I’m happy to support anyone through this.

Sending love x

[louise1505]

For now iv just cut ties changed my number he shows little interest in seeing kids and I can’t force him- iv just ordered testing strips wen he does if he does reach out or want to see kids they he won’t have a problem testing if he’s doing nothing wrong if he does he won’t be seeing them and I’m more than happy for him to take me to court ( which he won’t) he has no go in him wat so ever only interested in the job he does and the friends he’s around at the minute and it all relates to coke weed and drink!!xx

[kittenmitten]

I have lain awake at night and gone over scenarios of what if he is dead because of my husband not coming home. As his mood has got worse and his behaviour more horrible I think sometimes what was worry and concern has turned into fantasy. I cant help it. That’s where my brain goes when its 3 in the morning and they haven’t come home. I have to admit to being a little disappointed when he finally turns up. It sounds awful but it’s the truth. And I hate that I feel this way about the man I love.

I used to shout at him I dont want you to be nice I just want you to be normal. It is such a rollercoaster and my emotions are wrecked from it. The whole time you are almost waiting for that explosion and you have to be ready all the time!

[ash2013]

An addict has no clue or concern how their actions bounce onto other people.

My husband occasionally would text me saying he’s getting a taxi home, then 3 hours later he’d still not be home.

Coke makes you incredibly selfish, and totally void of responsibilities or concern for anyone else.

I started seeing a councillor before lockdown, because I realised that my reaction was only affecting me, he didnt give two tosses. I’d love to be able to think ‘f**k it, do what you want, i’m getting on with my life’ but frankly its impossible to react like that when you firstly care about someone’s wellbeing, and secondly fear them.

[louise1505]

Problem is u can’t help someone that won’t help them selves I tried everything with him I mean everything! He just thinks he’s doing nothing wrong until he has a melt down then the next day that’s forgotten his apologies gone and iv imagined the whole thing – I think u will get to the point of getting past caring in a way – I do care for him but I care more for my kids and my mind set and wen he’s ready and if he asks for my help ill help him but I think he needs to hit rock bottom first which could be years away my cousins been going through it 8 years now ! It’s sad he misses so much with kids but wen I say it’s time u won’t get bk it doesn’t seem to effect him at all x

[louise1505]

Same!! I would read new stories about ppl arrested or hurt and think I wish was u to wake u up ! And wen he did turn up feel fed up same shit again! It’s crazy yet they think wen we say u cud be dead or arrested we are silly and they are invincible !!

[dot]

Louise is right if the user doesn’t want to stop they won’t stop..

I’m in a hotel on my own on day 18. I’ve got a long way to go but I had to scrape the bottom. I’m upset and a bit lonely today I’ll be honest because I want to be sat watching a film with my children and doing family things now but I’ve had my chances. I need to face reality.

My ex wife knows I’m trying to change but that doesn’t take my past actions away and she cant trust me. I’ve learnt to come to terms that me and her cant be together again. It hurts yes but I know I’ve got to be better than I was before and nothing will set me back.

She gave me a chance 3months back either drugs or her. Clearly I didnt want to make my choice.

I wouldn’t of changed. You need to cut him off completely till you know yourself he is clean. His words mean nothing now. It’s how his actions show

[louise1505]

My ex is living with a woman who has a coke habit she’s a lot older than him so iv heard so it’s like because he’s got her he’s forgot us the kids I wish he dint have her so it would wake him up but whilst he has he’s trapped in that cycle that life and I can’t do a thing about it x

[dot]

I’ll tell you straight. 2 addicts will end in disaster… imagine 2 dead car batteries. Theres no spark. Now is the time to be concerned about yourself and forget about him it really is

[louise1505]

Yes I am hence y iv changed my number etc this time so I can really cut ties xx

[ash2013]

Agreed Dot, well said.

Louise, look after you, don’t worry about him, he’s made his choice (for the time being) Be strong, you will be fine, happier, less mental torture without him x

[dot]

Its gonna be hard. He will come back one day and you need to remember what hes put you through. He doesn’t deserve you. If you need anything we are all here for you

[louise1505]

Hi iv has an email off my ex saying he doesn’t understand y he has a drug problem he will happy fo tests if needs be but wat are the tests for .. now 4th jan he told me he had issues with coke – now I’m sat questioning myself again – can he be so straight faced to lie to me to manipulate the situation- I duno wat to believe and wat not to! Makes me so angry

[hw12]

Hi, i was on here yesterday in the process of throwing out my partner because of how he was behaving sleeping all the time etc. Swore to me he was clean since xmas. That was his chance.

He left today with no where to go and finally admitted he has been using since February and almost every day £60-100 a day. Can someone tell me if this is alot? Because obviously it sounds alot in money but i have no idea. He said 1/2 gram to a gram.

Im absolutely devastated and i cant believe i didnt know again after last time i must be an absolute idiot for trying to trust he wouldn’t and believing him even though signs were there.

I should have trusted my gut.

I feel so sad not just for me but for him, he actually can not stop. It controls him completely, i didnt know it did but it does.

[louise1505]

Thank you This forum has really helped thanku all xd

[dot]

Basically you can get half a tenth 0.8 for 50 or a teenth for 90 1.7 grams so yeah its alot. That’s what I was on a day before I just stopped. I’m sat her currently with my little boy next to me buzzing because I’m doing it for me and my kids. Its gonna be hard stopping that amount I dont know how I’ve done it but I have ????????

[louise1505]

Iv no idea about coke and how much is a lot etc or wat my ex used – but it’s unbelievable how they can blind side u that’s wat I’m struggling with I duno if to believe my guy and the ppl have told me and wat he’s shown all the signs and the fact he’s told me he had issues – or now to believe him who’s telling me he’s no issues and it’s all laughable?!!! He’s so believable it’s just shocking I wana scream shout at him but he will just laugh at me and make me look like the crazy one x

[dot]

If hes buying in half a gram and grams. Then it’s still alot I guess. Any use is alot because it just gets worse anyway…

[hw12]

Dot im happy your clean and can see your reasons for doing it, you keep it up and enjoy your kids. he said half a gram sometimes a gram a day, or every other day. But to me im not sure how much that is because iv never done it.

Either way if its a little or alot i ignored my gut and my suspicions were right. Hes been doing it more than ever for the past 4/5 month after promising to get clean at xmas. He just keeps saying i dont understand and i know i cant because im not an addict but i do want to try and understand. I dont know what he means by this. All he keeps saying is everythings not black and white.

[dot]

No I get where you are coming from. His is what my ex wife says. She says she will never understand and that’s why she cant ever forgive me. That’s her choice and she thinks going support groups wont help her as she will just judge etc.

I recommend if you are willing to support him go to support groups. There is also helplines you can phone.

Dont batter yourself for not finding out quicker. These are his actions and he needs to face them.

[hw12]

I feel responsible because i have asked him to leave but now he feels like hes got nothing and will probably turn to it even more. But i have my children to think about and he had been intolerable at home i have really tried so hard. Hes been taking it along side antidepressants, no wonder hes had absolutely awful mood swings and snapping everyones head off.

[dot]

Well dont. It’s his actions! I’m not telling you what to do because i dont want to interfere. I was there 2 years ago on 40mg of citalopram a day and sniffing aswell. Yeah it doesn’t go well together. And you might be surprised actually. He might go downhill at first but he will realise what hes lost. I dont know the guy he might preach to you hes got nothing. What’s gonna make him change though… I really dont know so cant comment. All i know is am here for you if you need advice

[ash2013]

Hi Hw

Please please please don’t feel guilty in any way for this. None of this is your choice.

Also, if you leave him and he spirals worse, that’s his problem not yours. He is a grown man and he must take responsibility for what he does.

Sorry, but he can’t have a cosy life at home and take drugs, despite your feelings. That’s called having your cake and eating it right?

I honestly feel for you, I’ve been in your shoes. If you can get him to leave do it, and don’t look back. Make sure you and your children are safe though as he may become volatile depending on when you try to get him to leave.

Sending massive hugs x

[hw12]

Hi have had to come on here because this is the only real place anyone understands. Im just trying to hold it together at home with my 2 kids while my heart is breaking.

I feel like i have had to do this because if he carried on like he was at home his addiction would have clearly got worse, it already has because its allowing him to do it. He has a family at his side for when hes ready to join in and a bed to lay in all day. I dropped him at a friends last night, he can only stay one night. So really i have made him homeless, which is killing me. He admitted everything to me just before he left, after months of me asking him and begging him to be hoenst with me. He said the worst thing for him to be doing this alone and i feel absolutely sick about it. I love and care about him, i feel protective over him and I can’t help it hes like a lost sole.

[kittenmitten]

Well done in taking that step. I cant imagine how hard that was. You are doing the right thing for you and your children. You have given him a chance in the past to get clean as a family and he couldn’t do it then. Maybe the reality of losing you for good will be the push he needs to get help.

Of course you care about him and that is why he had to go. I know I have enabled my husband. Letting him continue to behave in the way I have and not being strong enough to give an ultimatum and stick to it.

[hw12]

Thanks kitten mitten its the hardest thing i have ever done. The only things thats getting me through it is my kids and talking on here to people like you who understand me because anyone else just thinks I should run a mile and hates his guts they don’t understand.

I did give him the chance as a family at xmas and then behind my back from feb hes been using almost every day. The signs were there u trusted what he said i was stupid. I didnt it would happen because he wanted it so much and knew what he stood to lose. He couldnt control it obviously. Hes now got no one its killing me because hes going to go one way ot another and im scared that cocaine will win because it always has ruined every relationship even with his parents, kids everything.

But him staying here, knowing now that he was doing it explains so much about why he was like he was with me and why we argued etc. I was to an extent enabling him to have that lifestyle.

[ash2013]

Hi HW,

I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Yes he’s vulnerable, but by god so are you and his is a choice, yours isn’t. Your choice is whether to allow his actions to rule your happiness.

He has to take responsibility honey, not you. You’re not his carer, you’re meant to be equal and while he’s on this evil drug you’re not equal by a long stretch as it will be taking all his attention.

Be strong and think about you, stop exhausting yourself worrying about him.

He has a decision to make, you’ve laid your soul bare, he knows the score.

Sending love x

[hw12]

Thank you so much for your advice. Im a wreck because of all this to be honest. If i didnt love him i could just walk away and never see him ever again. Im doing this because my head knows its what needs to be done but if I listened to my heart its just aching for him. What an awful situation to be stuck in.

I just want him to wake up to reality. He had so much pain behind his eyes he told me he cant stop, and hes tried its controlling him. I just dont know what else to do anymore x

[ash2013]

Oh my love, I know you love him. That’s what is so heartbreaking. You don’t want to see someone to deeply care about hurting.

If you think he is ready to change his life, you can help him. I can’t say kick him out and forget about him, because I didn’t and I couldn’t. My husband admitted he had a problem and I helped him fix it, but it wasn’t a walk in the park, he had to cut off a lot of people, not drink alcohol, And be incredibly strong willed. A lot of people have to go into rehab, my husband didn’t, we are 5 months clean but I’m always alert.

You aren’t on your own DW you are strong and brave, I wish I could give you a huge hug x

[hw12]

He has admitted it all, i have never heard him so honest he told me everything. He said “im an addict been an addict for years and talking to someone wont fix this, i dont know what will” he said its worse now because hes alone and im wondering now if iv made biggest mistake ever doing this to him but he needed to realise he would have never stopped at home he was going behind my back and getting worse and worse. He admitted hes worst hes been now in 16 years. Its so sad.

How did you start helping your husband? How did you start to trust him again?

I want to help him so much because everyone else has turned their back on him and now i know why. Hes got no one apart from to turn to his drug dealing ‘mates’. But i dont know how to when i cant have him back in the family home with how he was. Ultimatums wont work, thats what he had at xmas and now we are here x

[ash2013]

Tbh I don’t know how he stopped. It was like he saw the light. I think the fact he realised he had a hole in his nose was part of it too mind.

There is no way he’d have stopped for anyone else. He stopped mid 2019 And relapsed October 2019, first time he came home full of upset that he’d failed, it won’t happen again, roll on 2 weeks and his mindset was more of I can do it every now and then and I can control it, I don’t want to say I’ll never be able to do it. Roll on another 4 weeks and he’s doing it in the day at work and taking Valium to hide it. At this point he then realised he can’t do it every now and then… and it has to be total abstinence and he can’t drink as it lowers his guard. Alcohol is a depressant anyway so that’s really not a great combo! A recovering addict and a bottle of wine. No way!

Once he’d had seen the light he was at home for a good 4 weeks as work was a trigger, He recovered, I looked after him, fed him, reassured him, held him, talked with him. He still knows coke users, scares me to death when he sees them, but he reassures me now, rather than hides it and shouts for being ridiculous (which of course you never are it’s just their defence mechanism)

Xx

[hw12]

He stopped for 4 weeks at xmas and then all this started again buy 100 times worse and hes been awful to live with. He has spent days and days in bed and he finally told me yesterday hes been doing it so hes not craving cocaine. I wish he had been this honest before it was too late. All iv begged him for is to be honest and hes told me lie after lie. And only now has he decided to be open and honest. He told me i never understood, but he wouldn’t let me because he wouldn’t talk to me about it. I could have helped more if i knew.x

[kittenmitten]

I wish I could stay and help my husband get clean too. But I know it would be a further detriment to my own happiness.

The problem is that cocaine is linked to my husbands work and his best mate. That is why I dont see him being able to break the habit. I could imagine the only way would be to move and change our lives completely. That would take a lot of love from me. I like my life and my friends and my son loves his school. I am not sure I would be able to give up more of ourselves for him. But I also think it would be the only way for him to get clean and still have a family. So much of his recent behaviour I feel has been because I have given up on him. I think he feels hopeless and therefore it’s not helped.

Years ago I noticed him doing similar behaviour. I didnt know it was cocaine. Our relationship was strong and I didnt have a child to consider. I gave him an ultimatum. Stay in stop drinking. Stop seeing your friend that you keep staying out with and I will stay with you. He did all that and he obviously was able to stop taking cocaine then. Now when I said the same thing last year he said no. Now I know it is cocaine and it was cocaine before. But unfortunately I think too much damage has been done to turn back.

Maybe it’s because I am considering both mine and our sons happiness. Maybe that’s what is different and ultimately why I gave up on him.

[ash2013]

He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to stop him or ask him to leave. Like you have now.

Honestly honey, he needs to sort himself out. You’ve taken the first step, try not to go back on it or you’ll be right back to square one.

He will understand why you’ve reacted this way. He might say he doesn’t but you’ve given him chances, you’ve offered him support, you’ve could have been his rock, but he chose his path.

He can stop. Everyone can…. it’s whether they choose to.

It won’t be a walk in the park, but the world is much bigger than the insular one he’s created.

He had his chance, he blew it. It’s not like you haven’t given him warning.

It’s up to him to sort himself out and get clean, then in a couple of months you can see how you feel. Don’t make rash decisions, you’re grieving, don’t feel guilt, don’t beat yourself up. He did this. Not you xx

[hw12]

Thank you for talking to me. Its the only place i can be completely trutful because my family just think hes an addict who i should run a million miles from which he is. But i got to the love the person behind it thats why im finding it so hard to just give up on him. Do you mind me asking what your partner was like when he was using and how often? Because since i found out he was using almost every day or every other, hes been nasty with his comments , snappy argumentative or asleep. He’s honestly blamed me for everything, because when i stood up for myself and spoke back when he disrespected me that when he started turning things on to me saying i need help and im a bitch and im bipolar x

[louise1505]

I feel stuck in limbo I can’t get past the anger and pure cheek of him – he’s told me in jan had coke issues then disappeared for months now he’s saying it’s laughable I’m accusing him of having a drug problem ?!! I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall

[ash2013]

Hi Hw

What was my husband like when he was using.

– moody

– snappy

– argumentative

– belittling me

– disrespectful

– sneaky

– selfish

– arrogant

– paranoid

Once I had to go away with work overnight, our daughter threw up, I was in a conference, I had 47 missed calls In 3 minutes and aggressive texts. Because why couldn’t I answer my phone. Totally irrational! The times I used to call him and he would have been able to answer but he didn’t bother.

When I got home there was coke residue in the bathroom, I said why the f**k are you doing coke when looking after our child, he asked how I knew, I said there’s coke in the bathroom. His reply angrily ‘enough for a line?’

Many things like this happened. His clean self would be ashamed if he was reminded of all these times.

It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde, mostly Jekyll. Treading on eggshells, thinking before you speak etc.

He made me feel like I was going mad. But of course I’m not mad! xx

[hw12]

Ash thats exactly what hes been like. I was always treading on egg shells he would accuse me of going with the next door neighbour ( hes not exactly a hot guy infact hes quite the opposite)

I too felt like i was going mad, and have believed its me. Broke down so many times with that horrible feeling in my stomach like iv got now that just wont go away. I wish sometimes that i didnt love him because it would be easier. My family are all upset with me for still wanting to help him, at a time when i need support more than ever. I know what they are thinking but they don’t understand, they don’t understand its not him.

I dropped him at his friends last night and even though iv prayed at times for him to not be in this house while he’s disrespecting me and sleeing all day but it was so empty without him. My hearts empty without him. I just never imagined things turning out like this, he was my world when he wasnt. I just dont know what to do for the best now

[louise1505]

I’m so angry fact he’s sat there and said to my face look the reason iv been the way I have iv had some issues with cocaine – now flat out denies he has a problem like he’s for got he told me?!!!

[louise1505]

Same it’s so hard it’s like the old them died now this new horrible person has been born and it’s a grieving process but u have no answers as to y it’s a circle of emotions constantly – iv just got to live in hope that one day he will realise and be sorry until then I’m trying to crack on but I’m so so angry that I’m left to pick up the pieces and left with 3 children on my own that he shows very little interest in and I just wana shake him and smack him in the face to wake him up get through to him and all he’s saying is it’s laughable u think I have a drug problem no other answers !! There’s so many little things that I think cocaine is the answer for him doing that or this and it makes sense so clearly but same time I’m questioning ia it just me am I just imagining it I duno !

I remember in around November maybe my son had FaceTimed him one Saturday eve and he was at Mcds drive through- the kids got fed up talking and disappeared but he didn’t end the ft kept taking to me in bits or kids to and from and he got out of the car went in his boot for few minutes then came bk to the seat and was sniffly put a tissue up his nose – I didn’t know about the coke then and said wat the help was that he was like I was just getting something out the boot I said did u just sniff sumat and he was so defensive but laughing and like don’t be so stupid I’m simply blowing my nose ?!! And then I thought the coke would make sense to his behaviour but chose to believe him ! Now I’m thinking he defo did do that thinking I was clueless ?! Xx

[dot]

Si today has been a hard day for me. I’m on day 19. Not in terms of cravings thats been so easy. But we was in hotel with the kids and my ex was messaging someone else wmand said something like just brought the kids to see Daz ????. Instead of getting angry I do want to see my kids but it wound me up so I asked if she could leave. I di want to to see my kids but I think whilst she is here it’s not good.

I was a just angry but didnt want an arguement to erupt in front of the kids..

My point is no wonder she doesn’t want to try while messaging other people. I cant stop her or influence what she does but don’t drag me down while I’m trying. Doing my best here. At least I didnt say horrible things like i used to and i just politely said are you okay to go.

I’ve got to think of my feelings now aswell. What winds me up is years ago when I left her I come back to work things out for her years ago when I was clean I chose her. Just a kick in the teeth for me and I think I’m struggling to move on while shes sat around. I dislike who shes turned into but I guess I created this monster…

[kittenmitten]

Oh I know what you mean. How could we have been so clueless?! How did we let them lie like that. I often think about the hours I have spent worrying that it was me. I blamed hormones after having a child for example. I tried so hard to work on myself. Friends and family put these ideas into my head. Like after having a baby I didnt pay him enough attention. It meant that his comments and excuses hurt me more.

Then you try harder to make things peaceful and stable but that doesnt work either. Relationships are complicated enough and that’s the trouble. I feel like I need counselling after all this.

[hw12]

Dot, you have come such a long way in these 19 days you need to focus on that and your kids. That message could have been to anyone so try not to let your mind get carried away. She’s probably still hurt in her own way, i know hpw that feels. But you are doing everything you can, and you just need to keep doing it. I wish my partner would realise and be serious about it like you are. Can i ask what made you suddenly make the decision to stop? Did something give you a wake up call or did you just do it. Either way your doing everything you can.

[dot]

The fact that I have lost who I thought was my life partner. She doesn’t want me anymore no 2 ways about it. But I know she loves old me but I haven’t been that guy in years shes probably forgot who that guy is. My behaviour is calming down alot but I’ve still got weeks on the chart of impulsive behaviour it can last for 6 weeks apparently.

And the fact my kids are getting older and i want a better life for them. Also that i hated myself everytime i sniffed i hated rlthw fact i did it. I hated the life I was living. I hated that I lost jobs over it. I hated turning into an absolute monster when in fact I’m the most caring and loving person you would probably meet.

This sounds daft my ex is a pride person she cares what people think like her family and work and everyone. I just really think her being there isnt helping me move on but she won’t let me have kids till mediation has been. Wish I could just forgot and I will eventually get to a point maybe in a few weeks I’ll switch off and that’s when I really wont care. I know she prob will start caring but it will be too late then I will have switched off. Not being mean but once am cold am cold I switched off from all my exs after 2 to 3 months and just never spoke to them again.

I will have too speak to her for my kids but yeah. I will just sit back and laugh then. Wish I was at this point now in my head but I know I’ve tried everything I can xx

[dot]

Sell she says I dont want anyone else I just dont want you… kinda hard to take but I need to accept it it to be fair I really do ????‍♂️

[louise1505]

I think ur ex probably took her a lot to letting u go and accepting ud changed she probably thought u wud never get sorted and resigned to that and let go – now her guard will be up and it will take a lot to let u any where near her again – but keep proving her that u are changed – he the best dad trust me that’s the most attractive thing to a woman – u will have history and she loved u and that’s not easy forgotten best way forward is to try be her friend and show her ur sorry by keeping clean and making effort – I know if my ex did that I’d want to be around him but he won’t even try he’s moved on with someone who’s taking coke so he can continue to bury his head and that’s heartbreaking for me and the kids but wat can I do xx

[dot]

Yeah I just need to stop trying te her I’ve changed. I mean she got upset the other day and said she will always care for me. Personally I’m tryna resign myself to the fact that it’s done. From tomorrow I will go no contact till back end of the week when we can arrange for the kids etc.

Moving forward I do think no contact might be best. I guess what’s hard for me is I get bored at night. It’s more boredom why I talk to her I guess… but maybe cutting contact might help me

[louise1505]

I know wat u mean it gets lonely on ur own it’s hard especially missing someone but it won’t be that way forever ! U need something to occupy ur mind maybe go jogging in the eve a good box set something to distract u and make sure ur up early to tire u out – y does ur wife want to go to mediation if u already are seeing the kids? Xx

[dot]

She wants it on paper that I’m gonna have kids on certain days etc… I also feel like it’s a chance to sort divorce aswell going mediation which it is…

[hw12]

Dot she will be distancing herself to protect her own feelings and i can relate to that. Trust has been broken with drug use and its going to take time. All you can keep doing is being the best dad you can and being commited to your recovery.

I have just been to take my partner some things, its so hard seeing him and wishing i could just bring him home with me and everything be ok. And i know they would be for a few days and then i would be back on here in a few month, begging for advice. He tried beating it on his own and with therapy and he cant. I dont know what else he can do other than rehab and we dont have that kind of money

[shan1234]

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You’re a wonderful woman. I have just seen and learnt for the first time my partner has a cocaine addiction and I am breaking. You cannot save someone that doesn’t want to be saved, but no matter how much people will say this it doesn’t stop you from trying to help them. All I know is you need to focus on you because you’ll loose yourself trying to save him. I hope you will be okay & stay strong. X

[hw12]

Hi shan thank you for your kind message. I asked him to leave so i can focus on my children and thats the only thing thats getting me through this. I will still be there for him because i know i cant turn my back on him completely i care too much. I just need to protect my own mental wellbeing at the moment because some damage has been done x

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